Submitted by kangarooturd t3_11m067n in nottheonion
Comments
Arigato_MrRoboto t1_jbf7ynh wrote
"Yeah, I think he died somewhere else."
🎶dun dun🎶
Produced by dick wolf.
WarcraftFarscape t1_jbfcb22 wrote
Man in cold November unloading crates from a truck: “Freddy? Yeah I knew ‘em. Always hung around that Persian rug store. Why, you think someone had it out for ‘em?”
Bewildered looking cop: “leeets just say we are looking at all angles. Let us know if you hear anything”
dun dun
ERSTF t1_jbiam8h wrote
In the criminal justice system, the people are defended by two separate but equally important groups, the police who investigate the crimes and the district attorneys who prosecute the offenders. These are their stories. Kun-kun! [imitates vacuum cleaner] I’m just a cleaning lady. Aah! A dead body. He wrapped his belt around his own neck. It looks like a classic case of autoerotic asphyxiation. Yeah, looks like everyone’s tightening their belts in this economy. [humming theme music] Last time you saw the victim, was he happy? Last time I saw this John, he was-he wasn’t a victim, if you know what I’m talkin about
[deleted] t1_jbfbh5v wrote
[removed]
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doned_mest_up t1_jbffy0f wrote
Commit murder so cops find the body right before their lunch break. Perfect crime.
tinymonesters t1_jbfwttz wrote
That is a profoundly stupid quote.
CleverGirl2014 t1_jbfjok1 wrote
"Mostly" 🤔
Schrecht t1_jbfjwjc wrote
Username checks out. :)
ThrowAway62378549 t1_jbf7hyv wrote
This better be adapted into a movie.
kenlasalle t1_jbf12st wrote
When Louisianans die, they automatically generate a self-wrapping rug.
It's a side effect from all the gumbo...
/s (duh)
ladyofthelathe t1_jbgef7x wrote
Death throes compel them to mimic andouille or boudin.
[deleted] t1_jbfl0k5 wrote
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sheepsleepdeep t1_jbf7ji6 wrote
>Police would not confirm how the body was found, but did say crime scene investigators did not need to take the entire rug found at the scene with them.
What the fuck?
Arigato_MrRoboto t1_jbf0sc4 wrote
I too plan on rolling myself up in a rug when I die.
Total-Khaos t1_jbf69yj wrote
Be sure you shoot yourself in the back of the head and roll that rug, with you inside it, out a high-rise window before you actually die though. Otherwise, it might look suspicious.
The84thWolf t1_jbffq7k wrote
Might as well be comfortable, right?
tanthonyS t1_jbfatdc wrote
Maybe his DEATH was not foul play, but someone clearly did something with the body AFTER the death
natalie_mf_portman t1_jbfg57y wrote
Doesn't that defeat the purpose of using the term foul play at all though? Foul play is a much broader term than murder, so it covers anything to do with the circumstances surrounding a death that aren't natural.
tanthonyS t1_jbfqnpr wrote
I guess we agree that it was a pretty poorly worded release of info.
natalie_mf_portman t1_jbgyjok wrote
Totally!!
FindTheRemnant t1_jbfge7s wrote
Read the article, not the clickbait title.
"but say, at this point, there are no indications of foul play. "
He was summarizing the preliminary autopsy findings. Cause of death is currently unknown. That's all. It's not at all like they're saying "nothing to see here, investigation is closed".
MRmandato t1_jbg33rc wrote
Exactly this. This is not oniony if you actually read the article. An investigation is clearly happening and at this point there are no signs of external or internal trauma.
youzerVT71 t1_jbf6psa wrote
He removed the tag
BuroDude t1_jbf78bm wrote
dman7456 t1_jbgcd8p wrote
Body was found behind a funeral home. The other thread on this indicated that the leading theory is he OD'd in a crack house and was dropped there rather than calling authorities and risking trouble.
No_Higgins t1_jbf505q wrote
"If something happened and there was a moment of panic, come forward, we just want to know what happened to him," said Capt. Heinz.
…yeah, okay. Sure.
Acceptable_Wall4085 t1_jbf8y6l wrote
Is this the same as the guy who blew the whistle on the CIA and Oliver North for peddling cocaine in Los Angeles committing suicide by shooting himself twice in the back of the head??
5lack5 t1_jbfcuhx wrote
Gary Webb didn't die from two gunshots to the back of the head. The first shot took his jaw off, the second killed him. Not everything is a damn conspiracy
Acceptable_Wall4085 t1_jbg1274 wrote
How can that be??? I say it could’ve been Gary moved as the first shot came to his head and the second tap took off his jaw.
5lack5 t1_jbg2aho wrote
>How can that be???
He held the gun in the wrong spot for the first shot.
Beautiful_Fee1655 t1_jbfd9a5 wrote
This scenario for "no foul play found by police" sounds familiar....
"Kendrick Johnson's body was found in a wrestling mat Jan. 11, 2013, in the Lowndes High School gym in Valdosta, Georgia. State and local law enforcement officials ruled the death an accidental asphyxiation, saying Johnson died after he climbed into a rolled-up mat to retrieve his sneakers. .... [His father] said at a news conference that he believes his son's death is being covered up."
Keregi t1_jbff6hl wrote
Huge difference. Kendrick Johnson’s death was a tragic accident. The conspiracy theories are just that.
Fun_Progress_4399 t1_jbfodz7 wrote
Well, it looks like we've got this
Puts on sunglasses
All wrapped up.
YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
No_Sense_6171 t1_jbh4esr wrote
I hope that when I kill myself, I have the grace to wrap myself in a rug first to tidy things up.
bothunter t1_jbg2pec wrote
>"His credit card was used at least twice, once I believe it was an ATM. I've heard there's video of a man using it, and it isn't Nathan. The second time was at a Greyhound station. Also, his wallet clip was found with his American Express, but no ID," said Still.
And no foul play suspected... amazing. Louisiana law enforcement never ceases to amaze me.
SomebodyInNevada t1_jbhrrjs wrote
Looting the dead doesn't mean the looters killed him.
Scarboroughwarning t1_jbf1va4 wrote
The scary thing is, I remember the death of Neil Wilson (the man who wanted to be a fish)... So, I'm content that there may have been no foul play
tipperonious t1_jbf7nyq wrote
Honestly! it's just plain rude to die and not roll yourself up in rug. Have some consideration for others!
Dwestmor1007 t1_jbh9sl7 wrote
Must have been a cop
tomhung t1_jbf4x55 wrote
Time to elect a new coroner
jimi15 t1_jbj6n0k wrote
The quote was actually "no indications of foul play" (so far, they had yet to do a toxology test). Which was true so nice sensationalist headline there fox.
Playful-Clerk6505 t1_jbfjbqi wrote
Joe Goldberg has entered the chat.
54fighting t1_jbfm4sr wrote
The government needs to start issuing domestic do not travel warnings.
chilipalmer99 t1_jbfrfed wrote
Has anyone checked on Hillary's alibi at the time of the "suicide"?
Schrecht t1_jbf1imm wrote
> "It does appear he was left there, but that’s not where, mostly not where, he died," said Capt. Heinz.
Truly stellar police work.