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peakpenguins t1_iujlr90 wrote

>told me that if the baby talk didnt go good to just poke some holes in condoms.

The fuck?!

YES tell your girlfriend!

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PixieOnAcid t1_iujlyml wrote

If this is actually real, you NEED to tell her what kind of people her family is if they're literally telling you to poke holes in condoms and ruin her bodily autonomy just so they can have grandkids. There is no "three of you" in this relationship.

It's you and her.

Not you, her, mommy, and daddy.

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Practiccount OP t1_iujmoqz wrote

i agree and ill be talking to her after work. her parents are really involved with her they literally have a room in our house for when one if not both come over

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darodori t1_iujtb7h wrote

Is that because she has problems setting boundaries with them or because this is something both of you want?

From this conversation with them alone, you two (just her and you, not her parents involved) should talk about boundaries. This is a wonderful moment to look into your future and make decisions about it now.

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Practiccount OP t1_iujttih wrote

she is very attached to her parents. last year we couldnt go on vacation unless i shelled out for 2 more tickets for them to fly with us as well. ive asked her to try and ween off them which she says she has i just havent really seen it. i managed to get lucky and become independent from a young age.

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darodori t1_iuju7xs wrote

Before proposing would be a great time to find out how involved she thinks they should be in your relationship, and if that’s how you see your future, and if this is the kind of discussions you’re ok with going forward.

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BisquickNinja t1_iuk4lvl wrote

I can tell you from experience that this behavior won't get any better with age. They will push both you and her to have a baby as soon as possible. They don't care about you, they don't care about the baby, they care about how you make them look. How the baby makes them look.

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darodori t1_iuk7snm wrote

The behavior I was thinking that wasn’t going to get better was hers. She insists that he pay for their (parents) vacation, she has a room set aside for them, she says she’ll work on it but no progress has been made. I don’t think she’s changing either.

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greyno02 t1_iujvawt wrote

You didn't get lucky you are normal. What is NOT normal is not being able to go on holiday without mummy and daddy when she's almost 30. Are you really happy to never have a holiday without them? Do you think this will change once you're married? She needs to learn to set some boundaries.

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Practiccount OP t1_iujvux2 wrote

based on what ive read most people in my age range cant afford a house in the current market thats why i said im lucky. and yes this has been a issue ive brought up with her before and she says she working on it i just dont see much progress but im trying my best to be supportive.

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juliaskig t1_iuk4fxn wrote

Sorry, but you have a baby woman. That's why her parents sat you down, and decided they and you, should determine your wife's fate.

She has broken off from them, and there are four people in your relationship.

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Neonpinx t1_iuk04kq wrote

Tell her the truth about her parents. You would be foolish to get married and have kids with someone this attached and controlled by parents who see her as a baby incubator who doesn’t have the right to her body autonomy.

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CrazyOldWoman99 t1_iujvl6b wrote

If sharing their horrific comment with her doesn't accelerate that process of developing an appropriate distance with her parents, nothing will. That comment is worthy of no contact imho.

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Villanellexbian t1_iuk1zlr wrote

absolutely refusing to go on a couples vacation without the company of her parents is one can of worms, but am I understanding you correctly that she also demanded you pay for them to attend?? If she wanted them there so badly, why didn't she offer to pay for their tickets, or better yet, have her parents pay for their own dang vacation? Unless there's a substantial income difference where you make significantly more than everyone in her family and can easily afford to fund a vacation for 4 grown adults without a dent to your finances, I don't get why you would agree to such an unfairly balanced situation?

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Practiccount OP t1_iuk73si wrote

yes the difference between what i make and her parents make is really differnt and i make enough to where i wouldnt say it dosent make a dent but after a few months it would even out

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Neonpinx t1_iujzwju wrote

Major red flags that she is that attached to her disrespectful parents who see her as a baby incubator. She needs to hear the truth and start seeing them for the selfish creeps that they are.

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MrsRoronoaZoro t1_iuk8z1s wrote

Huge red flag. Don’t propose. The in laws will be way too involved in your married life.

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Neonpinx t1_iujzocy wrote

These abusers should no longer be allowed in your home not should they have a key to your home as they will sabotage any birthcontrol. These lunatics are not to be trusted.

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Ornery_Adult t1_iujw1ha wrote

Assume all your condoms are compromised.

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AnotherPalePianist t1_iuk2p5q wrote

First thought when I read this—and they have access to their house?? Replace the whole box, make sure they haven’t tampered with your GF’s birth control if she’s on it, etc.

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Eyupmeduck1989 t1_iukbzqn wrote

If they want grandchildren that badly and are recommending you sabotage birth control, I’d be very wary about having them stay in your house. They might tamper with any birth control themselves. Could you potentially get a long acting reversible method of contraception (implant, IUD) that they can’t mess with?

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phaedrusinexile t1_iuk892a wrote

...so...maybe keep the condoms locked up if they have access to your house... Or treat it like a drink in a club, only trust it's safe if it never left your sight.

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OGrouchNZ t1_iukaq6h wrote

Yeah. You need to tell her. They may tamper with any birth control when staying or vacationing with you.

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knittedjedi t1_iujxq6q wrote

I'm assuming it's not real. Dude's honestly on the fence about telling her because

> thats why im worried i know the messenger gets shot all the time!

0

NidorinoBeano t1_iujlt67 wrote

You definitely need to tell her what they said

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AC_NLGirl t1_iujm96m wrote

What the fuuuuuck??????? Absolutely tell her everything they said!! They need to know about this!!

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oksarala t1_iujw09k wrote

You absolutely have to tell her. This is horrific. Her parents are giving you the go ahead to essentially baby trap your girlfriend?? That’s fucking weird and needs to be discussed, who gives a fuck if it “causes a rift” A RIFT NEEDS TO BE CAUSED

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CuckooPint t1_iuk30vi wrote

Before you even think about marrying this woman, you need to have two clear conversations:

  1. Does she or does she not want children?
  2. Is she ever going to stand up to/break away from her creepy sexual assault-enabling parents?

In the case of the former, if she decides she doesn't want kids and you do, that is gonna be a big problem. A couple having vastly different life goals is going to cause problems, no matter how much you care for each other.

In the case of the latter, she sounds very sheltered and controlled by these parents of hers who, as this situation shows, are toxic to the point of encouraging their daughter's partner to stealth her in order to forcibly get her pregnant. Is your girlfriend able to see how fucked up these people are, and is she going to do anything about it? Because if not, you'll be marrying into a family of sexual assault apologists.

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que_he_hecho t1_iujoqoj wrote

Tell her, and time to lock up the condoms!

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ohdannyboy189 t1_iuk9o66 wrote

Just a word of advice. If they have access to your house as often as your other comments indicate. Lock up your condoms (get a cheap gun style safe or keep them on you)

Things are going to explode when you talk to your partner. If they are willing to tell you to poke holes in condoms they are willing to do it for you.

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bedofagony t1_iujuj5k wrote

If I heard my spouse had this conversation with my parents and did not tell me immediately it would be an instant deal breaker.

I'd never trust him again if he didn't tell me as soon as possible.

If she's not one of those people who hears "I need to talk to you" and cannot function because of anxiety, then I'd text her right before she gets off work saying something like, "Hey. I had a weird lunch with your parents. I wanna talk to you about what was said. I love you and see/talk to you soon"

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Albuquicky t1_iuk8n3u wrote

Ok OP this used to be me with my parents and I can tell you it did not turn out well! When I had kids my mother undermined me at every turn and I ended up moving over 300 miles away because it got so bad. I shit you not, my mom told me that my husband and I could move but she thought I should leave the kids with her to raise!! It did not stop there. She has been trying to get my oldest to come back and live with her (she favors him over the other two children) and he's staying with them due to helping my father with remodeling the house but she's been trying to put thoughts into his head about getting a job there. Which I then have to shoot down with him first then he fires back "well Grandma thinks..."

Unless you want to spend the rest of your relationship hearing "my parents think/Grandma/Grandpa thinks..." nip it in the bud now with your girlfriend. I swear she will resent them no matter how close she is with her parents right now. My mother was my best friend all my life and now I've repeatedly fighting with her. You both need to set boundaries because this is not healthy.

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Snozzberrys t1_iujuuxh wrote

> i really respect and love my girlfriend

If you love and respect your GF then don't hide things from her.

I really don't know what her parents were expecting to happen but they've made it clear that they care more about potential grandkids than they do about what their daughter wants from her life and I think your GF has the right to know that, assuming she doesn't already.

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hisimpendingbaldness t1_iujnamm wrote

Yeah, you need to tell her then the both of you need to work out a strategy for dealing with her parents

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Eragon7795 t1_iuka0v3 wrote

OP, I just read one of your comments where you said that her parents have a room in your house for when they visit.

Please, PLEASE make sure you hide your condoms very well, somewhere where you're sure they're not gonna be able to find them. Cause since you won't poke holes in the condoms, I bet my ass that they WILL try to do it themselves!! You shouldn't trust them at all after what they said.

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polloklo t1_iujxd9g wrote

you should try to back up what they said, your gf seems very attached to them and she may not believe you when you tell her

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chipface t1_iuk62bz wrote

You should have told her the second they invited you.

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IsItGangsta69 t1_iujpi8g wrote

Tell her wtf imagine you werent there and tomorrow and they pull this off with someone who complies

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ConvivialKat t1_iujybm5 wrote

Yow! You need to tell her that you had lunch with them and EXACTLY what happened and what they said.

Oh, and hold off on proposing, OP. You need to make sure you and your GF are a team and on the same page.

Your GF's parents are massive A-Holes. Ick. Your poor GF.

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bedofagony t1_iujulnn wrote

If I heard my spouse had this conversation with my parents and did not tell me immediately it would be an instant deal breaker.

I'd never trust him again if he didn't tell me as soon as possible.

If she's not one of those people who hears "I need to talk to you" and cannot function because of anxiety, then I'd text her right before she gets off work saying something like, "Hey. I had a weird lunch with your parents. I wanna talk to you about what was said. I love you and see/talk to you soon"

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SladeUranus t1_iuk4nyd wrote

Man, this entire thing is filled with red flags.

They are telling you to sabotage her life for their own selfish wants. And if you tell her, and she brushes it off, or excuses it, or pretends it never happened, you need to seriously re-evaluate being with someone that enmeshed with her parents.

You're gonna be dealing with them being involved in EVERY SINGLE MAJOR DECISION you make as a couple. For the rest of your life.

They are going to get a say in how you raise any future children, whether you like it or not.

I hope you're ready for that, if she can't break the spell they have over her.

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NickDixon37 t1_iujrt85 wrote

Yes, you need to tell her.

But, it's probably best not to share all the details. And a good way to sum up the conversation may be to say that they wanted to know your intentions - and you told that them that you love her, but they'd have to talk with her if they want more information.

Edit: Of course assuming that was indeed the gist of a sanitized version of the discussion.

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4459691 t1_iujsbdv wrote

Shut that behavior down Do not engage or entertain those talks

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birdzeyeview t1_iujsphc wrote

Yep. Tell her. And try and put some distance between you and them going forward. They might be the (future) in-laws from hell FWIW.

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Dizzy_dizz t1_iujw7k8 wrote

lolol no chance that actually happened unless they were joking.

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inna_hey t1_iujxbvr wrote

Why would you NOT tell her

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Regular-Bat-4449 t1_iujxng1 wrote

I would tell her. Make sure you let her know that you felt it was also her choice.

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SwaMaeg t1_iujxnjz wrote

Ewww. Tell her.

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Al-Alecto t1_iujyifl wrote

Tell her. And stop going behind her back to enable her parents to be controlling and abusive in her life. In fact, going No Contact would be called for here. Their manipulation is sickening.

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Neonpinx t1_iujzhas wrote

Tell her exactly what her unhinged and abusive parents told you. Those control freaks are demanding you sabotage birth control methods to give them grandchildren. These are the kind of people that should never be grandparents as they are unhinged, selfish, manipulative, deceptive lunatics that would pull all kinds of abuse outrageous stunts. Do not keep this secret. Never stay in their home. Tell your gf every detail of that conversation. She needs to know how far her awful parents are willing to go to destroy her life, sabotage her future, violate her boundaries and body autonomy and disregard her feelings. These abusers see their daughter as a baby incubator, not as a person who gets to make her own decisions about her life.

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blueeeyeddl t1_iujzqka wrote

OP, please talk to your girlfriend and tell her about this bizarro conversation with her parents. They are way over the line and she needs to protect herself from them.

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hailskins84 t1_iujzrg6 wrote

Yes you should, if she finds out you didn't she will be pissed. And you should anyway because that's a shitty thing if her parents to do.

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SheiB123 t1_iuk10cm wrote

You need to tell her that HER PARENTS asked you to trick her into getting pregnant. WOW.

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FreemanGordon451 t1_iuk4ybf wrote

Of course you tell her. Obviously. She's your woman.

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Kholzie t1_iuk6if1 wrote

What is even the point of keeping this secret? Does it benefit your relationship to do so?

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distant-starlight t1_iuk86om wrote

Yes, tell her then buy her a mini safe to keep her contraception in so her baby fever parents don't make decisions for you.

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nim08 t1_iuk8rjl wrote

First off you need to tell your girlfriend and second you need to wait on marriage as well. You've repeatedly mentioned that you see no improvement in her keeping boundaries. Wait till you see it because otherwise it's gonna be them walking all over your relationship.

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Phenoix512 t1_iuk96o2 wrote

You should talk about it with her and that includes a conversation about what you both want and what you envision going forward with all your relationships and goals. For example I want to travel and I don't have any roots. So based on that your gf is not a good fit for me.

This is why you need these conversations

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varashu t1_iuk9f6c wrote

I wouldn't say shit simply because the parents probably aren't monsters but desperate and blinded by what they want so they're not exactly rational.

Sounds like they've already tried speaking to your gf and that they couldn't come to terms.

I would pretend the lunch didn't happen. No need to further soil your gf's relationship with her parents or your relationship with her parents.

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thanosthumb t1_iukad0s wrote

My gf’s parents are also very adamant on us having kids. And we wants them too, but we’ve had that discussion and decided that it’s not the time for US. I appreciate her transparency on telling me her parents are pushing her. But it’s not up to them. You two choose when it’s time for you.

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aversipasa t1_iukawyp wrote

Needles are probably how they want you to poke some holes in the candoms. Jokes aside, you should definitely tell her.

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kittalyn t1_iukbf86 wrote

Tell her and go LC with the parents. This is horrible and completely disregards her bodily autonomy.

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[deleted] t1_iujlv7b wrote

[deleted]

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Practiccount OP t1_iujm6ci wrote

if you read it i respect my girlfriends wishes and if were ready then we are if not then oh well. but maybe next time read the whole thing?

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ChemicalCourt t1_iujs12d wrote

People seem to not read at all or a part of it. I always argue with these kinds of people lol

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NarrowTrade3608 t1_iuk74fn wrote

You been with your girl for years and you still wearing condoms 😂😂😂

−1

Fucc_dogecoin_ t1_iuk83rd wrote

Poke the hole on the condoms done deal

−2

PristineReference147 t1_iujsggy wrote

Save this in your back pocket. You'll know the right timing

−4

ComfortableCod t1_iujnlyr wrote

Don‘t tell her, it‘s normal that they want to be grandparents. It‘s on you that you didn’t make them ashamed of themselves. Seriously, you should‘ve shamed them for what they said. You‘re just ruining a family by telling her. If you want to tell her then don’t mention the horrible stuff they said, just keep it balanced

−12

UnsightlyMeat t1_iujsrln wrote

No fuck this comment. It’s on him not to shame them? Really? You’re gonna sit here and say that shit then say he should keep it neutral? Not ruin a family? How can one scold them for this and keep things neutral?

Ruining a family? THEY did that. Keep what balanced? They are way out of line and saying disgusting stuff. She DESERVES to know the shit coming out of their mouths. Again, THEY did it. THEY invited him. THEY said this shit behind her back.

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Practiccount OP t1_iujp958 wrote

i did tell them that what me and her do is none of their business

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Sattalyte t1_iujmp1k wrote

Will anything good come of your telling your GF? It'll cause a rift between your GF and her parents, and it will cause a rift between her parents and you. Any fallout, and her parents will likely work to undermine your relationship with her. I can only see bad outcomes of you telling your GF this, and no good ones at all.

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Practiccount OP t1_iujmt9r wrote

thats why im worried i know the messenger gets shot all the time! plus yeah i agree about the rift

−10

IcyDay5 t1_iujsfwb wrote

If you don't tell her, her parents will continue to manipulate the situation and when she finds out that you knew it will break her heart and her trust. This is marriage-ending stuff if you don't tell. You two are a team, you can't keep secrets like that from her and deprive her of the chance to make informed decisions about her relationship with her parents.

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darodori t1_iujtryj wrote

Absolutely tell her! With your other comment about them staying over night regularly, you also want to be on the look out for them taking matters in to their own hands.

Also, if you’re looking at popping the question, some advice about being married: it’s the two of you vs the problem. Not you vs her vs the problem. Tell her about this so the two of you can move together jointly. It doesn’t have to cause a rift if you tackle this as a team.

4