Submitted by [deleted] t3_yil5p7 in relationship_advice
[deleted]
Comments
Blissful_EDM t1_iujbs47 wrote
I appreciate the reply and the great insight. It's awesome you guys were able to work through it and hopefully we do as well. Our communication is indeed amazing for each other. Very level headed and logical and no one raises their voice remotely. We're also both deeply involved in psychology and bring that into conversations as well. She seems to want to work with me and she even agreed on a very strong point I made. I'm VERY good at keeping promises and holding myself to doing something when OTHER people are involved. Guilt, embarrassment, etc eats away at me every single minute if let's say we shared that vehicle and she was asking if I could take care of it. But when it's something that only effects me I procrastinate and barely get around to it.
RagequitSparks t1_iujjjds wrote
I get that, I’m so good at holding promises to other people but when it comes to holding myself to that same standard I shrug it off.
I had that happen to me this past weekend. There were so many things I said I was going to get done around my house and I ended up maybe getting only one of those things partially done. It sucks, and I hate that I’m like this because I don’t want to be. I was formally diagnosed with ADHD as a child and took Ritalin for years, but at some point I just stopped and never talked about it again. That was when I was 10? It’s been roughly 18 years since then and I just recently realized that I might still be dealing with it along with my depression. After all, it’s been proven that most people with ADHD struggle with another form of mental illness, mostly depression and anxiety.
If this is something you really want to change in yourself, seek a therapist. They’ll help give you the tools you need to overcome.
Blissful_EDM t1_iujpiek wrote
Yep, sounds like me. Started taking concerta consistently when I was around 9 or 10. Stopped around 14 and started up again while in college on vyvanse. I do not struggle with depression or anxiety (maybe a SMALL amount, but nothing notable).
​
And I've started eyeballing therapy. It's just a wild position for me because while I have had those major gripes with myself and I'm ashamed of myself it's never really come back to bite me in the ass and I thoroughly enjoy myself and my spot in life currently. It wasn't until getting into a relationship that I quickly realized that my behavior doesn't really fly for long term stability and would probably make anyone begin to worry about the future. The other user here stated it sounded like a red flag from a 23 year old that hasn't even gotten their degree yet or started their career to be saying something like that to me, but you and I both know it's an extremely negative behavior to have.
RagequitSparks t1_iujvitj wrote
I wouldn’t say it’s a red flag from her, more so an inability to relate/empathize with your mental illness. I do think the “ultimatum” is a bit much, but you guys talked that through and got to the bottom of it.
If you’re happy with yourself then there’s no reason to do individual therapy. I was saying seek it out if you think you need it. I do think you need couples counseling tho, because a therapist in that sense can help her understand your struggle and maybe give you both the tools to manage.
Logical-Wasabi7402 t1_iuj911q wrote
Three words.
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy
Blissful_EDM t1_iujq37z wrote
That's something I will look into. Already read just now about negative thought patterns from a fellow ADHDer that they only realized through CBT and it made a lot of sense. Granted, testing around different meds/doses is probably the recommended starting point for ADHD. I'll just have to figure it out and I'm going to try my best to put my foot down on myself and do so.
Lou_Dorsett t1_iuj9faz wrote
You're at the point where you need to be sure and making marriage plans or calling it quits.
That's big picture and what anyone would consider. Your mental health questions are for a doctor not reddit. I would suggest you consider non-pharmaceutical treatment by a professional.
EnderDitto t1_iujekat wrote
Making marriage plans or calling it quits at 6 months? After the mistakes I've made, I would say you should live with someone for at least a year before you start shopping for rings. It helps to know someone before you sign life changing paperwork. I just went to a wedding for people who spent a few years making sure they wanted marriage before they did it. It's not the 1950s anymore.
Lou_Dorsett t1_iuk5hog wrote
There are exceptions to every rule. What numbers I've found on success rates for living together first vs marrying show living together fails more than marriage.
So, in giving advice to a stranger from a reddit post I say go by the numbers rather than giving a reflection of ourselves. I haven't seen any numbers on length of dating, but the general rule in my part of the world is that being obviously a forever match at about six months or so is a good indicator. Having issues that early is, too.
EnderDitto t1_iuk9pe2 wrote
I'd rather listen to the licenced marriage counselors I have experience with than some random contrarian using Facebook opinion posts for their "numbers".
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EnderDitto t1_iujhcqj wrote
I highly recommend couples counseling from what you are describing. There are some potential red flags here but without knowing the two of you in person, there's no way to really tell what is a red flag and what is just normal for you two. In my opinion, based on extremely limited information, it's a bit odd that a 23 year old woman in nursing school, (heard that story a thousand times) is saying she is unsure of your future when you clearly have your shit together as far as a degree, your own place, six fuckin' figures, etc. Giving you ultimatums and guilt trips six months in, especially when she hasn't done anything with her life yet, seems like a sign of bad things to come but I hope my assumptions are wrong. Couples counseling helps and it helps even more with couples that deal with mental health stuff. Good luck.
Blissful_EDM t1_iujo8dy wrote
Yeah, I would be lying to myself if I said the topic at hand didn't rub me in a weird way given the context. But it is also something I've realized about myself and never voiced it to her. One of my largest gripes about my own self and she hit the nail on the head. With that being said, she even agreed on the call that I've never hurt her or neglected her due to my tendencies I mentioned above. Just kind of came out of nowhere and it's a decent shot to my confidence during what was a fun little phone call.
She even stated numerous times that her questioning herself and me 99% came from her unfounded fears. Which she is actually currently in therapy for to some extent. Just puts me on edge a little because I have a feeling if I didn't completely agree with her statements it could have potentially spiraled into a much different conversation. But the conversation was extremely long and in depth and she was mainly focused around worries regarding future finances, house chores, potentially taking care of a child, etc, etc. Things that COULD potentially be overwhelming for me form what I've shown. Don't know what else to say other than there is a metric TON of context missing from both sides here.
EnderDitto t1_iujqnlg wrote
Missing context on Reddit is unavoidable lol. I highly recommend couples counseling just to make sure there isn't anything bad, intended or unintended, going on on either side. Your communication already sounds like it's starting well and having a professional involved should only make things better.
Blissful_EDM t1_iujr3ed wrote
Thanks for the help. That is actually something I can bring up in the near future to her and see if she would be on board. Feel like we're both level headed enough to have a neutral third party smack some reality into the one at "fault" for that type of discussion.
EnderDitto t1_iujsoor wrote
Two quick warnings to leave you with. Seeking "fault" is not good but seeking understanding is great. Resisting or avoiding counseling is a bad sign that I hope doesn't happen in your case. You seem to be on a good path. Good luck to both of you.
Blissful_EDM t1_iujwqlo wrote
Perfect warnings. Especially the "fault" one. Could have found a better word, but there is a reason I put scare quotes. She was actually the one who instilled it in me there is no winning in discussions/arguments between couples. Even though we never really argued at all. Thank you for the help!
RagequitSparks t1_iuj7r9w wrote
I had to do a double take and make sure I didn’t write this myself and forgot about it because holy hell man you and I have the exact same tendencies. Your post was like holding a mirror up to myself.
Listen, I’m 28 as well and deal with the same ADHD issues coupled with severe depression. My wife is 2 years older than me, but she deals with pretty bad anxiety. Our mental health has been a source of struggle and strife in our relationship, but it’s also a connection. We’re able to empathize with each other more when one of use is going through a low point in our mental health, and when one of us is down the other picks up the slack. There was a time where she was down so often and made little to no effort to try and seek help that it began to weigh on me, almost to the point of leaving. Vice versa, the same has happened with me and how she couldn’t keep dealing with it. We can only help others as long as we’re not draining ourselves to help them, and that applies to relationships.
Your communication with her is fantastic, keep that up. Strong relationships are built on strong communication. This sounds more like a problem with her not being able to empathize with your ADHD. Maybe couples counseling would help? Not sure what the best answer is, but I’m wishing the best for you two.