(20f) (22m) My boyfriend masturbated to the girl he said he picked me over

Submitted by ellgautu t3_zzy5ph in relationship_advice

I honestly am starting to think that I’m crazy. I apologize for any spelling errors, I’m a native English speaker so it’s my own fault for typos.

My (20f) boyfriend (22m) have been dating for 6 months (close friends for a long time) and he is an amazing human being. He is kind, smart, caring, intelligent, I could go on and on about how great he is.

Here’s the issue: early on in our relationship, he and I were having a very candid conversation where I expressed how I found it hard to become jealous. Like, any interest I’ve ever had in a guy ever has never caused jealousy if they are looking at or for other people. I am just not a jealous person.

He apparently did not like that at all. With a deep fear of abandonment and want to be loved, he wanted me to get a little jealous over him. He wasn’t mean or malicious but he told me that he had to pick between me and another girl about who he was going to date/pursue. This was a girl he was still friends with and that would still come up in conversation a lot.

I was actually very upset to learn this and talked through the issue with 2 of our close male friends and they basically covered for him and said that I was the only one he was interested in and they don’t know where him saying that came from.

I talked to him about all of these things and what bothered me and he assured me that it was just surface-level infatuation (he actually said he didn’t categorize it as liking her because he didn’t think the feelings were deep enough to say that), he didn’t think she was right for him, he only saw her as a friend now, etc. He apparently also texted her once while we were dating to “tie up any loose ends” and catch up with her.

Fast forward to now: we’re on FaceTime last night and having a very casual conversation about sexual attraction to friends and she comes up. I think I asked about her but I’m not sure who brought her up.

He says that he’s masturbated to her multiple times and that he’s envisioned her doing all of these things to him. I am not the thought police, I know that he owed me nothing before we were exclusive. I honestly just feel lied to. I feel like I was led to believe that he didn’t actually think about her all that much and now I’m being told something completely different.

This devolved into him saying that whenever we were going through a rough patch or anything, he’d think “I wouldn’t be having to deal with this if I was dating her”, “maybe I should break up with OP and pursue her”, etc.

I’m not sure if I’m explaining this properly but basically I was told that his “slight” feelings for her weren’t a big deal after he said he picked me over her, and now I’m being told that he liked her a lot and he still thinks about her in rough patches.

Maybe my judgement is clouded on this but he gives a LOT of weight to sex (understandably so) and to hear that was very off-puting because he doesn’t see anything wrong with what he did (texting her despite knowing how he downplayed everything) and the fact that he can still interact with her normally despite this. Also, he hates the fact that I had sex with my ex before dating him and it’s something he struggles with due to my action, that’s why I mentioned that he gave sex a lot of weight.

Any advice would be appreciated, I don’t want to break up with him but I would like solid advice on how to move forward.

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Magali_Lunel t1_j2e9gkk wrote

Honestly, you both sound too immature to date.

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ellgautu OP t1_j2e9mm2 wrote

First comment said exactly what I was thinking about this post being incredibly immature and all of you who see this are right in thinking that. I agree. I am trying to learn here though.

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A2Z-THC t1_j2e9pns wrote

Not sure what you expect having conversations like that.

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ellgautu OP t1_j2ea04o wrote

This is the only issue that shows our age and youth, plenty of couples are open and have candid conversations about their past. The issue isn’t masturbation itself or having feelings for her, it was lying to me.

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A2Z-THC t1_j2eacpy wrote

I dont think those are productive conversations to have somethings are better left unanswered but thats just my opinion. If you guys get in a fight and have sex later, do you wonder if he thinking of her instead of you? I just think those conversations dont get forgotten and if you guys stay together sometimes they get dragged out years later.

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ellgautu OP t1_j2eat79 wrote

That’s fair, we’re not the type of couple that fights and then has sex. We have both expressed that we don’t want it to be used as a bandaid. But, I think you’re right, I do think that we shouldn’t have talked about it but I unfortunately cannot rewrite the past. Thank you for the advice!! If you have any more, please feel free to share

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Present-Ad-3819 t1_j2ea4g4 wrote

You guys have barley been dating. Leave him he doesn’t care about you

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ellgautu OP t1_j2eailt wrote

I am currently not wanting to do that but I appreciate the advice. We have been friends for a long time which is why it feels like we have been together much longer. We are extremely compatible (currently, I know we’re young and still finding ourselves) and I see hope for the future or at least a long term relationship, this is a one-off thing

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Present-Ad-3819 t1_j2ebba7 wrote

Well for your sake I’m hoping it gets better. Based off experience it doesn’t. Don’t let him bring you down no matter what happens.

Be careful though. If he’s already done that and his friends helped him hide it he has probably done more. I’m sorry this is happening to you. You did mention he had feelings for her.

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ellgautu OP t1_j2ebz7c wrote

Thank you. I don’t see this being a long term issue but it is something I am upset by. He doesn’t tear me down, I can honestly say that this is the only situation that has made me feel this way. The problem with our friends is that he actually also downplayed things to them, just not as much as he downplayed them to me. I am struggling to find the balance because one of the two guys, I am very close to.

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Present-Ad-3819 t1_j2ech3n wrote

Ah alright. Just be cautious. Because if he even downplayed it for friends it might be a lot worse.

Im only saying this because of the part where he had to talk it out with two of his friends. I fell as if someone would do that if they were planning on ending a relationship for another person.

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ellgautu OP t1_j2ecup3 wrote

I’m sorry, let me clarify, I am the one who talked to his (our) friends. I asked them if they knew anything about how he was feeling for her at the time and that’s what they said. What I meant was that he downplayed his emotions and feelings for her to them by saying “it’s was only infatuation and it was only for like two weeks” which now it seems he was either lying to himself on or idk what

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Present-Ad-3819 t1_j2ed8co wrote

Ohhh that makes more sense. Infatuation can turn into feelings or obsession. Hopefully it just dies out. Just keep an eye on that infatuation of his so that the wrong feelings don’t die out.

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