WildlyUninteresting t1_j2cfqw7 wrote
What is your actual problem with your dad? His messages are about him wanting you to talk with him. Though not empathetic, they aren’t unreasonable without a greater context.)
BringbackDreamBars OP t1_j2cgy6u wrote
Pretty much, I had a horrendous time when I went to his house. I used to have to sit upstairs because I called his wife her full name rather than her nickname, and honestly, he never tried to engage with me at all because I wasnt friendly with his new wife, all the activities and everything was conditional on me accepting her, the literal week after he left.
WildlyUninteresting t1_j2chb41 wrote
So you both handled it poorly.
Is that really reason to end your entire contact with your dad?
You are 23 now. Putting aside how they pressured you. Was it unreasonable for them to want you to be respectful? You were angry at him but unfortunately his decisions weren’t based on your happiness. That’s a tough position for both of you.
Cool_Story_Bro__ t1_j2crc8c wrote
He handled it poorly? Of course he did. He was 11. It’s not his job to handle it well. It’s his.
You’ve never had had shitty parent that makes you feel like crap for just being yourself huh?
WildlyUninteresting t1_j2cs225 wrote
That is true but it’s time to revisit the issue as an adult.
Feeling shitty didn’t have to last forever. The father wants to mend it but can’t without meeting half way.
Cool_Story_Bro__ t1_j2cuy4d wrote
“It’s time to revisit this issue as an adult”
Why?
What has the father done to earn the right to mend?
Just because someone wants to fix a relationship doesn’t mean you have to.
He asks him not to contact her and he continuously violates his requests. This shows a lack of respect for his feelings, his agency, and his intelligence. Which sounds a lot like what he did when he was young.
Trust, love, and respect are earned.
WildlyUninteresting t1_j2cv9bi wrote
How does he earn it unless they talk?
Cool_Story_Bro__ t1_j2cw0g7 wrote
OP is asking his dad to not contact him, to give him some time to figure out his feelings to know what he wants to say when they talk.
Violating that requests means there’s no point in talking because his behavior says it all. He is telling his son his feelings don’t matter. He his telling him that whatever happens between them has to be on the father’s terms. He’s telling him that he hasn’t changed. He earns it by not contacting him like requested.
You admitted that you have no experience with an situation like this. It’s not that simple. You love your dad and can’t understand not giving him the chance to talk with you about something. This isn’t about you. Your experience and viewpoint is not the one everyone else has.
Honestly your comments are ignorant and oblivious of the intense emotions that come along with situations like this, which are often tied up with childhood trauma.
WildlyUninteresting t1_j2cw4qd wrote
Lots of emotional responses.
It’s understandable but it doesn’t help long term.
Cool_Story_Bro__ t1_j2cwfik wrote
Help what?
He doesn’t want a relationship with his dad. That is a perfectly fine decision.
WildlyUninteresting t1_j2cwm8h wrote
Hence the original comments.
It may not be the wise decision if this issue could be resolved.
Cool_Story_Bro__ t1_j2cwtoi wrote
Are you just trolling?
Your original comment was “you both handled it poorly,” and the gist of “get over it and just talk to him.”
So you’re really blaming him for his dad’s fault when he was 11 and now.
Your an AH. I’m not gonna reply anymore.
WildlyUninteresting t1_j2cx04r wrote
How else do they fix it?
BringbackDreamBars OP t1_j2d9jo3 wrote
Im not interested in fixing this, as far as I´m concerned. We are done for the forseeable future.
WildlyUninteresting t1_j2dvylq wrote
That’s apparent but is this just about an argument when you were 11?
gurlwithdragontat2 t1_j2dv2zz wrote
They don’t.
OP does not want to.
There is nothing to fix.
The father can want a relationship all he wants. I want an infinite bank account. We all want things.
BUT I cannot go out and demand others money, or decided that all money on earth is mine. I can want that, but I would have to trample others to get it. Now people could decided to give me all their money, and that would be sweet! But unreasonable, because I didn’t earn it.
I’m the dad. The relationship with the son is the money. His father is not entitled to a relationship with him.
Just by virtue of ej*culating in other person once X number of years ago, does not entitle you to the time, energy, or relationship with that person once they reach adulthood. If your child decides they don’t want to have a relationship with you, NO MATTER THE LEVEL OF EVOLVEMENT GROWING UP OR HOW GOOD/BAD YOU THINK YOU WERE AS A PARENT ;then they just don’t, and there’s absolutely nothing you can do about that.
aizukiwi t1_j2ci1ro wrote
What are you talking about? He’s entirely unreasonable.
WildlyUninteresting t1_j2ci8vv wrote
Because…
aizukiwi t1_j2ciigx wrote
The father moved his side piece in a week later and expected the kids to be okay. That’s so disrespectful - as someone whose parent has done the same thing. Then the passive agressive “are you mature enough to talk with me now” things. That’s something my own father did/does regularly to myself and my other siblings. Only 5 out of 6 of us still have any sort of relationship with him for the exact same reasons. Respect begets respect, and his father has shown him 0.
WildlyUninteresting t1_j2cixbm wrote
So 12 years later. The goal is to never work past the father moving on?
He didn’t do it to hurt the child. Unfortunately he was just upset about the situation. Understandable but that is also part of life.
His other comments though aggressive are accurate. This is a grudge from childhood. He could handle it better but not being a great communicator isn’t call for ending a relationship. Unless there are other circumstances beyond that move out.
aizukiwi t1_j2cjehj wrote
With the greatest possible respect, that’s a load of bs. It shouldn’t be the CHILD’S responsibility to be the mature and civil one. The father lost respect and the relationship through his actions and words. Moving on ISN’T the issue, and if you can’t see that then I can’t help you. It’s how he handled moving on, and then the way he harasses and talks to his son now. I have a parent exactly like this. I couldn’t care less about his girlfriends, or his now-fiance. Good for them. May they be happy. But he lost the right to a relationship with his kids after the years of constant disrespect and hassling, and it reads exactly like this case.
WildlyUninteresting t1_j2cjzay wrote
With that same respect, you still sound like an angry child.
Holding a grudge for the rest of your life will only continue to scar you. You sound miserable.
Being angry because he moved on won’t help you. That’s just it. You needed to start caring. A lack of care is the problem.
aizukiwi t1_j2ckd1r wrote
I’m fine, happy with my life. I’m apathetic to him, but people like you are infuriating. This conversation is all too familiar. The child in the situation gets blamed for getting themselves out of a toxic cycle because “why can’t you forgive them” or “things have changed” or “why can’t you be more mature?” Since when is it not mature to recognize a toxic relationship and want to remove yourself from it?
WildlyUninteresting t1_j2cku37 wrote
Nothing you say shows happiness or apathy. That hostility is unresolved.
It’s too familiar because that’s what you need to do. Holding on to this grudge won’t help you. That’s the difference between still looking at it like a child and growing some awareness as an adult.
Your relationship isn’t OP. So we have no details. OP hasn’t explained anything toxic. Just unfortunate. Hence asking for clarification.
the6souls t1_j2cx4sz wrote
You don't seem to understand that some issues don't need to be moved past. I would understand your position if the father didn't also prove how little he actually cares about how OP feels, repeatedly, by making new accounts to get around being blocked.
I'm sorry, but if you ever have to make extra accounts to continue contacting someone who blocked you, you're automatically an asshole, and you're only proving that the person who blocked you was 100% correct in doing so.
WildlyUninteresting t1_j2cxfm5 wrote
So you would want your dad to give up on you because at 11 you both had a fight and you left?
Then 10 years later, you still resented a childhood fight? Never trying to make up?
the6souls t1_j2cyjta wrote
No, I would want my dad to give up on me when I repeatedly fucking blocked him. No is a full response. If that father lacked the ability to listen and accept responses from me, then it would only make my life worse to have continued contact with that person.
There is no reason, absolutely none, that makes it okay to harass someone. That's what this is. Making new accounts to keep bothering someone is harassment, the reason why is irrelevant.
It's concerning you don't see repeated, unwanted contact in spite of clear communication to that effect, as a bad thing.
WildlyUninteresting t1_j2d0fdf wrote
Concerning you don’t see the bigger issues.
This is an issue that may be resolved with communication.
You would want your dad to give up on you. That’s unfortunate but explains a lot.
the6souls t1_j2d0ocl wrote
What issue is bigger than harassment? Why are you defending someone who is repeatedly harassing someone else?
Anyone who does this shit is a pathetic loser, without exception. OP does not want this contact. Their father needs to get over himself. If he cared about OP, he wouldn't go against his wishes. The father clearly doesn't give a damn about OP, or he would listen to what OP's actions say.
If you need me to be even more exhaustive in explaining this very simple concept, let me know.
WildlyUninteresting t1_j2d138b wrote
> What issue is bigger than harassment?
The fight that started this rift.
> Why are you defending someone who is repeatedly harassing someone else?
Because of the reasons for the harassment.
> Anyone who does this shit is a pathetic loser, without exception.
That’s ridiculous. You just skipped understanding reasons and judged without context.
> OP does not want this contact.
Yes. But is that really in his best interest? Wanting something doesn’t make it necessarily wise.
> Their father needs to get over himself.
He’s trying to by communicating.
> If he cared about OP, he wouldn't go against his wishes.
He may feel there are deeper issues and want to solve them.
> The father clearly doesn't give a damn about OP, or he would listen to what OP's actions say.
No. He just has a different goal.
> If you need me to be even more exhaustive in explaining this very simple concept, let me know.
Don’t worry. I explained it back for you instead.
the6souls t1_j2elr95 wrote
You're an idiot, and this is a waste of time. No, some fight ten years ago is not a bigger issue than a literal crime.
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