I’m so glad you’re doing this AMA. It’s such a unique specialization. Can you share more about how you ended up in this specialty?

LOL! I'm so loving your description of yourself, your lifestyle choices and much energy you clearly have! I'm curious how you go about finding like-minded peers who share your enthusiasm of living a life that is childfree; can you say more about how one goes about that? Thanks!

[removed]

Did you spell women as womxn on purpose in the title? As someone who enjoys etymology this bothers me. X is not a vowel.

What advice would you give to someone that cannot decide whether or not they want to be child free?

Why did you go to a post like this seeking etymology?

I didn't, it was suggested to me by reddit. I understand why it's done in feminist terms, It just bothers me as someone who believes that the written should emulate the sounds of spoken language. Womxn is unpronounceable.

Any thoughts on how to first start telling people your childfree? People ask so many questions

[removed]

Why do you lead with and specialize in child free? Do you find that the challenges by people choosing (or chosen for) this lifestyle are that unique or require such special attention? If so, please elaborate on the specific challenges or themes you find!

Being a millennial from California, I never witnessed (or experienced) pressure to procreate until I moved to the Southeastern United States. I'm also interested in any patterns you've found e.g regional differences or personality traits of people struggling with their child free journey; if you're willing to share.

[removed]

Hi u/DrMorganLevy! Thank you for the question and one I am sure to get a few times--I know I get it IRL.

As a professional counselor by training and following a very typical path for someone in their mid-thirties, I eventually made it to private practice specializing in supporting high-achieving womxn with anxiety. I spent years learning about and diving deeper into the the unique aspects of self-doubt, feeling out of control, external pressures, stick-ness, isolation/loneliness, and so much more.

Throughout this time of learning and growing within my counseling practice I realized that had completely forgotten to "bring myself into the equation," if you will. I too had spent a good portion of my early adulthood feelings these things until I had worked through it on my own, with my therapist, and through finding like minded friends.

When I allowed myself to see my journey and how that did or didn't line up with the research (at the time) on friendship, fulfillment, "purpose", and overall satisfaction the specialization became a no-brainer -- which is funny because it took a ton of brain power/hours to get there. HAHA

I have known I didn't want kids since I was 20. My parents, friends, even my doctors were unsupportive, judgmental, rude, and/or dismissive. These reactions to someone's personal choice on what to do with their life wasn't unique to me and it continues today.

Such reactions contribute heavily to the loneliness/isolation, sadness, anxiety, dissatisfaction, guilt, shame, fear, etc that plague womxn who aren't living a life free to live on their terms.

This is why it was so important for me to, again, further niche my specialization to focus on supporting these womxn in way that isn't lumping their childfree-ness into a general demographic answer but instead realizing the person beneath the responses to external pressures and societal expectations.

For me, it comes down to representation and allowing people to use a clear definer of themselves and their lives as a foundation of how they build their life. Not that the label is in itself the definition and end goal.

For more AMAs on this topic, subscribe to r/IAmA_Health, and check out our other topic-specific AMA subreddits here.

Thank you so much for your thoughtful response. I love what you're saying about not having the label be the end goal. I agree that it's super important for people to build that foundation for their life and how THEY choose to live it.

Oh, this is such a great question! I'm curious to hear the answer to this too.

Why jump around with the different designations for females? You said "Womxn", "woman" and "women" and referred to mothers, then you referred to "childless people".

Hey u/LCSW-Therapy445, Thanks. I am happy to hear my energy for this work is showing through. The work with womxn who are childfree or childless is so much more important than many think about because society expects womxn to procreate-even eventually.

Anyway--that's another soap box. To your question, it can be difficult to find like minded adult friends in general. There brilliant minds researching this topic alone and finding that one of the biggest keys to reducing loneliness and maintaining adult friends is the TIME you put into the friendship --not the time you've known someone. So in terms of childfree, when we find friends who don't have kids and aren't going to have kids then both people have more TIME (in theory) to spend with each other. This doesn't have be in person. It's the texts, the phone calls, the face times, etc.

So when you know this, it is easier to begin seeing social gatherings and opportunities to meet new people not from a place of "must make friends NOW, lol" but instead from a place of "who do I really have something in common with ?" "who do I want to spend more TIME with?" Often when we meet in social gatherings the discussion is focused "superficially" on work, partners, homes, kids, pets.

This is less true (not a rule more generalization) with childfree people as we are able and prioritizing things outside of that. When you seek out those who are looking for personal growth while engaging in life then you have a great person to start hanging out with.

There are also online communities including here on REDDIT just for the childfree and childless. If you're more shy like me these might be a good place to start. If you're more outgoing -- start a meetup in your area! There are more of us than you think!

Oh this is a really great question and one with a few layers to it. If you haven't noticed from other answers I've given--I'm a bit verbose.

I often start working with people who are in this space from a place far from the "to kid or not to kid" perspective. Kids are not things or just another check box on the list of "how to adult." Which is often where I see the breakdown in understanding the childfree. But I digress.

When working through this question, we start with helping clients inside my Unapologetically Childfree Collective identify and prioritize their values. Meaning, what is important to you. Not simply "family, happiness, etc." Instead, getting deep into seeing where things like "adventure, simplicity, creativity, intellectual stimulation, kindness, caring, teaching, inner peace, friendships, etc." rank in your life.

In doing this, you'll have a better idea of "who you are" and what you really want in your life.

The next step is to identify and work through any of the things you believe about yourself, your life, the should/supposed to-s, that don't fit into the values you hold.

Third step is taking that information and create a "map" of how to not only create but also live the life you want on your terms. This may or may not include children. You won't know until you do a bit of self reflection.

When you do decide, the decision is full of confidence and joy that even on the hard days of being childfree (or a mother) you know you chose what what best for you at the time given ALL the information you had at that moment.

Oh my YES they do! And sometimes the questions aren't that nice or even meant to be a question more than a dig/judgement.

Like most things that are difficult, I tell my clients to start with the easy wins. Tell your pets, the furniture in your house, your dashboard. Feel what it is like to say it out loud. And when I say feel..I mean FEEL it. Feel your voice--is it shaking? Feel your belly--is it queasy? Feel your chest--is it tight? When these signs of fear and self doubt begin to dissipate then tell your friends who you KNOW will give you a high five not a lecture.

And build on that. Eventually telling people that you're unsure of -- this can be family/friends or the public. Depending on your situation one might be more easy navigate.

The most important thing to remember--YOU DON'T OWE ANYONE AN EXPLANATION. Many people believe we have to explain why we do what we do with our lives. This is fundamentally not true. NO IS A FULL SENTENCE. So is, "I am choosing not to have children." You don't have to say more.

I definitely understand how the use of x doesn't fit the English language and frankly that is the point. The word isn't perfect and isn't as inclusive as we'd like it to be (thinking of non-binary persons here) and as you can see in the NYT article I'm linking, there isn't 100% support for the word in the feminist community either. Much like everything, there are poles to each continuum.

I will note the use of the x not new and has been used as early as the 1970s (that we are aware of at this point). The original goal here is to take the role of MAN out of our lives and this issue is central to the childfree community.

Many of the pressures to reproduce (in addition to those who do feel that biologically--which isn't universal), the patriarchal society has set up a road map for young girls to become mothers with very little deviation. This includes teaching girls caregiving skills as children (dolls, easy bake ovens, fake cleaning supplies) and often asked about marriage and kids plans long before the have a fully formed frontal lobe.

I can appreciate how it is different, heck I don't use it all the time because I was raised for 30+ years to use an A. It's a process for progress.

Here are some resources for you to better understand the use and purpose of the word even it if isn't pronounceable with the x (although you do just use the A pronunciation).

Time line of the use X
NYT

This question makes me so happy you're here! I'm going to answer in parts because my response has gotten a bit long already and I want ensure that my answers are providing clarity--which is hard when I get as verbose and impassioned as I often do with this topic!

1. Q: Why do you lead with and specialize in child free?

To answer the first one--you can see a long and detailed answer I gave in another comment here.

2. Q: Do you find that the challenges by people choosing (or chosen for) this lifestyle are that unique or require such special attention?

Some of this is answered already in the link I have above but I will elaborate a bit here as well. From both professional and personal experience, I would say the concerns within choosing and embracing this lifestyle isn't "unique" in its difficulty. I also am acutely aware it isn't nearly as difficult as other life choices or experiences that others may have.

However, it is a deviation from the general worldwide expectation of a womxn's role (in particular) in society. The uniqueness is in the privilege that more and more are afforded to make the choice versus caving to pressures or being forced to follow the "rules."

And in doing so, the expected judgement, criticism, isolation, and general lost feeling that comes from deviating from the norm becomes more prevalent. These are a few of the issues I work through with my clients as they navigate the "what's next" aspect of their lives.

Specifically because there is a common trope of the childfree womxn: work is her "child," dislikes children, has mountains of money, travels all the time, etc. This in itself becomes a pressure that many childfree don't subscribe to--to once again they don't "fit in" to a mold that people understand.

The above pressures are in addition to those from the other side of the continuum who view the choice as "selfish & immature." This side of the continuum also outwardly expresses the POV that childfree people are only "that way" because they "haven't met the right person yet."

What this leads to is struggling to find an identity. As I previously mentioned, I don't believe it is entirely unique. As lack of identity is often common in other populations (including mothers). What I see as unique is the path to address and work through finding a values based fulfilling life is different.

I am struggling to think of any research I have read where a culture isn't primarily grooming young girls to be mothers at some point. Which means that even in your case and millions of others, that is the exception.

For many, especially those raised in more conservative, religious, and/or smaller communities it takes a TON of courage to break the mold and be the "black sheep." Not only in that moment, but also because the questions, judgement, lack of understanding continues for years--Im 16 years in and still get "bingo'd" at least once a week.

Ok--whew, I'll post this one and answer more of your question in another comment.

I completely understand the reason for feminists not liking to use woman (although a bit childish imo) but I don't understand why you don't just create a whole new word. Spelling it womxn and then pronouncing it woman is just dumb. Spelling of a word itself holds no meaning other than to represent the sound of the spoken word. If you still pronounce the word as woman it's still the same word, just misspelled. I'm not some anti-feminist btw I just think there are more important fights to fight for the movement.

What are some tips you can offer to women who have children to support their friends who are child free and dealing with societal pressure?

>Thank you for your patience with my break. I'm going to keep working through this one. I love it so much and want to provide as much as I can for you and the thread.
>
>3) Q: If so, please elaborate on the specific challenges or themes you find!

In addition to what I have already mentioned, persons who have chosen to be childfree and those who are childless by circumstance and now embracing life without kids is the, what feels like, constant attempts from others to "change our minds" or "pity" or "problem solving" that is forced on us in social environments.

For example, for the childless many will discuss ways they or "people they know" have been successful in conceiving and carrying to term. Tons of advice on how the childless can "fix" the "problem" of living without children.

Similarly, the childfree by choice are often faced with opinions that are based from the POV that those who do have children have chosen a "better" life.

In both of these examples, especially since these aren't uncommon or rare by any means, the receiver of these messages are fundamentally -- "you're different and we don't like it so we need to fix you" and/or "you're a bad person."

I do admit those statements are reductionistic and generalized. I also am knowledgeable of how the conscious and subconscious parts of our brain process information. The latter takes in information and does just that--simplifies it to fit into a category that activates the sympathetic nervous system or the parasympathetic nervous system (scary stimuli or safe stimuli, respectively).

So, when we think about themes and specific challenges of the childfree and childless it really is about working through the all too big question "who am I" and then "where do I fit into the world?"

Often the childfree and childless will attempt and be welcomed initially by those who love and care for them. The goal is to live as if the choice they made or that their bodies made doesn't make them different (because remember "different = bad"). So instead there is a shrinking that happens. A guilt for having different interests, more money or more time, a desire to branch out of the expected.

And as with any group that is not in the "majority" there is a loneliness that comes from feeling like the only one or somehow broken.

The latter is much more common for childless by circumstance persons but also for the childfree by choice like me who don't have a "maternal clock" or the desire to have babies. From the first stories we are told as young girls is that our bodies were MADE to have kids...and sure I have all the organs that in theory would allow me to do that so choosing not to use them in that way can, for some, feel like a betrayal.

Although there are a ton more themes, I'll finally mention religion as one of the largest forces behind the pressure to reproduce. Edin & Kefalas (2011) discussed how specifically in the Catholic faith marriage has historically been taught as "primarily procreative." Which is one of many examples of the lessons taught to "be fruitful and multiply."

CORRECTION--The research I mentioned above is not accurately cited. It is actually Richie (2014)

>4) Q: I'm also interested in any patterns you've found e.g regional differences or personality traits of people struggling with their child free journey?

If I were a natural researcher, versus a consumer of research, this would be something I'd love to dig into. Dr. Amy Blackstone has been researching the childfree since 2008 and has great information on the group as a whole.

With that said, I am going to answer this question from my personal experience and anecdotal examples. If you are wanting more of a global answer let me know and I can get into the research and let you know.

I haven't found as much of a regional difference outside of the usual differences we see between urban, suburban, and rural areas. I believe much of this is more related to SES, association with religious organizations, educational systems, etc.

Personality traits is a FUN one--because personality itself is a fun one. My professional view is that we are shaped by all the stimuli we are exposed to throughout our lives including our generational lessons and experiences.

What I have found is those who expressly choose to be childfree (not are childfree by happenstance or childless by circumstance) have been either parent-ified as children in one way or another. This and/or seeing the struggle of parents (theirs or others) in raising children.

Which is a direct opposition from the "Leave it to Beaver" model of family. So the choice to break from that feels more "obvious." However, it isn't necessarily easier.

Another trait, is the opposite of those above and those are the "lost child" and/or one of many that have not had the pressures placed on them.

Additionally, those who are childfree and it wasn't necessarily a choice but timing and/or partnering never worked out also demonstrate one of the things the many don't understand and that is -- they never felt the internal drive to prioritize having kids.

​

I'm happy to discuss more if you're interested!

Thank you for pointing this out. My use of womxn is relatively new (about 1.5 years) and I am still defaulting to the habit of woman/women. This is swap or jumping around is not intentional and is part of my growth process.

As for "childless people," I use this as well to recognize that not all persons without kids by choice or circumstance do not identify as a womxn.

The complexities of language, labels, and identity are evidenced in my purposeful and accidental use of the terms you mentioned.

The primary differentiation in the community I live and work in is childfree vs childless. The others are bigger than the childfree and childless community.

You are correct there are much larger fights inside the movement. And I am sure there are some that are working on alternative language. I am of the opinion to use the better option while the next best thing is being created. But as mentioned in the NYT article it isn't perfect by any means.

I also wanted to come back to this and let you know I added my free scripts to my intro and these are really helpful in answering some of these questions where it is hard not to feel the need to keep explaining -- you can grab it free (in exchange for your email and you can unsubscribe anytime) here.

Oh u/throwaway382629 THANK YOU SO MUCH for asking this question.

As a professional counselor by training I always default back to listening first, asking real questions that are not based in personal needs/desires, and give yourself permission to love someone who is different. One or more of these will be easier than the others and that will depend on the parents themselves and the relationship as a whole.

Additionally, if you are really wanting to support and help them through the process you can recommend the following the books (and you can read or skim yourself) the following books:

“Olive” by Emma Gannon — if you’re the only one in the friend group who doesn’t want kids
“Motherhood” by sheila heat — if you’re on the fence
“Childfree by Choice” by Amy Blackstone — if you’re great with kids but don’t want your own
“Selfish, Shallow, and Self-Absorbed” by Megan Daum — for a range of perspectives

Another way to help is when you are in social situations with that person is to help them have discussions outside of children--as a whole including discussion of status of uterus use. This is also a great way to deepen your relationship with these people because you both will connect on a deeper level.

Oh! I can't believe I forgot--it is so helpful to hear how you navigated the social pressures in your own life and how you decided to live life on your terms--yes, that included children but it wasn't b/c society told you to -- it's because you really wanted them in your life. (Obviously, only say this if it is true).

Hearing that others even those who "fit" into the traditional model are doing so because they WANT to and made purposeful decisions is really refreshing.

Love this advice Maggie! We finally decided in the last couple of years it’s a No for us and we felt such a weight lift, even when we said it out loud to each other! And then this year I maybe got a little too drunk and told my dad and his response was “yeah, I’m not surprised.” 😂 Mothers and sisters-in-law are a different story, but we’ll get there.

Do you have any tips for the holiday season where many people may be getting asked "when are you having kids" by family members?

Great points, I'd be fascinated to see and read more of this in a book were you to publish one. I think it's a strong message reading how you view and phrase it that deserves more of a spotlight in our society.

[removed]

I love this and your observations from personal experience seems to ring very true / align with my own. I really would like to see this discussion brought to light more broadly in society, but as we know challenging traditionally accepted cultural norms in any way often brings additional drama for the challenger.

I'd love to chat about this further in an academic sense, or even run a study or two to inform articles for publication. Feel free to DM me if you'd like to talk further and enjoy your holiday!

Thanks for your time and thoughtful responses

Here is my proof--PROOF

Proof re-added to post and a comment on the thread. It's also here PROOF

What advice would you give to childless men? Society basically says something is you wrong with you if you are middle age, single, and childless. How do you avoid this stigma and convince women that it doesn't mean something must be wrong with you?

[removed]

Why did you choose this profession over others?

In my personal opinion, it is just basic biology that most women live a happier and more fulfilled life when they have kids and/or a partner that is male. (this statement is backed up not only by studies but also by my common thought.) Why do you personally think helping women live life without a partner is more important than helping women find partners?

Not trying to be petty, but I'm not sure what womxn means in this context? Could you explain?

Why are you saying womxn? How is this word pronounced and why are you using it?