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niceoutside2022 t1_j84ulus wrote

it's called unity of purpose, meaning, you have agreed upon goals and are both committed to it. Do yourself a favor and don't get married until you know what your potential spouse prioritizes.

You want to buy a home, have a family? If the person you are with would rather spend money on other things, you have a problem. Similarly, if you want to travel the world and take things as they come, you had better be with someone who is comfortable with the level of uncertainty that comes with it. The point being, you need to be honest with yourself and each other, don't let the romantic buzz at the early stages of a relationship blind you, because it will if you don't do the hard work.

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Xoor t1_j850jt9 wrote

To follow up on that, there's a huge difference between what a person says they want and what their actions show that they are capable of handling. At least if you're obviously incompatible, it's easy to recognize. Less obvious is when you both agree on what you want but one party just doesn't put serious effort in and you're left doing everything. What your partner does and how they act matters as much as what they say they want to do and who they say they want to be.

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BasileusBasil t1_j85a4qb wrote

This is absolutely true, but it's not always easy to reach your goals. Both me and my gf want to get a house for ourselves, it's not really feasible with our jobs though. It's not that we aren't putting in enough effort, it's that our efforts won't be ever be enough.

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C4-BlueCat t1_j88byd4 wrote

As long as you are both putting in that effort, you are still showing yourself capable. The rest are outside factors hindering you.

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[deleted] t1_j85igqd wrote

[deleted]

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BasileusBasil t1_j85j24e wrote

The job market in our country it's an hellscape , do you think that we're it that easy we wouldn't already have done that?

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bandyplaysreallife t1_j8643f2 wrote

Moving to a new city and getting a new job in your field is a massive risk assuming it's possible at all.

In the future I'd suggest not giving this kind of advice in this situation, it offers zero valuable insight and comes off incredibly condescending for no good reason.

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Aporkalypse_Sow t1_j85f2sz wrote

My cousin and the mother of hopefully his only child with her have a relationship like this. She's a psycho that dreams of the things she sees on social media. She's also completely useless and lazy. Her only life skills up to this point have been providing sex to whomever pays the rent on her dad's rental house, drinking, and smoking more weed than the average oompa loompa.

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bandyplaysreallife t1_j865cma wrote

A life with no real challenges will do that to someone. Boredom gets filled with drugs, realistic goals get swapped with delusions. It really does the person no favors in the long run and it's a shame that people have enabled her for so long. People only get really out of touch like that when they can afford to be.

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Responsible-Laugh590 t1_j860nry wrote

Hey prostitution is a valuable job and somebodies gotta do it!

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Aporkalypse_Sow t1_j8677dh wrote

Sure. But you aren't supposed to live with the clients.

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JuanDuartec t1_j876sdp wrote

I support your comment about been a Job. At the end prostitution is a exchange of money for a service and should be respected and supported ( have right) like any other job. Even more for the safety of the worker.

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Drudicta t1_j86ns1o wrote

Been the house person, cleaning, grocery shipping, researching, saving money on purchases, that kind of stuff.

Fiance still grew to despise Dru over time anyway, because despite working constantly every day with no breaks, she didn't see it that way, and just saw a leech. Didn't matter how much was contributed.

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Alarmed-Wolf14 t1_j87esat wrote

The people that are more naturally equipped to fill the support roles like this never get the recognition they deserve because a lot of it is intangible (less stress on the other person) or isn’t noticed (like good technology, good support is almost never noticed when it works. When the house is clean and groceries are bought within the budget and making every purchase count and making the best possible use of money by hours of research)

I’m that person too and it took my husband living on his own to realize how much I take care of for him. He forgets time to time still so I will get busy doing something more tangibly productive and stop doing the other stuff but it never lasts long.

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Drudicta t1_j87jujd wrote

Maybe she'll call after being alone for a long time. Or maybe not and she'll just piss all her money away instead of reaching any of her goals.

She's always been terrible with money and was way worse before we met.

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reddituser567853 t1_j87dfvs wrote

Something tells me fiance made more money than Dru

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Drudicta t1_j87jjzo wrote

Well yeah, she specifically said to be the stay at home person.

Would have been nice to have had some communication that it was no longer enough.

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C4-BlueCat t1_j88c2k0 wrote

Did the two of you make the initial decision to have one person home together?

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Drudicta t1_j88y4fo wrote

We did. But she changed her mind later down the road without saying anything until she got so mad that she suddenly broke up without any indication

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reddituser567853 t1_j88sp3a wrote

If your father never taught you this, he should have.

Never ever agree to a situation like this. Maybe if you are married and have a child, but then only short term.

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Drudicta t1_j88yatz wrote

The only thing the parents taught was how to drink alcohol, smoke meth and abuse children.

Have had to learn everything alone.

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tahthtiwpusitawh t1_j88t83h wrote

Highly accurate. Very tough to anticipate when it comes to kids and difficult times. Use proxy measures as best you can. Ie: what happens under stress, no sleep, general responsibility/accountability.

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Plumb789 t1_j89zpb2 wrote

I agree 100%. Someone once told me: “judge people by what they do, not by what they say”.

It can be hard facing the truth, sometimes, but it is better to do so. If someone is moving in an opposite direction to where they say they want to go, you have to be prepared to see this for what it means.

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PsychologicalLuck343 t1_j85e60h wrote

One of the worst mistakes we make about other people is assuming that other brains even work like our own does.

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AustinLurkerDude t1_j85a7xe wrote

Usually there's early warning signs. Like my wife and I spent $500 on our wedding and less than that on the engagement ring. It allowed us to spend big $$$ on our future house and vacations.

​

My friend had the opposite issue where his ex-gf wanted some very extravagant rings/weddings so he broke it off.

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bandyplaysreallife t1_j865t0g wrote

The only way I'd spend big on a wedding or ring is if someone were gifting those things to me. Ain't no way in hell I'd pay thousands out of my own pocket for something that could be better spent building our lives together.

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Alarmed-Wolf14 t1_j87exjl wrote

Yeah same. I do not want something so expensive it would hurt if it got lost or broke in my finger. Let’s improve our lives together so we can spend more free time together instead.

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HelenAngel t1_j85n2ko wrote

Libido should also be part of this as well. Libido mismatch is a serious issue in a lot of relationships

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bandyplaysreallife t1_j8666o2 wrote

And it's not always men with the higher libido too. Something a lot of people might not realize if they're used to the outdated ideas that men always want sex.

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HelenAngel t1_j87hqwe wrote

Absolutely. I have a high libido (I’m a woman) & my abusive ex-husband used it to manipulate & torment me. No one of any gender should be punished for having a high libido.

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NittyGrittyDiscutant t1_j86egy3 wrote

Why do you think it's outdated? Seems like this one is actually still a thing.

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redditguy1974 t1_j874da8 wrote

Go read around r/deadbedrooms for a bit. You will find that it is absolutely not true that men always want sex. You will find many, many women (or gay men) there lamenting the fact that their husbands/boyfriends never want sex.

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Drudicta t1_j86o6vv wrote

Once a week was to much. :(

Still feel bad about it

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Imaginary-Ad-9397 t1_j85klwe wrote

I have seen this sentiment being echoed by lots of people here, and it genuinely sounds like solid advice.

My only question is : where do you draw the line and say you're incompatible ? Surely two people can't be expected to look eye to eye on every single matter. And if there are differences, how many should be allowed before the question of compatibility arises.

Maybe she wants to roam the world, but you wanna get settled, and you two agree on everything else. Is that a deal breaker ?

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bandyplaysreallife t1_j866kca wrote

The only 100% deal breakers are if both parties aren't committed to the relationship. Anything else can be worked through in theory, although basically everyone will draw the line at giving up major life goals or compromising core values.

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HelenAngel t1_j85nhnf wrote

Yes, ultimately it is a dealbreaker because there will come a time when they will want to explore & the other person won’t. One good way to discover this is to ask a potential partner what they hope their life will be like in 5 years. It’s the same with libido- ultimately the relationship won’t last without someone becoming resentful of the other partner that they feel is limiting them

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maimou1 t1_j86z0ps wrote

idk, I've traveled a bit without husband but with his agreement, and we're still happy together (41 years in August).

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slinkysuki t1_j87e242 wrote

Well yeah, the agreement is key. You don't have to value everything the same, but you do need to understand that someone else is allowed to have different priorities and you may have to accommodate them from time to time.

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Cayslayy t1_j87gtas wrote

I wish I really understood this 10 years ago..

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Alarmed-Wolf14 t1_j87gzsp wrote

I mean it’s not always a deal breaker. I’ve always wanted to travel but would give that up for the right person and did.

I think back on it sometimes but I don’t blame them. I made the decision and they aren’t adverse to taking vacations so that’s a good middle ground for me.

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HelenAngel t1_j87i4x4 wrote

As long as it’s good for you, absolutely. But there are others who would become resentful that they are prevented from leading the life they want to live.

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opiusmaximus2 t1_j87e7oy wrote

Marriage is a lot longer than 5 years. 5 year plans are irrelevant for marriages.

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HelenAngel t1_j87gkg1 wrote

That’s a fair point. But it should hopefully give you a better idea if your goals are compatible. With that said, obviously people change & there are no guarantees- especially in marriage.

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-GreyPaws t1_j85ni0g wrote

So long as both parties are committed to working on/toward the relationship, they should be successful.

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Imaginary-Ad-9397 t1_j85nxrj wrote

You know what, i like this sentiment better. Ofc if there are too many things you disagree on, then it's best to move on. But communication, and actively working on problems is the way to go.

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redditguy1974 t1_j8753gw wrote

>Maybe she wants to roam the world, but you wanna get settled, and you two agree on everything else. Is that a deal breaker ?

This was our exact situation. It should have been a deal breaker. We settled down. This was almost 19 years ago. I still don't think she's ever forgiven me for "ruining her plans to travel the world". It caused years and years of resentment, and left her in a major depression.

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Vagabond_Girl t1_j8780v5 wrote

Oh boy…you make me wonder about my own relationship. We’ve only been together 3yrs, but I know she always wants to explore the world, and I don’t have the traveling bug as much as her.

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redditguy1974 t1_j89c7gt wrote

I don't have any traveling bug any more. I spent over seven years of my career traveling. 60 international cities in 20 countries, and over 100 cities in the US, spending at least a week in each with plenty of time off. So I don't have any need to see any more. I am happy going, but I don't feel any need to. I'm much more of a home body and enjoy my time at home being productive.

I would tell anyone....if you are dating someone with true intent to travel the world, and you do not have that bug, you should break up. Because it will cause issues.

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Odd-Independent6177 t1_j86u67l wrote

At a minimum, you need to agree around the things that one person in the partnership can’t have without the other person. For reasonably conventional marriages, kids are the key example. With home prices the way they are, home ownership may be another. Monogamy also seems like it fits the description.

Depending on your disposable income, it may be possible to have some dreams, like a sports car or a horse, that are personal treats that the partner doesn’t pay for or care about. With less disposable income, those things might crowd out essentials, though.

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[deleted] t1_j86o4vd wrote

Been married for 10 years now as someone who's 37 years old (bit of an anomaly these days). Professionally I was the main bread winner for awhile but my wife wanted to go further with her career but we didn't want to sacrifice raising our kids ourselves. We were both raised by parents where both the man and woman had full time intensive careers that took most of their time while we were younger so it was important for us to not that do that ourselves. I've adjusted to doing what would be largely considered the mom's role by handling home school and house stuff (though she ends up cleaning after me half the time heh). We're both quite happy and proud to say that our kids have grown into teenagers with good heads on their shoulders. It's important to be flexible with each other and not let culture dictate what your role should be IMO. Wife is close to finishing her MBA soon and likely is going to make more than I would have in IT anyway so it panned out.

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C4-BlueCat t1_j88c8nf wrote

Is the cleaning possibly a serious problem in the making?

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[deleted] t1_j88e7ql wrote

Nope. I just chuckle about it, let her do it, say good job, and go do something else.

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C4-BlueCat t1_j88i4iu wrote

More like, is there a future risk she will get fed up and divorce you over it

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capaldithenewblack t1_j89li7x wrote

It is hard. Sometimes as we grow, our purpose and meaning can significantly change. Do you sacrifice what feels like truth to you to live an authentic life with someone you love?

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pedstrom t1_j8ldl31 wrote

Also: goals change over time.

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niceoutside2022 t1_j8lf0la wrote

there's no getting around that, the best you can do is start from a good place and hope for the best

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