look at whatever you want. any boundaries would be not looking while you are in the same room or something. seriously you are an adult, do whatever you want

I lost focus because sailboats are my greatest weakness.

L. Francis Herreshoff is dead...

...long live L. Francis Herreshoff

This is horrible advice. Do not listen to this person

It's your relationship, you get to decide together what it looks like.

But you looking at arousing media isn't a "boundary" of hers. Boundaries are behaviors that involve her and make her uncomfortable. This is just a rule she has for you regarding your behavior generally while in a relationship with her. If you're ok with that, cool. If not, talk to her about it.

Relationships have lots of rules. I think this one is stupid but it's not my relationship.

I don't think that's necessarily true. If he were to sleep with other people, would that be crossing a boundary or breaking a rule? Either way it seems pretty pedantic.

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>Boundaries are behaviors that involve her and make her uncomfortable.

So it's only cheating if she's included, got it.

Do you remember how you met?

Awful advice.

If op wants to look then he shouldn't agree not to look. Boundaries are what the pair agreed upon.

Monogamy is a pretty common rule in relationships. Seems likely that is a rule both have for each other.

Boundaries are set for oneself. “You cant sleep with other people” is a rule. “I won’t stay in this relationship if you sleep with other people” is a personal boundary

She must be really insecure. Are you also not allowed to go out in the summer? Have to wear a blindfold at the beach?

ur actually kinda right but he shouldn't have agreed on the beginning

I could have probably worded it better. I would never let someone tell me what I can and cannot look at. you are right he should have never agreed to that

it seems to be a stupid rule. do you. you are not done with playing around and she wants that from a relationship. this cannot be forced on anyone. go play around until you are mature enough to have a serious relationship.

yep because it is perfectly normal if a person in a committed relationship looks at the boobs of women on the beach. OP is not mature enough for this relationship. that is fine.

Yea, looking at other people on the beach is fine for most relationships.

So the DUMB thing about the Instagram feed is that they will show you things that those you're following will look at, especially if it has no idea your preferences.

I initially got Instagram to follow a few brands that I follow, just to get updates on them, and also a few of my friends. I seldom post stuff, and I almost never like stuff because that wasn't what I got Instagram for.

For the longest time, scantily clad women kept turning up in my feed even though I don't look at such stuff, and even after repeatedly clicking the "do not show me similar stuff" button. My gf was also semi-pissed when she saw my feed.

Eventually she started working at Meta and found out how their algorithms work and told me about them (see first sentence).

Recently, I started to like some watch photos (got into modding Seiko watches) and now my feed is nothing but watches.

Yes, I was picking apart the way you said it that suggests cheating is somehow OK because "She's not involved".

For some people, monogamy includes not staring at (semi) naked women for sexual gratification.

I will point out the good butts and boobs in public to my boyfriend lol. You can get hungry outside of the house, as long as you come home for dinner.

Those people will be either forever alone or cheated on the whole time.

I seriously will never understand a man’s desire to look at other women in a sexual way who aren’t their partner. But that’s just me, I guess. Say goodbye to your relationship if you put photos of random women on Insta over your real live girlfriend.

What a load of crap. You understand that some people get married when they share the same values and are both happy with the rules, right? Don't act like one rule fits all, it doesn't.

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Does she cover his eyes if they're watching a movie where there is female nudity? How about if they're at the beach? It isn't as if OP's watching hardcore porn or wasting money on strippers. Honestly, this is a stupid boundary and when she has a better understanding of men she will realize this and set realistic ones.

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My wife has no problem with me looking at scantily clad women online. However, I wouldn't outright stare at another female walking by. That's just rude.

From your comment I have deduced you are a control freak and believe yourself to always be correct in every situation. See how that works?

Prepare to be shocked: Women also look at the boobs of other women on the beach. Do you think everyone who looks at boobs on the beach is immature or just the ones in relationships?

I didn't say that at all, I was explaining the difference between boundaries and rules.

Most, though not all, romantic relationships have monogamy as a rule.

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The good news is: My boat doesn't get jealous if I appreciate the fine lines of another boat.

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You're on the internet in 2023. I don't care who you are, a half-naked woman is bound to pop up from time to time.

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Well username checks out because you are a nub at reading comprehension. They did not say that AT ALL.

I’m actually amazed that you read their comment and came to the conclusion that they said “it suggests cheating is somehow OK”.

I think her "rule" is unrealistic. You'll be looking at other women in public all the time. Some will be showing cleavage.

If you're on a diet, you'll be looking at ice cream and cookies in stores, in movies, and from people around you.

Glancing at something isn't the same as touching it.

Catalina makes a solid boat

1978 was the first year of the 25, do you have a really low hull number (either way, she is definitely a keeper)? Fixed or swing keel?

everyone. I am a woman. why would I look at boobs at the beach? Prepare to be shocked: there are naturalists who are butt naked when they bath. i lived in japan you are naked when you bathe with women or mixed genders so with men as well. Do you think people look at each others' genitals there? jesus. so immature. Everyone has genitals you stop staring at them after you come to terms with your sexuality.

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wait, so a man is still interested sexually in other women in a committed relationship. do I deduce that he still wants to play ? yes. and I said that this is perfectly ok and that his girlfriend should not control this. this is not something that she can change on demand. so now you think that I am a control freak. weird.

he is interested sexually in other women. he still wants to play. the girlfriend on the other hand should not try to control this. if he is still interested in `playing he is not ready for a committed relationship.

No, dude. They were trying to point out that you are making a lot of assumptions in your comment that weren't warranted and demonstrating that by doing something similar to you.

"Forgot" LOL

Boobs aren't genitals, unless you're doing something really freaky.

Dear lord, can a single one of these replies actually consider that a girl /may not want/ to see the fact that her boyfriend looks at half naked women on Instagram /any time he opens the app./ your feed on there is DIRECTLY affected by what you’re looking at/clicking on/liking/whatever. A girl doesn’t have to be insecure or a prude to not want to see her boyfriends insta filled with other women?? Half of y’all wouldn’t even be okay with your girl’s Instagram being filled with half naked men either, while still calling the girls who do care “insecure” for caring about such things. Every relationship is different, in some this is perfectly okay, and some it’s off limits. In some relationships, girls will send their bfs pictures of hot women lmao. But it’s up for you AND your partner to decide those things. Not just for you to act like it’s fine and she should just be cool with it. Those things are to be discussed if they come up, and your partner’s feelings SHOULD matter. No matter how important looking at Instagram models is for you. Jfc.

ETA: there is absolutely nothing wrong with consuming adult content online/looking at sexy ladies on the internet/whatever. But relationships have boundaries, and there’s a time and place for everything. If for your partner, that time and place is NOT in front of them, that should be respected! And if they don’t like seeing it on Instagram every time you open the app, that’s a conversation to be had with them. :)

intentionally looking at half naked women isn't the same as seeing a woman in public with cleavage. who you also shouldn't be staring at, whether you're single or not.

admire the garden? what planet are you people from?

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I think we found the girlfriend

That's still fairly pedantic though.

me and my lady look at butts together, but only briefly, because staring is rude.

looking and staring are two different things. a glance is fine. staring is not.

"Forgetting boundaries" is not something you wanna be using in a sentence, man. I have a shitty memory too. Doesn't mean I conveniently "forget" anything my husband is specifically and validly uncomfortable about.

I think you have a funny way of defining "respecting boundaries" if you're incapable of remembering them.

Jesus dude life’s too short, just find someone less uptight. This woman sounds awful

>Boundaries are behaviors that involve her

No you're right, you never said that.

Since you swear it's different, please explain how looking at scantily clad women in a sexual manner doesn't involve her, but cheating does.

I didn't say that either. Both are rules for a significant other's behavior while in a relationship, neither are boundary issues.

Ive experienced plenty of relationships over the years. The relationships where looking at the opposite sex was a problem never wound up being worth the hassle in the end. These types of insecurities only get worse as time goes on. Whether or not you choose to listen to these words doesnt matter to me, you will learn in time.

Touching something isn’t the same as eating something

Do you have ADHD or some other something that explains the bad memory?

It is not an unrealistic boundary. It is definitely doable to not thirst online, nothing more difficult than just scrolling past.

OP is a jerk for crossing it.

That said, it is not a boundary I would keep. Not because it isn't doable, any decent person can do it without coming up with shitty loopholes or diet analogies; I don't keep this boundary with my partner because it would make us both less happy.

My partner and I both just comment on it when we see hot people, but we can only do things like that because we respect the other's boundaries in the first place.

Good on you for learning from it. I personally do not buy the "just forgot" excuse, because even if it is true it is just not good enough. Being better going forward is all you should do.

No that is definitely a boundary. Looking at women online is definitely a behavior.

You can say you wouldn't agree to this boundary, I wouldn't either, but you can't claim it isn't one.

Right, so it was a boundary then... because the result of breaking it was it hurt her and made her uncomfortable.

It's just semantics, the difference between a rule and a boundary.

In a relationship I think of crossing someone's person boundaries as how you act towards/with them ("I don't like public affection", "I won't accept you telling me what to wear", etc.)

A rule to me, in a relationship, is behavioral limits one partner puts on another outside of how they are directly treated by their partner. Monogamy is a common rule. No porn, no Netflix cheating, no talking shit about their partner to friends, whatever.

But if you are using a working definition of boundaries that includes rules that's fine. It's not a big deal, and I probably shouldn't have bothered bringing it up.

Which part didn't you say? The bit I quoted from you, or the bit where you suggested that looking at scantily clad women on the internet doesn't count as cheating because the woman isn't involved:

>But you looking at arousing media isn't a "boundary" of hers. Boundaries are behaviors that involve her and make her uncomfortable.

Because you definitely said both.

Personal boundaries are things like you mentioned, but there are also relationship boundaries. You seem to call those rules, I guess some could be called either, but rule to me implies something is wrong. No cheating is a rule. But a boundary moreso to me feels like "I do not feel comfortable going beyond this" For example, if my partner sleeps with someone else without checking in with me, that break a boundary, and it is cheating. If they talk to me first and I am ok with it, it does not cross a boundary. It is no longer cheating. No cheating is a rule, no problem so far. But cheating is relative to our boundaries.

I'm going to stop this conversation here, you won the argument. I don't know what the argument was, but you seem intent on winning it. Good job.

What is the point of having different words if they don't actually have separate meanings?

It gets like that sometimes. But you contradicted yourself multiple times, so it needed to be pointed out. Have a good day.

Lol no, a boundary in this instance would be “if you look at naked women on instagram I won’t continue this relationship”. You can’t set boundaries for other people to follow, only for yourself. I don’t know the specifics of this relationship and conversation, I was just trying to explain the difference between boundaries and rules as I understand them.

Jesus Christ dude! One of her “boundaries” is you looking at half naked women? Are you telling me you guys aren’t even comfortable enough with each other for you to watch actual porn and masturbate without it being considered crossing a “boundary” let alone just looking at half naked women? This seems like a relationship I wouldn’t want to be in, if you can’t even just be a regular human being and have impulses.

I meant that in that example, calling it a rule vs a boundary doesn't seemingly make a difference in the outcome. A rule of: 'Cheat and I will leave you', vs a boundary of 'I won't stay in this relationship if you sleep with other people', is effectively exactly the same.

do you get yelled at for looking at porn?

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fine, so which category does a person who seeks out boobs to look at on the internet resembles to? someone who meets another nudist person and actively seeking out to stare at them or someone who just happen to meet them and look at them but not at the genitals in particular? again I am not calling the OP a perv on the nudist beach. but he is not done looking at genitals. he immature and wants to play. that is fine, but not in a relationship she wants. btw i think she cannot demand that he becomes mature. it happens when it happens.

So, if they were full naked it would have been OK?

What's with the fixation on genitals?

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I have horrible ADHD too bro, boundaries and work instructions or homework are WILDY different. I think you have a lot more maturing to do.

she was an e-thot

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Those can be mutually exclusive though. You could have every good intention in the world to respect one’s boundaries, but if you forget those boundaries through no fault of your own, how can one continue to respect them?

You can’t blame someone for forgetting. You can’t expect someone to journal every night and affirmations every morning in order to remember. It’s not their fault.

Sorry but I have a bad memory as well and I empathize. I sometimes forget crazily important shit that you’d think one wouldn’t ever forget, but I do and it ends up embarrassing me, so I feel for OP.

Dude, to tell someone what they can and can’t look at it when they’re all alone is beyond controlling. Are you even allowed to jerk off? This woman is at the very least the jealous type, tread carefully

Same. It's clearly lusting after other women. I get that there is sexual and suggestive content all over the place, but seeking it out seems pretty gross when you have a relationship.

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hello fellow adhder

the point is your girl is well above-average in the "irrational jealousy" and "control freak" categories if she's policing your internet use like you're her 12 year old son

dude's not even allowed to look at fully-clothed insta models, you think his insane gf would allow porn? lol

A deadly mix of that and smoking lots of weed in my youth

i bet it's mostly the adhd not the weed. i was a nonsmoker until i was 35, my memory was dogshit before i started smoking and it's equally dogshit now that i'm a half-ounce-a-week stoner. only difference is im happier now

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> Half of y’all wouldn’t even be okay with your girl’s Instagram being filled with half naked men either

I'd be one of the other half. It doesn't matter to me who my wife finds attractive or chooses to look at. Attraction is a natural part of being human.

IMHO, a desire to control your partner's behavior is an act of insecurity -- also a natural part of being human. Everyone has their limits in some way, shape, or form. The key is to have a mutual understanding and respect for what those limits are.

So you’re not allowed to jerk off?!