First ever post to Reddit and I've gone anonymous because I'm ashamed.

This happened three days ago, at a work party.

I (31 Male) was drunk, but alcohol isn't an excuse.

I had attended a work party, which by midnight, I, and the majority of the group I was with, where very drunk and walking or stumbling back to a pickup point to our arranged rides home. A gentleman (A) from a different department and team from me, approached and asked me to call my direct colleague (B), as he was sharing a ride home. I dialled the number and just gave him my phone.

B called back and I answered, drunk and started trying to figure out why he'd called, when B said "I don't want you, I want... Oh I can't remember his name" to which I said "Oh, the Gay Guy"

Someone in our group said "The gay guy?" A laughed and said "Yes, I'm gay" and I gave him my phone again to speak to B.

I woke up the next day and felt awful. Firstly I reduced his identity down to his sexuality, secondly I may have even outed him. I can't imagine how he must feel, but I feel awful.

I don't know the dude, he seemed like a good guy, I'm gutted that I've probably upset him.

I've spent the last 3 hours writing an email to HR trying to not sound self deprecating but genuinely apologetic and accepting of the consequences. I couldn't sleep last night, and actually cried relaying the story to my sister.

What am I going to do?

TL;DR I was drunk and made an assumption that a colleague was gay and possibly outed him and used that as my only identification of him.

I'm sorry dude. I'm not that person and I'm gonna try and make it right.

Edit Spelling

Update: Thanks for all of the kind words folks! I called him today and explained myself and apologised. He laughed, which is definitely what I hoped for! He'd said he hadn't take offense and that he'd not even given it a second thought.

Huge wave of relief, but still a lesson learnt and not something that'll happen again!

Comments

ag9910 t1_iy5cy3v wrote on November 28, 2022 at 9:35 PM

#744,128

I totally understand why you feel so bad and you sound sincere, but based on what you’ve shared he doesn’t sound upset to me. He easily could’ve just said he isn’t gay if he wasn’t comfortable sharing that. Either way, have you gone to him directly to apologize? He’d be able to identify your sincerity more than an email to HR. You may be beating yourself up over nothing. If not, use it as a learning experience

OriginalName483 t1_iy5dtts wrote on November 28, 2022 at 9:41 PM

#744,291

Replying to ag9910 (#744,128)

He also asked for OPs phone to make the call and didn't seem like he was trying to hide it at all. I'm pretty sure A is fine with being recognized as gay.

Though calling him "the gay guy" isn't ideal, it was descriptive in that context for someone you barely know anything about and he doesn't sound bothered.

anonloserdude OP t1_iy5e0f9 wrote on November 28, 2022 at 9:42 PM

#744,331

Replying to ag9910 (#744,128)

I haven't yet but I most certainly am going to. I more wanted to email HR to get his work contact info, but wasn't sure if he'd even want to speak to me or have an email from me. I'm worried that he perhaps went along with it all, to not cause a scene or something.

It's stuck in my head and this sounds weird but I wanted to give him some kind of ownership of choice back as he could choose to respond to me if emailed him or through HR, does that even make sense?

anonloserdude OP t1_iy5enb0 wrote on November 28, 2022 at 9:46 PM

#744,467

Replying to OriginalName483 (#744,291)

I hope he's ok. I would rather he gets a message or call from me and him laughing at me, then him being upset.

coupl4nd t1_iy5erqh wrote on November 28, 2022 at 9:47 PM

#744,500

Don't write to HR go and speak to him and say you're sorry. If you're genuine about it he probably won't be super offended. And if he is you have said sorry and there isn't a lot else you can do apart from learn from it.

elcabeza79 t1_iy5gfxj wrote on November 28, 2022 at 9:58 PM

#744,821

Reach out to the dude you wronged, not HR.

M1200AK t1_iy5gzmr wrote on November 28, 2022 at 10:02 PM

#744,921

lol, I wouldn’t worry about it at all.

Sezblue148 t1_iy5kc2u wrote on November 28, 2022 at 10:25 PM

#745,569

Why are you writing a letter to HR? Go to the guy and speak to him, if he is offended it can probably all be resolved with a genuine apologie. If he's not offended then at least you know and you can chill out.

anonloserdude OP t1_iy5o6mp wrote on November 28, 2022 at 10:53 PM

#746,352

Replying to Sezblue148 (#745,569)

I was more contacting HR to get his work contact info, but didn't know how to explain the situation or what I could say. It kind of became an apology to him directly rather then a request for his info. But I will just figure out his info and contact him individually.

Sezblue148 t1_iy5pjn1 wrote on November 28, 2022 at 11:03 PM

#746,638

Replying to anonloserdude (#746,352)

I would. Best not to involve HR unless you really need too.

Fancy_Split_2396 t1_iy5zzxz wrote on November 29, 2022 at 12:20 AM

#748,565

DO NOT GO TO HR FIRST!!!

farrenkm t1_iy63bzh wrote on November 29, 2022 at 12:46 AM

#749,194

I agree with the others here. Talk to your colleague.

You say alcohol isn't an excuse, but you wouldn't have said it if you weren't drunk. And you weren't the only one drunk there.

The fact you knew he was gay makes me wonder if it wasn't a secret, that at least some of your colleagues already knew. How did you find out?

And he laughed it off. Is he the kind of guy to laugh things off like this? If so, he's probably okay with it. Some people are just easygoing and wouldn't give this another thought.

Talk to your colleague. If you self-report to HR, almost guaranteed they're going to start an investigation that will likely end up in some form of disciplinary action.

Phighters t1_iy68rv1 wrote on November 29, 2022 at 1:28 AM

#750,232

Don't email HR, email him, or better yet, call him. He seemed to take it in stride, but even so the gesture will go a long way.

If you knew he was gay but didn't know his name (suggesting you two didn't have some intimate relationship where he would disclose that to you), then you probably didn't out him.

Lee2026 t1_iy6ce7g wrote on November 29, 2022 at 1:56 AM

#751,079

I wouldn’t reach out to HR, I’d reach out to him. Explain what you’ve explained here and go from there. There’s no way to tell how he will react but the important thing is that you try and work this out with him directly. HR doesn’t need to get involved unless he wants them too

aussie_nub t1_iy6ftvl wrote on November 29, 2022 at 2:22 AM

#751,781

Replying to anonloserdude (#744,467)

Ask him? Do it privately (and in person) and just be sincere. There's a reasonable chance that he'll be like "it's not a secret."

Groundbreaking-Box20 t1_iy6sezx wrote on November 29, 2022 at 4:04 AM

#754,277

Holy shit going to HR is such an insanely bad idea

Specialist_Gas4186 t1_iy70x0s wrote on November 29, 2022 at 5:25 AM

#755,944

Replying to anonloserdude (#744,331)

It makes perfect sense. And it’s very noble of you. That you are trying to make this right speaks volumes about your character. I hope that your colleague is okay and can forgive you for what you clearly regret. Please let us know how it goes.

Dabigquack t1_iy7rkci wrote on November 29, 2022 at 11:21 AM

#760,142

Ya. Delete the app

anonloserdude OP t1_iy93av7 wrote on November 29, 2022 at 5:50 PM

#771,512

Thanks for all of the kind words folks! I called him today and explained myself and apologised. He laughed, which is definitely what I hoped for! He'd said he hadn't take offense and that he'd not even given it a second thought.

Huge wave of relief, but still a lesson learnt and not something that'll happen again!