He is just your fwb, there is no reason he should text you every day.

If that's something you want, maybe you like him as more than an FWB?

Or if you don't, it's JUST as important to set expectations in a FWB situation as it is in a relationship. Maybe if you guys talk about it you can find a compromise. But generally, texting every day/constantly is not standard in a FWB situation.

It's because they don't really have a valid reason, they are just being cheap.

> Other than this my friends are pretty good people

I have a hard time believing this if they use the tiniest reasons to not tip very hard-working service staff. I mean, this alone makes them by definition bad people, full stop.

Advice? Tell them you will no longer go out with them. That's what I'd do, I would not be able to be associated with that, it's so insanely disrespectful of someone that relies on you, especially larger parties, to pay their damn rent. And you're a damn saint for covering the difference, you should stop though, this isn't your responsibility.

Almost all problems servers have are not their fault, they are usually just the "messenger":

• they aren't responsible for bad food
• they aren't responsible for food that is late
• they aren't responsible for bad management

I find it's quite rare that i can attribute a problem in a restaurant to a server

He is projecting, or he is being manipulative, either way he is a big tall red flag if this is practically always a problem, not only that, he has cheated on you and he has LITERALLY threatened to kill you.

You are in a dangerous situation, he is already verbally abusive, it's not a stretch to think it could turn physical, my advice is to leave him, in a hurry. Can you go stay with your parents?

You don't necessarily need to stay detached, it's more so "managing expectations".

But if this is true:

> Not when sex is involved. I literally cannot seperate my emotions from it

You've learned something valuable! Again, you'll likely eventually be thankful for this relationship, heartbreak sucks, but we eventually grow from it, don't get bitter from it. You are a living, feeling human being and that's okay!

So, next relationship, take your time to really date someone, to get to know them, so you know you two are on the same page. To start, you need to hear that they are at least open to a serious relationship. Or else, why even have a first date?

So, before I dated the girl I described above, I dated a girl that was similar in the sense that she didn't know what she wanted, she was honest about it like your girl.

I allowed myself, probably much like you, to become invested in the relationship at a level I shouldn't have. I too was very distraught when the relationship ended due to us wanting different things (casual vs relationship).

What I learned there, and what you'll come to learn in the future, is to really listen when someone says what they want, if you match their level of commitment you'll be far less hurt, but it can still hurt, a romantic connection ending is never without feeling, but it will hurt far less if you stay realistic about what your relationship is and is not.

So keep that in mind. I think with time you'll come to appreciate this relationship you had with this girl, I was eventually able to with the girl I described here. We really did have a great time while it lasted and I learned very valuable lessons for future relationships.

She never lied to you. When you start dating someone this is the way things can go, sometimes things just don't work out. And if she was still in a party mindset and you weren't, that wasn't going to work out either.

You had fun with her right? Remember the good times, if they really were good times, you will eventually learn to appreciate them as a fond memory. Take the experience for future reference, you now have a better idea of what you do and don't want than you did before meeting her.

I dated a girl like her for a couple of months and we had a ton of fun together (much more in a party stage of life than I was), it didn't last, neither of us really seemed to expect it to, but I don't think either of us regrets the time we spent together.

Sure, your ex has no opinion here.

But you and A do, so again, do you want to be in the situation where you're dating someone that your ex is close to?

And in all of the above, I mean this in the kindest way possible, but you said a lot, without saying much at all, we don't know if A has reservations about it too. Unless you thought he was referring to himself.

It's extremely rare for it to be okay to out someone. Even though this guy is being shitty, the potential danger you're causing him is not something he deserves. A lot of what happened probably stems from his fear of coming out, due to what has likely been a very homophobic upbringing. Don't out him.

It's best to just move on.

Your boyfriend cheated on you, right? Just put all of these people behind you by breaking up with him.

If A is really good friends with your ex, do you really want to be in that position?

Has A mentioned it being awkward that he is friends with your ex?

The easiest thing to do is to ask A out, from there everything else falls into place, whether he says yes or no. You'll know for sure if A likes you and H will know you don't like them (romantically).

I see, you've learned two things:

• You aren't ready for relationships, you manipulated your boyfriend into agreeing to cheat on you. That's a huge betrayal of trust, no matter the result, this foundation is not a good path forward for the two of you.
• Your boyfriend is willing to cheat on you, you'll never unknow that, so it's probably time to break up with him.

Did you have a reason, besides your past, to catfish your own boyfriend?

It's been 2 days, and 36-year-old women do get busy with stuff.

Or something is really going on, but I imagine you'll find that out soon enough if it is.

Talk yourself off the ledge that is "I demand to invade your privacy" (look at her messages), your relationship will go nowhere good after that.

Maybe just see how the next few days go, if this new trend continues, ask her again why the change and see if you can push for a better explanation.

Also, her texting behavior aside, have you noticed any other problems in your relationship?

Just to play devils advocate:

Is it possible she is actually busy and you are reading too much into her "active" status? Whenever I am busy, I might still have the FB tab open in my browser and I might still look "active" even if I'm not.

If you are already texting each other every day throughout the day, plus calling every night, it might be a bit much, so you two may need to compromise. His communications preferences should matter as much as yours. So discuss this one more time and see where both of your preferences are and what you can settle on from there.

> But that seems like “playing games”

It is.

Are you expecting him to call you every day, or just once or twice a week during the day? Because I could see every day being a bit much for him.

> I do have a lot of trauma that I haven’t worked through.

I'd start doing some work here before considering relationships again.

> But, do we really deserve to be with good, caring, nice partners

You ONE MILLION percent do deserve this, this is not supposed to be some magical thing, what you describe above is like a notch above the bare minimum. Nobody is doing you a "favor" when they do these things, they should be normal in a relationship. If you give these 3 things in your relationship, you should expect them back. Like you said:

> I try to help people as much as I can, and be available for people. I definitely put others before me.

So again, I recommend you do that work. If you are in a better place mentally speaking, you will meet better people.

> he will get it taken care of it without hurting our finances anymore

It is already very seriously impacting your finances, that ship has sailed.

You have a child to think about here, first and foremost. I very highly recommend you post your full financial picture (yours and his) on r/personalfinance and get their expert opinion. It will help you make a decision whether you see yourself clawing your way out of this with him, or if you want to move forward on your own.

> Sometime last year he received a 10k credit card that we agreed to keep away and maybe use it for a down payment on a house.

You would also benefit from increasing your financial literacy, you cannot use a credit card to make a down payment on a house. Have a look at the sidebar on r/personalfinance for the basics.

This man is married and therefore unavailable. He needs to sort out whether he wants a divorce, he then needs to follow through on it, then he needs time to heal and reflect. And only then is there a chance that you two could be in a functional relationship.

If you two start anything before that time, it's very likely to fail. Don't get involved with a married man. You can't be the reason he divorces, you can't be his fallback, you can't be his mistress, all of it ends in disaster. He needs to decide on divorce (or not) on his own. He needs work up the courage to tell his wife, he needs to get a lawyer, he needs to work on custody, he is facing a lot of awkwardness and it's NOT up to you to support him through that. He may not even do it. Don't be his "we can be together someday, I promise" person.

Check yourself into substance abuse treatment.

If both of you, or even one of you is doing drugs you cannot be in a functional relationship. So get clean.

If you can't afford treatment, meetings are free (NA or AA will work). There's just one basic rule, DO NOT show up (heavily) under the influence of any substance. Other than that they can help you figure it out from there.

If she wants to be with you she needs to stop hanging on this guy's every word. She needs to make that relationship purely professional. At the moment she is emotionally cheating on you, perhaps mildly so, but still, she is.

Mortgages aren't something you necessarily need to pay off, especially if they are low-interest. It makes much more sense to invest in retirement and otherwise. But if she isn't doing that, that could be a problem.

Given that they are still part of your life it's probably best that they know. Because given your continued proximity to each other they'll otherwise inevitably hear it from someone else.

You don't owe them this, but it's probably the smoothest way to handle this.