Submitted by Goatmanthealien t3_z6lojl in Jokes
...and the wife noticed that people were staring at her.
She leaned across to her husband and whispered, “I’ve just let go a silent fart. What do you think I should do?”
He said, “I think you should get fresh batteries for your hearing aid.”
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Edit: Wow, This is the most upvoted post and thanks for the award!
As a teen in the early 1990s I lived across the road from an elderly couple, easily in their 80s if not their 90s.
One time my mum asked me to go over and help them with something in their yard, I can not remember what now, and while the lady was telling me what she needed done, she let out easily the loudest and longest fart I had ever heard.
She did not bat an eyelid, just kept on talking.
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Reminds me of this one (paraphrased from memory)...
A lady went to the doctor. She told him that she has some issues with her gut... that is to say, she farts a lot. ‟It does not smell, but I am constantly farting. It’s very embarrassing.” The lady made her point several times throughout this conversation by alternately farting and turning red with embarrassment. The doctor sagely nodded his head and wrote a prescription.
Fast forward only 3 days later and the woman is back in his office. ‟Doctor it’s worse than ever! I am passing gas just as much as before, but now it smells bad!” The doctor said ‟Good, good, now that we got your sinuses cleared up, lets work on your flatulence.”
I thought the punch line was: "Next, let's work on your hearing."
I think that's a privilege you earn when you reach that age. I remember my grandma walking down the hallway and farting numerous times as she did without a care in the world
Reminds me when I was listening to music with noise-canceling headphones, on the subway. Happily farting away, thinking no one could hear anything. Until someone looked at me and giggled.
I was also a teen in the early nineties. One time I was at a craft store with my mom and I heard these loud noises from the next aisle over, sounded kinda like someone was scootching a big shelf so, being curious, I went to look: there was just an old man standing there releasing a symphony of ham blasts the likes of which I've never heard before or since. I damn near collapse in laughter, go back to my aisle and tell my mom what was happening: she was not amused.
H A M B L A S T S
Did you read the jokelpedia as well?!?
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LOL 😝 good one
Not bad!
Lmao the good ol walking farts. Every step is a percussion event
I often do stupid things and then ask my husband to rescue me from the embarrassment I’ve brought onto myself.
My grandpa lost control of his bladder as his age progressed. For the first few years he was ashamed every time he peed himself in public, but after 10 years with that, he didnt even bat an eye when he started urinating in the middle of dinner. Finished the story he was telling, got up, went to the toilet and changed his diapers. Would have helped me alot if he had also closed the toilet door...
Edit: typos.
Yo a pastor once farted in his hot, humid van while we went over his discipleship booklet and I regret to say I pretended I could not smell it just to not offend him because he got so uncomfortable and there was an awkward silence for three whole smelly minutes.
He who farts in church sits in his own pew.
You are correct.
Or his own poo
Flight attendants refer to it as crop dusting
>she was not amused.
Maybe because it's really a poverty thing?
Old people get prescribed Hearing Aids, but can't afford to use them because of ridiculous price-gouging on the batteries.
Can confirm this happened to me multiple times also as a child in the 90s.
Not sure if that's just what happens when you get older or if it was just that that generation didn't talk about farts.
Either way i am VERY much looking forward to whatever age i need to be to rip farts mid sentence without having to explain myself.
Go to Costco. 10 bucks for a pack of 48 size 312.
O s$!T ! That was funny!!!
I think older folks tend to have significant piles which can accentuate the air flow as gas passes through the not-so-tight-anymore sheriff's badge , bit like blowing over a blade of grass held between your thumbs to make a trumpet sound?
That’s because there is a very similar joke, where a woman goes to the doctor and says “Doctor, I constantly have to fart. Thankfully they’re silent and odorless, but it’s really bugging me.”
Why get new batteries at all? The TV volume goes up to 100!
^This person absolutely does NOT reddit.
Oh yeah? Pull my finger then.
I was walking behind an Ukrainian customer as he almost shat himself. When we stopped so he could show me what he wanted to buy, I smelt it. It stank like a sewer and the guy was piss drunk as well. Not even gonna mention how he downed like 12 shots worth of rum before paying right in front of us. Even got a video of that lol. Sometimes you get some really fucked up customers down here.
Hearing this is so sad, as I can get free batteries delivered to me whenever I need them. I'm in my 20's, but I couldn't live without them - at least not easily - so I hate to think of anyone having to go without.
Well this was an unexpected turn in the comments.
I’ve learned a valuable phrase to avoid this embarrassment: 1) “Did you hear that barking spider?!”
I’ve found it breaks the tension with humor, regardless of the offender.
What!?! She told me it was a 'squeaky board' in the hallway???
Many have proprietary batteries that you are better off ordering a whole new pair of hearing aids and hope your insurance will agree to pay for a new pair. In USA at least many insurance companies have limits on medical supplies per year like orthopedic shoes, optical glasses/contacts, hearing aids, walking assistance devices, etc.
Had a grandmother that joked that she was gas powered and that the exhaust meant her engine was still running.
As I get older, I’m wondering if this is the case: Old people don’t lose the ability to control their farts. They just don’t GAF what people think anymore.
And this is why Gramps will get bluetooth headphones for christmas
I remember in the mid 90's sitting down at some outdoor tables for lunch with a friend at a favorite burger joint. As we got our meals, my friend sat across for me at our table and we proceeded to chow down on some very tasty burgers and fries. While doing this, an older man holding a newspaper sits at a table behind my friend but in plain site for me. He proceeds to lift his right leg and pass a fart that I only best could describe as a GAU-8/A 30mm Avenger gatling cannon warming up for a pass on some T-90 tanks <burrrrrrrrrttttt>. First, my friend's face, without a spoken word was in total shock of what just occurred, second, his face grew to anger as he turned to this man and was opening his mouth to express his disdain while eating. The older man promptly excused himself, and turned back to his newspaper. I had a hard time trying to keep a straight face but knew respect was due. Right after he was notified that his 'to go' order was ready, the Avenger cannon was too, cleared hot (as I'm sure it was) rolled in 'to finish off the T-90's' and our appetites. Needless to say, strawberry shake flowed through my nose that day as did the laughter that followed. There was no apology on the Avenger's 'second pass', true story!
Not any more. Use Amazon
No, they lose control
It’s just me then.
I'm older, 65, and for me personally, I don't care much what others think. I've done my time repressing my thoughts and my farts. Time is short and I have aches and pains I can't control. Not going to put up with gas pain I can release.
Did somebody fart on a duck?!
There are three stages in life concerning farts. The first stage is when you try to hold it back because of embarrassment. The second stage is when you don't care and you let one go and crop dust the entire aisle at the grocery store and everybody behind you knows that you and you can wave at them and say yeah that was me. The third stage is when you don't know you did it and so you really don't care.
Hearing has nothing to do with feeling. Just cuz you can’t hear it, doesn’t mean you can’t feel the pressure release and vibrations.
Sounds like someone bought the wrong hearing aids
Heh? Dude, I'm talking about scalping old people with hearing aid batteries. They're so important for me to live comfortably, get around in public easily, and my hearing is luckily stable at my level of loss - I find it despicable that people have to go without because they're too expensive.
Expected turn. Someone always takes the fun out of every damn thing.
#What did you say? Huh! I can’t hear you! This thing must be outta battery again!
Sadly my grandpas/-moms, from both mom’s and dad’s side, have already passed… last one, the one grandma I grew up with and loved, passed late last year, I recall September…? And grandpa, whose last car I inherited as well, passed when I was starting my 2nd year in vocational college, in summer of 2014. Mom’s mom passed before I was born, same year in fact, and dad’s dad I never met, but had a few words (he literally asked to get my dad to phone).. that’s all.
TLDR: keep your loved ones close for as long as you can! I almost let go of granny near the end… too early.
You learned first hand why older folks are often referred to as OLD FARTS!
My old neighbor who passed away a year or two ago would scoop up his dogs poop. He would bend over for it often time letting out a fart. We were talking outside one time and while he was scooping his dogs poop and he lets a very long and rumble fart. He quickly straightens up and says “we’ll shit, I can’t blame this one on the dog” he walked back inside his home with a growing wet spot on his rear.
My father in law gets free batteries from his hearing aidcompany. They mail them directly to him whenever he needs them.
Northwest Barking Spiders. Or, “I must’ve stepped on a duck.”
No. It’s funny because he farted.
I think her lack of amusement was more of a "my mother has never cared for toilet humor and especially didn't care for her teen son laughing uncontrollably in a public space" thing. My recall of an event that happened about thirty years ago may be imperfect but I'm fairly certain the old man in question was fully aware of what he was doing, he just didn't give a shit about the noise he was making. I'm not certain how old you are but I'm finding that as I age, I'm similarly having less shits to give about certain etiquette protocols. That said, yeah: poverty is a serious issue and we should collectively do a better job of supporting each other.
I would've responded (while in church), "Did you hear that angel speak?"
At some point you just stop giving a fuck and release that pressure when it needs to be released
>she was not amused.
4 year old me in the grocery store with my mama. I'm sitting in the little seat in the buggy. She walks us over to an aisle alone to let one rip in secret. It was silent, to her great relief. Until I smelt it and piped up as loud as any 4 year old can : EWWWW MAMA YOU FAAARRRRRTEDDDDD!!! She also was not amused. She grabbed me out of the cart, took her purse and walked straight out the door.
Right now. Assert dominance, make no exceptions.
I do too . 73
If you pass gas on a wooden pew, it will echo. Don't ask how I know....
because if she held it in it could lead to acid reflux pain and wind up going to the hospital i've experienced it before
That’s very important for the elderly.
Such imagery
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Three things I hope to continue doing in my golden years are seeing, hearing and eating. Guess what Medicare doesn’t cover: glasses, hearing aids or dental! You pay for extra coverage for the three things most seniors need. I guess they think we can’t see or hear that we’re getting screwed :/
ha yep…there’s nothing like the smell of 80 yr-old meat farts…esp after Thanksgiving!
Some things you just shouldn’t analyze too deeply…like jokes.
I was at an school assembly in the bleachers and someone farted so loudly we felt the bleachers rumble. A large part of the section started muffled laughter in the middle of the presentation and the speaker stopped what they were saying to ask if everything was okay.
He that farts in church sits in their own pew..
As you get older you fart more. Remember that. This is your fate
Somebody stuffing a duck?
That's how Jeffrey Dahmer heard from his Good friend's when he farted🥺
Story time.
My cousin was a kid in the late 80s/early 90s. She went to church with our grandma one time, and during one of the silent "Let's think about Jesus" moments, the old man sitting next to them farted.
My cousin leaned over to grandma and whispered, "Grandma, that man just farted."
One thing to note about my grandma is that she has always hated the word "fart". She thinks it's a very impolite word. She prefers "fluff". So grandma leans in to whisper back to my cousin, "No, he fluffed."
My cousin, never one to be corrected, especially where farts are concerned, insisted, "Grandma, no, he farted."
Grandma once again tries to softly correct her, "No sweetie, he fluffed."
My cousin then jumped up in the middle of the silent church and yelled "Grandma, that man just big ol' farted!"
My grandma says she almost died of embarrassment right at that moment lol.
Done and done!
Tthbhtbtbhttttt
Most mothers are not amused by toilet humor, or their offspring laughing uncontrollably in public about either toilet humor or old people. Just sayin'. Source- am mother of boys.
I constantly rip farts whenever I need to. A lot of crop dusting going on
We refer to that as quacking in our house. And yes, I am able to track my mom's movements as she goes about the house based on the way the sound carries and changes, lol. No smell, just noise. Once I hit my 30s, I started doing it too, and Hubby found it hilarious. Said it's like living with a pair of ducks.
I’ve already started…. I’m in my mid 40’s and every time I use a urinal I follow the flow with a fart. Being a human is ridiculous sometimes.
" symphony of ham blasts" has been added to my personal lexicon.
Walking behind Grandma, anywhere, wasn't the place me & my cousin would ever be🤢! First step was a: "QWAAACK!" Followed shortly by stinky little: "qwack qwack qwacks". Lesson learned!
You know what their butt smells like? Depends...
79 years of fermentation.
Some are so old they fart dust
I wished I could share this with my cousin, but she's a preacher and may not enjoy it.
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When I was 14 I went on a holiday with my grandparents. One night he farted so loud it sounded like gunshots and the people in the neighbouring villa called the police, and he had to explain and was really embarrassed, and my grandmother dissolved into laughter and couldn’t speak but just pointed at him. The cops did a cursory search so they could say they checked things out, but since he accidentally let loose another belter while they were there, they weren’t too worried. They were nice young chaps who tried their best to do the serious thing and not smile, but I imagine they fell apart once they got back to their car…
Underated comment
Yeah, they stink.
In my late-mid 20's and my farts are getting stinkier and stinkier.
Mid-20's and already doing it.
Old enoigh to piss fart, young enough to trust them.
Power to the people!
That wordage rocks!
After downing 2cans of sardines & crackers I lit my fart (or blue flame carrot) and caught shag carpeting on fire I love floating air biscuits.
In many States the State is are required to Offer a Listing of Low to No Cost Medicare/Medicaid Part C and/or Part D Provider listings. Which in some States they must provide at least $500 to $1000 Coverage for Each of Vision, Hearing, and Dental.
MtPollux t1_iy228tc wrote
The sequence of events feels off. She should fart "silently", then notice that people are looking at her. And why would you ever tell someone that you farted and then ask what you should do? That just doesn't make sense.