Comments

You must log in or register to comment.

Make_the_music_stop t1_ixuel0n wrote

I went to the zoo yesterday and saw a baguette in a cage. The zoo keeper told me it was bread in captivity.

1,207

RibaldPancake OP t1_ixulkhy wrote

I was disappointed during another trip to that same zoo. I went to the apiary and there were no apes, just a bunch of bees.

297

Dexter_Thiuf t1_ixvwgab wrote

Don't go to the herpetology building. Ain't a hooker one in there.

69

not_another_drummer t1_ixw6tff wrote

I went to a zoo one time and every enclosure was empty except one cage with a dog in it.

It was a shih tzu.

53

creative_disco t1_ixwc4g5 wrote

Actually visualizing this experience is borderline traumatic, for the dog and the viewer

6

mararch t1_ixwgtwa wrote

Our zoo is in such a bad part of town the cages are to keep the animals safe from the neighborhood.

16

WhittyO t1_ixxjaek wrote

The Cincinnati Zoo is legit in a horrible Neighborhood, When Harambe was killed we assumed it was gang activity.

3

RibaldPancake OP t1_ixyrg6w wrote

And, for some reason, I always take the wrong road to get up there from I75 so I get to drive around that neighborhood trying to figure how to get out alive.

1

dermerger t1_ixvw1k2 wrote

I first met my wife when she was working at the zoo. As soon as I saw her I knew that she was a keeper

168

Clonest t1_ixwtzfu wrote

Sometimes I forget why I have reddit, then I find comments like this thus keeping it alive 😌😏

29

jopheza t1_ixuvhkf wrote

I went to a zoo the other day. The only animal they had was a dog in a cage. It was a Shih Tzu

124

Grievous_Nix t1_ixus35k wrote

A student, struggling to find a job, tries to apply to a zoo as a security guard or a cleaner. The director says: “Those positions are already staffed, but if you really need money - one of our most popular animals is the monkey, but it died yesterday, so if you’re in, we’ll provide you a monkey suit and you’ll pretend to be a monkey, no one will notice the difference! We’ll pay you more than a guard or a cleaner!”

The student, of course, agrees. The next day they give him the monkey suit and he replaces the monkey. All is going well - he’s jumping around, eating bananas, making gestures to the visitors, until suddenly, during a trick jump done wrong, he falls into an adjacent lion enclosure.

He sees a lion coming towards him and says “shit, is this really how I die?”

The lion approaches him and says “Oh ‘sup bro, what’s your major?”

631

It_Was_A_Toomah t1_ixvd9cc wrote

I heard this joke a bit differently. When the guy in the monkey suit falls into the lion enclosure, he starts screaming for help. The lion then says "Shut up! You'll blow our cover!"

194

gackt2 t1_ixvvdwh wrote

In version I heard, he's security and freak out because one of the lion just suddenly dead, so he skinned that lion, wear the skin and act like one, but when a lion come close to him, he started to get freak out , the lion come close and speak to him in very low voice "calm down, it's me, accountant. Do you have tobacco ? The gorilla said he want to smoke so badly". Sorry if I bother you

31

Ancient_Axe t1_ixvh7al wrote

That works too but the main comment sounds more meme-ish tbh

27

Joe_Canada99 t1_ixvdeqg wrote

Lion and a Canada Goose where I’m from.

And they get another lion.

456

mantsz t1_ixvmm0a wrote

If you got a problem with Canada gooses you got a problem with me! I suggest you let that one marinate.

124

tioLechuga t1_ixvpqr2 wrote

good bot?

22

mantsz t1_ixvs4ws wrote

No, just a fan of Canada gooses (and Letterkenny).

42

Liocrocodile t1_ixvyt6l wrote

Same. I always loved them.

13

mantsz t1_ixw76z1 wrote

There's a special place in heaven for animal lovers. That's what I always say.

18

uglypaperhaver t1_ixy7jw8 wrote

So does Capt. "Sully" Sullenberger...

...He knows nobody'd have even heard of him, if not for them!

3

SirNilsA t1_ixvvdzv wrote

Letterkenny?

7

mantsz t1_ixw6eho wrote

The best show to come out of Canada since SCTV.

6

Sapphire580 t1_ixwq3y3 wrote

Laughs in SG:1

5

DekwaDoes t1_ixy4qtr wrote

SG1 is American...
Sure most scenes were recorded up there, but the production is American... Sorry...

2

Sapphire580 t1_ixypdzs wrote

His comment doesn’t say Canadian show, it says to come out of Canada. Technically SG1 came out of Canada.

2

JustBrittany t1_ixyt0zi wrote

I LOVE SCTV! I watched it a lot! Now I want to see if I can find it somewhere. Even if on YouTube.

1

salsa_g03 t1_ixxxoxi wrote

As a fellow goose admirer I sympathize. Life changes once you have held a goose in your arms. When you hold a goose you must then uphold their image.

5

jimmysnaps t1_ixw3yky wrote

For real tho. My childhood was spent learning to respect the demon birds. My daughter always wants to feed them at the park. She has not endured the terror I had to. I just hope this shakey alliance we have forged lasts for her lifetime.

22

Tough_Mountain_9659 t1_ixwax21 wrote

These do not respect alliances they will break the alliance at the first chance they get because they're assholes

11

Sludgenet t1_ixxse0u wrote

We call them land carp! Just like the invassive grass carp that clog our major rivers near by, they come in at times in the dozens. Leave behind crap covered roads and side walks not fit to walk on.

3

easytiger29121 t1_ixzcb4d wrote

A goose stole my flapjack when I was very small. Not sure I’ve ever forgiven them

3

Sludgenet t1_ixwamma wrote

I worked at the municipal shit plant around dozens of geese. Had one of my too fat and short coworkers almost got killed by one. He was so out of shape when one chased him that he had a panic attack and went into heart failure!

15

ADarkDraconis t1_ixwjdc3 wrote

My brother is a grown man, young and fit, a very in-shape cyclist. On his ride to work along the bike path one day a goose launches itself at him, knocks him off his bike and starts biting him and beating him with its wings. Dude was seriously beaten up by a goose, he is now terrified of them thinking they could peck his eyes out or something. I now worry about him riding too close to the canal for fear they'd knock him in and drown him.

17

Chymick6 t1_ixygp55 wrote

Canada stores all it's hate in geese

5

Hafrunt t1_ixy0t8t wrote

The joke would have to change to "we get a new lion" though in this case.

1

stillnotking t1_ixugt5c wrote

True story: I once went to the zoo with my little seven-year-old cousin and her family. She was a very quiet, introverted kid, and my uncle said she watched a lot of nature shows, so she had kind of a blasé attitude toward most of the animals. Then we came to the okapi, and she was fascinated. She stared and stared at that thing. Finally I asked her what she thought was so interesting about it. She looked at me and said, in tones of extreme gravity, "It's half zebra and half itself."

151

Spocks-Nephew t1_ixuqpa6 wrote

That poor lion has spent a lot of sheepless nights.

125

NooganFreisen t1_ixxbr9w wrote

Okay, that was a good one. You can take some pride in it.

3

Henri_Dupont t1_ixup57s wrote

Chimpanzees are crazy strong and make terrible pets. You should never take one home. At least, that's what they said on my last day as zookeeper.

44

Adventurous-Pool6988 t1_ixw6ilh wrote

i saw a shaved ape on the internet not too long ago and i'll tell you that 10 schwarzeneggers would be needed to overcome it...maybe!

5

Waitsfornoone t1_ixutss9 wrote

A zoo joke I had never heard before:

A man built a zoo..
He made the entrance fee $60 but no one enters his zoo.. He reduced it to $40 but still no one came.He made $10 for the entrance but no one still enters..

What the man did, because no one was coming in even though the entrance fee was very low, he just made it FREE.

As a result, many people entered the zoo and it was filled with people. More than 4000 people came in.

He then quietly locked the zoo gate, freed the crocodiles, lions and tigers and then made an exit fee of $100.Everyone paid immediately just to get out!

30

allw t1_ixw7ki1 wrote

Sounds a bit like zoo tycoon.

Don’t ask me how, it just does.

7

Electronic_Active_27 t1_ixv3odd wrote

Why I got out of veterinary work.

Did my first internship at the Buffalo zoo, for two weeks straight all we did was circumcise elephants. The pay was horrible, but the tips were HUGE!

19

Black-Thirteen t1_ixvokcm wrote

I saw a cheetah that lived in a cage with a golden retriever friend at a NJ zoo. Forgot all the details, but something like they couldn't find an appropriate playmate of the same species, but the dog worked out just fine.

19

thinkitthrough83 t1_ixvspl8 wrote

Its not unusually to pair cheetah cubs with labs. Has something to do with personalities and energy

24

rileyk927 t1_ixxjowz wrote

Cheetahs are naturally incredibly anxious and high strung, in captive and wild environments. In facilities that utilize these types of social bonding, such as the Columbus Zoo in Ohio, they raise the cheetahs as cubs and goldens as pups together so they grow together. Cheetahs form close-knit social groups in the wild and benefit from these relationships in captivity. The mellow personalities of the dogs chill out the cheetahs and they form very strong bonds. Some facilities have the dogs live with the cats 100% of the time, others have the dogs present when the zoos are open and active. It’s a very interesting way to mix domestic and wild, and to see how animals can help animals.

3

greedydita t1_ixuicqg wrote

Let me guess, when he said "Rarely" he used air-quotes.

17

teksun42 t1_ixuwlli wrote

Of course it's rare. Lions can't cook.

25

RibaldPancake OP t1_ixulg3t wrote

At the time I thought he was just stretching his fingers, but in hindsight…

18

TooShiftyForYou t1_ixv0yi4 wrote

I found a zoo online and loaded up the whole family to take a day trip there.

When we arrived it was quite disappointing to learn the only animal in the whole place was a dog.

It was a Shih Tzu.

17

whoopashigitt t1_ixvjnk1 wrote

I also found a zoo online once. I knew my family would love to see it, so I got everyone together, and made sure they could all see the screen from where they were sitting.

11

Koplader t1_ixungx1 wrote

What happens if they do?

Nothing, the Lion sleeps outside the cave!

10

RibaldPancake OP t1_ixunnwh wrote

Or on the couch…

7

Gil-Gandel t1_ixwb9rs wrote

Or in the jungle, the mighty jungle.

(Have an earworm)

4

RibaldPancake OP t1_ixwi8hf wrote

I would hunt you down in my dreams for this, but luckily for you with “aweem away” stuck in my brain there will be no sleep for RibaldPancake tonight…

6

ecodrew t1_ixw488p wrote

I once went to a zoo that had only one animal, a small dog...

It was a Shih Tzu

10

profprimer t1_ixuz78p wrote

The Lion and the Lamb exhibit is Moscow State Zoo’s biggest attraction apparently…

9

ThriceFive t1_ixup4r9 wrote

It's a game we call "Feeding with friends"

8

Dexter_Thiuf t1_ixvw8bj wrote

With the opening line of this joke, I thought for sure Jesus was going to make an appearance. Didn't happen. Now I know what it's like to be Christian.

7

caucasoidape t1_ixw9vk3 wrote

I can imagine some hillbilly zoo doing this.

5

Ok_Flight7497 t1_ixxzy1s wrote

About 30 years ago, my family & I spent Easter Sunday in the park having a picnic next to the lake. For some reason a white goose came up to me and immediately befriended me. It followed me wherever I walked and enjoyed me hugging it. Some kids were enthralled and wanted to pet it. Immediately it began chasing them & spreading its wings. I’ll always be thankful this creature left me with a forever memory.

5

OutrageousRhubarb853 t1_ixusau0 wrote

I went to zoo once, the entire zoo was just this one dog. It was a shitzu

4

Alfie_92 t1_ixvxsgt wrote

This so stupid. I love it.

4

Reble77 t1_ixvipbu wrote

Waiting for the bible referencing

3

Terrible_Special_877 t1_ixvjevp wrote

Now kilts are worn around sheep they were Starting to get zipper shock....

3

PooperJackson t1_ixw17rv wrote

That's the same strategy deshaun Watson used to go through 30 massage therapists in a couple years.

3

makeit77 t1_ixwygzm wrote

every 12hrs?

3

lazernanes t1_ixxofjz wrote

My grandfather was a brave man. He had the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the Cincinnati zoo.

3

jopheza t1_ixuvidz wrote

I went to a zoo the other day. The only animal they had was a dog in a cage. It was a Shih Tzu

2

plug_zion t1_ixygc4u wrote

Is this an allegory for high school relationships?

2

BosnianBurrito t1_ixxacef wrote

The sheep was sleeping in the food trough

1

elvis85z t1_ixvkqn7 wrote

A man and his wife are walking past the sliver back gorillas cage in zoo. When the gorilla beats his chest. The man tells his wife "he likes you" She rolls her eyes He insists "Blow him a kiss" The wife to shut up her husband blowes a kiss the gorilla beats his chest. The wife shocked carries on doing sex poses at the gorilla, who goes ape beating his chest and shaking the bars and going ooohh. Suddenly the wife feels herself pushed forward from behind, also to her horror. She finds herself falling into the gorillas cage from the open door. Landing on the cage floor she sees her husband slamming the cage door shut. The couple makes eye contact. "Now my dear help him you have a headache"

−1

chiefoffrogs t1_ixvp41t wrote

What?

7

allw t1_ixw7f3v wrote

I think it’s meant to read more like:

“Now my dear try telling him you have a headache.”

3

OpinionsALAH t1_ixw82zq wrote

I think he effed up the punchline. It should have been " now tell him you have a headache.

3

Awesum51Merc t1_ixy3x8b wrote

Jungle Love! It's making Me Mad! It's Making Me Crazy!

2

thetorontotickler t1_ixvt6mq wrote

Wouldn't this joke make more sense if it was "get another lion?" How is a lion mauling a sheep a joke?

−2

RibaldPancake OP t1_ixvtoag wrote

The joke is that they're (supposedly) living together peacefully.

2

thetorontotickler t1_ixvygfl wrote

So the joke is that the title is incorrect?

−1

RibaldPancake OP t1_ixw0saa wrote

I prefer to think of it as “deliberately misleading”. The latest theories of why we laugh at jokes says “that humor results when a person simultaneously recognizes both that a norm has been breached and that the breach is benign”. Thus, a deception of some sort is required for a joke to be funny.

4

thetorontotickler t1_ixwenvu wrote

Doubtful that the sheep community considers this joke benign.

−1

RibaldPancake OP t1_ixwf2hf wrote

I asked a spokessheep about this and it just smiled sheepishly at me.

5

Hawke-Not-Ewe t1_ixwkkgh wrote

I was afraid ewe would try to ram something like that home

4

RibaldPancake OP t1_ixwkyap wrote

Yes, the shear audacity of such a comment!

3

12510410125 t1_ixz25dz wrote

I consider this jok benign and I like sheeo. I don't think actual sheep have an opinion though :)

1