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Make_the_music_stop t1_ixuel0n wrote

I went to the zoo yesterday and saw a baguette in a cage. The zoo keeper told me it was bread in captivity.

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stillnotking t1_ixugt5c wrote

True story: I once went to the zoo with my little seven-year-old cousin and her family. She was a very quiet, introverted kid, and my uncle said she watched a lot of nature shows, so she had kind of a blasé attitude toward most of the animals. Then we came to the okapi, and she was fascinated. She stared and stared at that thing. Finally I asked her what she thought was so interesting about it. She looked at me and said, in tones of extreme gravity, "It's half zebra and half itself."

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greedydita t1_ixuicqg wrote

Let me guess, when he said "Rarely" he used air-quotes.

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Koplader t1_ixungx1 wrote

What happens if they do?

Nothing, the Lion sleeps outside the cave!

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ThriceFive t1_ixup4r9 wrote

It's a game we call "Feeding with friends"

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Henri_Dupont t1_ixup57s wrote

Chimpanzees are crazy strong and make terrible pets. You should never take one home. At least, that's what they said on my last day as zookeeper.

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Spocks-Nephew t1_ixuqpa6 wrote

That poor lion has spent a lot of sheepless nights.

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Grievous_Nix t1_ixus35k wrote

A student, struggling to find a job, tries to apply to a zoo as a security guard or a cleaner. The director says: “Those positions are already staffed, but if you really need money - one of our most popular animals is the monkey, but it died yesterday, so if you’re in, we’ll provide you a monkey suit and you’ll pretend to be a monkey, no one will notice the difference! We’ll pay you more than a guard or a cleaner!”

The student, of course, agrees. The next day they give him the monkey suit and he replaces the monkey. All is going well - he’s jumping around, eating bananas, making gestures to the visitors, until suddenly, during a trick jump done wrong, he falls into an adjacent lion enclosure.

He sees a lion coming towards him and says “shit, is this really how I die?”

The lion approaches him and says “Oh ‘sup bro, what’s your major?”

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OutrageousRhubarb853 t1_ixusau0 wrote

I went to zoo once, the entire zoo was just this one dog. It was a shitzu

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Waitsfornoone t1_ixutss9 wrote

A zoo joke I had never heard before:

A man built a zoo..
He made the entrance fee $60 but no one enters his zoo.. He reduced it to $40 but still no one came.He made $10 for the entrance but no one still enters..

What the man did, because no one was coming in even though the entrance fee was very low, he just made it FREE.

As a result, many people entered the zoo and it was filled with people. More than 4000 people came in.

He then quietly locked the zoo gate, freed the crocodiles, lions and tigers and then made an exit fee of $100.Everyone paid immediately just to get out!

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jopheza t1_ixuvidz wrote

I went to a zoo the other day. The only animal they had was a dog in a cage. It was a Shih Tzu

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profprimer t1_ixuz78p wrote

The Lion and the Lamb exhibit is Moscow State Zoo’s biggest attraction apparently…

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TooShiftyForYou t1_ixv0yi4 wrote

I found a zoo online and loaded up the whole family to take a day trip there.

When we arrived it was quite disappointing to learn the only animal in the whole place was a dog.

It was a Shih Tzu.

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Electronic_Active_27 t1_ixv3odd wrote

Why I got out of veterinary work.

Did my first internship at the Buffalo zoo, for two weeks straight all we did was circumcise elephants. The pay was horrible, but the tips were HUGE!

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Joe_Canada99 t1_ixvdeqg wrote

Lion and a Canada Goose where I’m from.

And they get another lion.

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Reble77 t1_ixvipbu wrote

Waiting for the bible referencing

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Terrible_Special_877 t1_ixvjevp wrote

Now kilts are worn around sheep they were Starting to get zipper shock....

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elvis85z t1_ixvkqn7 wrote

A man and his wife are walking past the sliver back gorillas cage in zoo. When the gorilla beats his chest. The man tells his wife "he likes you" She rolls her eyes He insists "Blow him a kiss" The wife to shut up her husband blowes a kiss the gorilla beats his chest. The wife shocked carries on doing sex poses at the gorilla, who goes ape beating his chest and shaking the bars and going ooohh. Suddenly the wife feels herself pushed forward from behind, also to her horror. She finds herself falling into the gorillas cage from the open door. Landing on the cage floor she sees her husband slamming the cage door shut. The couple makes eye contact. "Now my dear help him you have a headache"

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Black-Thirteen t1_ixvokcm wrote

I saw a cheetah that lived in a cage with a golden retriever friend at a NJ zoo. Forgot all the details, but something like they couldn't find an appropriate playmate of the same species, but the dog worked out just fine.

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thetorontotickler t1_ixvt6mq wrote

Wouldn't this joke make more sense if it was "get another lion?" How is a lion mauling a sheep a joke?

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gackt2 t1_ixvvdwh wrote

Replying to It_Was_A_Toomah (#689,311)

In version I heard, he's security and freak out because one of the lion just suddenly dead, so he skinned that lion, wear the skin and act like one, but when a lion come close to him, he started to get freak out , the lion come close and speak to him in very low voice "calm down, it's me, accountant. Do you have tobacco ? The gorilla said he want to smoke so badly". Sorry if I bother you

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Dexter_Thiuf t1_ixvw8bj wrote

With the opening line of this joke, I thought for sure Jesus was going to make an appearance. Didn't happen. Now I know what it's like to be Christian.

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Alfie_92 t1_ixvxsgt wrote

This so stupid. I love it.

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nah-knee t1_ixvxtth wrote

I just realized the plural of sheep is sheep

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RibaldPancake OP t1_ixw0saa wrote

Replying to thetorontotickler (#692,049)

I prefer to think of it as “deliberately misleading”. The latest theories of why we laugh at jokes says “that humor results when a person simultaneously recognizes both that a norm has been breached and that the breach is benign”. Thus, a deception of some sort is required for a joke to be funny.

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PooperJackson t1_ixw17rv wrote

That's the same strategy deshaun Watson used to go through 30 massage therapists in a couple years.

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jimmysnaps t1_ixw3yky wrote

Replying to Joe_Canada99 (#689,333)

For real tho. My childhood was spent learning to respect the demon birds. My daughter always wants to feed them at the park. She has not endured the terror I had to. I just hope this shakey alliance we have forged lasts for her lifetime.

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ecodrew t1_ixw488p wrote

I once went to a zoo that had only one animal, a small dog...

It was a Shih Tzu

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caucasoidape t1_ixw9vk3 wrote

I can imagine some hillbilly zoo doing this.

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Sludgenet t1_ixwamma wrote

Replying to Joe_Canada99 (#689,333)

I worked at the municipal shit plant around dozens of geese. Had one of my too fat and short coworkers almost got killed by one. He was so out of shape when one chased him that he had a panic attack and went into heart failure!

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ADarkDraconis t1_ixwjdc3 wrote

Replying to Sludgenet (#693,776)

My brother is a grown man, young and fit, a very in-shape cyclist. On his ride to work along the bike path one day a goose launches itself at him, knocks him off his bike and starts biting him and beating him with its wings. Dude was seriously beaten up by a goose, he is now terrified of them thinking they could peck his eyes out or something. I now worry about him riding too close to the canal for fear they'd knock him in and drown him.

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rileyk927 t1_ixxjowz wrote

Replying to Black-Thirteen (#690,886)

Cheetahs are naturally incredibly anxious and high strung, in captive and wild environments. In facilities that utilize these types of social bonding, such as the Columbus Zoo in Ohio, they raise the cheetahs as cubs and goldens as pups together so they grow together. Cheetahs form close-knit social groups in the wild and benefit from these relationships in captivity. The mellow personalities of the dogs chill out the cheetahs and they form very strong bonds. Some facilities have the dogs live with the cats 100% of the time, others have the dogs present when the zoos are open and active. It’s a very interesting way to mix domestic and wild, and to see how animals can help animals.

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lazernanes t1_ixxofjz wrote

My grandfather was a brave man. He had the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the Cincinnati zoo.

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Sludgenet t1_ixxse0u wrote

Replying to jimmysnaps (#692,752)

We call them land carp! Just like the invassive grass carp that clog our major rivers near by, they come in at times in the dozens. Leave behind crap covered roads and side walks not fit to walk on.

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salsa_g03 t1_ixxxoxi wrote

Replying to mantsz (#690,614)

As a fellow goose admirer I sympathize. Life changes once you have held a goose in your arms. When you hold a goose you must then uphold their image.

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Ok_Flight7497 t1_ixxzy1s wrote

About 30 years ago, my family & I spent Easter Sunday in the park having a picnic next to the lake. For some reason a white goose came up to me and immediately befriended me. It followed me wherever I walked and enjoyed me hugging it. Some kids were enthralled and wanted to pet it. Immediately it began chasing them & spreading its wings. I’ll always be thankful this creature left me with a forever memory.

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chee_burger t1_ixyecth wrote

What happens if they stop feeding the lion?

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plug_zion t1_ixygc4u wrote

Is this an allegory for high school relationships?

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