Comments

You must log in or register to comment.

Mediumofmediocrity t1_j2v0eqw wrote

A friend mine beta tested this at their corporate r&d headquarters. It said he had tennis elbow and he had very low to no sperm count. He was brutally honest with the techs when he told them while it’s true he had a vasectomy years earlier he absolutely didn’t play tennis and their device sucked. They gave him a sample vial and asked him to bring another urine sample the next day. That night he told me he was going make a joke out of something so obviously erroneous so not only did he pee in the cup, but he had his wife and teenage daughter pee in it, he poured in a little used motor oil from his car, and then he jerked off in it. He took the sample back to them the next day. They poured it into the device and the display blinked a couple times then reported that his wife was pregnant, his daughter was doing drugs, his car needed a tune up, and if he didn’t quit masturbating his tennis elbow would never heal.

550

1337haxoryt t1_j2vatht wrote

You fuck

I almost believed this

100

Refugee_Savior t1_j2zbbet wrote

I knew from the moment he said he doesn’t play tennis that there was gonna be a joke. Wonderfully foreshadowed.

2

cloud9ineteen t1_j2vwp6n wrote

This was my first thought. I was like, I can finally use this joke realistically.

13

Tmig89 t1_j2vgig8 wrote

As someone with a kidney stone problem, knowin ahead of time would be fantastic. Then I’d be able to plan my agony instead of it surprising me.

497

MaleficentPi t1_j2vhl4p wrote

You're not Catholic by chance, are you?

191

Tmig89 t1_j2vhqtm wrote

I am not but don’t they have like a Saint of kidney stones or some shit? That’s pretty wild but in the moment I can see it. You’d do anything to be done with that shit.

71

MaleficentPi t1_j2vi22x wrote

Man there's a saint of computer hardware failure and a patron saint of sex workers, I am SURE there is a patron saint of kidney stones.

Granted I have a feeling the name is Saint OH SHITBALLS JESUS FUCK IN HEAVEN or similar.

53

EsUnTiro t1_j2vyds6 wrote

I have heard they are also the Saint of Testicular Torsion

21

DAWTSF t1_j2wn7hb wrote

I'm going to see the Saints of Testicular Torsion this weekend. Should be a good show.

15

lifetake t1_j2w44o6 wrote

There’s a saint of kidneys in general. And seeks to protect kidney sufferers which would include kidney stones

11

mb10240 t1_j2wr423 wrote

Saint Marina of Antioch in Pisidia (255-270AD) is recognized as the patron saint of kidneys.

26

DuncanIdahoPotatos t1_j2wi5vg wrote

My Catholic in-laws all have stones. What the fuck is in those crackers?

16

Atty_for_hire t1_j2xbanp wrote

Emotions, feelings, and guilt that are swallowed eventually come out as kidney stones.

14

GeorgeAF t1_j2zg6s9 wrote

Them crackers got kidney stones in them.

1

ericandlilian t1_j2wieza wrote

I'm one month out from passing my first kidney stone. Father has had several, but I drink way more water than him so thought that would help. The advice I was given about how to reduce the likelihood was all over the place. There are many ways this particular stone was formed. If this device analyses potential levels of stone forming stuffs, I'd buy one!

17

stickkim t1_j2wk1ob wrote

My partner’s father swears it’s milk that causes his.

4

olqerergorp_etereum t1_j2wncao wrote

hahahah it might be as well the reasons behind kidney stones aren't fully understood still, some people may develop them without any history of previous disease's or family members affected by it.

if skipping milk reduce his symptoms (or at least works as a placebo), all the power to him!

8

ericandlilian t1_j2wni5a wrote

The one I had (which is most common) has two parts, calcium and oxalate. So definitely milk could be one side of the coin, but you can't cut out calcium altogether because your bones need it. The list for each side of the coin goes on for a bit (not too much nor too little of this or that in your diet over possibly a decade).

If I have a second kidney stone, then the doctor said they'd have me pee in a bucket over 24 hours to see if they could get a little more exact on the cause. But what if I had been going through a 2 pound bag of spinach from a big box store (oxalate) or had been binging some ice cream (calcium)? Wouldn't that throw off such isolated data?

Anyways, this device could be an interesting "peeing in a bucket" type data collection over time which could help isolate which side of the coin my kidneys are having issues with.

4

gehrl-work-acct t1_j2yk95s wrote

Just finished my kidney stone surgery (had a stone stuck in ureter) and doctor ordered the 24 urine collection. You just eat your normal, daily foods for 24 hours.

3

BoyzIIWolves t1_j30imh9 wrote

Completely anecdotal but the 1 person I know who’s had kidney stones in his late 20s is a friend who drinks milk regularly, every day. Loves the stuff.

1

kerberos824 t1_j2x5bsd wrote

As someone who suffered for years, look into a product called stone breaker, which is made from an herb called chanca piedra. There are many products, I had better luck with the liquid, not capsules. My favorite in terms of effectiveness vs. cost is Herb Pharm Stone Breaker.

It's night and day. It rounds the edges of stones and helps pass them. It's incredible. I past probably 20 to 30 in 10 years before finding this product, and it was life changing.

3

ken9876 t1_j2v2249 wrote

This already existed. His name is Doctor Toilet and was featured in an episode of Scrubs

277

Lukaroast t1_j2v55ad wrote

“Poured forth”

Was this headline written by a 15th century monk?

152

johnsolomon t1_j2v9toj wrote

I mean... it's better than what's prprrbbrrttted out of your ass?

37

harjeddy t1_j2vcy0s wrote

I know not of what is poured forth, excepting that which is wrought from mine flesh dagger.

26

TdrdenCO11 t1_j2wis72 wrote

lol i caught that too. somebody taking the piss

3

EsUnTiro t1_j2vy5iw wrote

When the people who bullshit their way through high school and college get real jobs

2

BreadOfLoafer t1_j2wbf05 wrote

It made sense and sounded nice, stop being weird about people speaking perfect english.

1

sudoku7 t1_j2uziuw wrote

Is this just a modern Smart Pipe? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DJklHwoYgBQ

99

xdcountry t1_j2veohp wrote

Now this was the comment I was hoping to see…Very nice!!!

“Smart Pipe (TM) is a registered sex offender.”

48

olqerergorp_etereum t1_j2wnh7w wrote

>“Smart Pipe (TM) is a registered sex offender.”

cool, I'm a registered sex defender myself.

6

Silly-Ass_Goose t1_j2vg4jy wrote

Yeah sure, so I can have more of my data collected, then sold or disclosed by a "leak" that was totally an oopsie daisy.

74

SpecialpOps t1_j2vt3gu wrote

Or get denied insurance coverage from a pre-existing condition you didn’t even know you had.

69

Skavis t1_j2wkv89 wrote

I mean yes and no, but you're on the right track. Assuming the toilet told you, you'd know. So that counts as knowing.

The thing I think of is that big corporations can be notified of what's in the water and then can get ahead of a massive lawsuit. Forever chemicals etc... The stuff the dr.toilet won't show the consumers but will sell to big companies for a shit ton (pun intended)

6

fledglingnomad t1_j2vxbjc wrote

Some states would probably use this to find pregnant women to track and make sure they don't get an abortion.

32

betrdaz t1_j2xi0p5 wrote

Employer installs in every toilet and fires people when drugs come up in analysis

4

mlhender t1_j2wjhia wrote

For now. Eventually this will be in every city maintained sewer and they’ll be able to figure all this out about us without our consent anyways.

3

MaleficentPi t1_j2vgctr wrote

Guarantee I'm gonna pour 36 cans of Bud Light in there, first thing

42

EnkiRise t1_j2vhapn wrote

It would probably think it’s just regular piss.

41

amgodfrey t1_j2uzkhr wrote

Did we not learn anything from all the theranos nonsense?

Also abnormal labs without symptoms don’t tell a healthcare team anything. This would have limited use tbh

34

hjwood1986 t1_j2v9i40 wrote

They tell you that you should go to the doctor and ask their opinion.

That’s worlds better than some people get.

43

Gemmabeta t1_j2v8lcj wrote

This machine is basically a bunch of miniaturized urine test strips and a detector to read them.

Hospital labs have been using this sort of machines for decades.

And abnormal test results (blood, nitrites, sugar/ketones) is very important and can be an early indicator of oncoming issues. E.g. people go quite far into diabetes before they actually notice the symptoms.

33

Chikasha t1_j2vhd9y wrote

Exactly! This would be cool for me because I already have type 1 diabetes and kidney issues/stones/infections. I get labs done every 3 months, I know what levels I am looking for, and if I can pay 500 dollars once (and it worked well enough), I'd be very happy.

15

Me_Krally t1_j2vowes wrote

I'd buy it too, but don't understand why my data has to be stored in France? Just show me the bloody results and I'll write it down ;)

4

barbarianbarber t1_j2w5yd4 wrote

These kinds of machines can also be pretty useful at hospitals and doctors offices. just pee and boom lab results already inn. if something looks iffy well time to pee in a tube.

3

MaleficentPi t1_j2vh6j1 wrote

Um... "Don't give lots of money to blonde women from wealthy families who have a daddy/middle child inferiority complex and a seemingly impossible business model with technology they insist is purely proprietary even though it kinda looks like an elaborate 1/4 of a square schematic that's an anagram of iZOPN?"

9

MaleficentPi t1_j2vhar8 wrote

Incidentally my new indie rock startup is officially going to be called iZoPan now.

2

MrBohannan t1_j2xt2qf wrote

Urology provider here. I 100% agree, save your money, its not changing anything but the dollars in your wallet!

3

laveshnk t1_j2v5r3s wrote

Yeah this reminded me of that too lmao

0

TunkFunklin t1_j2vniwo wrote

Will The App will let you unlock your phone with a butthole scan?

29

Skavis t1_j2wkyg9 wrote

Not after last night it won't.

15

Gnarlodious t1_j2wzpp3 wrote

It will do double duty as a colovesical fistula detector.

0

slightlyassholic t1_j2vdfjc wrote

I don't need my toilet judging my life's choices, thank you very much.

24

MaleficentPi t1_j2vgx21 wrote

You just don't KNOW it's judging your life choices.

But it does, Carl.

It. Does.

9

Radulno t1_j310m4p wrote

It already does that. Now Withings will judge them too

1

JustSomeone783 t1_j2uw7j1 wrote

Imagine coming at the doctor's office in 15 years and they are like, "What did we agree on with the beers?",🤣

19

randomwanderingsd t1_j2vq334 wrote

I expressly do not want a device measuring my outputs and reporting it to insurance companies. 23andMe is bad enough. 23andPee is beyond the pale.

16

orbital_one t1_j2vo5kp wrote

So now tech companies want my piss data?

9

Flykat t1_j2ypljp wrote

They get you coming and going now..

2

IMakeStuffUppp t1_j2yv4p1 wrote

They’ve always wanted your piss data. They’re getting so close

1

mouringcat t1_j2vi2pv wrote

"Please, not to throw away. I give you happy poopy time."

6

satori-t t1_j2vrwfq wrote

It will tell me I spent too long sitting on it browsing Reddit

4

GeorgeRRZimmerman t1_j2vm332 wrote

I can't wait for my toilet to tell me it's tired of Smirnoff and suggest I splurge on some Johnnie Walker.

3

ScarilyPlausible_92 t1_j2w1twn wrote

If I knew in advance about my kidney stone problem, I could plan for it instead of being surprised by it.

3

PrincipalFiggins t1_j2vwlgw wrote

Probably selling the data to insurance companies to raise our rates

2

Alimbiquated t1_j2w0auw wrote

No doubt financed by advertising. As soon as you start to pee, ads for all kinds of quack remedies start popping up on your TV screen, to the amusement of the rest of your family.

2

Dr_Noyd t1_j2w6fag wrote

Nice try Michael Reeves

2

pattyG80 t1_j2w7vqk wrote

Hmmm..."I'll take high tech service job nobody wants for 600 Alex"

2

wiggum55555 t1_j2wbant wrote

Was Elizabeth Holmes involved at any stage 🤷‍♂️😀

2

KWillets t1_j2wj66y wrote

I used it, and it ordered $52 of groceries.

2

errrtuhd t1_j2wkti8 wrote

Tony the toilet buddy already exists.

“Ohhhh yeah, that’s the wayyyy.” “Gosh, you’re sooo bigggg”

2

RezDubSet t1_j2wthsh wrote

And u get charged more from your insurance when it finds anything wrong

2

iamemperor86 t1_j2x47b3 wrote

“Lasts 3 months before a charge is needed”

So now we have to charge our toilets too? The future is now, old man

2

Nytonial t1_j2x5l87 wrote

Mines going to reveal a hell of a mdma/ket concentration 😹

2

rootComplex t1_j2x9cdh wrote

Wasn't this an episode of Adult Swim Infomercials?

2

david_chi t1_j36q89s wrote

When they make one that can analyze when i drop a deuce let me know b/c some mornings its down right scary what goes on in that dept.

2

Zyrobe t1_j3e9cbi wrote

Can't wait to know I have cancer from a device that analyzes my pee

2

raynethackery t1_j2v5c8d wrote

Sounds like this episode of 2057.

1

spidertech1 t1_j3usf7d wrote

THANK YOU! I was going crazy trying to remember where I heard of this concept before and all I could think of was a guy needing a printed heart transplant and it got canceled before the heart was done because the insurance company scanned his pee and canceled his coverage.

I don’t even remember watching something called 2057 but I guess I did lol

1

jinnyjonny t1_j2vl0ud wrote

Mine would tell me to start jacking off in the shower

1

marcblank t1_j2vq1de wrote

The stupid is strong here.

1

sirdodger t1_j2vun2u wrote

So, Theranos but they want your dick pics, too.

1

NitroFluxX t1_j2vx1j8 wrote

Piss off with this shit

1

Arcadius274 t1_j2vxicy wrote

I'm going to be using "poured fourth" a lot now thank you

1

GarbageGobble t1_j2vzv45 wrote

I’ll just use the same test kit I use on my pool. Pee too yellow? Less chlorine!

1

John5247 t1_j2wd3ck wrote

Old tech. Japanese toilet calls ambulance already.

1

garbage_j00ce t1_j2witu1 wrote

And then I sue my doctor for not telling me to quit drinking cleaning chemicals

1

weluckyfew t1_j2wqtqu wrote

They need one that will analyze your poo. I think a significant portion of adults looks in the toilet after every BM and thanks "does that look normal?"

1

DooglarRampant t1_j2wx8ql wrote

Don't most people (men at least) see the colour of their wee and know if they have a problem? Eg. If it's yellow, drink more water. It's already obvious!

1

Itsallkosher1 t1_j2x31bf wrote

FINALLY! I for one have been waiting my entire life for this and praying every day that it comes into existence. Happy 2023!

1

freman t1_j2x6z0s wrote

All the Aussie dunnies sitting there telling us to drink less alcohol as it's getting drunk.

1

lasvegas1979 t1_j2x9d8y wrote

ToiletMD: "Your employer has selected you for a random drug test."

ToiletMD commercial: "Buy PurePee THC Detox!"

ToiletMD: "Your wife is pregnantand it's not yours."

ToiletMD commercial: "Hire Mega Law firm for your divorce, we will fiiiight for yooooou!"

I see nothing but good things coming from this.

1

oPossumPet t1_j2xa5zg wrote

My dog does this for about $1.00 of dog food per day.

1

Getty_13 t1_j2xdocd wrote

SmartPipe will probably get mad at them for this and will sue. That is if they have time with their sex offender suit.

1

BronchialChunk t1_j2xe3ag wrote

The Island had something like this. I don't want no machine telling me I can't have bacon.

1

casedawgz t1_j2xeusa wrote

Fill me up, Chandler!

1

yesi1758 t1_j2xgmro wrote

As a Kidney transplant patient, I’d use it if it can tell me I’m starting to get a urine infection before the symptoms. UTI’s hurt and transplant patients get them frequently, if there is a way to prevent the excruciating burning pain I’m all for it.

1

Rad_Dad6969 t1_j2xhto1 wrote

This would be nice if you owned the data. If it wasn't a networked device and was capable of making these determinations without sending your PHI back and forth between your toilet, your phone, and their web servers.

Make a device that can analyze my pee without sending that data anywhere, and maybe then we'll talk.

1

i81u812 t1_j2xhto4 wrote

The hardware sits in your toilet, analyzing what's poured forth into it. "

Yes AI headline writer, yes it do.

1

liegesmash t1_j2xouvw wrote

Doesn’t Big Brother have enough data on you?

1

ZeroInspo t1_j2xp2ca wrote

This is great for feeding my ever growing health anxiety. I’ll take three to use in the same bowl because I won’t believe I’m fine without further validation.

I wonder how I’ll make time to check this every second between checking my heart rate on my Apple Watch every second though. It’s gonna be a tough one for sure.

1

newbies13 t1_j2xq2hv wrote

This is such an obvious place to put smart tech. The problem is going to be in the accuracy of the thing and the cost to maintain it. But think about how many tests your doctor can run through pee, this kind of idea will be early detecting cancer in a decade.

1

aizensou t1_j2xqhqz wrote

Theranos is that you?

1

Zendog500 t1_j2xqofq wrote

All I have to say is THERANOS!!

1

Nocturne316 t1_j2xqwcn wrote

My fellow women in ass backward southern states looking at this and just LAUGHING. Absolutely not.

1

Javi1192 t1_j2xvpco wrote

Do you charge this? Or have to change the little test strip canisters? Once it’s in the toilet I wouldn’t want to touch that thing

1

Tyrilean t1_j2xxy7j wrote

Main downside is that I’m like 99% sure they’ll sell this data to insurance companies. That’s the problem with any internet connected health device.

1

ajohns7 t1_j2y19b5 wrote

Goes pee

"MARIJUANA ALERT!"

1

beefcurtains64 t1_j2y88dj wrote

CIA, FBI and any unknown entity. Yes, here is my pee analysis.

1

DeltaOmegaX t1_j2yizz0 wrote

What readings does it get when I pour old beef stew down the drain?

1

did_e_rot t1_j2ys9xo wrote

Oh my god SmartPipe is real.

1

thesaent t1_j2z3ige wrote

DOCTOR TOILET

Dr Kelso gonna freak

1

notarooster t1_j2z5kdw wrote

I analyzed your… leavings.

1

Kramit2012 t1_j2zowsr wrote

Reminds me of that scene from Benchwarmers where they’re at Mel’s mansion and Gus (Rob Schneider) goes to use the urinal and it says “a chemical analysis of your pee shows you’d better stop eating all that fast food, or you’re going to die”.

1

FlickieHop t1_j2zplk9 wrote

I had a buddy that dated a dominatrix that was in to water sports. Just buy a camera like her and people will pay you to analyze it themselves.

1

bluntrauma420 t1_j2zrgk8 wrote

Yeah sounds like a cool idea until somebody hacks it and sends your dick picks to everyone in your contact list

1

Art_Vandelay29 t1_j2zw6az wrote

Dr. Toilet from Scrubs is finally reality!

1

cantbuymechristmas t1_j3facxn wrote

this type of technology will become standard at some point. it will tell you to stop buying so many pop tarts or to stay away from products that contain a hazard chemical

1

jaceinthebox t1_j2vzqxi wrote

I give it a week before my toddler destroys it.

0

DDM11 t1_j2xtlmw wrote

Squat and pee into cat 'Pretty Litter' and it turns color to tell you urine status.

0