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letmeseesubreddits t1_j7zkuw2 wrote

Reply to comment by SmittyManJensen_ in TIFU by spending the night at my boyfriend’s by [deleted]

my mom was in a rehab plan, meaning my grandparents had total authority over me for about 6 months prior to this. since she lives with them rent-free and they could call child protective services on her for the smallest things now, i understand she doesn’t have much of a choice. it’s mostly forced submission :(

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SmittyManJensen_ t1_j7zm3sl wrote

They sound like wonderful people. Well when you’re 18 they can report you missing all they want. See how quickly the police lose patience for them.

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letmeseesubreddits t1_j7zmfa7 wrote

i cant wait. i’ve been counting down the days for what seems like forever now.

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imVexx t1_j806l16 wrote

Be careful, my girlfriend's grandparents do this to her still and she's 27. Her dad was in a similar situation as your mom but he passed shortly after I met her and then they went full on crazy on her when he was out of the picture. Threatening to call her job and force her managers to get her off work when she refused to go to family gatherings in other states during work days (which isn't so much of a real threat so much as a threat of embarrassment), invoking power of attorney that she unknowingly signed when she was like 12, opening disability in her name, etc.

Fuck these people, I have no patience for these kinds of people after battling this crap for 4 years as an already overwhelmed young adult.

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seakingsoyuz t1_j809hcw wrote

> that she unknowingly signed when she was 12

Minors can’t execute a power of attorney so this shouldn’t have been enforceable. Only their parent(s)/guardian(s) can execute it, and they generally expire after six months to a year. This sounds like they were trying to use a meaningless document to bluff.

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imVexx t1_j80cik8 wrote

You're absolutely right. Most of it is bluffs and thankfully I've come to realize that as well, but the time and energy spent verifying and fighting them is exhausting. It's amazing how much time and money they've sunk into messing with her life but as retirees who owned their own restaurant they sure have a lot of both.

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TarnishedThrowaway20 t1_j80h0al wrote

27 is not 17. Two 80-year-old people are dealing with a drug addict daughter and are responsible for a 17-year-old who thinks it ok to disappear overnight and get pissy when two 80-year-old grandparents are worried about her. Jesus. Y’all have zero compassion for what these grandparents are dealing with.

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Dirus t1_j80ka1f wrote

What if they have a daughter with an addiction problem because they were shit parents? We don't know anything about their life or OPs life. We can only say from OP's posts is that she feels her grandparents are overbearing towards both their daughter and granddaughter.

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TarnishedThrowaway20 t1_j80m9mb wrote

That is certainly a possibility but that’s not indicated. All we know is that she didn’t come home after work on a dark and rainy night. The grandparents, even if the shittiest grandparents ever, called around looking for her. When they didn’t find her, they called the police. I am still not understanding the problem here. OP even admits that they don’t do this to her often. They do monitor their drug-addicted daughter a lot more. Because she is an addict who is living with them. Should they just not care what their daughter and grand daughter are doing or where they are?

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Dirus t1_j81qsqm wrote

>The grandparents, even if the shittiest grandparents ever, called around looking for her.

Except the mom. The one person they should've called or woken up first before anyone else.

If they had done that then it would be within reason, but they didn't.

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SirGlenn t1_j807p3l wrote

My parents would send us out to play after dinner, with a "be home by 7" type of warning, for every minute we were late, 2 minutes were deducted from our play time for the rest of the summer, if you were late 30 minutes, deduct one hour from play time the rest of the summer) We were not allowed to have a watch. (parents were German, and drunk, you will have no fun! Achtung!)

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Fatigue-Error t1_j809v9o wrote

Were you supposed to just know the time automatically?

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Avidite t1_j80cvvq wrote

I had a similar thing when growing up. Mostly it was "When the streetlights come on, it's time to come home." Typically that would be around 7-8.

If it was a specific time, we (my brothers and I) would periodically ask for the time from one of our neighbors or when one of our friends went inside.

This was a time before everyone had cellphones.

I would guess they had to do similar things.

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TarnishedThrowaway20 t1_j80gomb wrote

You didn’t go spent the night at your friend’s house without letting your parents know.

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the_ringmasta t1_j80izzy wrote

OP said in the post that she did tell her parent and got explicit prior approval.

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TarnishedThrowaway20 t1_j80lnet wrote

Her grandparents have custody of her. Not her mom. Her mom is a recovering addict. Courts don’t strip away custody on a whim.

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RandomHavoc123 t1_j80mutn wrote

No, her mother has legal custody of OP. For God's sake read the post before commenting incorrect information. TIFU by spending the night at my boyfriend’s

>EDIT #2: one more time to say that although my grandparents are filed as legal guardians as my mom is still working through her rehab, MY MOTHER HAS LEGAL CUSTODY OVER ME. what my mom said should have been enough. she is not damaged goods because she is battling herself, im so proud of her for being clean for so long now and i love her. my grandparents have done things like this to everyone in my family and that is why none of my siblings are here anymore.

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TarnishedThrowaway20 t1_j80n8f5 wrote

In the first set of edits, OP says her grandparents are her legal guardians. Later she says her mother has legal custody. I’m not sure what to believe. For God’s sake, read the original post before commenting incorrect information.

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killswitch2 t1_j806003 wrote

You can also report your grandparents missing. I don't recommend this, it's a huge waste of resources, but perhaps a little payback is in order so they learn the embarrassment.

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autistic_strega t1_j806j23 wrote

That's not a good idea, let's not make the only adults on her side angry at her too

Edit: only adults on her side as in the authorities. Fuck the grandparents but doing the same thing as them doesn't help anyone.

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[deleted] OP t1_j806q3r wrote

[removed]

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Alise_Randorph t1_j80byl6 wrote

No, because she's now making false police reports. Not a good idea.

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autistic_strega t1_j808sl0 wrote

I did read the post, I just don't see how doing the same thing her grandparents did solves any problems.

Edit: in my above comment I was referring to the authorities as the adults on her side, not her grandparents. Maybe that's where you got confused.

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Bubba-jones t1_j80dzcf wrote

I observe two types of 80-year old people.

Ones who have seen it all and are very chill.

Ones who no longer pretend to give a fuck what anyone else thinks.

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wordscannotdescribe t1_j80c1iu wrote

If you don’t mind me asking, when did your mom’s drug abuse issues start? Was it around your age?

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letmeseesubreddits t1_j80cx6q wrote

it was around my age, i believe. it’s been on and off her whole life but she’s tried for me as best as she can. we argue sometimes but it’s never been serious and i trust her just as much as she trusts me. she was a young mother from a bad past and got into some unsavory things. she’s trying her best even now and i’m really proud of her but my grandparents feel the need to kinda shove her nose in shit every day, if you get what i mean.

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wordscannotdescribe t1_j837qpg wrote

Got it. Your grandparents probably mean well and have good intentions - they don't want you unknowingly going down a similar path as your mom (which would arguably be worse, since they won't be around as long). That's not to say that your grandparents did right here. They still overreacted. Hopefully, you can explicitly show to them that you're going down a good path. That might honestly be things like introducing your boyfriend to your grandparents over a dinner.

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[deleted] OP t1_j80e8yc wrote

[deleted]

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ThatITguy2015 t1_j80kokh wrote

Which is probably going to force a cycle. They don’t understand how to properly handle things.

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Bubba-jones t1_j80n9n2 wrote

Key difference. OP sees it coming. And they will be dead soon.

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nucleosome t1_j80gfj9 wrote

Exactly. My parents went through a similar scenario with my sister, except that she has 4 kids and they were much younger. They have been dealing with the fallout from her addiction issues for years.

In the end they gave up about 12 years of life, unbelievable amounts of money and time. And still, any day she could relapse and start it all over again.

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Mountainbranch t1_j80b4zp wrote

Go down to the police station, tell them you're not missing, your grandparents just have a stick up their butt, then if your grandparents call the police can tell them to piss off.

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zebrahead110 t1_j80ashq wrote

That is straight up abuse. Post this in r/insaneparents

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oscar_the_couch t1_j80nny7 wrote

Uh. This is 100% on you, and the primary problem here is that you didn't communicate very well at all. You live with your grandparents who are, at least until you turn 18, still primarily responsible for things like making sure you aren't dead or missing because they're your legal guardians. Your mom's permission doesn't mean shit in this instance, except inasmuch as your legal guardians might defer to her, which it sounds like they do when they're actually aware.

You needed to tell them you wouldn't be coming home that night or of course they might think you're missing.

It doesn't sound like this was some weird attempt to harass you or punish you, based on how many friends and people you know they involved. It sounds like they, with pretty good reason, genuinely thought you were missing.

They might be inept and frustratingly bad at parenting a 17 year old, but it also sounds like you have some people who genuinely give a shit whether you live or die looking out for you. That isn't always a given!

Your mom has been in and out of rehab. Obviously if she goes out for extended periods of time they're probably pretty fucking worried she might start using again. Literally six months ago she was out of rehab!

This is a situation where, if you're lucky, you will have a very different perspective on this in like 10 years.

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letmeseesubreddits t1_j80o5y6 wrote

my grandparents are not my legal guardians, they try to exert guardianship over me because they used to be my temporary guardians. i had some terms confused previously but i did research before replying to anyone else about it. my mom is my legal guardian and i updated that in my post since i was even confusing myself with it. i got permission from the person with guardianship over me and it should have been her concern, not theirs.

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oscar_the_couch t1_j80rwcf wrote

the post you've now deleted said that your grandparents were your legal guardians.

either way, it's not entirely relevant. you had some people that you live with who you knew would expect you to come home at X time; you didn't come home at X time, and they (quite reasonably) believed that you were missing.

"did you have permission?" and "are you missing?" are two completely different questions. evidently not a single person told them that you wouldn't be coming home that night, and it was 100% reasonable of them to be pretty dang worried. if your post was "i gave my grandparents a heads up i wouldn't be coming home because i'm staying with my boyfriend, and i had permission from my mother to stay with him, and they called the cops on me / freaked out / etc.," my opinion on the situation would be 180 degrees different.

i also live with someone who loves and cares about me. if i'm going to be out later than she's expecting me home, i tell her so that she does not think i've gone missing. i also tell her where i'm going to be so that if i do go missing, she is able to tell authorities my last known whereabouts.

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letmeseesubreddits t1_j80xlu5 wrote

i deleted the post because it got too big for my tastes. this definitely belonged better in a vent subreddit.

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