[deleted]
Comments
letmeseesubreddits t1_j7zkuw2 wrote
my mom was in a rehab plan, meaning my grandparents had total authority over me for about 6 months prior to this. since she lives with them rent-free and they could call child protective services on her for the smallest things now, i understand she doesn’t have much of a choice. it’s mostly forced submission :(
SmittyManJensen_ t1_j7zm3sl wrote
They sound like wonderful people. Well when you’re 18 they can report you missing all they want. See how quickly the police lose patience for them.
letmeseesubreddits t1_j7zmfa7 wrote
i cant wait. i’ve been counting down the days for what seems like forever now.
imVexx t1_j806l16 wrote
Be careful, my girlfriend's grandparents do this to her still and she's 27. Her dad was in a similar situation as your mom but he passed shortly after I met her and then they went full on crazy on her when he was out of the picture. Threatening to call her job and force her managers to get her off work when she refused to go to family gatherings in other states during work days (which isn't so much of a real threat so much as a threat of embarrassment), invoking power of attorney that she unknowingly signed when she was like 12, opening disability in her name, etc.
Fuck these people, I have no patience for these kinds of people after battling this crap for 4 years as an already overwhelmed young adult.
seakingsoyuz t1_j809hcw wrote
> that she unknowingly signed when she was 12
Minors can’t execute a power of attorney so this shouldn’t have been enforceable. Only their parent(s)/guardian(s) can execute it, and they generally expire after six months to a year. This sounds like they were trying to use a meaningless document to bluff.
imVexx t1_j80cik8 wrote
You're absolutely right. Most of it is bluffs and thankfully I've come to realize that as well, but the time and energy spent verifying and fighting them is exhausting. It's amazing how much time and money they've sunk into messing with her life but as retirees who owned their own restaurant they sure have a lot of both.
ThatITguy2015 t1_j80kai5 wrote
Put them in dementia care and never visit them again.
monkey_trumpets t1_j81rc4o wrote
How can anything a minor signs be upheld legally?
TarnishedThrowaway20 t1_j80h0al wrote
27 is not 17. Two 80-year-old people are dealing with a drug addict daughter and are responsible for a 17-year-old who thinks it ok to disappear overnight and get pissy when two 80-year-old grandparents are worried about her. Jesus. Y’all have zero compassion for what these grandparents are dealing with.
Dirus t1_j80ka1f wrote
What if they have a daughter with an addiction problem because they were shit parents? We don't know anything about their life or OPs life. We can only say from OP's posts is that she feels her grandparents are overbearing towards both their daughter and granddaughter.
TarnishedThrowaway20 t1_j80m9mb wrote
That is certainly a possibility but that’s not indicated. All we know is that she didn’t come home after work on a dark and rainy night. The grandparents, even if the shittiest grandparents ever, called around looking for her. When they didn’t find her, they called the police. I am still not understanding the problem here. OP even admits that they don’t do this to her often. They do monitor their drug-addicted daughter a lot more. Because she is an addict who is living with them. Should they just not care what their daughter and grand daughter are doing or where they are?
Dirus t1_j81qsqm wrote
>The grandparents, even if the shittiest grandparents ever, called around looking for her.
Except the mom. The one person they should've called or woken up first before anyone else.
If they had done that then it would be within reason, but they didn't.
SirGlenn t1_j807p3l wrote
My parents would send us out to play after dinner, with a "be home by 7" type of warning, for every minute we were late, 2 minutes were deducted from our play time for the rest of the summer, if you were late 30 minutes, deduct one hour from play time the rest of the summer) We were not allowed to have a watch. (parents were German, and drunk, you will have no fun! Achtung!)
Fatigue-Error t1_j809v9o wrote
Were you supposed to just know the time automatically?
Avidite t1_j80cvvq wrote
I had a similar thing when growing up. Mostly it was "When the streetlights come on, it's time to come home." Typically that would be around 7-8.
If it was a specific time, we (my brothers and I) would periodically ask for the time from one of our neighbors or when one of our friends went inside.
This was a time before everyone had cellphones.
I would guess they had to do similar things.
TarnishedThrowaway20 t1_j80gomb wrote
You didn’t go spent the night at your friend’s house without letting your parents know.
the_ringmasta t1_j80izzy wrote
OP said in the post that she did tell her parent and got explicit prior approval.
TarnishedThrowaway20 t1_j80lnet wrote
Her grandparents have custody of her. Not her mom. Her mom is a recovering addict. Courts don’t strip away custody on a whim.
RandomHavoc123 t1_j80mutn wrote
No, her mother has legal custody of OP. For God's sake read the post before commenting incorrect information. TIFU by spending the night at my boyfriend’s
>EDIT #2: one more time to say that although my grandparents are filed as legal guardians as my mom is still working through her rehab, MY MOTHER HAS LEGAL CUSTODY OVER ME. what my mom said should have been enough. she is not damaged goods because she is battling herself, im so proud of her for being clean for so long now and i love her. my grandparents have done things like this to everyone in my family and that is why none of my siblings are here anymore.
TarnishedThrowaway20 t1_j80n8f5 wrote
In the first set of edits, OP says her grandparents are her legal guardians. Later she says her mother has legal custody. I’m not sure what to believe. For God’s sake, read the original post before commenting incorrect information.
[deleted] OP t1_j80rmyy wrote
[deleted]
killswitch2 t1_j806003 wrote
You can also report your grandparents missing. I don't recommend this, it's a huge waste of resources, but perhaps a little payback is in order so they learn the embarrassment.
autistic_strega t1_j806j23 wrote
That's not a good idea, let's not make the only adults on her side angry at her too
Edit: only adults on her side as in the authorities. Fuck the grandparents but doing the same thing as them doesn't help anyone.
[deleted] OP t1_j806q3r wrote
[removed]
Alise_Randorph t1_j80byl6 wrote
No, because she's now making false police reports. Not a good idea.
autistic_strega t1_j808sl0 wrote
I did read the post, I just don't see how doing the same thing her grandparents did solves any problems.
Edit: in my above comment I was referring to the authorities as the adults on her side, not her grandparents. Maybe that's where you got confused.
[deleted] OP t1_j8094ha wrote
[removed]
TheIroquoisPliskin t1_j806uc3 wrote
Just make sure not to really go missing after the police get fed up with your grandparents!
[deleted] OP t1_j80d290 wrote
[removed]
Bubba-jones t1_j80dzcf wrote
I observe two types of 80-year old people.
Ones who have seen it all and are very chill.
Ones who no longer pretend to give a fuck what anyone else thinks.
faultysynapse t1_j80kiwl wrote
Just wait till you see what dementia will do.
scifishortstory t1_j807aei wrote
She should start reporting them missing
wordscannotdescribe t1_j80c1iu wrote
If you don’t mind me asking, when did your mom’s drug abuse issues start? Was it around your age?
letmeseesubreddits t1_j80cx6q wrote
it was around my age, i believe. it’s been on and off her whole life but she’s tried for me as best as she can. we argue sometimes but it’s never been serious and i trust her just as much as she trusts me. she was a young mother from a bad past and got into some unsavory things. she’s trying her best even now and i’m really proud of her but my grandparents feel the need to kinda shove her nose in shit every day, if you get what i mean.
wordscannotdescribe t1_j837qpg wrote
Got it. Your grandparents probably mean well and have good intentions - they don't want you unknowingly going down a similar path as your mom (which would arguably be worse, since they won't be around as long). That's not to say that your grandparents did right here. They still overreacted. Hopefully, you can explicitly show to them that you're going down a good path. That might honestly be things like introducing your boyfriend to your grandparents over a dinner.
[deleted] OP t1_j80e8yc wrote
[deleted]
ThatITguy2015 t1_j80kokh wrote
Which is probably going to force a cycle. They don’t understand how to properly handle things.
Bubba-jones t1_j80n9n2 wrote
Key difference. OP sees it coming. And they will be dead soon.
nucleosome t1_j80gfj9 wrote
Exactly. My parents went through a similar scenario with my sister, except that she has 4 kids and they were much younger. They have been dealing with the fallout from her addiction issues for years.
In the end they gave up about 12 years of life, unbelievable amounts of money and time. And still, any day she could relapse and start it all over again.
Clevergirliam t1_j80evrk wrote
And now it all makes sense. Great question!
Mountainbranch t1_j80b4zp wrote
Go down to the police station, tell them you're not missing, your grandparents just have a stick up their butt, then if your grandparents call the police can tell them to piss off.
zebrahead110 t1_j80ashq wrote
That is straight up abuse. Post this in r/insaneparents
oscar_the_couch t1_j80nny7 wrote
Uh. This is 100% on you, and the primary problem here is that you didn't communicate very well at all. You live with your grandparents who are, at least until you turn 18, still primarily responsible for things like making sure you aren't dead or missing because they're your legal guardians. Your mom's permission doesn't mean shit in this instance, except inasmuch as your legal guardians might defer to her, which it sounds like they do when they're actually aware.
You needed to tell them you wouldn't be coming home that night or of course they might think you're missing.
It doesn't sound like this was some weird attempt to harass you or punish you, based on how many friends and people you know they involved. It sounds like they, with pretty good reason, genuinely thought you were missing.
They might be inept and frustratingly bad at parenting a 17 year old, but it also sounds like you have some people who genuinely give a shit whether you live or die looking out for you. That isn't always a given!
Your mom has been in and out of rehab. Obviously if she goes out for extended periods of time they're probably pretty fucking worried she might start using again. Literally six months ago she was out of rehab!
This is a situation where, if you're lucky, you will have a very different perspective on this in like 10 years.
letmeseesubreddits t1_j80o5y6 wrote
my grandparents are not my legal guardians, they try to exert guardianship over me because they used to be my temporary guardians. i had some terms confused previously but i did research before replying to anyone else about it. my mom is my legal guardian and i updated that in my post since i was even confusing myself with it. i got permission from the person with guardianship over me and it should have been her concern, not theirs.
oscar_the_couch t1_j80rwcf wrote
the post you've now deleted said that your grandparents were your legal guardians.
either way, it's not entirely relevant. you had some people that you live with who you knew would expect you to come home at X time; you didn't come home at X time, and they (quite reasonably) believed that you were missing.
"did you have permission?" and "are you missing?" are two completely different questions. evidently not a single person told them that you wouldn't be coming home that night, and it was 100% reasonable of them to be pretty dang worried. if your post was "i gave my grandparents a heads up i wouldn't be coming home because i'm staying with my boyfriend, and i had permission from my mother to stay with him, and they called the cops on me / freaked out / etc.," my opinion on the situation would be 180 degrees different.
i also live with someone who loves and cares about me. if i'm going to be out later than she's expecting me home, i tell her so that she does not think i've gone missing. i also tell her where i'm going to be so that if i do go missing, she is able to tell authorities my last known whereabouts.
letmeseesubreddits t1_j80xlu5 wrote
i deleted the post because it got too big for my tastes. this definitely belonged better in a vent subreddit.
SpacemaniaXu t1_j7zkpt4 wrote
My mother did similar to me multiple times. Eventually she did it while I was hosting an international guest at her home. Everyone was happy and excited at the start. Then she got so stressed at my being in another city with them that she demanded WE come home early. Not me, but both of us. The plan was 10PM return, yet she made the demand to start returning at 7.
This absolutely would destroy the night so I fought it, but eventually she won the argument with me. My friend told her that she's being absurd and outright declined however.
So she revoked him from returning.
An international young adult who came here on a shoestring budget.
Thankfully he was able to crash at a mutual friend's place that night and I went home. I then did the worst thing I could do to her after that, absolute silence. This sounds laughable unless you know my mother. Silence, and the void of information it brings, is murder to her.
By the time she acknowledged that I appeared upset I laid it down in absolutely simple terms, in as few words as possible. That will never happen again, or this silence will become permanent.
Message received and respected. (with growing pains, but respected).
letmeseesubreddits t1_j7zlnmc wrote
im sorry that happened to your guest but im glad that it hopefully worked out for him. i already told them that when i’m 18 they can expect total silence, but the same thing happened to my mother when she was in her 20’s and never stopped. they lost her jobs, friends, and the rest with their antics until she was crawling back to them permanently with me latched at her hip. i made a vow to myself not to do that as well.
SpacemaniaXu t1_j7zn46l wrote
Peace was eventually made between all parties thankfully. Although she did try to creep in her antics with my then GF. She then told her that if our behavior wasn't satisfactory we would happily leave and come back when she is comfortable with it again. I didn't even get a chance to say anything, that was all her doing.
I love my wife, lol. (Mother backed down)
As for the cutoff approach, it is a severe ultimatum, and cannot be issued without full sincerity, else it will be called out as a bluff and tested. If you try this, it has to be made with a definitive conviction that you are willing to go right then at that moment with only the clothes on your back with only the plan to figure things out as you go.
It can be done but it's the hardest thing to do. For what it's worth though, thousands of LGBTQ+ individuals impose this reality on a regular basis, and I know one personally. I am so proud that they were able to build a quality life for themselves in less than 2 years and are in a stable and loving relationship.
I wish you well and a more optimistic outcome.
last_rights t1_j809hlq wrote
I had to do this at 19. I was home from college for the summer, and my boyfriend was calling a lot. He was actually my fiance, but I hadn't told them that yet, because as soon as we got serious, they didn't like him.
So I was taking a phone call and trying to meet up (not allowed without parental permission) and my dad waits and decides to take my phone after the call, because I'm using it too much.
The important thing to note here is that the phone was mine. The phone plan was mine, and I was an adult.
Of course I threw a fit. It was the kind of fit that only a belligerent 19 year old who is raised by narcissistic parents can throw. There were some words said that I mildly regret, and I might have also lost control of my temper.
It ended with me telling my dad to give me back my phone, and him saying that I couldn't live there if I couldn't follow the rules.
So I called the bluff. Then I called my fiance. He came and picked me up. A week later I picked up my stuff. My parents tried to make this difficult by throwing in all my totes of childhood things.
I was VLC for another seven or eight years until they were invited to our wedding.
ThisIsAnArgument t1_j80bxwe wrote
I presume you were.... Very Little Contact and not a media player for 7-8 years?
SpacemaniaXu t1_j80wyr8 wrote
I hope that they have improved as people and all were able to make amends.
frikkenkids t1_j7zmz7d wrote
You would have to think that the police would get pretty tired of this if it happened repeatedly, especially once you're 18, and put a stop to it fairly quickly.
You may have to look into restraining orders.
letmeseesubreddits t1_j7znfl6 wrote
i talked about that with my mom earlier. i was wondering why she didn’t do the same but i guess in her defense they are the people who adopted her and gave her at least a somewhat better life than she could have had. maybe she knew something i don’t. i have no idea
Depressaccount t1_j80bvw0 wrote
She doesn’t want to rock the boat. Afraid of conflict.
There’s a book called “set boundaries, find peace” you might find helpful. Very how-to/example-oriented.
Coral2Reef t1_j80lozn wrote
Your mother's adopted parents continue to exercise control over her adult life and have displayed that they intend to do the same to you?
Look, OP, I don't say this kind of thing often, but when you turn 18, I think you need to get the fuck out of there.
Mister-SplashyPants t1_j802yxy wrote
Hopefully this is a one time thing
[deleted] OP t1_j803vkj wrote
[removed]
Jeffdit t1_j802a8d wrote
Your grandparents really need to understand that by reporting you missing all the time that if something bad really does happen to you, the police might not take it seriously. If you get lost hiking, drive off the road, or worse, the police might look at your situation and consider you a runaway.
Depressaccount t1_j80c58g wrote
I wonder if it would be possible to go talk to a cop about the situation and see if the cop would be willing to sit down with the grandparents and explain this to them. There certainly are reasonable cops out there.
oscar_the_couch t1_j80oawj wrote
> reporting you missing all the time
did i miss something in OP's post? this was the first and only time as far as i can discern
Ryankey721 t1_j80ppob wrote
Yeah, they said they would continue to do this until she's 18 and beyond out of love and concern. Implying that missing persons will be filed for any future overnight stays.
oscar_the_couch t1_j80qwnn wrote
>Implying that missing persons will be filed for any future overnight stays.
The implication I gathered from it was that they will file a missing persons report after she's 18 if they think she's missing.
There isn't any information in here to suggest that they did not actually believe she was missing. Which is entirely OP's fault for not telling them she wasn't coming home that night.
Ryankey721 t1_j80s2zt wrote
I can see that interpretation. It strikes me as funny that they would leave her mother sleeping, and not check with her boyfriend first (assuming they know of him and have his number).
But post is deleted either way, so hopefully things work out.
oscar_the_couch t1_j80sw04 wrote
It doesn't sound like they trust mom with much of anything, let alone parenting, given her addiction/mental health issues, and it doesn't seem like OP trusts them enough to let them know boyfriend's phone number / identity.
it sounds like they did call her brother at an hour when her brother would pick up, and he let them know she was at her boyfriends. in the absence of other information, they probably still expected that she would come home, which is why they didnt do anything else until 4am.
but yeah, hopefully it works out. i think OP is confusing "grandparents disapprove of my decision to stay at my boyfriends" with "grandparents think i might be face down in a drain pool somewhere."
leatherpens t1_j7zxfvb wrote
Yeah that sucks. When I first started dating my girlfriend freshmen year of college (at a college 4 hours away from her parents and we both lived in the dorms) she texted her parents that she was going golfing with a friend, she came back to the dorm, left her phone in her golf bag, came over to my room and she fell asleep on the couch for like an hour and a half, then went to her phone and saw like 10 missed calls and a million texts of her mom freaking out over her not responding to her. For not even 5 hours. On a weekend. At college. She called her and she was crying and saying how she was about to call the police in our town, over her 18 year old daughter not responding to texts, for not even 5 hours. On a weekend. At college.
Godspeed on getting the fuck away from your crazy grandparents. You'll feel so much better when you do.
d3gu t1_j80lhuq wrote
My mum did this sort of thing until my early 30s, and tbh the reason she stopped doing it is because she passed away. I wish I could say I put down boundaries but it never worked.
An example that sticks out is - I get home from work exhausted. Have a nap on the sofa that lasts longer than planned cause I was so tired. Get woken up by my annoyed lodger because my mum is ringing him asking where I am. They swapped numbers for EMERGENCIES ONLY (eg if anything went wrong with the house and I, his landlady, was unreachable). He was like, I'm not your secretary lol.
She claimed it was an emergency. What, because a 30 yo woman didn't answer her phone for 4 hours on a weeknight?
kaka8miranda t1_j807dpq wrote
Ahhh the one day I went over my friends house and my parents didnt pickup.
I did leave a voicemail, but I guess it was full or something.
Mom reported me missing around 8pm…my friends dad got the call I was missing and he said I was at his house.
My friends dad was the chief of police
junkiecreppermint t1_j80f3ue wrote
"This kid is missing" "uh... No s/he's not"
kaka8miranda t1_j80f7xq wrote
Yea it was funny we laugh about to this day and I tell my mom to check her voicemails before calling the police 🤣🤣
letmeseesubreddits t1_j7zo0gh wrote
im sorry for replying to every comment on this post, currently i have nothing else to do. im not sure if it’s within reddit etiquette or not haha. i do appreciate everyone offering me perspective, stories, etc. maybe i’m young, naive, and overreacting, but it really is frustrating.
sirbassist83 t1_j803y2d wrote
if anything youre underreacting. i dont know if theres a cultural element im missing, but what they did was wildly inappropriate.
letmeseesubreddits t1_j804xqz wrote
cultural elements don’t really apply here i believe. just a white, lower class family in the south. i definitely don’t know anyone else with a family similar to mine, especially someone who would go through the same things i do, but i just reassure myself it will be over soon enough and that i’ll save up enough money to be able to live my own life. i was worried i was just coming off as a moody teenager with this post but there’s a lot of people who went through the same stuff as me and it’s really reassuring.
sirbassist83 t1_j807rbj wrote
i did not go through the same things, but at 17 i would tell my parents "im going to mikes(or sarahs, or jarrets, or cassies, etc) ill be back in a day or two" and theyd just tell me to be safe and have fun. i think my experience is much closer to typical than what you described, and youre definitely not just being a moody teenager. try to go to college or trade school in a different city so your grandparents dont have the ability to exert so much control over you. try to save every penny you can now, so moving out will be easier later. if you are making $300/wk it should be theoretically possible to have a little spending cash, and have close to $10k by the time you graduate high school, which is more than enough to cover moving costs and first/last months rent, etc. best of luck
[deleted] OP t1_j7zzprf wrote
[removed]
AnimatedHokie t1_j80677y wrote
I guarantee if they continue to do this past your age of 18, the response will not be the same. Actually, establishing any sort of bogus pattern may be a hinderance to you if you actually -do- go missing. The cops will one-hundred percent be like, 'She's an adult. She can do what she wants. We do not care.'
CCtenor t1_j80eiyi wrote
You need to just buckle down and be independent as soon as you responsibly find the opportunity. You’re right, that no one is going to want to be around someone who gets reported as missing by overreacting guardians.
This is literally something that causes employers and recruiters to not call people back for job opportunities. As unfair as it is, they have an entire pool of candidates to choose from. Why would they willingly pick someone that, from their perspective, doesn’t seem like they have their life well enough put together that their parents/guardians have to make a fuss about it.
I’m not going to touch on the social aspects of it as, given your edit, you seem like you got a solid enough head on your shoulders. I will, however, emphasize the social/professional aspects of this.
You can feel however you want about whether or not your parents are or aren’t controlling, or whether or not they’re overstepping their bounds. However, as you just experienced, other people are going to have their say too. This is only the first time, and your grandparents have made it clear that they are going to do it again.
This is abusive behavior, and it will cause you to lose friendships, relationships, and professional opportunities, as your grandparents attempt to control your life through hyper vigilance and, potentially, outright lying to other people.
Ultimately, that’s what this boils down to. You grandparents lied to authorities in an attempt to control your life. Your mom, and you, aren’t people with lives and autonomy. You are possessions to be kept, protected, and displayed.
What happens when you turn 18? What happens when your college classes and responsibilities force you to stay out past what your grandparents consider acceptable? What happens when you’re applying for your first job, and you’re still living with them?
Heaven forbid, what happens after you move out, and your grandparents still have access to your information as a form of maintaining contact, but they instead use that to intrude upon your life wherever you go?
Will they call your job when you’re 25 and report you missing? Will they report your future fiancé for abducting you if you happen to go on a vacation to a place without cell phone service?
These might sound like exaggerations, but you just experienced 12 calls from the sheriff’s office, a call from your former high school, multiple calls from friends and family, and a bombardment of unknown numbers for not being home for 8 hours, and in spite of the fact that your grandparents could have literally just woken up your mom first to check.
I’m not saying “freak out”. I just want to emphasize that you’re making plans to go to college, and that is literally only going to make this problem worse, and it will likely continue getting worse until you make yourself independent, and likely cut off your grandparents, because they literally said they are going to make this an ever increasing problem for you once you turn 18, and beyond.
When people tell you who they are, listen.
Your grandparents plainly stated they are going to leverage at least this level of control over your life no matter how old you are.
This situation will very likely not get any better for you, and it’s going to be up to you to build a life for yourself while fighting against your grandparents’ efforts to control and possess you.
oscar_the_couch t1_j80oyz7 wrote
> You grandparents lied to authorities in an attempt to control your life.
there is literally no indication in OP's post that her grandparents did not actually believe she was missing. and in fact, everything she has said about it indicates that the only person she told where she was going to be is someone who has been in and out of rehab and at risk of relapse, who did not bother to relay the conversation to her legal guardians. obviously they're going to think she's missing
CCtenor t1_j816ahr wrote
I was going to offer a response explaining what you missed, but this comment shouldn’t be dignified with a discussion.
Waste your time elsewhere. We’re to discuss the very real and dangerous consequences of controlling and abusive guardians, without shying away from the strong, but necessary, language to describe their behaviors, and intent behind them.
oscar_the_couch t1_j81ggp4 wrote
lmao you're out of your mind
Pastel_Mermaid_ t1_j7zocai wrote
Are they allowed to file a missing persons report if it’s been less than 24 hours since you were last seen?
letmeseesubreddits t1_j7zoyqz wrote
i was called by the sheriff’s office and told i was filed as missing. i’m not sure if the report would’ve went through until 24 hours had passed or not. i told my grandparents that i thought they had to wait 24 hours to even try to file one but they shut me down with “no! I just called 911, they are coming.” (copy and pasted). within two to three hours they had police at my home, at my former high school talking to my friends who still attend, at my workplace, etc. so maybe not. i do live in a small town where a lot of commonplace laws are ignored or looked over and that may be one of them.
TheThiefMaster t1_j7zvr1p wrote
I believe it's not true that it has to be 24 hours. If they have reason to believe that you should be somewhere and can't be found, you're missing and it can be reported.
However once it's explained they can look like fools to the police, and possibly be charged for the callout.
letmeseesubreddits t1_j7zwizx wrote
i googled it and you’re right, apparently 24 hours is a commonly believed misconception. i’m hoping the police won’t take them as serious next time because they have a very long history with the police here, but this is one of the few, far in-between times they have done something to me specifically, so i’m guessing it was taken more critically due to that. once i explained to the sheriff i was fine everything was called off and i just went back home so they wouldn’t try again.
Taolan13 t1_j80s3ut wrote
You definitely want the police to take every missing persons report seriously, which is why it is deadly serious your grandparents do not abuse the system to try and control you. Establishing a "pattern" could result in the one time they finally do report you missing when it matters getting ignored because its "yet another runaway report from grandma" followed up with "shes an adult now she can do what she wants" and you're actually lost or missing.
Did you tell them you may not be coming home that night? If so, totally unnecessary. If not, what they did was a bit extreme but not totally unwarranted.
Remember. Boyfriend/girlfriend also includes the word "friend" so "crashing at a friend's house since they live closer to work" is an accurate statement.
StatisticianLivid710 t1_j7zwd5w wrote
24 hours to report missing isn’t an actual law, it’s just garbage used on tv to create drama.
When I was in high school I didn’t have a curfew or anything, just had to let them know where I was. The key was making sure my mom knew, my dad was much more laid back, so if I talked to him I had to make sure he told my mom or that she was there when I told him. In this case it might just be getting into the habit of letting them know you won’t be home after work.
As a teenager you see it as them trying to control you, as an adult you realize that you want to know where they’re going to in case something happens to them. The mistake made in this situation was a complete lack of communication between your mom and grandparents. However, if your grandparents are your legal guardians (as opposed to your mother) you should’ve let them know where you were as opposed to your mom.
100% your grandparents should’ve asked your mom before phoning friends and random people though.
tortillakingred t1_j7zvzjj wrote
This is a very common misunderstanding. You can report someone missing after like 20 minutes if you have reason to believe they’re missing. It is up to the discretion of the police to decide whether or not they want to look into it.
Maiyku t1_j805io6 wrote
That’s a super common myth that even police departments will tell you, because so many “missing persons” end up being found (This incident is the perfect example of this) and ends up being wasted resources.
There is no minimum to report someone missing.
7hr0wn t1_j80628m wrote
That's not a thing except on shitty made-for-TV crime dramas. You can - and should - report a missing person as soon as you notice they're missing.
As a general rule, don't take legal advice from Law and Order.
Drawmeomg t1_j806pgs wrote
Yes, there’s no time limit. Time is the MOST important factor if someone is missing and the belief that you have to wait X days is very dangerous.
Theres a lot of messed up stuff with this situation (most notably the threat that it’ll continue past turning 18), but someone with parental authority over a minor who earnestly believes the minor to be missing should call the police, they should not be waiting.
(Whether the grandparents earnestly believed that in this situation is another question entirely)
moo3heril t1_j80cdwn wrote
Yes, they are. Admittedly for when we did it, it was for a young child, but there's no real limit if you reasonably believe someone is missing, as far as I know.
AllanfromWales1 t1_j7zk0f3 wrote
Disown, (vb), what you should do to your grandparents.
letmeseesubreddits t1_j7zl6hl wrote
planning to go no contact as soon as i’m 18, but i guess that never stops them. they did the same thing to my mom almost every day when she was in her mid-20’s living two hours away.
AllanfromWales1 t1_j7zp9i4 wrote
Report them to the police so that there's something on record to say the police should not take too much notice when they call.
letmeseesubreddits t1_j7zpl54 wrote
i will be doing that when i’m 18, but since they have used my mom’s mental health as a crutch to continue doing it to her for her entire life i will probably also be taking some more preventative measures as well
AllanfromWales1 t1_j7zqczg wrote
> more preventative measures
Nothing involving baseball bats I hope..
Depressaccount t1_j80cy2j wrote
I would say that usually these people do escalate until they get a response from you. The trick is to grit and bear all of that until they stop. They have to truly believe that they will not get a response from you no matter what they do.
One option might be changing your name?
letmeseesubreddits t1_j80d60n wrote
i’ve actually been planning on changing my name for a long time because i don’t like the past being tied to it. it’ll definitely be freeing to do. gritting and bearing has been my tactic for a long time but as i get older i get more explosive towards them and when i walked in the house this morning, not a word has been spoken since.
Depressaccount t1_j80ew84 wrote
Yeah, one of the things you could really say to them that they’d actually care about (because clearly they don’t care about your feelings) is, “you really embarrassed yourselves today.” And don’t even bother to elaborate.
Berlinia t1_j803n75 wrote
The moment you turn 18 get a restraining order. If they continue, sue them for all they got.
letmeseesubreddits t1_j8047rm wrote
unfortunately, most of what they’ve got right now is my rent money, my child support, and their retirement fund. but hey, it’s something at least. i would definitely feel guilty for suing them if something did happen that would breach the terms of a restraining order but i do know it would be necessary.
leatherpens t1_j80o5w3 wrote
Wait I'm sorry, did you say they're charging you rent? Your mother, sure, they can make her pay rent, but I'm pretty sure you can't charge a minor rent
edit: turns out it depends on the state, if you have the means to contribute they can charge rent... Though not all states.
letmeseesubreddits t1_j80odl8 wrote
it’s an unofficial agreement but they were getting mad at me for taking so much space with my stuff as well as part of their electricity bill. i like to think of it as me paying for my mother in a way if that makes sense. it gives me some semblance of comfort
[deleted] OP t1_j80pyof wrote
[deleted]
Dr_StrangeloveGA t1_j804tfo wrote
My mom did something similar to my brother when we were in our early twenties. My brother went full no-contact for a little over a year.
25 years later, I still have to reset some boundaries from time to time.
To this day I am very careful what information I give her about my work, life, health, etc. She is super nosy and just can't stand not being all up in everyone's business trying to run their lives "for their own good".
RobieWan t1_j805y9m wrote
The one thing I haven't seen said here is YOU ARE A MINOR. Regardless of graduating HS or not, you are still a minor. Even with that, I don't agree with their actions in this case at all.
That out of the way. What assholes. Especially to say they'll do the same once you're 18. I'm sorry you're being treated like that. You might have to get a restraining order or something else if they can't have sense talked into them.
letmeseesubreddits t1_j806v4m wrote
nobody has mentioned it as i’ve seen besides you but yeah, being under 18 plays a lot into the serious tone the police took with this. unfortunately i’m a minor but i am, in most regards, an independent person, as far as even paying my grandparents for rent, electricity, and other bills while i live with them, buying all of my own things, paying fully for my car, etc. i haven’t mentioned it in any other comments here but i am also thinking about talking to my mom about emancipation. not sure if it would stop their harassment but it would at least make me an independent person legally.
RobieWan t1_j807j9w wrote
Based on your post, I agree with you.
It is probably why the cops took it so seriously.
You do seem quite independent, so hopefully you can get some sense talked into your grandparents.
How long till you turn 18? I have no idea how long the emancipation process can take, so I don't know if it'd be worth the effort to try if you'll just turn 18 beforehand.
letmeseesubreddits t1_j808vlw wrote
i’ve done a lot of past research on emancipation, i have a good bit until i am 18 so i feel as though emancipation would be faster and it would also take away the $700/month or more child support they are receiving from wherever my father is. usually emancipation here takes just a few months since the courthouse isn’t very utilized. i just have to go to a judge, get myself a free attorney, and prove myself to be financially stable and independent of my family, with a legal way of earning money and the means to provide for all of my own necessities, a show of maturity/capability, and a $300 or so filing fee for the clerk.
FoldedButterfly t1_j80rkt3 wrote
... Wait, they're getting child support and charging you for rent, utilities, forcing you to buy your own necessities, etc, while you're still a minor in their care?? That sounds shady as hell. I'm not a lawyer and I don't know what state you live in, so I'm not sure if it's outright fraud. But definitely something to ask a free lawyer about. I'm so upset on your behalf!
Edit: if you want any help or moral support looking up laws and pro-bono lawyers in your area, you're welcome to pm me! I have some free time on my hands right now and I know looking through options alone can be overwhelming.
ShootFrameHang t1_j808cqw wrote
Until you turn eighteen, it sounds like they have the authority over you, not your mother. It sucks, no doubt about it. If you spend the night at your BF’s house again, be upfront with them about it. If they plan on weaponizing the Sheriff’s office, let that office know it. Call them before you spend the night and tell them what's up. That you are fine, and they'll call to try to force you home. It depends on the department if they will fetch you or not. If it's a high crime area, they'll probably just roll their eyes unless they think you're in danger.
If the grandparents are going to call around all your friends, let key people know ahead of time. All it takes is a few friends who know what's up to comment on social media if a post goes out that “OP is fine, her family is Extra. Ignore them.”
Dagamoth t1_j7zs6xk wrote
If they attempt it again get a restraining order against them as soon as you turn 18. They got some psychological issues going on that they will never deal with but they will negatively impact your life.
depressed0taku t1_j803w3f wrote
Literally the same thing happened to me when I was 18, there were missing posters of my face all over social media, I feel you. I also was embarrassed because I was like, great; now the whole town knows my family infantilizes me.
Now I look back at it and it’s kinda funny. People will forget, but this reflects more poorly on your grandparents than you, really
AcrobaticSource3 t1_j801fiy wrote
Either your family needs to trust you more, or the town you live in is a friggin war zone
letmeseesubreddits t1_j803hi3 wrote
i’ll admit that i don’t live in the best, safest town in the world, but it’s an “everyone knows everyone” type of place and there are areas everyone knows not to go to. as you can probably tell the police are pretty responsive too haha. i don’t necessarily think that trust is an issue, especially with my mom, it’s definitely more a control thing for my grandparents and like some other comments have said i may need to consider some underlying issues they have that may never even be addressed.
Wraith978 t1_j80b0nb wrote
I mean, it's stupid they didn't ask your mom, but in missing person cases it's actually important to contact the police ASAP. 8 hours is later than you'd want in a real situation.
oscar_the_couch t1_j80pew4 wrote
maybe OP should have told her legal guardians where she was going to be instead of the person who hasn't been able to be a parent for some time because she's been in and out of rehab and is unemployable because of mental health issues
Onlyhere_4dogs t1_j80c0o7 wrote
Nobody wants to be around your grandparents either if they air everyone's laundry out like this. God they have no shame
Realistik84 t1_j80fd7z wrote
It’s a tough one.
You rather people care and support for you, but there is going waaay overboard. I wouldn’t be “mad” at the grandparents, they have no idea how this modern world works.
m0rpeth t1_j80gpk6 wrote
I'd have a talk with them and make it unmistakably clear that, unless they want to grow old(er) without ever speaking to their grandchild again, they're not to pull this shit again. Ever. As in there won't be a second warning. There won't be an 'oh in that case...', either. Do this again and I'm cutting you out of my life.
As for the reasoning: Love and concern is one thing. This isn't about love and concern. Your mother knew where you were. Your mother - which I'm assuming to be a normal, i.e not insane person - okayed your stay at your bf's. You're her responsibility, so everything's fine. There is zero reason for your grandparents to get involved - let alone to just involve themselves. There is zero reason to assume that you were in any sort of danger. As such, them still doing this to you has very little to do with love and concern and quite a lot with the old teaching-you-a-lesson kind of approach to raising a child.
I'm not saying to actually cut off contact, ofc, but a threat like that usually gets through. Having grown up with a father who is, in some ways, not unlike your grandparents, I've yet to find a better way to handle these situations. Some people are simply unable to graps the concept of personal boundaries, unless the price of overstepping them is so great that they'd rather not try.
DestoryDerEchte t1_j8064bw wrote
🧵✂️
AddictedtoBoom t1_j80b834 wrote
On the bright side at least they care what happens to you.
mormispos t1_j80bx5k wrote
There’s no reason to be embarrassed for another person’s action. I know it might seem like The Most Important Thing In The World but other people are going to forget about this in maybe a week, and if anyone asks you can tell them the truth and say that they decided you were missing because you were gone for 2 hours. I’m sorry you have to deal with this (it sounds exhausting) but don’t stress yourself out further by concerning yourself with other people’s opinions when they’re honestly, and in the best way, not really thinking about you.
JesusSaidItFirst t1_j80g763 wrote
As a parent I can understand why they wanted to report you missing, but a lot of people dropped the ball here... Sorry for your situation. Good for you getting that job and being on a good path!!
ForQ2 t1_j80k8st wrote
After my mother died, I lived alone for a few months in the house where I grew up, with my grandmother in the house next door. On this one particular summer night, right after I turned 17, I told my grandmother that I was going to go into work for a little bit to fix a fence in the swimming pool (I was a lifeguard, and the fence was a safety hazard). Work was literally one block away; I took my car just so I wouldn't have to lug my tools.
I came home one hour later, and there was a police car in front of the house. She had called the police to report me missing when I had been gone for all of about 50 minutes, at a location a block away.
FoldedButterfly t1_j80q7a1 wrote
Uffda I'm sorry that happened, that sounds incredibly frustrating. Especially with them involving your job! For what it's worth you sound very responsible and well-adjusted to me, and it sounds like you have a good relationship with your mom. Those three things will far outlast anything else.
The nonsense with your grandparents is hard to live with, and they are wrong to use their power this way, but it is temporary. You're almost to 18, hang in there! You're doing great!
panic_bread t1_j80bs76 wrote
You didn’t fuck up at all. And now you have learned to set very clear boundaries with these people. They can call the cops all they want. That doesn’t mean you should stop living your life. They are the fools.
prix03gt t1_j80dyl7 wrote
My suggestion is when you are 18, MOVE far, far away....
dr_goodvibes t1_j80ga4b wrote
Did your mom not tell your grandparent?
Traveleravi t1_j80gxls wrote
If your grandparents continue to do this after you turn 18 they will be fined for wasting police resources.
letmeseesubreddits t1_j80iocg wrote
they used to call the police on my mom when she was in her mid-20’s, lie about her being “off her meds”, homicidal, etc, just to be able to know where she was and keep tabs on her. im really worried that’ll happen to me.
Traveleravi t1_j80irw1 wrote
When you turn 18, file a restraining order.
mlvisby t1_j80hlqs wrote
Huh, the weird thing is media and hollywood always made me believe that you can't file a person as missing until 24 hours has passed.
Kyocus t1_j80j1bf wrote
Sounds like you need to have a serious talk about boundaries and rules with your grandparents. Boundaries going both ways. If they want you to follow rules which are too strict, they can lose you because you'll just move out when you're 18, so being mindful of your need for independence is important.
JanelldwLowrance t1_j80o7ro wrote
Make sure you set boundaries now with them. Because when you turn 18 it could get worse.
Taolan13 t1_j80pxns wrote
Your grandparents sound like a couple of annoying old codgers who hopefully are doing this from a position of love and caring and not old-fashioned "morals" about unwed young people spending time together.
You mentioned living with them. Did you let them know in advance you were planning on crashing with a friend since they lived closer to work, or did you just leave them in the dark? Given the context they overreacted, but if they lacked context then their reaction is appropriate if a bit overboard.
Stats_n_PoliSci t1_j80gbjs wrote
This will clearly be an unpopular opinion, but I’m with your grandparents, mostly. They are your guardians right now. Your mom is unfortunately unreliable and maybe not trustworthy. You didn’t tell anyone they could trust that you were ok. They are deeply scared that you will face the same issues as your mom.
Your grandparents could have asked your mom. But she’s effectively sick right now, and not reliable. Your grandparents could try to talk more and control less. It sounds like you could also try to communicate better. Frankly, a family therapist sounds like they could be helpful in improving your family’s communication.
Experiencing some social embarrassment because your grandparents love you is far from the worst thing in the world. And they clearly love you.
letmeseesubreddits t1_j80i9t7 wrote
i think the worst part for me is that they called my brother, who lives nowhere near us but still has my location on iphone. and he told them where i was and that i was fine, because we had a conversation about all of this and we tend to talk every night. yet they still chose to do what they did. they are not scared of me ending up like my mom, they threaten me with it, but i really do love my mom and i’m proud of how far she’s come especially considering the things they’ve done to her for much longer than they have me.
[deleted] OP t1_j80hh9i wrote
[deleted]
[deleted] OP t1_j80ngfr wrote
[deleted]
letmeseesubreddits t1_j80xgtg wrote
guys, i deleted the post because it was definitely better to put in a vent subreddit and got bigger than i intended it to. thank you all for commenting, whether positive or negative.
Technologhee t1_j815z0l wrote
Don’t be a baby. Earn more money and live on your own, otherwise expect to be treated as a dependent since that what you are.
Muroid t1_j7zxb6s wrote
>unfortunately, i live with my 80 year old
The line ended here and wrapped around to a new line to continue the sentence. Combined with the headline, I’ll admit my heart skipped a beat before my eyes caught up to the rest of what you wrote.
letmeseesubreddits t1_j7zy3lt wrote
oh my god, trust me i definitely know better. i promise my boyfriend is not an 80 year old man
MacabreManatee t1_j7zwi2h wrote
Text them next time beforehand. Calling 911 without proper reason can get you fined and you texting you will not be home should be enough to make them calling BS
[deleted] OP t1_j80gi7d wrote
[removed]
letmeseesubreddits t1_j80hu2s wrote
my mom was actually not okay with me spending the night with him at first, but after a few months more and a few scattered discussions, she agreed to trust me on this so long as i agreed to be responsible. she is not damaged goods and her opinions aren’t to be overlooked because she is trying. she’s doing amazing and she hasn’t touched anything in 6-8 months now. she raised me, my grandparents did not, which is why i’m not a narcissist. i wish i could provide more information on the numerous other things my grandparents have done to me and to the rest of my family (one incident even involving my younger brother moving in with his father halfway across the country), but i fear that kind of thing would be too specific. they also specifically stated that when i turn 18 and even older they are still going to call the police on me if i do something they do not approve of, whether it be moving out of their home or other actions.
TarnishedThrowaway20 t1_j80kunr wrote
Thanks for a little more context. Not sure what your grandparents have done and without specifics, I’m going to say you are still a minor. They are taking care of you and your substance abusing mother. She hasn’t touched anything for 6-8 months? That’s good and I hope she continues her sobriety. But your grandparents have dealt with her drug abuse for a long time and that isn’t easy. I hope all of you treat each other a little better.
Did you have this conversation about your boyfriend with your grandparents? The folks who are legally responsible for you? Courts don’t take away custody on a whim. Your mom wasn’t doing well there for a while. Probably a long while. Not saying your grandparents are saints but nothing you’ve written indicates them looking for you when you don’t come home overnight is abusive.
Edit: a whole new paragraph
letmeseesubreddits t1_j80lbgj wrote
i wish we could treat each other better. but thank you.
letmeseesubreddits t1_j80ltgk wrote
my mom did not have custody of me ever taken away through this. by all regards she is the one legally responsible for me. my grandparents are registered guardians vs my mom being my natural guardian. whatever my mom said should have been enough for them, but it never is. i never claimed they were abusive, that’s mostly been other people in this comment section, but this post was mostly a vent for my frustrations and it got a little larger than i intended it to be.
TarnishedThrowaway20 t1_j80mnbe wrote
How does that work? Your grandparents are your legal guardians but your mother has custody? I’m confused.
But even if your mom has legal custody, you are living with your grandparents. They should be told that you are going to be out overnight. Even if they disagree with the decision, tell them so they aren’t calling around town looking for you.
leatherpens t1_j80n7x9 wrote
Sounds like mom went to rehab and she stayed with her parents as OP's de facto legal guardian (not court ordered), if mom is 6-8 mo sober and a court hasn't given grandparents legal guardianship, they don't have any rights to report OP missing without contacting OP'S LEGAL GUARDIAN, her mom.
letmeseesubreddits t1_j80nqxl wrote
this is actually a lot better than how i put it, it’s almost 100% accurate. however i think my mom was required to sign for their temporary guardianship at that point
TarnishedThrowaway20 t1_j80nzlw wrote
Then OP needs to make that clear. OP has written that grandparents are her legal guardians. She has also written that mom has legal custody. It also sounds like mom is still in rehab, so at this point, I think OP is on her own. But legal guardian or not, I’m not mad at grandparents looking for looking for their grandchild who does not come home after work on a dark and rainy night.
leatherpens t1_j80qwcg wrote
She just commented that my message was close to accurate, minus that the temporary guardianship was done via paperwork
letmeseesubreddits t1_j80ncqu wrote
sorry, i had to find the correct terms, i wasn’t super involved in the proceedings of all this but i think i can clear it up now. my grandparents had a temporary custody type deal that timed out maybe after 6 months of my mom’s rehab and is no longer in place, making my mom my legal guardian again since she’s my natural parent. kind of like the “do you have a parent or guardian i can talk to?” deal they always asked in school. however they still exert that kind of control over me. i’m sorry, the way i said it was definitely confusing.
TarnishedThrowaway20 t1_j80okdg wrote
Thanks for this. That clears up a lot. I still say that you could have told your grandparents you wouldn’t be home that night. A call or a text would be great for two 80-year-old people. Would it have prevented the embarrassment? I think it would have.
leatherpens t1_j80r47n wrote
I mean, her legal guardian and mom knew, the grandparents just chose not to ask her and call the police instead
QueenSlapFight t1_j80is69 wrote
Your grandparents are liable for your well being. Your mother's permission doesn't mean anything and you know it. Technically your boyfriend committed a crime and contributed to the delinquency of a minor. You've gotten off fairly unscathed, be more mature next time.
letmeseesubreddits t1_j80j3tb wrote
my mother has legal custody over me. my grandparents are my guardians. what my mom says goes over what they say legally, but they don’t think so and choose to ignore that. they only called the police because they weren’t happy with it. my boyfriend is also 17, it was not a crime.
QueenSlapFight t1_j80jjfc wrote
It is a crime even if your boyfriend is a minor. Even if he isn't liable, then his parents are. If your grandparents are your guardians, don't be surprised if there's an issue with you missing overnight. You aren't emancipated yet. Deal with it. Everyone does.
letmeseesubreddits t1_j80k0o4 wrote
my mother is my main legal guardian, they are only side ones since i live with them as well as her. there should have been no issue if i got permission from my own mother and had family besides her (such as my brother) who also knew where i was/have my location and told them so when they called. my grandparents chose to ignore it all and blow everything out of proportion anyway.
QueenSlapFight t1_j80kcog wrote
Well now you know if you go missing your guardians are going to have a problem with it. As if you didn't already know.
letmeseesubreddits t1_j80l2nf wrote
unfortunately they say they’re doing to keep doing it after i turn 18, after i already threatened no-contact if they continue after that point. they would do the same thing to my mom when she was in her mid 20’s and working two jobs in a city two hours away. it got her fired because they kept calling her workplaces every day. at one point they got it into their heads that she “ran off to mexico”, and worse things ensued after that.
mickeythecat t1_j80i11i wrote
One day, when you’re a mom or grandmother, you’ll empathize their actions. Better safe than sorry.
Harleyquincey t1_j80njz1 wrote
Not respecting boundaries is not some god given right by parents or grandparents, it is shitty and immature.
mickeythecat t1_j815mc2 wrote
They didn't violate boundaries. They just didn't know where she was, so they assumed the worst and called the police. It would be different if she told them where she was, and they still did that.
magic9669 t1_j807uze wrote
You’ll miss that when it’s gone and will understand when you become a parent.
It is a pain in the ass though. My sister STILL goes through it and she’s much older than you haha. Parents will be parents (no matter grand or great-grand, etc)
GuadDidUs t1_j80cbih wrote
But she did tell her parent. Grandparents didn't bother to ask her mom
thedailymotions t1_j80flpo wrote
You’re so blessed to have your grandparents. You don’t even know. This isn’t a TIFU. This is what love from a grandparent who watched their own daughter go to rehab. Thank God for the people in your life. I wouldn’t be embarrassed. I would be beyond greatful that all these people in the town care about me.
letmeseesubreddits t1_j80ggoc wrote
i am not blessed to have people who outright say they are going to control my life as long as they are able to. my grandparents abuse my mom’s issues and exploit her. i love my mom. i am embarrassed because rather than maybe asking my mom where i am, they bombard me at 5-7am in the morning with calls from the police, family who do not live here, friends, my former high school, my workplace, unknown numbers, and social media. this is by no means love. if i turn 30 and they’re still doing this, it’s STILL not love. they are manipulative and my mom and i are not actual people with free will to them. we are things to smother, keep home, and break down until either we die or they die. i’m not sure what would happen first especially if they never stop.
Harleyquincey t1_j80ob0j wrote
It's manipulative as fuck and disrespectful, not "love".
[deleted] OP t1_j80gikk wrote
[removed]
letmeseesubreddits t1_j80h29y wrote
i don’t understand how i am inconsiderate or egotistical for having explicit permission from someone with legal custody over me to spend the night at my boyfriends after i get off work, only to wake up to the police and other factors because my grandparents did not like that and would rather me not only not have a job, but not leave my house at all so that they can “support” me my whole life in the same way they do my mother. im not sure how you could give me tips for growing up any more than i have tried to grow up.
NeedsWit t1_j83d27l wrote
Simply inform them that you'll spend the night at your bf's. That's part of what it means to be considerate.
Maybe it's unfathomable to you, but in all likelihood they actually care, and were worried about you so they raised hell. Why else would they phone up everybody and their dog. They wouldn't take the effort of raising you and pay for your bloody living costs if they didn't. The same applies to your mother's.
Your mom is a grownup and responsible for her own decisions, including for taking decisions that led to her still needing parental support. It's her choice to never have grown up, to still depend on her parents. The only one to blame for her inaction is her.
The only ones who look good in this story are your grandparents. You're still half a child so you get half of a pass, but your mother does not.
AP16K1237 t1_j808mon wrote
OP: look at it from the shoes of concerned family members. If you were in real danger?
letmeseesubreddits t1_j809cz5 wrote
they probably shouldn’t report me missing and force me home every time i do something they don’t like. i’m afraid it’ll be a boy-who-cried-wolf type of situation if im ever in legitimate danger and the police won’t care.
onebadmex66 t1_j7zlmhn wrote
I imagine it is annoying but the takeaway is you have a lot of people who care about you so much, deviation from expected patterns sends out alarm bells. Some kids don't get that kind of love from their family. Some kids go missing and no one notices for days, weeks, months.
letmeseesubreddits t1_j7zm8qf wrote
this kind of “care” is ridiculous and will continue until either i am 30 or they pass away. they did the same to my mom when she was in her mid-20’s working two jobs living two hours away from them because they somehow had it in their heads that she ran off to mexico. lost her her jobs because they wouldn’t stop calling asking where she was every day of the year, told her friends she was insane and schizophrenic and planning on killing them, because she wouldn’t respond to their texts as her attempt to go no-contact.
onebadmex66 t1_j7zsarj wrote
Fair enough. Over reaction isn’t good, but no reaction definitely is worse. Hopefully you can get them to understand what acceptable responses are. Good luck!
letmeseesubreddits t1_j7zspxe wrote
even if i don’t currently agree with your opinion, i can see where you’re coming from and i definitely am luckier than some others in many regards. i do not take this for granted often but my limits are very often pushed. thank you for offering a different perspective to this situation.
o_-o_-o_- t1_j800a9w wrote
Just a comment to say, I don't know you, but I'm proud of you. Youre being more thoughtful than I am sometimes, and it gives me hope for the future. If I ever have kids, I hope I can nurture this same sort of kind and intelligent thoughtfulness in them as you're showing in your comments. Youre doing just fine!
seasamgo t1_j808lcq wrote
Nah, this isn't it. OP appears to have care and love from her mother. The grandparents are overbearing, manipulative and abusing the system for control over the family.
Sure, maybe they care for her in their own twisted way, but OP absolutely does not need to erase how toxic they are just because other kids have been neglected or abandoned.
onebadmex66 t1_j80h43p wrote
Lol you do you champ!
seasamgo t1_j80j0pz wrote
Thank you, boss
You too, chief
Have a wonderful day, big guy
sleaklight t1_j7zwx1d wrote
How did you sleep thru so many calls? Do you turn your ringer off at night or just have it super quiet you can't hear it? That's what I'm curious about. I think if you answered the first time and told them your mom said was ok, then all this escalation by your grandparents could have been avoided.
letmeseesubreddits t1_j7zxjt7 wrote
i have my phone on both silent and do not disturb, and i’m a very heavy sleeper (have slept through the sounds of a drill in the same room, things like that). i think the repetitive vibrations of the calling is what eventually woke me up since i fell asleep with my phone pressed against my body. the main problem was that (reading my call logs here) my grandparents only tried to call twice at 4am before rapidly escalating the situation, while the sheriffs department repeatedly called in intervals every few minutes until i picked up and told them i was okay.
sleaklight t1_j7zyb1v wrote
Oh wow that really sucks on their part then. I on the other hand am a very light sleeper. I go to sleep and get awake by someone getting up from the couch or flipping the light switch sound lol
letmeseesubreddits t1_j7zyumt wrote
i don’t know if reddit has a character limit but if it did, i probably couldn’t even finish typing out a list of the things i’ve slept through. i also have “small ear canals” or something so i get routine ear flushings at the doctors to help me be able to hear better. i have a unique vibration sound for calls and alarms on my phone since i try to fall asleep with my phone near me so that i can feel those vibrations instead of relying on my admittedly crappy hearing
leatherpens t1_j7zyiqt wrote
My phone is on silent at night because I don't want to be disturbed by the non-stop spam calls everyone gets nowadays. Or the fact that she was just at work beforehand and had it on silent. This is not unusual, and certainly not the problem in this story. The fact that they didn't even ask her mom if she knew where she was means this was entirely about controlling her, if they actually cared they would've woken her mom to check but they just wanted to bully OP for staying at her boyfriends (which they probably assumed and didn't like).
Your suggestion of appeasing people who are being unreasonable and arguably abusive is not a suggestion that will fix things in the long term.
killerofcheese t1_j80ev1j wrote
my phone is silent 24/7 because im not supposed to have it on at work and then its do not disturb from 8 pm to 8 am because i slways get random discord notifications at like 3 am
SmittyManJensen_ t1_j7zjgms wrote
Why does your mom let your grandparents boss you around and parent you?