TIFU by Taking My Wife’s Lunch Money

Submitted by OkConcentrate723 t3_y8j8w3 in tifu

So wife and I are going through some financial difficulties. Last year she lost her ability to walk (normally) and is now handicapped. This really hurt our finances. I’m currently working 3 part time jobs, just picked up the 3rd one this week. We share one job at a thrift store which supports us in a way. (We can call out anytime without consequences.)

We didn’t have enough for gas and food today. So I asked my mom for $20 for food so we could eat lunch. On the way to work I wanted to stop through Chick-fil-A to get a soda. I just really wanted one before going into work. (Like coffee basically.) I didn’t really think about finances or how that would impact the days budget or anything like that. I just wanted a soda and didn’t think it through. Wife is upset with me because that came out of her food money as mine is a set price and she wanted to use hers to buy some stuff at the store. (Food) I didn’t even realize it until she pointed it out when we got home.

We have been making a ton of sacrifices to make things work. I don’t buy myself anything anymore and I’m having to ask my mother for help while I try to get back on top of the finances. Wife isn’t super mad at me, just frustrated. Eating out is one of my guilty pleasures because I don’t really get to buy or do anything else.

I came to the realization today though that we are so poor that buying a soda can effect weather we can eat lunch or not.

I’m not giving her a good life at all, I feel like a loser, and now I feel like a terrible husband.

TL;DR I wanted a soda but didn’t realize it came out of wive’s lunch money for the day.

Edit: Thank you all for the kind words! I didn’t expect this many responses. I want to address several points.

We were advised that she wouldn’t get disability likely because she can work something and it’s really hard to get. Granted we should still apply, get denied, and appeal, but dealing with so many things it just hasn’t happened yet and that is on us.

I used to work a full time job as a data entry specialist, but I suffered from anxiety attacks and decided to build my own work from home job. One of my biggest life philosophies is to be around family and I just felt trapped. My wife encouraged me and worked 2 jobs while I built mine up and it was going well actually. Before her legs gave out we started having an emergency fund, saving, spending money, and things looked like they were going well. When she got hurt I neglected my job to take care of her and figure out what to do, and it fell a lot… Now this is no excuse for not getting a full time job again but it really freaks me out and I believe this is a mental disorder. I’m seeking help on it. My doctor and coach have both recommended a therapist, better help, and I’ve looked into local, all booked, and the recommended, cost too much and not covered by insurance. However thanks to the support of my doctor, I am getting medicine to help relieve stress and anxiety and was able to pick up the two extra part time jobs.

I completely agree that eating out is horrible for the budget. As I mentioned above it is a guilty pleasure, almost an addiction. I just get so sick of frozen food and the like and want a meal. Also we live 40 minutes from town/work. So it’s difficult to stop by the house for lunch to make something fresh. No excuses, I just know it is one of my weaknesses and I should fix it. (I probably down play it in my head as a reasonable weakness since I don’t drink or smoke for personal reasons.)

I was budgeting, quite well I think, using mint and different accounts to balance things. But in the last 6 months it just became too much. We just didn’t make enough. $600 per adult is just not enough to live off of no matter the budget or sacrifice. Medical, gas, utilities, and food all cost way more than that.

We have talked about food stamps, I don’t think I qualify and when she looked, she said she didn’t meet the criteria because she doesn’t work enough. (She doesn’t have an official diagnosis because she was one point off…) she does have a handicap pass but no financial aid atm.

I want to mention that my wife is not mad at me. She was just frustrated and usually we are very good about communicating. It has just been stressful. She has not shut me out or anything but she has developed a lot of self loathing and helplessness which I am trying to convince her that she can still live a great life and accomplish many things. The financial stress is not helping her though. Also, she is literally in pain every single day which is destroying us mentally. She also has regular flare ups which makes her bedridden. So it’s hard for her to make a long term plan while trying to figure out how to get through each day.

She did apply for several online things but didn’t hear back. Our friend did hire her as a project manager which she is very happy about and feels like she is contributing to the household again. Honestly, I don’t mind her not working and I just want her to focus on taking care of herself and doing her exercises to reduce pain and help her walk with support. I think I have a bit of self loathing needing her help with the finances as I just want to support her so she can focus on health and not worry about money.

I think we both have been getting so focused on surviving the day that we neglected some long term planning and that likely contributed to this incident. I will try to be better about budgeting and not avoiding it due to stress. It was nice to get all of this off my chest as if I tell my wife she is likely to blame herself and feel guilty. (We have a tendency to blame ourselves when the other has a bad situation.) Thank you all for the kind words and the helpful links!

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InadmissibleHug t1_it1jjwe wrote

Come and see us at r/eatcheapandhealthy and at r/mealprepsunday

Getting food stuff under control might help you feel less stressed

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cobaltaureus t1_it29gkw wrote

OP please take the time to review these subs. I know it feels like you’re drowning right now, but baby steps and learning new strategies for budgeting and eating can help you and your wife find your footing again. Wishing you well

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OkConcentrate723 OP t1_it2jspi wrote

Thanks. Will look into it!

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last_rights t1_it3l5m4 wrote

Preparing your own food can be much cheaper than buying premade or frozen foods. Last night's meal was $10 for three people plus leftovers. I could have made it less expensive, but meat is outrageous right now.

I made broccoli beef over white rice. It took 1.5 small onions, some leek, beef that came from the store pre marinaded ($5) and broccoli. I added soy sauce and some random alcohol to caramelize the onions, and salt.

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hamster_savant t1_it146sk wrote

Why don't you apply for disability with the goverment?

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GhostNinja1373 t1_it1bo27 wrote

And food stamps! Those really help out when you struggleling

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OkConcentrate723 OP t1_it2ka2t wrote

Looked into the requirements but we don’t think we qualify. I make too much and she doesn’t work enough hours as “an abled body adult” on paper. We don’t know how to prove she is disabled…

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kitchenwitchin t1_it2qndk wrote

Apply for SNAP anyway. The requirements are purposefully hard to understand because that creates a barrier that discourages people from applying, which saves money. If you get denied, whatever, but if you don't apply you won't even see what you are eligible for. And there are several ways to meet the work requirements beyond just working a regular job. Having an active SNAP case, even if your allotment is $0 a month, will give you an active case number which can be used for income verification for other programs like free phone service.

For disability, count in getting denied the first time. Generally that's standard practice, and you may need more than one appeal, but if your wife is unable to work she will eventually get approval as long as she keeps her doctor's appointments and gets everything documented. Don't mess around and smile or say something like "fine" if one of those doctors asks how you're doing--they will write it down and it will go in your file which will look like the doctor thinks you are without pain. There is also Vocational Rehabilitation which helps people with disabilities get jobs and accommodations so they can do their job comfortably. Good luck.

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cardcomm t1_it4n4ez wrote

>Don't mess around and smile or say something like "fine" if one of those doctors asks how you're doing--they will write it down and it will go in your file which will look like the doctor thinks you are without pain

This is huge!!

If you need disability, say the right things to the doctors! What they write down matters. A LOT.

She needs to express her limitations to every doctor she sees.

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EmulatingHeaven t1_it56ygt wrote

Yup! It’s depressing and the only way to keep living is to focus on the good, but that doesn’t help you with the doctor. I found myself downplaying my pain at the doctor (well, and I super dosed my pain meds to be able to function at the appointment) so I started keeping a pain diary. It is the most depressing and bleak shit I’ve ever done, but it got my doctor to take me seriously and look further into it.

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Peppermooski t1_it2uq10 wrote

But there are food banks or pantries available. Google your area and see what comes up.

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barfsfw t1_it47kf9 wrote

Most of these are No Questions Asked. You can just show up and they will give you food.

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estherstein t1_it3ozs2 wrote

What did your wife previously do for work? If it's just being wheelchair-bound, most desk jobs should be possible (although obviously unfairly harder to get/keep than if she were able-bodied).

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EmulatingHeaven t1_it571lx wrote

Not that easy to keep if unpredictable pain means she’s got unreliable attendance :/

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chemknife t1_it3ory4 wrote

Have her doctor write that her medical conditions affect her ability to aquire and maintain employment.

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_punkbtch t1_itib9u8 wrote

SSI, if that is what you're looking into, has a process for people who don't have verifying documents. Just keep appealing and you should be able to get to someone who can "assess" you. And, when you do applications and interviews, they don't wanna know how you usually do, they wanna know how you are on your WORST DAYS. SSI is also for people who both cannot work at all, or cannot work to their full potential due to disability.

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Emu1981 t1_it5bxza wrote

>Looked into the requirements but we don’t think we qualify.

Just because you think you do not qualify does not mean that you do not actually qualify. You will never know unless you actually apply.

Hit up google and see if there are any groups in your area/state that you can talk to about your options to get help with your current situation. There may be groups (or even subreddits here) that can guide you through the application process for welfare benefits/SNAP/etc to increase your chances of qualifying or there may even be state programs that can help you out (e.g. help for covering medical bills/prescriptions, help with rent and/or bills, etc). You might be able to find groups who can provide you with food hampers to help cut down the cost of your food bills.

One of the biggest issues I often see with getting help when you are in financial distress is actually finding the services that are out there to help you in those times of need. This is where the groups that I mention above can really help you out.

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OkConcentrate723 OP t1_it2k2cw wrote

Added this to the update. But she is likely not able to get it due to being one point shy from the diagnosis. Also a disability lawyer told us she is likely not able to get it due to being able to work “some” jobs. We should still apply, get denied, and appeal of course, it just got out on the back burner as other stuff came into focus and we felt it wasn’t likely to succeed. I’ll try to get back on top of that though as it couldn’t hurt to try.

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hamster_savant t1_it3hea7 wrote

Oh yeah they basically judge whether you're able to work. Any ability to work at all goes against you.

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EmulatingHeaven t1_it574g3 wrote

One point shy of diagnosis at that point, but has anything gotten worse? It might be worth a reassessment

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carthous t1_it1wvai wrote

Probably pride..... One of the deadly sins

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Rozazaza t1_it2ay9b wrote

Nope, getting disability is actually very difficult. Chances are, if they can't afford food, they can't afford regular dr appointments which you need in order to get and keep disability.

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rebelolemiss t1_it4hjys wrote

My father in law had a stroke and lost The ability to work. It took so long to get disability, he just gave up.

Most claims are denied.

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Logical_Ad_1383 t1_it15zv1 wrote

I hate to break it to you but eating out is costing more than you realize. Where I am I drink from chic fil a is more expensive than a gas station soda. And a gas station soda is right around 2 bucks for a medium. You said your out to eat budget is a set amount daily how much is that? Take that amount times the number of days a month you eat out even at 10 dollars a day average for a cheaper meal in a fast food joint. That's 300 a month for me that's almost a months worth of gas and i drive Uber and lyft when I'm bored.

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GuanoLoopy t1_it1tiq1 wrote

If you need to buy a soda, at least get it from McD where it's just $1 for any size drink. But still if you're on that tight of a budget, even that should be avoided.

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Thrawn89 t1_it22ntg wrote

You can get 2L of soda at grocery store for $1. You used to be able to get 3L at dollar tree for $1, not sure if that price held up.

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Pokemom18176 t1_it26k9o wrote

Idk anywhere that sells two liters for a dollar anymore and I'm in a cheap, rural area. Dollar Tree is 1.25 now, but they don't even have two liters in my town.

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Thrawn89 t1_it29guu wrote

My grocery store branded soda is still .99c per 2L

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Pokemom18176 t1_it34xe4 wrote

Nice! Do you feel comfy sharing the store name? I don't drink generic 2L just never had luck with them keeping carbonation- but just checked my Walmarts Sam's and they're 1.18 here, so not so bad. I buy those 24 packs of Dr. Thunder cuz they used to be cheap. ;)

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ArkLaTexBob t1_it2ferv wrote

I was in a Dollar Tree in Longview, TX recently and they had name brand sodas that were 1.25 liter for $1.25.

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Pokemom18176 t1_it341t7 wrote

I think this is what my dollar tree has- I'm in a tiny lil town in Arkansas. Really, it's still a good price compared to Wal- Mart 20 oz- think they're well over 2 buck$ these days.

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RuaRealta t1_it29cqh wrote

Dollar Tree is $1.25 everywhere now, they've even put out press releases about how their price is going up. My local Dollar Tree also doesn't have 2L, only 16 oz and 24 oz bottles. My local Walmart, the cheapest soda is $1.25 for a 2L and goes up to $3-ish for name brand. Still a lot cheaper than fast food drinks, but not quite as cheap as they used to be.

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whorgans t1_it2bumv wrote

That’s what I used to do. I was really broke and soda is my one thing. I don’t drink coffee, don’t smoke, rarely drink. But I love a nice soda. I’d go to McDonald’s to get my $1 large soda. Using the McDonald’s app I could sometimes get a free food item with the purchase of $1. So I’d get my $1 soda and a free thing.

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ZeroDaySubber t1_it24u70 wrote

My local McD’s raised their price to like $1.47 for a large drink.

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Ok-disaster2022 t1_it3495v wrote

McDs have changed that recently and require an app at certain locations to get that price.

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FlowLife69420 t1_it2e9ag wrote

Grocery stores exist.

If you really need soda, which is horrible for you in several separate ways, get it from a grocery store in bulk for like $0.50/bottle; possibly less I don't know I've never bought it.

Y'all need to stop hitting up fast food joints at all.

I make comfortably over six figures just off salary and I balk at fast food prices, might as well go sit down at a restaurant and relax at these prices.

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Fine-Mail4400 t1_it2xty2 wrote

You sound extremely pretentious in this reply, not sure you meant it that way. Just an FYI.

Mentioning your wealth and better standing financially on this post is misplaced. The tone and way you are speaking is certainly condescending.

There is NO amount of budgeting that will take away their situation. People who make a ton of money seem to scoff and lecture the lower classes with their "abundance" of knowledge on money. It's not easy and never will be. Society isn't designed to help people in poverty, it's created to keep people in it. No amount of advice or opinions you give this person will change that fact.

They are trying, and god forbid they bought a fuckin soda. Sue em.

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cldw92 t1_it3haum wrote

Not sure if you're aware; but data has shown that being poor negatively affects your ability to plan finances in the long term. Because money is so scarce and it money seems to disappear quickly, it incentivizes the brain into spending money the moment you receive it.

I believe researchers hypothesized that it's because we've intrinsically linked money to food; when we are poor this our primary use of money. When someone is hungry all other secondary needs are put on the shelf.

TLDR: It's expensive to be poor, it's harder to make rational budgeting decisions when poor.

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AlleyCatStoner t1_it3fmdi wrote

Sounding like a real shithead in this one, not sure if that’s what you intended or anything..

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ShakespearianShadows t1_it253vb wrote

My local gas station has gigantic sodas for a buck. They used to be $.79. Way cheaper than any fast food.

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richwith9 t1_it2a66o wrote

I can get an X large fountain drink from Circle K for $1.17 tax included

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usedTP t1_it2hy5e wrote

Grocery store sodas are less than a dollar.

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oregonduckman23 t1_it55xeg wrote

Also this is very inconsequential compared to the other things in this post but soda does not compare to coffee. It has a tiny fraction of caffeine per serving in comparison and all the sugar is going to offset anything you take in and make you crash harder

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Icy_Engine_7648 t1_it0mspf wrote

Planning ahead is essential when you're on a budget. Like shopping for sales so you can buy soda and keep it in your refrigerator for when you want one instead of buying fast food

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EmulatingHeaven t1_it57ixw wrote

This is something OP’s wife can do when she’s having low pain days! Search the local flyers, make a meal plan based on what’s on sale. I have experience being the pain wife and feeling useless but planning is possible and way more helpful than people realize.

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Ok-Educator850 t1_it1ejip wrote

If you’re counting the pennies to that extent - you should be taking a sandwich to work. There really is no need to spend on fast food that is not only unhealthy but also expensive and not filling long term. You can buy multipacks of soda and take one to work.

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FlowLife69420 t1_it2fp4j wrote

This is poor budgeting through and through.

I make over six figures and couldn't imagine getting fast food every single day, fuck that, that's so much money.

You're right, taking sandwiches I'd argue their entire week's lunch would be equal to two days now, possibly a single lunch right now. Fast food is expensive as fuck, it's become equal to going into a real restaurant and grabbing an entree.

You could get a pack of sliced meat, sliced cheese, loaf of bread, head of lettuce. Doesn't need to be bare, you could add a family size box of cheese it's or something which split up would last the entire week with the sandwich.

Pasta spreads the best on a budget, could do a week of pasta lunches for the price of one fast food meal.

You can easily eat lunch for a week on the price of two fast food meals, possibly a single fast food meal if you stretch. I've been on hard times and hitting up fast food for fucking soda isn't it.

This is entirely OP and wife's fault. I prey they don't have children yet and don't until they get their shit together.

Also OP you don't have three part time jobs. You have a single job which doesn't even have a real schedule; some website work is not a job, neither is your startup until it's making a profit.

I'm being an asshole but making all these excuses for yourself is helping absolutely nobody OP. Start by applying for real jobs, especially the ones you don't think you're qualified for, getting a real job with a real salary will change everything. Working on your spending habits is the other 50% of the battle. Times are tough, I know and it's shit, you're not even trying though you're just making excuses.

You better not have an Amazon account. Either of you. I don't.

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bazjack t1_it3xlql wrote

If his wife is disabled then she damn well better have an Amazon account. It's about the only way we disabled people can shop for ourselves. Abled people take being able to walk into a store and get, say, paper plates and batteries, for granted.

The trick is to consolidate your orders and get things shipped together for free.

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DidntMeanToLoadThat t1_it3yx3e wrote

&gt;his is poor budgeting through and through.<

&#x200B;

its not even that. just moronic. if moneys tight you shouldn't be buying anything from a takeout. go to the shop and cook your own food and make lunch. that should be basic knowledge.

honestly have little sympathy for OP. i don't know how distracted you can be to "forget" your money issues.

&#x200B;

reality is OP was selfish and wanted to treat themselves with no regards for the budget.

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Ok-disaster2022 t1_it35dv7 wrote

Poor budgeting will not change $1200/month into more money poor month. I could see it being an argument for $12,000/month and being unable to afford a sode.

OP can apply to govt assistance, but if they're able to work a full time soul sucking job, then they should.

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FlatElvis t1_it0kxpf wrote

I don't understand your financial situation (does the shared job count toward the three you claim to have, why don't you work full time, why your lunch is "a set price", etc). But you don't seem to have an agreed upon budget for your family. You say it was news to you that you couldn't afford the soda. That's where the problem is. You need to have the conversation. Figure out what your needs cost. Then divide the leftover amount equally for your wants. You should both get money toward wants. Maybe you get a soda once a week. Maybe not at all. And if the money isn't going far enough, you need to reevaluate your jobs. Are you working enough? And is she? Work today is virtual. You don't have to walk to earn money. Make sure that you're not making excuses for each other in this regard.

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OkConcentrate723 OP t1_it0mp9o wrote

She applied for online jobs but hasn’t been able to get one. We both work the thrift. I have a work from home job that I am building, it’s slow but growing. Then we both had a friend hire us to do online web dev which started this week.

Lately I’ve been suffering from panic attacks from the financial stress so I haven’t been keeping up with it well. (Im getting help with this.) I’m just trying to keep up with our gas a food.

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FlatElvis t1_it0nhvn wrote

If web development is your skill, there are plenty of remote $70-80k jobs out there. Maybe you could put your own business on hold until you get some money in the bank?

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613vc420 t1_it1ndq6 wrote

If they could get a 70k job, they probably wouldn’t be posting here. There is something deeper at work

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shaggypoo t1_it1y3eb wrote

Yeah their "work from job that I’m building” sounds less like a job an him trying to build a startup that isn’t going well

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Ok-disaster2022 t1_it34vir wrote

Anxiety is a mind killer, and often masks or is a symptom of other mental health issues.

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Roidz18 t1_it1fcth wrote

Apply for food stamps, mortgage/rent, electricity costs etc give bonus points for knocking down your income from work to give you a better chance to apply.

Instead of going to a food joint for a soda stop at a gas station or whatever and get a fountain drink (7/11 has like a 1.29$ size like 44 oz).

Keep your adds you get in the mail. Plan your shopping trips to stores with the sales when possible. Smiths is pretty good with 4 12 packs for 11.99$. Compared to even Walmart @ 5-7$ per pack.

If you shop for higher quality food or Whole Foods type prices, you may have to dumb down the brand names and buy more beans and such.

The being a bad husband part is you (from what you mentioned) put your fast food over your wife’s needs. Also sounds like you’re trying to juggle too much, so give yourself some breathing room. Sounds like you may need to put your own business on pause while you sort things out. Try looking for a job that you have skills in that will better help pay bills.

Your wife can look up “data entry remote” etc. on linked in, the local job connect (the state building that helps people look for work). She should also try to get disability. Disability and food stamps make the other easier to get.

Sounds like you’re having a hell of a time with it all, I hope it gets better for you man.

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Thee420Blaziken t1_it1ciav wrote

Financial issues are extremely stressful and put a huge strain on people's lives in general, don't beat yourself up for it. (Won't really help the situation)

Like another commenter said if you and your wife have web dev skills I'd try going that route while you build up your business. Also idk what country you live in but do some research on government subsidies (food stamps etc...), those should at least be able to put food on the table for both of you no matter what.

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snogle t1_it2s8u5 wrote

What is your work from home business?

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JustOnePack t1_it55wqn wrote

If you actually have web dev skills (education? certs?) , my company is fully remote and hiring with great benefits that starts the 1st of the following month. Msg me

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SleepingThrough1t t1_it5ejxo wrote

You do web development, but make $1200/month?

For 1 person full time, that’s $7.50/hr.

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-Cinnay- t1_it1eb18 wrote

...you went to a fast food place, only to get soda?

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whorgans t1_it28eh0 wrote

I used to do that all the time with McDonald’s, but a large soda from McDonald’s is $1. Chic fil a costs way more for a soda. A McDonald’s soda is cheaper than a gas station bottle of soda.

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FlowLife69420 t1_it2f15h wrote

Eating is absolutely an equal addiction to nicotine, weed, etc. This entire comment section really drives it home.

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whorgans t1_it2hlzi wrote

I wouldn’t call it equal, but it can be an addiction. Sometimes you just want something nice in your life when your life is shit. Nearly everyone’s got ar least one thing. Sometimes it’s a sweet treat, sometimes it’s soda, sometimes it’s alcohol, etc. some are better to have than others.

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-Cinnay- t1_it2h3mf wrote

In what country is McDonalds soda that cheap? It's way more expensive where I live.

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whorgans t1_it2h8wf wrote

USA. it’s been $1 for any size soda for years. But looks like some McDonald’s in the US are raising the price.

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-Cinnay- t1_it2k0vf wrote

Wow, it's 3.49€ for a big one in Germany. And just to clarify, with "big one", I mean half a litre. In stores, there are 1-2 litre bottles that are cheaper.

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Spazmer t1_it2f9zg wrote

I love fountain pop. It's just not the same as the store bought stuff. When McDonald's has their $1 drink day sale on (only in summer here) I'll go through the drive thru for just a large Diet Coke. But now that it's over I wouldn't pay the regular price, and definitely wouldn't do it at all if I had to borrow $20 to eat in the first place.

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Ok-disaster2022 t1_it34l8u wrote

McDonald's has a fantastic soda mix 95% of the time. It's something they're fairly reliable at at maybe 95% the time, which is far more reliable than most other fast food services.

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Zolo16x t1_it1iaw8 wrote

I just want to say you’re being too hard on yourself. I’m not married so I don’t understand the full scope of what you’re feeling but to me the “loser” in this scenario would be the guy who, upon discovering his wife is suddenly disabled, abandons her to her own devices. You did the exact opposite and are, in fact, struggling courageously to provide a life for the woman you love.

While it would be amazing to provide for her that is something you can work on building. We all have to start somewhere. You said yourself that you’ve been making sacrifices and sacrifices require courage. If you have courage it’s impossible to be a loser. Chin up and keep working hard, you’ll get there together and it’ll make it all the nicer when you do.

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lrw1951 t1_it1drso wrote

Buy some food articles at the grocery and brown bag it, with occasional eating out. You will be amazed at how much cheaper it is.

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fairydust_1 t1_it1r7un wrote

A lot of people have been giving advice for your wife to get disability and I 100% support that. I wanted to comment in case there is a particular reason why your wife cannot apply or cannot qualify though. I have a disability and remote working is really important for me but being a developer just isn't for me. I had to do some thinking on alternatives.

Here are some remote working ideas for her to consider.

  • developer is an obvious one
  • product manager (which I am)
  • project manager
  • head of people (HR)
  • customer success manager
  • recruiter
  • QA specialist
  • marketing specialist
  • teaching English online
  • copy writer
  • editor
  • UI designer

All she needs to do is mass apply, get a junior role and climb up the ranks. There are cheap online courses she can do whilst she applies and even if it doesn't pay well she can look into an apprenticeship for the experience which she can do when she's not helping in the store with you. If she is able, disability would help a lot whilst she applies for jobs and studies.

She will be able to do something remotely and contribute financially. I understand why she might not want to be on disability long term, working gives a great sense of self and independence which I understand from my own experience.

One thing I did which some might not support is I did not mention my disability during the interview stage. I mentioned it when I got the job. At that point they are obliged to provide reasonable adjustments. My job was advertised as part time remote, now I am able to work as much as I want remotely and just come in a couple times a month.

I got myself a junior role and now.. 4 years later I earn £55K a year which is pretty good going I'd say at 28!Your wife has got this! And it could be an idea for you too look into this too!

Things might look bleak now but it will get better. Keep pushing forward and hold one another's hand through it. ❤️

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fairydust_1 t1_it2e4bn wrote

Another thing - when I acquired my disability, my ex emotionally disconnected from me and I had to break up because I felt so alone and neglected. You are NOT a loser, you are a great husband. Plenty (not all) of men leave or cheat or emotionally cut off when their partner faces health issues. You have stuck around and you're doing whatever you can to support her. I wish I had someone like you around when my sickness happened. Fortunately I've now found someone much more supportive and I'm in a loving relationship!

9

MundaneManes t1_it2ox4d wrote

Listen you need to stop your “work from home job” cause it’s not working at all. You can literally choose to work the normal job you had before and atleast make enough to be decent yet your choosing your start up? And then you don’t even seem to talk to your wife about budgets either. You did fuck up but not just today. When you let your mental health ruin your life.

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cldw92 t1_it3hsi9 wrote

Doing the business was fine when his wife was healthy; post illness though something has to give. Your words are harsh, but it's a reality check that he needs to hear.

8

bloodredyouth t1_it1dlaj wrote

Find your local food bank and get groceries.

23

BrotherCool1451 t1_it1mdcf wrote

Fast food makes an INSANE profit on fountain drinks. If you’re hooked on soda like that- I’d say go to the nearest grocery store to get a 2 liter one for the same price instead. I empathize with wanting to give yourself some kind of a treat. I am amid similar struggles, but staying frugal while achieving the reward can remove some guilt which keeps it enjoyable. I wish you the best. I’m so sorry that your wife is not well and I hope she feels stronger very soon.

15

iridescentrae t1_it23518 wrote

I saved these two websites that were mentioned in a Reddit comment. Hope this helps. 🍀

Commenter: I'm not sure if this helps at all, but you can try these 2 websites to see if there could be any help at all in your area for this issue.

needhelppayingbills.com

findhelp.org

6

Pokemom18176 t1_it274yn wrote

It's rough out here, man. Sounds like you'll be more considerate next time though and I think that matters most. I'd encourage you to look into applying for any sort of benefit you can. I do clinical social work, and understand that asking for help is one of the hardest things for some folks to do, but they still consider it weak. Don't fall into that. Best!

6

DistressedSunbeam t1_it307bp wrote

This sounds like a terrible solution, but bear with me… legally divorce your wife. You can get power of attorney for Medical to make certain you remain each other’s decision maker, but you would singly EACH likely qualify for more government assistance. Look into the numbers first, but I’ve known more than one couple who’ve done this because of medical debt.

6

genkieveryday t1_it1orak wrote

its ok you can improve everything :

I dont know about you, but as far as i can remember eating/drinking out was seen as luxury.
My parents used to cook and pack all their work lunch meals.
As family day out, we would eat sandwiches prepared back home.

Just this saves a ton of money, and also soda is bad for health.
Switch it for some flavored water you can prepare at home. Lemon water, mint water, orange water. Or even some sugary powder if you really crave it.

5

Fine-Mail4400 t1_it2zv2f wrote

Hey OP fellow poor person here, you should come join r/povertyfinance ! Great tips here! I think this is the right subreddit...

Anyways, there is no perfect way to budget. It's tough shit I know. Listen, just because you get a soda in the drive thru from time to time doesn't mean you are ruining everything in your budget. There will be people here who are in no way shape or form in the same position as you, and make way more money, AND will feel the need to judge you and give you "budgeting" tips. It's unhelpful for the reality of the situation.

Society is designed to keep lower classes LOW for a reason. Budgeting advice provided by financial guru's and 6 figure individuals are so fucked for real. GOD forbid us lower class citizens get a god damn burger or a SoDa....doiiiii. We are so stupid and dumb for wanting to have minor luxuries in our lives.

All the while the middle/upper class and 1%ers are living it up and have the audacity to look down on us. As we carry their economy. Lol anyways you keep doing your best and I hope to all the gods you can push through again.

5

Mikeismycodename t1_it36cmp wrote

I’ve always eaten out regardless of financial situation. Always felt like the one thing I could justify and kinda afford. I’m really sorry about your situation. No financial advice from me about budgeting or buying food at the store etc. your life sounds very complicated and you are doing your best. I second and third the pursuit of disability. Be aggressive. It’s meant for people in your situation. We all (yourself included) contribute to those programs to help exactly this situation. We don’t want you homeless, hungry, hopeless. It may not seem like it but our programs are there to stop it from going too far. Best of luck.

5

MicaLovesHangul t1_it27266 wrote

You sound like you're trying your best, and no a slip up doesn't make you a bad husband.

However, get a grip of your finances. Know your budgets and spendings and plan ahead. If you know what you can and cannot spend, and choose wisely, you can save a lot of money. Money that I think that would really help the both of you do some extra, fun things occasionally and to start saving some money. Even if it's a littlebit each month, money saved is money saved. You'll thank yourself in the long run.

My sister and her boyfriend have been poor for 5 years or so due to circumstances, but they didn't have to be. They just continue to spend unwisely and don't have a grip of their finances at all. My gf and I have less income (for now) but are able to do a lot more with it.

4

thin_white_dutchess t1_it35dma wrote

Apply for the disability. You will most likely get denied- that’s (unfortunately) how it works. Appeal. Apply for snap. Look for food pantries in your area. That’s why they are there. Also, some therapists offer a sliding scale payment option. Call around.

4

nanny2359 t1_it0t5j1 wrote

It's a big paradigm shift.

3

VenusAmari t1_it1lge3 wrote

Don't be too hard on yourself, this kind of mistake is very easy to make. If your wife isn't on disability/ food stamps and the like, you should get on that asap. There's no shame in getting help, and a disability is something many need help with. Others have given you some budget tips, so I'm not going to go too much into that. Just know that you're not alone out there.

3

Occulus t1_it45pba wrote

A few years ago I was in a similar situation, details different, but finance tight. That's when I learned to cook. "Need to feed 7 people tonight? Lasagne with home cooked (UK) chips it is." Then things like shepherd's pie, stroganoff, home-made curries, paella etc.. A really good benefit was that the food wasn't nearly as processed as the pre-made stuff, so less salt, fat, etc. I am lucky though, I enjoy cooking, and when people like the food I make it's a bonus. (On a side note, when one of my step children was 11 he sneered at the lasagne and complained about the the chips. The following night we had frozen pizzas from the shop. His mum cooked them, i.e. put them in the oven for 12 minutes. The little beggar smacked his lips and said "Thanks Mum, you're a great cook.")

3

Goodnightfutureghost t1_it4j2e3 wrote

I’m so sorry. Poverty is traumatic, sudden disability is traumatic, you’re both going through quite a lot. You sound like a real nice guy. It’s totally understandable to slip up, especially if you didn’t have to worry about stuff like this previously. You’re not a loser. I grew up with two disabled parents in poverty and my mom was this wonderful angel of a woman who spent all her time taking care of other people, and that’s what everyone remembers about her. Her art, her company, her jokes. Love goes a long long way.

Over the last couple years I have become progressively more disabled myself, and I was so scared that I would be alone. I met someone so compassionate and loving, and I’m really happy now despite my disabilities. My partner is my rock, he helps me all the time without even thinking about it, anticipated needs, and loves me unconditionally, as I do him. But we both fuck up too sometimes in ways that affect the other person. He broke something kind of expensive a couple months ago and thought I was going to be really upset, but when I saw the look on his face, I couldn’t be mad at all. He’s worth a million expensive things I can’t even remember. I’m sure she understands and doesn’t see you as a loser at all. You’re probably her hero. A soda isn’t going to change that. ❤️

3

mmazing-m t1_it24ve1 wrote

I mostly just want to leave a word of encouragement for you and your wife. It’s so hard, but you are trying and so is she. Keep going and I will pray that easier days are ahead ❤️

2

nick_shannon t1_it2v27t wrote

Dude you are sticking by your wife and you are working 3 jobs, you are a stand up guy and a good husband in my book.

2

ItsMeYerBrotha t1_it3479s wrote

You are a good husband and you are not a loser. I am sorry life is kicking your ass so hard my it change for the better soon. Reading your words has taught me that you are a tough individual never give up!

2

TuliBean t1_it34izn wrote

Fast food is one of those things that will eat away any and all money. I know it's nice to get that stuff, but even running into the gas station is usually cheaper & having the extra inconvenience of getting out, waiting on line really helps let you know if it's really worth it to you. In doing social work I had to help people in similar situations and it will drain you you to no end. Also, the food itself is addictive so even a biscuit makes you want to come back sooner than you would had.

Your story is hopefully educating young redditors who need to get it throughtheir head that we are in major need of disability reform.

2

dengar69 t1_it3pcvk wrote

My wife and I went through this a few years ago. I can't tell you how difficult it was to tell our kids (or lie to them) that we cannot buy them something or was unable to go out to dinner. We ended up moving out of state and to reset ourselves (and lower cost of living) and are doing much better now.

Do you live in the US? I want to Grubhub you and your wife some dinner. You can DM the details.

2

CurveIllustrious9987 t1_it3y5pf wrote

So a can of soda at the grocery store is cheaper than fast food soda.

2

Lori2345 t1_it40cal wrote

How much was the soda? I thought you could get most soda for $1 or $2. And how little is the lunch your wife gets that buying a soda can cause her to have no lunch?

2

Odd_Rutabaga_7810 t1_it6pljf wrote

I think you are good people who are suffering. You are indulging in small guilty pleasures because you are feeling helpless about the big picture. One place you may be able to get help is at your local library. Reference librarians can sometimes help you research ways to get the assistance you need. I think you are in a marginal financial state and that there are ways you can get some aid that will help you to turn your lives around. That might make you feel less anxious overall. there may even be some low cost therapy that could help with the anxiety. good luck to you!

2

wankidd t1_it1pida wrote

That feeling of being a useless husband/dad never goes away. We celebrate our wins and losses.

That said, time to plot a path to financial wellness and more soda. Web dev should be doing good in that department. We're not rich but we do okay.

1

richwith9 t1_it29yyd wrote

Three part time jobs? You cannot find a full time job? Everyone in my area is hiring. My daughter makes $16 at Walmart and gets over 40 hours as a part time employee.

1

ItzKatnyp t1_it30161 wrote

I’m so sorry you’re going through this, OP. Apply for all the aid you can, as well as try to get your wife on disability. Even if you don’t think you qualify it’s worth a try, because it’s a definite no if you don’t try. I hope things improve for you both soon.

1

ladyKfaery t1_it49byd wrote

Her legs aren’t working,she’s disabled.Have a doctor fill out a form. It’s just that simple.

1

spotteddeer25 t1_it4gbw6 wrote

Just so you know in the US if you apply for food stamps you can actually get 3 months of stamps without meeting the hour work requirements so you can get back on your feet. I did it in the summer with my partner and we both did not meet the hour requirement. (We were employed though) and we qualified for SNAP. If you qualify you can get discounts on a lot of other basic services like electric and internet. Its so much easier to do everything to get your life in order when you don’t have to worry about food money. Utilize food banks in the meantime. Thats literally what they are there for. I wish the best to both of you and hope it turns around soon for you.

1

deathbunnyy t1_it4iiwq wrote

Financial difficulties, but still wasting time and $5+ on a drive through soda that is mostly ice. Unreal.

1

PreggyPenguin t1_it56bg3 wrote

I dunno if they are legit or not, all the reviews say they pay, I just signed up on clickworker. They pay through payoneer, which you can connect to PayPal with a little effort or I think you can get a debit card from Payoneer. Also, for a little pocket money I pay games on JustPlay. It actually does pay, it's the only one I've found that does. I can cash out once every 24 hours directly to PayPal- I'm not getting rich by any means, but if I play in my spare time I'm making like $10/week; also, there's no "use this link to sign up friends" crap, which i like. Every little bit helps. Inboxdollars too, but it takes a good bit of time. But you could both do these things and maybe at least get some cash for lunches and whatnot.

1

MrsBarbarian t1_it1lg91 wrote

Well you've done the right thing commenting here. A host of kids will tell you what a loser you are and that you don't deserve to live while getting together and downvoting anyone who calls them out for their toxic behaviour (watch it happen to this one). Reddit used to be such a good place. The AHs were the minority. Now they move like an army.

Don't give yourself a hard time. You didn't mean to do anything wrong and your wife should have a set price the same as you. You are probably in the States where health is a commodity and having a disability is expensive. You are really up against it. Life will get better. Learn this. If you don't mean to hurt someone, then apologize for what you've done and move on. Don't let them guilt trip you. It's up to them if they sulk. Take ANY social help you can get...and look at prices.... Don't give the multinationals a penny more than you have to. Soda from a supermarket.... Not a fast food place etc. And maybe think about retraining. There are people out there with higher pay than you and not much more of anything except qualifications.

0

Tsjernobull t1_it1xkmn wrote

>A host of kids will tell you what a loser you are and that you don't deserve to live while getting together and downvoting anyone who calls them out for their toxic behaviour (watch it happen to this one).

I keep seeing this in comments, and then just see friendly people commenting. Maybe take off your blindfold and stop thinking about what might happen and see whats really going on

8

MrsBarbarian t1_itl8qv4 wrote

I'm not making it up. There are plenty of examples of this on this SR alone. Maybe you should look at your own actions. I seem to have struck a nerve...

0

Onebowhunter t1_it2jf00 wrote

Dude . You are working three jobs to try and support your family . You are not a looser or a bad husband . Not sure what your skill set is or where you are but there are tons of jobs out there that need filling . Sounds to me like you need to find a better job and use any and all support you can get from the community and government

0

MikeyF0618 t1_it2fzu2 wrote

To apolagize you should give her a goosing.

−1

BenfoSherman t1_it4oosg wrote

Well I thought I was having a shit day and I am, but damn. Gonna go buy a beer and be happy I don't have to worry about it.

−1