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Tbh all I can say is, that’s in the past and you’re not that person anymore. All you’re in control of, is changing what you’re doing right now, in this current moment. If you’ve become aware of your past wrongs that’s good enough, move forward, don’t stay in the past

I can offer one thing that has helped me get over my past. I try and make one persons day better than it was. Little things to just make them feel better. Ex: Return their shopping cart to the corral, let them take my place in line when they look stressed. Just little things. I can’t change the past, but I can change their day.

Have you considered a NA meeting? This is what the 12 steps deal with.

Time certainly helps. That and a positive attitude.

We have all done things that we feel ashamed of and wish we could take back. I’ll say getting and staying sober, for me, meant really focusing on the present and the future. When I find myself thinking of the past, the painful parts, I do some deep breathing and focus in on the here and now. We can’t take back what we did, and honestly it’s part of who you are and where you are so there is some value to all that experience and knowledge of where we don’t want to be again. Good luck, don’t be so hard on yourself.

This may sound a bit silly, but there are some movies that have helped me to realize that we change over time. For me, the Korean movie called SPRING, SUMMER,FALL, WINTER, AND SPRING helped me to realize that our life had chapters and lessons learned and how we can grow and adapt and learn and change. Maybe it can help you too. Another movie that does something similar is called SYNECDOCHE,NEW YORK. It's kind of a bizarre movie, but it sort of helps you to remove yourself from yourself and see things from outside of your own eyes and experience, if that makes sense(it probably doesn't) also. If you have time to sit and listen to a nice song/speech remix, the song EVERYBODY'S FREE by BAZ LUHRMAN helps me to realize that life is long and interesting and that things happen. We can't change the past, and maybe can't fully control the present and future, but we can have some control over how we feel, and it can just take some micro adjustments or micro readjustment to change from feeling bad to better or even good. Best of luck to you:)

I was where you were. The old standby works because it works: diet and exercise - both physically and mentally. I refused this for years, but finally tried it out due to desperation and it just works. I've been off of medication and my esteem has never been better. Watch what you put into your body. Watch even more what you put in your brain - that diet is even more important. Exercise your brain with puzzles, gaming, even reading helps (writing is best for what you're going through). Stay away from negative/dark media, keep social media at bare minimum, etc. There's no quick fix to this, as it wasn't quickly that this developed in you already. DM me if you have any questions, and best of luck.

"Feeling Good" by David Burns was helpful for me after I got sober and tried to pick up the pieces. It's a self help guide to Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), and a great resource.

Guilt is essentially a wasted emotion; best bet is to keep moving forward and focusing on how you can do better today than yesterday. It can take years to earn back the trust and respect of friends and family, and sometimes it will never happen. Just do your thing and let your actions speak for themselves.

The person that feels guilt is the new person suffering the knowledge of the folly of the old person. As we mature we are ashamed of our self-seeking and selfishness of our youth. This new adult has to show compassion for that youth for it is a stepping stone of growth and wisdom, and if the stars align just right, compassion and love for all of creation.

Thank you so much.

I did not like NA… at least the NA meetings near me. No one was serious, lots of selling and using at meetings. Not a lot of sobriety time. I did try AA for about a year. Met some old dudes that were very wise. I never made it past step four. And eventually slowly stopped going.

Consider reading/watching some of Brené Brown. She does research on shame and effective strategies to combat it. Right now I’m reading Daring Greatly but she also has some TED talks.

Best advice I ever received was from a sponsor who told me that in order to feel better about yourself find one thing that brings you shame and fix it. Doesn’t matter what- could be your grass needs to be cut, house cleaned or it could be a bigger item. For me it was a broken glass panel in my back storm door. I had to get the broken glass out and learn how to make a screen. Had to go to Lowe’s, find someone to help, ask a bunch of questions. They had to show me what to buy and how to do it. It was hard but I did it and I felt so proud of myself when I got that job done. If you can just find something that brings you shame and fix it. Little by little you can pull out of it.

Sorry cuz this is not exactly what you asked for, but you probably wouldn't be the best candidate for ketamine treatment seeing as you have a history of substance misuse. Might I recommend ibogaine though? Its really effective for opiates as well as mental health and doesn't have the same risk of abuse (trust me, its not something you want to do for fun on the weekends, lol).

You sound like a real sweet person. You care about other people and I hope you never give up. And you have worth. Don’t forget that what you have experienced, has given you an inside look at things that other people struggle with. I can read about addiction, you can tell me your experiences, but I can’t know what you know. This makes your experience valuable. I saw a sign once at an addiction recovery center. It read “ God uses broken people like you and me, to rescue broken people like you and me.” Maybe you can continue to recover with a goal of developing your experience into a marketable skill.

You are not your thoughts! Never compare yourself to others, your progress is only measured by how your journey has made you better in the long run. Be kind to yourself and if you have bad thoughts remember you decide how hooked you get with your thoughts you can just ignore the ugly thoughts, everyone is his own worst critic.

Genuine self-confidence and self-esteem is earned.

For example, let’s say your statement was “I feel really bad that I suck at basketball” while knowing you did not put in the work to be good at basketball. What’s the solution? Practice and study the game of basketball until it is undeniable that you’re good at it. You will have genuine self-confidence and self-esteem in the area of basketball. This same concept applies to EVERYTHING.

If you feel bad about yourself, it is probably well deserved. The trick is perspective.

“This is who I am. I deserve to be miserable. I’ll never be good enough, etc”(a losers way of thinking)

“This is what I did. It’s done. This is who I am RIGHT now. I accept that. This is who I want to be. I’m going to be that. This is who I hurt. I’m going to try my best to correct that. What I can’t fix, I will let go, but I hope the best for everyone”(Winners way of thinking)

This way if thinking was indoctrinated in me throughout my entire childhood of competing in sports and watching inspiring media. I will assume that you will need to have a constant self-awareness and obsession with changing your way of thinking from a ‘losers’ way of thinking to a ‘winners’ way of thinking. You seem to feel deeply about this topic, which is beautiful and I think if you grind out a good way of thinking, you’ll do great.

Cheer up

Edit: Oh, and the most important advice I can give is to never give up. Make this an absolute rule, a principle, part of your identity, whatever you want to label it, that no matter what, you’re going to try again every single time you fall.

One thing you might want to do is to ask yourself whether what you're thinking about or feeling is useful.

We can't always control what thoughts and feelings pop up, so you're going to have periods where you think back to things you did and feel guilty and ashamed. But ultimately, sitting there and wallowing doesn't actually help anybody or anything. Nobody's life is improved by you feeling shitty for extended periods of time.

So when thoughts like that come up, acknowledge them. Yes, you did some awful things and that sucked. Addiction is an awful thing. But you are living in the now, not the past. What are you going to do next? What kind of people do you admire and what do you think they would do right now if they were in your place? What kind of world do you think you'd like to live in? What do you think is good and important and worth fighting for? What do you think sucks and is worth fighting against? And is obsessing about the past the most useful thing you could be doing right now? If not, what could you do instead?

It doesn't really matter if you used to be horrible or not, because you have choices NOW. You can choose to not be horrible now, and to not be horrible in the future.

Just because you did bad things that doesn’t make you a bad person.

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It sounds like you are struggling with a lot of guilt and shame related to your past experiences. It is understandable that you want to find relief from these feelings. One suggestion is to practice mindfulness, which can help you become more aware of and manage your emotions. You can find helpful resources online that explain how to incorporate mindfulness into your daily life. Additionally, you could explore different forms of therapy, such as cognitive behavioral therapy, which can help you learn how to reframe your thoughts and gain insight into how to better manage your emotions. Finally, it can be very helpful to connect with a supportive community of people who have gone through similar experiences. This can help you feel less alone and provide you with additional resources and tools to cope with your emotions.

Was coming here to make sure someone mentions Brown's work. She's been researching vulnerability and shame for over 20 years and while sometimes I have to take breaks from her stuff because it can get too intense, she has helped me so much with finding my empathy and opening up to people. I'm reading Atlas of the Heart right now.

I believe only Jesus can wipe away the guilt and shame

I work in addiction treatment, and I have struggled with mental health and being toxic/making poor choices.

When I hear my clients stories... I have never once judged. I hear the things that you said quite frequently. I honestly love my clients - I have not thought twice about anything. And I have heard some pretty damn "awful" things. I don't care.

All that matters is who you are going forward. You're not alone, not alone in the slightest. You've learned.

Not everyone will be kind. But I think that's a sign of immaturity and not about you.

My personal opinion is everyone deserves love. I don't care what you've done - you could say the most objectively vile thing, but how's it going to help you if I judge you or hate you? How's it going to help you if you judge or hate you?

I've personally found that judging yourself tends to keep you locked in destructive behaviors.

You are worthy of love and respect and a good life.

How do you stay off drugs? You need full-assed therapy & a program. If you're an atheist, there are atheist AA/NA meetings. Especially online. Shame can engulf you & drive you to addictive behaviors. Healing IS possible.

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So i think the one thing that will actually help you is the one thing you said you half assed. Therapy. Go deal with your demons and get professional help and advice on how to appropriately make ammends. Its literally all you can do. Maybe people will never forgive you. Maybe your actions are unforgiveable. Regardless, you either learn to process it so its doesnt consume you, or you need to numb you feelings in an unhealthy way. Therapy is the right choice. If you dont like the therapist, find a new one.

Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate on the present moment.

What you do today matters most.

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As hard as it seems.. for me i try to find humor in it. Reflect, learn and just try to be a better

The fact that you acknowledge your bad choices and feel badly about them shows you are an emotionally healthy human being. That you have a conscience. So take those cringe moments as a positive. The best thing you can do for yourself and for others is to move forward with your life, keep building on the good things your embracing. And try to remember that so many of us have done things we aren’t proud of. “To err is human, to forgive divine” - Alexander Pope

You OWN what you were. Yes. I did horrible things. I was a bad person. I accept that. My addiction was the reason I did those things. Maybe you had a craving. Something that seemed as important as breathing till you quit. Maybe your guilt is entirely misplaced. If you were the victim of abuse, guilt is not earned. It is forced onto you. You can't change the past but at this point in your life (you are 28) your parents are still pretty young, your grandparents are getting older and if you have kids they need you very much. Spend time with your family. If you have no family left, learn to accept yourself for who you were and who you are. Maybe work can be your focus. Maybe a hobby. Maybe love. And if you need to cut toxic people out of your life do it. But what mostly affects your mood is your health. Get rest. Eat well. Love the people you care about. And brush your teeth.

We can't go back. None of us. Watch being Erica.. going back doesn't work. You've make changes. Forgive yourself and look straight ahead.

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Agreed! The 12 steps is a soul cleansing program. I'm not saying you won't feel guilt and shame after going through the steps, but you will have clarity on WHY/WHAT cause the guilt and shame and how to make amends (if necessary).

It works if you work it. You're worth it! 💕

You are not alone. Not even close.

Number one, good for you getting sober, I'm so proud of you.

I got sober for alcohol almost 3 years ago now, and when I was drinking I was a shitty person, no doubt there. Similarly I used the people who loved me, I abused every opportunity I got, and I barely noticed or cared.

That was all 3 years ago, and I'm still working through some of the guilt and shame, therapy helps, but it's still on me to do the work. I'm not talking AA or steps of anything. Just the mental work of trying to love myself. I've learned a few things on my way. Shame and guilt don't survive well in the sunlight, being honest with yourself, and those who you love. It's scary, and embarrassing, but it's over soon, and afterwards you get to be yourself again. It's crazy how much pressure we put in ourselves without even noticing it.

How do you get over it? I don't know, but it gets easier the farther away you get, time and distance and all that.

Let these hard moments you're in right now be the start of your Virtuous Upward Spiral. Do things that you're proud of, and keep doing them, soon they'll outweigh the bad stuff you can't seem to let go of.

I'm cheering for you, you got this!

I normally don’t ever post here but this resonated with me as I used to feel this way too. The way I get over this is telling myself it’s ok to make mistakes but that’s not how I am anymore and I use that way of thinking and it helps. And all those mistakes have made me into who I am today which I wouldn’t have got here without. Believe it or not mistakes help you grow as a person.

Also don’t put too much stock into what other people think about you, do things that make you happy and be who you want to be. That kind of thinking will help also

You're doing great😊 , love yourself step by step and return your love to those that you once hurt that's it , you made a mistake and you are acknowledging it which is very brave and conscious. Your journey won't be ease because you were in a deep problem but you'll acheive your inner peace. How can you alleviate the guilt? Help others and Be grateful Indulge in fun activities that will make your mind busy

I can speak to you as the daughter of a now sober after 4 years mother who was addicted to opiates and the same thing for my grandma. My grandma basically went cold turkey after the doctor cut her off and my mother checked herself into rehab. Both of them struggled for the longest time with everything that happened. Both said and did some crazy things. I didn't even get a wedding because their addictions made them tell people a wedding wasn't important, so my husband and I had to run to the courthouse without family because of this.

First you gotta come to terms with what you did. Why it happened/how. You basically need to face up to what happened. When you can recognize you were an addict and why/how, you can then start to overcome the guilt and shame. A lot of times, addiction happens due to mental illness or stressful events. Once you've recognized where it sprouted from it can really help you start to heal. These were the first steps my mom and grandma took.

You need to speak to the people you hurt. You need to listen to how they felt and what you did to them. This is the most hurtful aspect. I played the song "Jenny" by Nothing More for my mother and grandmother and it spoke a lot of the emotions I felt about their addictions and there were a lot of tears and apologies and things became a lot better between us. We agreed to talk about anything and everything and be honest from now on. Honestly I have never felt as close to them as I have after all this happened.

My mother and grandmother both have bad self-esteem like me, so I understand that part. It sucks. One of the biggest things we've all come to learn to help us cope with it is actually being self-deprecating. Like, we joke that "I'm an ugly shit but everyone loves me" and it actually makes things better. I HATE my disabilities and joke all the time about being a T-wrecks/T-Rex.

You don't deserve bad things. You deserve to come back from this and have a good life; a new beginning. This was a setback in life but you can overcome it. Just think of it as an obstacle to overcome in life. It can make you stronger and give you a better perspective/outlook on life. You were a victim of addiction, a mental illness. You weren't thinking straight/clearly so give yourself a break. You're not alone in this suffering and in feeling this way. Just know that others have gone through/are going through the same as you, so others understand how you are feeling. I would definitely suggest trying out a support group or just talking to others. Feel free to message me if you need to talk. I've essentially become my mother's therapist since she hates that they want her to describe her background of sexual abuse in graphic detail every time and it just feels useless for her.

It's a long and hard process to overcome all the emotions you felt during and after overcoming your addiction. It's not an easy thing to deal with. Everyone deals with their struggles differently, but just know that it can take time to feel better. Know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. You have overcome this obstacle and now you can better your life. I am sorry you've gone through this and I hope to see you feeling better.

As I said up above, please feel free to talk to me if you need help. Support is a huge part of overcoming your guilt and shame. Knowing people still love you and have your back can really help.

go back to therapy and try not to half arse it. The thing is that everyone has done things they feel guilty of, some try to fix it, some accept what happen and use it as an experience to do better. Some could dwell on it until it becomes too much and need a lot of help. Best to accept what happened, move on and try to live life the best you can. Maybe apologies and show that you have improved. Not to all because sometimes, going to them could make things worse.

What about Narcotics Anonymous?

So much this! Helping others will give you little boosts of feeling good. Give compliments, too.

It won't erase the past, but it starts to create a new version of yourself, one who is kind and caring.

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A lot of people get a lot out of 12 step programs like NA or AA. part of that is the forth step, making amends. This is a process of making a list of the people who you have harmed, and, where possible, and safe, doing what you can to make amends. That might be apologising, that might be returning money that you stole if you did. It might be helping others to make up for the harm you did.

You can't undo the harm you did. But you can make amends. And grieve the shame.

Also I believe that it is important to look at the source of that shame before you were using. A study of iv drug users in Holland many years ago found that 80 percent had been abused as children. So there is a reasonable probability that something happened to you that you were using drugs to mask the shame.

That doesn't excuse any harm that you caused, but that betrayal of trust, if it happened, can also be grieved, in a healthy and supportive way, and healed.

Good luck with your journey. It isn't easy. But I promise that if you keep working, it will get better.

Have you tried 12 step programs? Consider coda.org. By learning boundaries for myself and others I have learned to love myself and walk in the acceptance prayer as my “mantra” that I can’t change the past, I can focus on me and take care of me and have forgiveness and love for myself. It’s an entire new freedom!

Been there done that. Best advice? My guilt was so bad after I got clean that at times I would just have tears coming down my face and I’m a guy. The guilt fucked with me for a while so I fully understand. What worked for me? I learned that everyone makes mistakes and that growing up I didn’t have a good upbringing and I realized why I went to opiates to forget the shit that’s in my life. I’m a human who made mistakes. Who realizes it now and wants to make it better. So what I’m saying is only time and the realization that it wasn’t really your fault you can’t blame yourself fully. I used to buy then I understood why I did what I did. I’m human, your human. Let it go through you and understand your a human who made mistakes. I don’t know if you also went through shit like I did when I was young but it doesn’t matter your human it happened. Let it through you feel it and time will make you understand. It’s all about once your clean are you the same shitty person or good to yourself and those who are around you that counts. Once you clean up and change who it made you became and learn it’s from certain things it happened the guilt will go. Right now I have no guilt at all. But at one point just thinking of my family I start tearing till my tear ducts dry. I’m good now knowing why and I haven’t shed a single tear. It just takes time and for you to realize the truth. I know it’s hard because society doesn’t help it just always make you feel like your the problem your the criminal your the bad one but in reality we are victims and now that I know this I don’t have guilt BUT I now make sure I do my best for my family and good people around me and I have cut off everyone whose bad or a peace of shit and there lot of those always in our lives. Good luck wish you the best. Don’t let your guilt put you in a while I was in for a long time where I always feared or cried and let it get the best of me please it’s a dark place I was in for a while before I learned this. So best of luck msg me if you need any help talking through anything.

Highly recommended. Get the Feeling Good handbook and actually do the stupid exercises. Also, you might be able to get some help through NA. Meetings, a sponsor.

As you know, the way you are thinking now is a threat to your sobriety.

Do you have someone you can talk to? I shared a similar set of feelings and found talk therapy extremely helpful. Is classify myself as low but constant depression for most of my adult life and wish I had tried therapy ten years earlier.

Practice gratitude. It's so simple, but has been scientifically shown to increase feel-good chemicals, and reduce depression.

Keep a gratitude journal. Practice telling people what you appreciate about them. Pray. Whatever you do, consciously look for things in your life to be greatful for.

I think the bigger issue is that you probably had some mental health problems before you ever did drugs. Most people on drugs do. There have actually been some very interesting studies. Mostly on rats. But the ones that have a good life don’t find drugs overly appealing. They can take them or leave them but no big deal. I would recommend improving your life. In multiple ways. First I would make sure that you were improving yourself professionally. Go to school. Get a degree. Enter a job training program. Like welding or carpentry or something. Get yourself a good paying job. Secondly, you will want to improve yourself morally. Do something that makes the world a better place. Where you can feel yourself giving back. Maybe volunteer at a hospital, holding opiate addicted babies in the Nicu, while they scream and cry for the first few weeks of their lives. You may even get to talk to the mothers and help them through a very guilty time in their own lives. Just a suggestion. That really anything works. Something where you get a daily reminder that you are a good person, even if you were not before.

Increase your "fuck it" factor... It works a charm

Part of recovery is forgiveness of the past. Including yourself

The sky is always the limit for your upside potential. Do great things now. Be kind and attentive to the needs of others, lose yourself in the service of others and you will find a true and lasting joy. Most will (all should) forgive your past life moments of weakness.

Have you tried AA? It’s legit the only option I’ve come across that is even halfway viable. I haven’t gone that route though, but I know all about it because I have been in 5 inpatient rehabs for drug use. I too used IV opiates, and everything else, for a long time in my past. I no longer use hard drugs, but still use weed and alcohol regularly, which keeps me feeling guilty and dirty. After halfway studying several different religious ideologies, learning about psychology, and understanding myself and the world a littler better, I have come to the conclusion that people do not magically get better or improve. They must put in some kind of honest work based on real principles.

Edit: hit reply too soon. The reason I think a 12 step program is good is because it created a great framework for improving one’s psychological health. It helps you differentiate between things you can affect and things you cannot, it helps you be connected to others with the same problem, it calls for you to write down specific things you don’t like about yourself and tell them to another person, which is scary, and it creates feedback. I hope you find what you need, good luck!

So, context: I come from a family with addiction issues but have somehow avoided them to this point in my life.

That said, on a long enough timeline, every person with the slightest bit of self awareness will do/has done things that bring overwhelming shame. We are all fallible human beings.

It is the fact that you are TRYING to do better, that you are making an effort to go down a different path, that makes you immediately worthy of respect. It’s so easy to fall back into the comfort of the devil that we know.

If there are specific individuals that you’ve harmed, reach out. Let them know how you feel and that you’ve changed. You cannot control their response, but you will sleep better knowing you left nothing unsaid.

I wish you the best of luck. Growth without suffering is impossible, as man is both the sculptor and the clay.

You sound like a terrible person, only caring about yourself. You are trying to avoid feeling guilty but you don’t mention any effort on fixing your mistakes, or apologize to people you hurt and find can you do to compensate for what you did to them. Maybe you should feel guilty.

A sweet person that wants to feel better without taking any steps to mend their mistakes or apologize for the awful things they did? Instead of taking the steps to feel better, they just want something to “forget” what they did. The type of behaviour that gets people into drugs.

That’s a pretty ignorant comment to have made in my opinion. You made that assumption off of an incredibly insignificant amount of knowledge about me, or the kind of person I am, OR the efforts I’ve made since being sober to fix things. Who the fuck are you to tell me that I haven’t apologized? That I haven’t made efforts to better the lives of those I’ve hurt in the past? All because I didn’t mention that in my r/LIFEPROTIP request post? (Emphasis on the “request” part) So why do you even comment?

To each their own I guess?

You didn’t mention a single word about apologizing. If you really are a good person and want to feel better, you would have realized that any steps you took to mend your mistakes is the most important thing to mention. Not your half ass therapy or religion or whatever. Those are for your own benefit, not for the benefit of the people you hurt. Since you are not getting it, it kinds of confirms my assessment.

There was a lot of “important” information about me that was left out of that post. You made an ignorant assumption of me based off of about idk 75 words? This is something I really struggle with and have for a long time, and if I don’t fix it, it’s going to take me back out. I was genuinely asking for any help anyone had, because this life or death for me personally.

But you went out of your way to try and make me feel small and unworthy, because I didn’t include that I have apologized and tried to fix things? Because it’s “important to you”?

Yet I sound like the terrible person?

One last thing, you also tried to make sound like a selfish person because I wanted advice on how to heal, but the main and really the only current reason I want to heal is so that I can continue to be there and continue being a good mom to 4 year old son, to give him the life he deserves. One thing I am not, is selfish. I’m incredibly selfless actually, to a fault.

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Bottom line is you know nothing about me…. And you seem like you have poor judge of character based off your comments. You made yourself sound incredibly shallow.

Seems counter intuitive at first, but stop being selfish. Your guilt is your empathy, it is part of living as a simian. But it is there to inspire you to DO better. DO things for others. Don't think so hard about it. From a social standpoint, we are our actions. So DO things that help others. Since you can't change the past, make the future brighter for others. Volunteers are needed everywhere, and NGOs are organized to utilize your help. Be regular about it (like every weekend). Find a local group that is directly helping people and pitch in.

You don’t know that. Unless you have first-hand knowledge about this person and their struggle, you are reading into it.