[23M] [57M] My father refuses to accept I don't want a relationship with him. How do I end it for good?

Submitted by BringbackDreamBars t3_zzm7ga in relationship_advice

For context, my parents split when I was around 11, and honestly, I found it super difficult, especially as my dad moved in with his partner the literal week after he left, and brought me to her(being 20 years younger). This aside, I chose not to visit, as well, I felt like not happy at his house.

Here's the context of my current problem, my dad always messages me 3 times a year on special occasions asking to talk. He did it on my birthday,moms wedding and sometime around christmas. The problem I have with him is that is the messages are always accusing me, or otherwise not polite ("Are you mature enough to talk with me son", " you owe me respect", etc). So I usually block him.

The problem I have is that he uses multiple accounts, so I like I could block him on one and hed keep messaging me on another. I have tried to be civil, even wishing him well, but he says I need to be mature and see him.

I have been thinking about this for a while, and honestly, I see no other option that insulting him or something so that he wont want to know me, or something like that. I know this is a super immature way, but just blocking him on social media isnt enough, its just that he always gonna see a chance that someday I am gonna change. Whats the other options? I can't do legal stuff as we live in different countries.

TLDR: Dad wont stop trying to reconnect. I have decided to burn the bridge for good, but have no idea about how to do it without being immature.

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aizukiwi t1_j2ci8so wrote

I genuinely thought this was about one of my sisters. What I did with my asshat father was send him one final email. I wrote it as though I was emailing an employer - very formal, very calm, no name calling or rudeness, just “for reasons x x and x, I have no reason to continue this relationship and henceforth consider it terminated. Do not contact me again.” Then move on. Don’t respond to any messages. Don’t even read them. Refuse to engage, and they lose.

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allsheneedsisaburner t1_j2cig4w wrote

You have to look at it like you would a stalking situation. Or like leaving any abusive relationship.

I had to repeatedly change my number. I had to go No Contact over and over. I had to reprogram my brain not to respond to the baiting and the natural need for a parents love (that I was never going to get)

I had to grieve.

I have no social media that identifies me as myself.

There are a lot of support subs for estrangement. And I suggest Dr. Ramani (Durvasula) on YouTube.

The best advice is never to respond, they feed off attention, good or bad doesn’t matter.

This site gets posted all the time here on reddit, its the missing reasons post, but this whole site is a excellent resourse.

Good luck to you and you derserve to be free.

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Catisbackthatsafact t1_j2cm46w wrote

You're not being immature at all, your dad is. You're allowed to not want someone to be part of your life. He knows you don't want to talk to him but because he wants to, he's trying to force it. Even if his talk was about his upcoming apology for childhood, which I doubt, you're still allowed to decide that you don't want it. He knows, because you don't block people you want to talk to.

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pinuslaughus t1_j2ckqpr wrote

You could reply that you find that his treatment of you is condescending and disrespectful and you do not owe anyone respect. Respect is earned and he isn't anywhere close to receiving that from you. I think your father is angry because you rebuff his attempts to communicate with you. Tell him you still aren't ready to talk to him and his approach is making you not want to try. Tell him to not communicate with you until a future date like your next birthday and you will try to have a conversation if you can.

Have you been to therapy? It might help you.

14

Mountain_Monitor_262 t1_j2cyuak wrote

You probably haven’t been direct enough with him. Send him a lengthy text of everything he did wrong, things he sucks at, and that you don’t care for him being in your life. Put everything that annoys him in that message. He has the nerve to call you immature. He handled his mid life crisis by leaving his family for a 20 something year old girl and abused you to impress his new toy (her). Sounds like your dad doesn’t understand mature so you would need to explain things at his level.

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Admirable_Share_5843 t1_j2e6xtx wrote

That’s laughable. He knows but doesn’t care what he wants but only what he feels is owed to him. Don’t be naive to dysfunctional parental dynamics and their amazing ability to be willfully in denial.

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Mountain_Monitor_262 t1_j2et7qn wrote

Of course his dad has his own fictional scenario in his head. The dad hears the words and it goes out the other ear. That’s why he needs to put it in writing even though his dad denies it. It’s a reminder of what an AH he is. Sending a direct message was the kind, reasonable method. OP could post a letter to his dad on SM with all this instead.

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Admirable_Share_5843 t1_j2ewni4 wrote

It would not matter as long be dealt with this personally myself and you tell them in any and all ways and they still “won’t know why”. It’s because they do not want to know and just want you (OP in this case) to do what they want to do and to hell with what you want or need.

So OP should just stop playing their game and drop the rope and move on.

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Admirable_Share_5843 t1_j2e6fcv wrote

Cease and desist letter from your lawyer (get a good lawyer) and if he persists follow up with a restraining order (or your local equivalent) to legally keep him away and enforce it vigorously as needed.

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Realistic-Airport775 t1_j2d2y55 wrote

You want these to stop, no matter what you do it is unlikely they will.

Instead you can change how you see it as just a message, he doesn't keep doing it and putting on pressure, he doesn't get anyone else to pressure you either. So you really could just keep one email channel open, put a message saying "thank you for your email". And just keep ignoring it.

Keep in mind that you are in control of responding back, so he gets nothing in return for his messages. I wouldn't even block them, just regard them as an annoyance that you have to be reminded he exists a couple of times a year.

You could create an email account that would just route the emails into a black hole, pretty much the same as now. Block everything else but leave one channel he can send to and think that you are receiving them.

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TheMocking-Bird t1_j2d92o3 wrote

I'd change my number first before doing something like this. If you're careful with who you give it out to, then he shouldn't be able to find it. Short of that, you could potentially go to court and make this official since it's basically harassment. Reaching out and insulting him to get away is still contact, and may just encourage him to keep trying.

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BringbackDreamBars OP t1_j2da6ue wrote

Its social media, so unfortunately, cant do that.

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TheMocking-Bird t1_j2dap2q wrote

Got it. You can still do this through court, at least here in the states. Looking into it wouldn't hurt.

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Ayo1912 t1_j2dy4l0 wrote

Maybe you're tired, I get that, but keep on blocking him. Do not type a single word to him, do not answer his phone calls and when you accidentally do because you didn't know it was him, immediately hang up and block. Keep blocking and not responding.

Put your social media on private so people have to ask access first.

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Jen5872 t1_j2el3q0 wrote

Change your number and delete your socials for awhile. He can't contact you if he doesn't have your phone number or socials.

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Cautious_Salad_245 t1_j2eyujn wrote

Tell him maybe you are being immature but you don’t see it that way right now and you don’t want him to contact you anymore, and if you change your mind you will contact him.

Don’t know if he will respect that or not but it’s a mature response.

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[deleted] t1_j2f110l wrote

I can see why you don't want to be with him. So don't hang up, ask him if he is old enough to take responsibility for being a crap husband and father to you? After than just hang up and block whatever number.

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WildlyUninteresting t1_j2cfqw7 wrote

What is your actual problem with your dad? His messages are about him wanting you to talk with him. Though not empathetic, they aren’t unreasonable without a greater context.)

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BringbackDreamBars OP t1_j2cgy6u wrote

Pretty much, I had a horrendous time when I went to his house. I used to have to sit upstairs because I called his wife her full name rather than her nickname, and honestly, he never tried to engage with me at all because I wasnt friendly with his new wife, all the activities and everything was conditional on me accepting her, the literal week after he left.

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WildlyUninteresting t1_j2chb41 wrote

So you both handled it poorly.

Is that really reason to end your entire contact with your dad?

You are 23 now. Putting aside how they pressured you. Was it unreasonable for them to want you to be respectful? You were angry at him but unfortunately his decisions weren’t based on your happiness. That’s a tough position for both of you.

−28

Cool_Story_Bro__ t1_j2crc8c wrote

He handled it poorly? Of course he did. He was 11. It’s not his job to handle it well. It’s his.

You’ve never had had shitty parent that makes you feel like crap for just being yourself huh?

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WildlyUninteresting t1_j2cs225 wrote

That is true but it’s time to revisit the issue as an adult.

Feeling shitty didn’t have to last forever. The father wants to mend it but can’t without meeting half way.

−17

Cool_Story_Bro__ t1_j2cuy4d wrote

“It’s time to revisit this issue as an adult”

Why?

What has the father done to earn the right to mend?

Just because someone wants to fix a relationship doesn’t mean you have to.

He asks him not to contact her and he continuously violates his requests. This shows a lack of respect for his feelings, his agency, and his intelligence. Which sounds a lot like what he did when he was young.

Trust, love, and respect are earned.

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WildlyUninteresting t1_j2cv9bi wrote

How does he earn it unless they talk?

−1

Cool_Story_Bro__ t1_j2cw0g7 wrote

OP is asking his dad to not contact him, to give him some time to figure out his feelings to know what he wants to say when they talk.

Violating that requests means there’s no point in talking because his behavior says it all. He is telling his son his feelings don’t matter. He his telling him that whatever happens between them has to be on the father’s terms. He’s telling him that he hasn’t changed. He earns it by not contacting him like requested.

You admitted that you have no experience with an situation like this. It’s not that simple. You love your dad and can’t understand not giving him the chance to talk with you about something. This isn’t about you. Your experience and viewpoint is not the one everyone else has.

Honestly your comments are ignorant and oblivious of the intense emotions that come along with situations like this, which are often tied up with childhood trauma.

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WildlyUninteresting t1_j2cw4qd wrote

Lots of emotional responses.

It’s understandable but it doesn’t help long term.

0

Cool_Story_Bro__ t1_j2cwfik wrote

Help what?

He doesn’t want a relationship with his dad. That is a perfectly fine decision.

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WildlyUninteresting t1_j2cwm8h wrote

Hence the original comments.

It may not be the wise decision if this issue could be resolved.

0

Cool_Story_Bro__ t1_j2cwtoi wrote

Are you just trolling?

Your original comment was “you both handled it poorly,” and the gist of “get over it and just talk to him.”

So you’re really blaming him for his dad’s fault when he was 11 and now.

Your an AH. I’m not gonna reply anymore.

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WildlyUninteresting t1_j2cx04r wrote

How else do they fix it?

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BringbackDreamBars OP t1_j2d9jo3 wrote

Im not interested in fixing this, as far as I´m concerned. We are done for the forseeable future.

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gurlwithdragontat2 t1_j2dv2zz wrote

They don’t.

OP does not want to.

There is nothing to fix.

The father can want a relationship all he wants. I want an infinite bank account. We all want things.

BUT I cannot go out and demand others money, or decided that all money on earth is mine. I can want that, but I would have to trample others to get it. Now people could decided to give me all their money, and that would be sweet! But unreasonable, because I didn’t earn it.

I’m the dad. The relationship with the son is the money. His father is not entitled to a relationship with him.

Just by virtue of ej*culating in other person once X number of years ago, does not entitle you to the time, energy, or relationship with that person once they reach adulthood. If your child decides they don’t want to have a relationship with you, NO MATTER THE LEVEL OF EVOLVEMENT GROWING UP OR HOW GOOD/BAD YOU THINK YOU WERE AS A PARENT ;then they just don’t, and there’s absolutely nothing you can do about that.

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aizukiwi t1_j2ci1ro wrote

What are you talking about? He’s entirely unreasonable.

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WildlyUninteresting t1_j2ci8vv wrote

Because…

−10

aizukiwi t1_j2ciigx wrote

The father moved his side piece in a week later and expected the kids to be okay. That’s so disrespectful - as someone whose parent has done the same thing. Then the passive agressive “are you mature enough to talk with me now” things. That’s something my own father did/does regularly to myself and my other siblings. Only 5 out of 6 of us still have any sort of relationship with him for the exact same reasons. Respect begets respect, and his father has shown him 0.

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WildlyUninteresting t1_j2cixbm wrote

So 12 years later. The goal is to never work past the father moving on?

He didn’t do it to hurt the child. Unfortunately he was just upset about the situation. Understandable but that is also part of life.

His other comments though aggressive are accurate. This is a grudge from childhood. He could handle it better but not being a great communicator isn’t call for ending a relationship. Unless there are other circumstances beyond that move out.

−7

aizukiwi t1_j2cjehj wrote

With the greatest possible respect, that’s a load of bs. It shouldn’t be the CHILD’S responsibility to be the mature and civil one. The father lost respect and the relationship through his actions and words. Moving on ISN’T the issue, and if you can’t see that then I can’t help you. It’s how he handled moving on, and then the way he harasses and talks to his son now. I have a parent exactly like this. I couldn’t care less about his girlfriends, or his now-fiance. Good for them. May they be happy. But he lost the right to a relationship with his kids after the years of constant disrespect and hassling, and it reads exactly like this case.

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WildlyUninteresting t1_j2cjzay wrote

With that same respect, you still sound like an angry child.

Holding a grudge for the rest of your life will only continue to scar you. You sound miserable.

Being angry because he moved on won’t help you. That’s just it. You needed to start caring. A lack of care is the problem.

0

aizukiwi t1_j2ckd1r wrote

I’m fine, happy with my life. I’m apathetic to him, but people like you are infuriating. This conversation is all too familiar. The child in the situation gets blamed for getting themselves out of a toxic cycle because “why can’t you forgive them” or “things have changed” or “why can’t you be more mature?” Since when is it not mature to recognize a toxic relationship and want to remove yourself from it?

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WildlyUninteresting t1_j2cku37 wrote

Nothing you say shows happiness or apathy. That hostility is unresolved.

It’s too familiar because that’s what you need to do. Holding on to this grudge won’t help you. That’s the difference between still looking at it like a child and growing some awareness as an adult.

Your relationship isn’t OP. So we have no details. OP hasn’t explained anything toxic. Just unfortunate. Hence asking for clarification.

−2

the6souls t1_j2cx4sz wrote

You don't seem to understand that some issues don't need to be moved past. I would understand your position if the father didn't also prove how little he actually cares about how OP feels, repeatedly, by making new accounts to get around being blocked.

I'm sorry, but if you ever have to make extra accounts to continue contacting someone who blocked you, you're automatically an asshole, and you're only proving that the person who blocked you was 100% correct in doing so.

4

WildlyUninteresting t1_j2cxfm5 wrote

So you would want your dad to give up on you because at 11 you both had a fight and you left?

Then 10 years later, you still resented a childhood fight? Never trying to make up?

−1

the6souls t1_j2cyjta wrote

No, I would want my dad to give up on me when I repeatedly fucking blocked him. No is a full response. If that father lacked the ability to listen and accept responses from me, then it would only make my life worse to have continued contact with that person.

There is no reason, absolutely none, that makes it okay to harass someone. That's what this is. Making new accounts to keep bothering someone is harassment, the reason why is irrelevant.

It's concerning you don't see repeated, unwanted contact in spite of clear communication to that effect, as a bad thing.

3

WildlyUninteresting t1_j2d0fdf wrote

Concerning you don’t see the bigger issues.

This is an issue that may be resolved with communication.

You would want your dad to give up on you. That’s unfortunate but explains a lot.

0

the6souls t1_j2d0ocl wrote

What issue is bigger than harassment? Why are you defending someone who is repeatedly harassing someone else?

Anyone who does this shit is a pathetic loser, without exception. OP does not want this contact. Their father needs to get over himself. If he cared about OP, he wouldn't go against his wishes. The father clearly doesn't give a damn about OP, or he would listen to what OP's actions say.

If you need me to be even more exhaustive in explaining this very simple concept, let me know.

2

WildlyUninteresting t1_j2d138b wrote

> What issue is bigger than harassment?

The fight that started this rift.

> Why are you defending someone who is repeatedly harassing someone else?

Because of the reasons for the harassment.

> Anyone who does this shit is a pathetic loser, without exception.

That’s ridiculous. You just skipped understanding reasons and judged without context.

> OP does not want this contact.

Yes. But is that really in his best interest? Wanting something doesn’t make it necessarily wise.

> Their father needs to get over himself.

He’s trying to by communicating.

> If he cared about OP, he wouldn't go against his wishes.

He may feel there are deeper issues and want to solve them.

> The father clearly doesn't give a damn about OP, or he would listen to what OP's actions say.

No. He just has a different goal.

> If you need me to be even more exhaustive in explaining this very simple concept, let me know.

Don’t worry. I explained it back for you instead.

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the6souls t1_j2elr95 wrote

You're an idiot, and this is a waste of time. No, some fight ten years ago is not a bigger issue than a literal crime.

2