Hey Rev,

Well, this was just delightful in a horrifying kind of way. Kind of impressive actually.

> The peppermint sticks, Burt was dismayed to find, were so coated in dust that they looked pink and grey.

Like, why? Just why? I loved this description here but not so much the mental image it gave me. These are all great things but the way. I loved the portrayal of Burt here, his suspiciousness, his careful manoeuvring and then his reaction at eh end.

I do just have a few bits and bobs for you,

> Burt stood by the grimy soda fountain, which rained rust on him if he brushed it,

The last bit of this sentence read a bit weird to me. I feel like just saying it was a rusty fountain may read better? But that might just be me.

> He pulled out a shirttail and gave them a swipe, removing at least a year or two of dust, and set them on the counter.

I think mentioning the colour change could help here. What was the colour with the dust on and how did it change after the wipe? Something like that could help.

I hope this helps.

Good Words!

Hey Ginger,

I really liked the emotion here, and the way that you showed it.

> Jasmine pursed her lips to smother her chuckles as the pain continued to rise. It lapped the edges of her heart.

I loved this, and the continuation of the personification throughout the piece too. It did a really great job of showing how her sorrow and pain built up.

I do just have a few bits and bobs for you though,

> She stood between two police officers, one of them clutching her backpack. And before her stood Sergeant Geraldine Scott.

Just "stood" twice kind of close together here. Nothing major really.

> “This is the seventh government building you’ve vandalized,”

Here I think more information could help. Was this an ongoing issue where she had vandalised property over weeks/months? Or is this all in one go?

Similarly, what about the sister? When did she pass? How old was she? I only ask because it's a little difficult to deduce if this is a pain Jasmine has been going through for a while now, or if it's something new and recent.

I hope this helps.

Good Words!

Hey Duke,

I think you've done a wonderful job here with the speech format of storytelling. Whilst the only dialogue was from Jonathan, you do a good job of showing the crowd's reaction.

> he added to a few laughs from the students.

A nice detail to add. I also liked how you used the few dialogue tags that are there to really characterise how the teacher spoke. What he was doing and so on.

I do just have a few bits and bibs for you though,

> Looks of confusion scattered around the economics lecture hall at Saint Stephen's. "Macro" and "Micro" fit the class,

First: The first bit of this line reads a bit strange to me. I feel like "were shared" may work better over "scattered"? It just feels like the sentence is incomplete, but that could just be me.

Second: using quotation marks ('') rather than speech marks ("") for ""Macro" and "Micro"" may be better. I just say this because you have speech in this piece, so it can be confusing if these two words are actually spoken, or just quoted.

> You have spent this year learning a cold, mechanical, macro view.

And finally, I think telling us that this is the end of the year a bit earlier could help. I assumed that this was a start-of-year speech by the teacher. 'You're about to learn so and so, but always remember this' kind of thing.

It could help if you referenced how far the students were into the course a little earlier.

But as for all of these things, it could just be preference stuff, so feel free to use or not use it.

I hope this helps.

Good Words!

Hey Tom,

I really liked some of the lines in here.

> how grief is a flood of love persevering

Such an excellent way of describing grief and what it actually represents.

> we walk from class with a cloud of dragonflies lifting our feet > Our notebook and our heart > filled up a little bit more.

And of course, there's the bit that you ended the piece so well with.

I do have a few bits and bobs for you,

Just one, really.

And that is about the format. A few times it felt like the linebreaks simply broke up an otherwise complete sentence. It just made it a little harder to read.

> The true secret of happiness lies in taking a genuine interest > in all the details of daily life.

Here for instance. So I guess what I'm saying is I'm not sure why you have so many linebreaks. Though that absolutely could just be me.

I hope this helps.

Good Words!

Hey Tubman,

Hey now, I wasn't prepared for this! You can't spring a masterpiece like this on us right when we least expect it. The feelings, dude. Think about the feelings.

But okay, seriously now. I really loved the perspective of this story. Like you're talking to the reader here. I loved the metaphor of the book. And how you've managed to include both the briefness of life, yet the sheer beauty of it too.

And of course, I really loved the delivery story too.

The only bit of crit I do have is in regards to making a certain detail more believable. But if this is a true story, that doesn't really matter.

Good Words!

Hey Xack,

Heck, you do such an amazing job with descriptions here. The pictures you paint are so amazing.

> It was like holding the perfection of imperfection a thousand times over, every grain astounding in it's own right.

The side-by-side use of "perfect of imperfections" was really great touch. And similarly, the repetition of "wonder" so close together near the end is just so awesome.

I also liked the cosmic irony you pointed out further down. Out of every star/planet/moon and celestial body in the universe, the earth is the only place that has this kind of sand. And even then, humans don't have the capability to admire its beauty. Very well done.

I do just have a few bits and bobs for you though,

> every grain astounding in it's own right.

A simple grammar error here I think. "its" over "it's".

> Byra had seen many marvelous things on her first trip to earth.

I don't think you need this line here. By the end of the story, I get the feeling that Byra is rather new to Earth and sand is the first big thing that really captured her attention. Near the end, she imagines what else she could find on the planet after more exploration.

So the line above kind of contradicts that a little. Or at least makes me want to know what else she's seen.

> lifting her head to star at the earth-bound sky,

I think you want "stare" over "star" here.

> might break way her when the next sun rises.

I'm not too sure what this line is meant to be. But unless I'm completely missing the meaning, I think it needs to be reworded?

I hope this helps.

Good Words!

Hey Kat,

If there's ever been a story with a more satisfying ending, please send it my way. Because I don't think it exists.

There are so many things I loved about this. The focus on her accent and the way you displayed it in her speech was a really nice touch. I also really liked the entire set-up itself and how you tied the quote so well into the story.

I do just have a few bits and bobs for you though,

> Twirling a curl pensively as if the thought alone was too much effort, Sally inquired.

I think switching this to being a comment by Edwin could help the narrative. Here you're telling us that she looks...dumb. And whilst it hints at the ending where we learn that it's all an act, I feel like it could help build Edwin's character if he made the observation that Sally looked like she was confused. I hope that makes sense.

> Let me put it simple-like for a woman’s tiny brain.

And here, the comment "a woman's tiny brain" snagged me a bit. It just read a bit too comically and it didn't really fit Edwin's 'sophisticated' manner if that makes sense. I think something like "a woman's simple brain" may work better maybe?

These are small nitpicks though and absolutely just my opinion, so feel absolutely free to ignore them. You just write too well for me to find anything else.

I hope this helps.

Good Words

Hey seven,

Haha, darn whacky engineers. Always ignoring their assignments in favour of designing far too expensive flagships in the shape of sea leviathans.

But anyway, I loved the sheer amount of description and tension you managed to add here in such few words.

> Fins flashed and serpents snarled, and Tinker escaped their ravenous jaws only by the hairs on the tip of his tail. As he flapped back to the dirigible, braying accusations at his master,

The description of the contraption as well as the sea dragons themselves was really good. And I liked the bit of humour with the donkey there at the end.

I just have a few bits and bobs for you,

> A fin here, a wing there, an arch of precisely this degree, a lever, a hinge, a length of rope, and a whole lot of paint and silver and gold.

I think adding a period rather than a comma after "degree" could make the story read a bit better. It's a fairly long sentence. Also, at this point, we don't know what Dedalus has planned. I assumed he was just sketching the shape and look of these animals, not trying to model a ship after them. So adding a period here could do well to highlight the "lever" and "hinge" and such. Things that don't really make sense until you get to the end of the story. But that's just a small thought.

> The king, bemused by the spectacle of an exhausted-yet-overenthusiastic engineer, stroked his beard in contemplation.

One small issue here, this line makes it seem like the king doesn't know who Dedalus is specifically. He knows Dedalus is an engineer, but that's about it. It fit at first, as I initially assumed Dedalus was some random rogue engineer who had just burst into the king's throne room with his passion project. But in the end, we learn that the king actually specifically instructed him earlier. I hope this makes sense.

"...an exhausted-yet-overenthusiastic Dedalus..." could work better, maybe.

> Dedalus remembered the foreign port he'd floated out to see.

This line didn't make much sense to me. Did he float by the port? Or was that the port he went to? Just a bit confused with the wording.

I hope this helps.

Good Words!

Hey Poetry,

I guess it's a given but I love the poetic language here. The idea of one person thriving at the expense of another is done so well here. And I really like how you exaggerate that to the point of one person living at the expense of another's life. You've done that really well there at the start.

I also like the growth and change you show throughout this poem. How this person goes from incredulous at the idea of sacrificing for someone else to acceptance.

I just have a few bits and bobs for you,

A brief couple, really.

> For a bout of my sadness is low price for your smile to be preserved.

Incredibly tiny nitpick but I think you want an "a" before "low".

Second, I do wonder how this poem would look and read if it were sorted into stanzas. It reads great right now as one block, but maybe stanzas could help?

> But I love you so dearly that I know its only right to let you prosper,

A new stanza after this line could fit the change of mood and theme. Though that's a small suggestion, so feel free to ignore.

I hope this helps.

Good Words!

Hey Astro,

I really liked how you captured John's predicament here. His main issue with his life.

> His recovery would capture their hearts. Minor setbacks would be large obstacles, and small victories would be grand triumphs.

Lines like these were excellent. It shows how his life is so boring now, that even a minor step forward or back could be a momentous occasion for him.

I do just have a few bits and bobs for you though,

> Everyone would cry and support with him.

I think you just have a start "with" here that you don't need.

> Until he sat next to that old woman on the bus.

Here, I think it would work better if this line were on its own paragraph. showing the transition from talking about John's past and childhood to now his present and the bus ride.

> John smiled as emotions stirred with him.

I think you just want a "within" rather than "with" here.

> Would you said you're the same way?" she asked.

And finally, just a "say" here instead of "said".

I hope this helps.

Good Words!

Thank you! Having some fun with this one.

#Found

Part 2

It had been a long time since Justin had heard the words ‘Lights Out’. And good thing too, those words held an ominous meaning in the world of spies and agents. It meant the end was near. That safe havens were falling by the dozen and all whilst no remedy was in sight.

It was usually reserved for when a nation was near its end. When the coup, revolt, invading force or whatever else was threatening its security was drawing dangerously near. Justin supposed that a world-ending force rather than simply a nation-ending force deserved a somewhat cooler name than ‘Lights Out’, but it worked nonetheless.

“The Lost are approaching on all sides. At a snail’s pace, sure, but they’re approaching nonetheless,” the woman announced to the small collection of very powerful people in the briefing room. Incredibly wealthy elites. Politicians with more power than some nations. Some of the collective spy agencies’ best operatives. A few choice cats. Justin only liked one of those categories.

“So how do we defend ourselves?” Simone asked from her little table. Justin noted with some amusement that she had failed to distinguish between the small table and a seat. And promptly sat on said table as if it were a chair. Justin was also surprised to note that Simone was far more alert and attentive during this briefing. About as attentive as he should probably be.

“We don’t,” the woman started, eyeing Simone as if she too were surprised. “Forty-two days prior, we came into possession of a rather fascinating artefact. Agent Satter has been examining it just this morning.” As if on cue, all eyes in the room turned to Justin. Even the cats.

Raising his hand, Justin gave the occupants of the room a clear view of the crystal, its electric-blue glow almost uncomfortably bright. With so many eyes on him, Justin felt the urge to do something silly, inject some humour into an otherwise dreadfully boring briefing.

Without a second thought and still with the room’s collection of eyes on him, Justin twirled about on the spot, shaking his hands in a bizarre mix of a wave and a frantic gesture for help. He was trying to dance. Nobody even cracked a smile. Damn.

“Anyway,” the woman continued, ignoring Justin’s failed attempt at a celebratory boogie dance. “We’ve had sufficient time to test the shard and its purported abilities quite extensively. And I am happy to announce that it does in fact work.

It’s fine, Justin thought glumly. People are embarrassed by impromptu dancing, but I love it. History is nothing more than a tableau of crimes and misfortunes. And these people are the sum of that. So who cares if they don’t appreciate my sick moves? Simone certainly does. But peaking over, Justin was repulsed to find that Simone was not in fact amused by his outburst. In fact, she wasn’t even paying him any mind. She was a strange woman indeed.

“And we’ve also been able to confirm that the crystal remains enchanted after being broken up. And that each resulting shard’s potency depends on its size.” Looking at the piece in his hand, Justin noted again the odd edges and sharpened corners. As if what he was holding was merely broken off from a larger piece.

“Therefore.” The woman turned on the projector to reveal a map of the world, and a tiny red circle encompassing an island just East off the coast of England. “Our plan involves using the crystal to wipe out the Lost once and for all. And seeing as we haven’t yet figured out how to replicate its specific material, we’ll need to use what we have.”

She pointed a laser pointer at the projected image, circling the small island again. “With the piece in hand, Agent Satter and Agent Ciask will be tasked to rendezvous at the coordinates here and locate the nuclear fusion facilities there. The island’s natural sea defences should mean it’s fared better against the invasion. There they will be tasked to load their shard into the reactor core and then activate it. The resulting nuclear meltdown of uncontrolled fusion should by our calculations spread a thin layer of the crystal across the globe, thereby eliminating the Loss in one fell swoop.”

The resulting silence was deafening. And—Justin noted with more than a little concern—the woman seemed to be bracing herself too. A thin sheen of sweat coated her otherwise spotless skin. Despite all the eyes on her, she only looked at him as if waiting for the reality of what she was assigning them to dawn on him.

Justin remained silent, however.

“Well, better get to it then,” Simone piped up suddenly, getting up off her makeshift seat and impersonating Justin’s twirl. “World ain’t gonna save itself, eh?”

WC: 800

Thank you! I was worried that it wasn't open enough actually. Or that I hadn't conveyed enough urgency or something. So super glad to hear you guys liked it!

And again, thank you for the praise!

#Long Long Ago

In the right situation, we are all capable of the most terrible crimes.

That’s what the man showed Dascastus first. Even before speaking to him, he had the sense that this man—Tobias—had done some truly terrible things. He had killed and stolen and fought on no matter the suffering it caused. And yet, he did it for a cause. His first words to Dascastus weren’t heard, for how could the senseless man hear? Even so, he felt them.

‘Just as I see through myself, I saw through you too.’ Dascastus sensed it almost as a threat. Like the strange man from another time was insulting his very being, his way of life… his god.

‘That’s it,’ Dascastus thought, ‘these are words against the monster in the sky, not me. I may be an arrogant sinful fool but I’m certainly not that thing.’ Even so, he felt uneasy around this man who had seen more eras than should have been possible. He felt as if this time; his sacred hell of punishment, was being breached. Invaded by a being that wasn’t supposed to be there. And yet, Dascastus felt at peace., so he simply accepted the shock and the knock to his understanding of time.

The man beckoned him to follow, Dascastus didn’t know how he knew but it didn’t matter much to him. He followed willingly and they walked for a time. Dascastus looked up to what he believed was the sky and saw a caliginous form clouding the darkness. Again, Dascastus had no idea how he knew the thing was there but he did, and it made him shiver regardless of his inability to feel cold.

For some reason, around the man Dascastus felt things lighten a bit, his senses were just as dead as ever but he still felt like the darkness thinned slightly. As if his afflictions were being cured somehow. Dascastus continued on his walk beside the man, growing calmer and happier at the intruder invading his land.

Besides him though, Dascastus sensed the man’s awkward gait, as if he were walking unnaturally. It seemed as if this man—Tobias—had learnt all the steps of walking like a normal person, but simply reversed the ordering of the steps and made do. It was strange.

Dascastus continued to marvel at the man’s strange steps as he followed his lead. The more his thoughts cleared, the more his curiosity awoke and the more he wanted to know who this man really was.

Wc: 413