I love that you know you and she aren’t having the same outlook. Kudos to not only being self-aware but wanting to address it before it becomes a huge relationship issue.

Be the hero. Sit down and talk about it. She likes to tidy when done w a meal. Makes cooking the next meal, in a clean kitchen, so much easier! What you can do is find the 5 tasks she hates. Own them. If she hates bathrooms then you become the bathroom king w an agreed upon frequency. That’s the trade off. She never has to do the bathrooms again but she can’t say anything if you stick to the agreed upon frequency which is weekly. Pushed to 10 days absolute max and know she will get itchy after day 7.

Find something that balances out the housework. As you know, it never ends. Good luck.

We had a household once where we took turns doing the dishes. It was your turn until you did all of them. If you waited a coupla days it was still your turn, but the stack was higher. Kind of self limiting behavior for the slackers.

My wife and I are similar to your situation. One thing i've found to help me is to use what i call the commercial method. We use Hulu a lot so we got the subscription with commercials same as Youtube. When i watch something every commercial that comes on I get up and look for 1 thing to do. It doesn't seem like much when you are doing it but after 2 hours and 4 commercials i had swept and mopped each room downstairs. It's cleaning but at 5-10 minute intervals while i am watching a show i enjoy.

My advice is to agree to a schedule.

In our house we have the following:

“Clean 15”: after every meal, everyone takes 15 minutes to do as much clean up as possible in the kitchen and dining room. If there’s time left, you can tidy up elsewhere, do some dusting, whatever.

“Dirty 30” every other day, everyone does a half hour tidy up in the main areas of the house. Some reduce clutter, others may clean a bathroom. It doesn’t really matter what the specific job is, but it should take a focused effort of about 30 minutes.

“Hour of power” once a week. Everyone commits a full hour to housework. Whatever needs it the most, gets done.

The key rules are:

1. Everyone in the house participates at the same time.

2. Everyone gets as much done as they can in the time specified. No slacking.

3. At the end of the allotted time, everyone stops. - even if there is more that can be done, it can wait for the next dirty thirty.

The simplest one trick rule to a clean house I've learned:

When you do/use something, don't put it down, put it away. Apply this rule to everything and you'll, in theory, always have a clean house.

Example. Eat some snacks? Put them away as soon as you're done. Finished watching TV on the couch, fix pillows and throw blankets as soon as you're done. Right after dinner, rinse dishes and put them in the dishwasher (saves time anyways cuz you don't need to deal with stuck food). Roll out of bed? Make the bed immediately.

Everytime you do a task, put things away once done using it, make it a habit and you'll just have a perpetually clean house. Then just vacuum and do laundry on one of your days off once a week.

Communicate. Do your ways bother her? What are her expectations? My partner and I know each others strengths and weaknesses so it’s pretty straightforward what I need to work on vs what she doesn’t care about. There’s a good chance she knows it’s not your strong suit but it doesn’t bother her. Over communicate, I promise it will be the best thing for your marriage.

If things get complicated, you can always hire a housekeeper. It's cheaper than you think and then you can spend that time together. Just my 2 cents on the matter.

Understand there isn't one right way; if you want to show love her way, take responsibility and don't see it as "helping". Also train each other to say thank you when they notice something was done.

Automate as much as you can afford to.

Get a dishwasher, load it when you've used something, then all you need to do is close the door and switch it on.

Robot vacuums are great, they'll keep basic dust and dirt at bay and more importantly force you to keep stuff off the floor.

Cleaning and tidying are habits, just like most daily activities. You can teach yourself to do it if you really care to.

Set an alarm two or three times a day with a fifteen minute timer. When the alarm goes off, spend that fifteen minutes cleaning something. It will be annoying as hell at first-and that's kinda the point, lol. Hopefully it'll annoy you enough that you'll start doing all those little cleaning tasks as you see them throughout the day instead of waiting for the alarm to do them.

Ask her what things bother her the most.

For example those dishes: why does she feel the need to do them immediately? Is it because she is bothered by the dirty dishes cluttering up the kitchen, or because she doesn't want to do everything all at once at the end of the day when she is already tired?

(Also a dishwasher is a great solver for this specific problem, but I know that is not always a possibility)

By finding out why she does things a certain way, you might start to understand her better, which may help in you being able to see the house through her eyes and picking things up a little quicker.

This can go beyond the actual assigning/completion of tasks. There’s a mental load that is carried by the person that ‘notices’ the things that need to be done and then is responsible for getting the materials from the store, planning to do it or assigning it to another person. There’s these ‘fairplay’ cards that ive been seeing a lot lately. They help people cohabitating realize and communicate about ‘all’ of the things needing to be done around the house, and each person takes on ‘set tasks’ from start to finish.

I would tell my husband to look around using my eyes. His challenge was to pretend my eyes were in his head and he had to find what needed to be done. For context, he was a SAHD and I worked, so he had the lion’s share of the housework (we had a cleaning lady for the hard core cleaning; he just did day-to-day and picking up). For us, that seemed to work and also amused us.

Years ago NPR had this home cleaning expert on. She was asked how to maintain a clean house with a busy adult life. She said there were two paths and to pick one.

Path 1 - once a month take a whole day to clean. Clean the whole house and get it all done and spend the entire day if you need to. When the time comes to clean again your whole home will need it.

Path 2 - once a week you clean one room. Clean it thoroughly. Rotate rooms weekly and by the time that room's turn is up again it will need to be cleaned.

“Don’t put it down, put it back”

Maybe ask her if she thinks a roomba type vacuum would be useful. I bought a knockoff one about 2 years ago and it works great, super helpful to me. It doesn’t have a lot of bells and whistles but it vacuums well and that’s what is important to me. My partner is not a help big with house work and I was feeling like a maid sometimes. He is fantastic otherwise so I decided to find ways to simplify things for myself instead of letting resentment build up. I also bought a countertop dishwasher and it has been a lifesaver, since I cook a lot. And if you don’t have one yet, look into getting an airfryer. These 3 items were worth every penny since they save me about 3-4 hours daily between cooking and cleaning

For me it works to do a small task . Like it’s better to just clean the sink or just vacuum and then start from there . If I feel like cleaning some more, that’s great. If not at least I have cleaned something 🙂

When you are the kind of person who doesn't notice mess, you have to have routines. For example, no need to notice whether or not the living room needs picking up if you just do it every night before bed. No need to notice whether or not the bathroom needs cleaning if you clean it every week.

My suggestion is to follow her lead when it comes to cleaning, but also go at your own pace. You say she likes to clean things as soon as their dirty so you can help here by putting used dishes away, put used clothes in the laundry basket and properly sorted, inverted, whatever.

There's an easy cleaning mantra that will help you:

"Don't put it down; put it away."

If you see your wife cleaning something that's a bigger task offer to help or just start helping. How you did things in the past is not how you will do things in your new family. Your wife might relax over time or she might pretend she is while feeling an underlying feeling of stress that the house isn't more clean.

Just be helpful and do your best. Cleaning is a great time to catch up on podcasts or listen to a book on tape. The Lord of the Rings read by Andy Serkis are really enjoyable.

Your fiancé has the right idea for keeping a clean house.

Generally it takes a minute or two to keep things in a clean condition (loading the dishes as you use them) versus taking longer when you wait to do a “deeper clean” (waiting to load dishes until the end of the day).

Plus cooking in a clean kitchen is just so nice lol

I can't help you with your interpersonal issue, but there are some problems that you can throw money at.

Dishwashers, robot vacuums, kitchen organizers, a dishpan for the few things that really benefit from a soak, an extra laundry basket dedicated for towels, trash and recycling bins in every room, power tub scrubbing brush, for most cleaning nemeses there's a tool to make it easier.

Except for clutter. You're on your own for that one ;-)

I used to be TERRIBLE at this, but I started a habit that has helped me to this day. If I've been in a room and I'm leaving it with no immediate intention to do something important, can I put something out of place away? For example, right now there is a bag of cookies that I was eating for breakfast on the coffee table. The next time I go into the kitchen, I can take that bag of cookies in. At the end of the day, I usually walk through the apartment and kind of do a quick pick up: clothing, remotes put away, dishes that have escaped the kitchen put in the sink, any trash put in a trash can, etc. It does go a long way to making it easier to get started on your deep cleaning if you're not decluttering just to be able to clean.

I use a spreadsheet. Each row has the name of a chore, how often it needs to be done (# of days), and the date it was last done. Then a simple calculation for how many days until the chore will be due again. If that number is zero (or negative), it’s time to do the chore. You can sort by this column to put all of the day’s chores together, add conditional formatting to make them stand out, etc.

What you end up with is basically a to-do list telling you exactly what chores need to be done on any given day. When you finish a chore, mark it off by putting in today’s date. It doesn’t necessarily make doing the chores any easier, and of course you still have to remember to check the spreadsheet every day, but you never have to expend any mental energy figuring out what you need to do.

This was originally a way for me to keep track of those annoying chores that only need to be done a few times a year, which are easy to lose track of. But now I use it for basically everything.

Get a house keeper, they're not that expensive and the piece of mind is money well spent

I feel for ypour wife, In a couple, the one with the best cleaning standards always suffer.
Just like you, I am cleaning deep every 2 weeks, however i like to keep the house tidy.
And my wife is incredibly messy, nothing is ever put in its place, wraping are left in the sink instead of the trash, there is constantly some cisors out with food on it, clothes on the floor in every rooms, and so on.

She feels like we need a cleaning lady, no we just need to keep things tidy up every day.
To her its an insurmontable challenge, like i am talking about doing an marathon.

Well, i just end up cleaning up, a lot, every day.

Agree to hire a cleaner if you guys can afford it

I was in the same situation as you. How my wife and I got me to improve my perception is instead of just picking up after me, she’d grab me and point me to an area and ask what’s wrong here. You need to both go into this with a lot of humility to make it work.

That conscious checking is what you should be doing all the time, but initially getting help with figuring out where something needs attending to helps accelerate the process. It will initially take a little more effort on their part, but it will prevent them from shouldering the domestic burden for the rest of your relationship

Invite friends and family to stay over more often. My wife and I clean like crazy when we know we have house guests coming over.

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Hire a cleaner. If financially viable. Move on to more serious issues faster 😎😂🤣

Little and often is the key to a clean home.

I'm lazy by nature, hence I clean everything immediately. I spend 30 seconds wiping something down, washing dishes etc rather than letting it build up and being a half hour job. Put the shit away now, wipe the sink, put the clothes out for the morning, then you can sit on your arse with no guilt about things you should be doing and spend longer sitting down/ in bed

Pick a room or an area of a room each day. Clean it. By focusing on a smaller area (rather than the whole house) you will have an easier time of seeing what needs to be done. And, if you keep it up, day after day, she is going to notice and appreciate what you do. Also, be sure the shared spaces are cleared of your own stuff.

1. "Whoever makes the mess has to clean it up" This is a rule that I was taught as a young man and it seems to translate to responsibility.
2. "Clean as you go" Short Term Pain for Long Term Gain. Wash the pan when the food is off, make the bed when you're done sleeping, bored? Vacuum! Front-load the stuff you don't wanna do and get it over with.

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xo

Easiest thing is to help her when you see her cleaning up. She’s doing dishes? Help her rinse or put them away. She’s vacuuming? Get out a rag and start dusting. Make it a group activity and it’ll go a long way. Do that for a few weeks and it’ll quickly become habit. Good on you to recognize that you’re the problem and make an effort to help keep a tidier house.

Make a schedule and divide up the chores.

You have to clean everyday. It doesn’t have to be all at once.

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One way to help yourself become more aware of the small cleaning tasks is to set reminders on your phone or calendar. That way, you can be sure to stay on top of the tasks that need to be done and also make sure that your fiancé does not feel like she is the only one doing the cleaning. Additionally, you can try doing a quick clean-up before bed to make sure that the home is tidier before you go to sleep. Finally, try to make a habit of cleaning up right away when you make a mess or use something, so that you don't have to worry about it later.

I plug this book a lot but I really love it- KC Davis How To Keep House While Drowning

Talk it over with her but I've had success going around in a schedule. Monday is bathroom, Tuesday is Hallways, Wednesday is Kitchen, etc. If it's your turn on a day, you just spend 20 minutes cleaning up in there. For bathroom day that usually means wipe down the tub/sink/toilet and put the linens in the laundry, but sometimes there's a bigger job to focus on. It takes pressure off other areas of the house.

For daily-ish chores, utilize the power of waiting and link them to something you're already doing. Wipe down a counter while your hot pocket microwaves. Rinse the tub while waiting for the water to heat up. It sounds like your partner has already attached finishing eating and doing the dishes

If you can afford it, hire a cleaning service. Oh and a robot vacuum helps keep the floors clean every day.

Any chance you can get a dishwasher? You can both put dishes in it throughout the day and then you can run it at night. Your fiance will like how it prevents dishes from piling up in the sink, and you'll like how it's one daily task.

If that's not an option, consider a pair of dish racks (clean and dirty) or similar. If you can keep things organized throughout the day, that will make the kitchen cleaner. A place for everything, everything in its place.

Maybe take a photo of the room clean, and then assess the state of the room when she cleans compared vs when it is clean.

I’ll also say, talk to her. Maybe split tasks and discuss what you both see.

Start by making a list of each room that you do things in, then list the different things in that room that change state. It is much easier to spot changes when you know what you're looking for. It also will help to watch when she cleans to see what is important to her.

• Kitchen
  • Sink: Clean dishes
  • Counters: Wipe counters
  • Floors: Sweep floors (daily) mop (weekly)
  • Dishwasher (load or empty)
• Bathroom
  • Towels: on hooks
  • Clothes: to laundry
  • etc
• Bedroom
  • bed
    • Unmade: make it
    • Clothes on it: put away
  • etc

There is some give and take here for both sides. I saw another comment that recommended finding some tasks she doesn't like or that your are good at and make sure you're on top of them like it's your job. I am the dishes and vacuuming guy at my house for various reasons. Laundry is her domain (because I'm incapable of remember to change the load and garbage at folding...). The rest we split up and tackle together. We both have to accept that we don't like living in other people's mess, even messes of ones we love. Sometimes that means you might have to clean a little more frequently than you like. Likewise, she may need to let a mess sit for a short while for you to take care of it.

I think her demands are a bit unreasonable. i recommend the book How to Keep House While Drowning by LC Davis and look at what is functional for cleaning versus internalized ideals of what “clean” means.

Get a cleaner to come and vacuum, mop, clean bathroom and kitchen etc once every two weeks. Takes some of the load of her and lots of the bother off you, while showing you do care.

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Either that or become a tidy minded person, binge watch mary kondo, just put shit away. The other choice is way easier.

My parents home was always neat as a pin. Dad vacuumed every day (did the heavy lifting things) mom was in charge of the kitchen. Beds always made and yard always looked great. It’s just how they rolled. So I think it’s teamwork. You being tuned in to this is fantastic!

Clean all the things that you can see, and leave the things you can't see to her.

When cooking I like to clean up while the food is cooking. Whether it’s between flips on the pan or if something is in the oven. You can get a lot done during that time that would otherwise be wasted.

A marriage therapist gave us this tip.

Make a list of all the things that need to be done. Divide them into: Daily, weekly, monthly, etc. Then seperately (so the other cant see) write down how much this being done matters to you (scale of 1-10).

The person it matters to more gets ownership of that chore. You are more willing to do it if it matters to you. If the ownership list for each category is super lopsided review for chore time, difficulty, etc and try to make it fair. IE: mowing the lawn takes more time and effort that sweeping the kitchen, wiping the counters and unloading rhe dishwasher combined.

Then you each commit to own the stuff on your list, in the timefram alloted (daily, weekly, monthly, etc) and you dont do the other persona chorea or nag them as long as its getting done on time.

Implimenting this was great for communication, compromise and setting clear boundaries and expectations. Saved a ton of arguments and resentment.

Cleaning up immediately is objectively better unless you have something urgently important that you should do instead.

The dishes? Clean them immediately and the food just washes right off. Clean them hours later means you need to do extra work getting the dried on food off.

Putting things away immediately after you’re done with them means they are out of the way and you know exactly where to find them when you need it next. Your house is more enjoyable to live in and you can invite guests over without worrying about cleaning before they show up.

You notice the time it takes to clean and organize (which you have to do now or later), but you don’t notice the small amounts of time wasted doing extra work because things are waiting around for you to clean. Individually those things don’t seem like a lot of wasted time but it adds up. And what are you gaining by waiting?

If you can afford it have a cleaner in every week or every fortnight

Easiest trick: hiring a cleaning person...

My husband and I recently talked about this. We discussed a frequency that will work for us both and created lists and delegated tasks for ourselves that we didn’t mind doing. He likes folding and putting away laundry I like cleaning the toilet Definitely have a chat and and find out what works for you both. When thinking about the small things and becoming more aware just do a quick scan and think.. what would she do if she saw this. I have to say it’s much easier to keep on top of things when a home is already clean. Having a kid, 2 weeks is far too long to wait for us to say hoover or mop floors but again you’ve got to think about what factors into your life that changes your chore frequency.. if that makes sense

You need a schedule. I have the same problem - I don't really notice mess until it gets out of hand. So you can't rely on noticing it, you've got to have a habit of checking. While the coffee is brewing, are there any food crumbs on the kitchen counters/dishes in the sink etc. If I get up to go to the kitchen, I scan the room I'm in for any dishes, any rubbish I need to throw away. While dinner's in the oven, do I need to run the hoover around and so on.

Maybe discuss with her what she's noticed you're slacking on and make a habit to check frequently if you're doing that or not.

the one who would like the house cleaner cleans

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You either have to conform to her levels on this or it won't work. She will not lower her standards and if you resent doing it her way, you'll resent her and your feelings will become toxic.

Been there, done that.

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Dyson V15 Detect Absolute

Get a dishwasher and a robot vacuum

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I’ve recommended the Tody app so many times. It splits down each room into different tasks with different frequencies. You could go through and set it up together. It’ll take a while but then you have a schedule you can (hopefully) agree on and each day it gives you a list of the tasks to be done that day to stay on top of things.

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Every 2 weeks? Damn I imagine that it's pretty dirty by the end of that second week.

I couldn't imagine. I am like your partner. I clean all the time and then deep clean once a week.

My GF is like you she has trouble noticing things in the moment unless she is actively cleaning.

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I love the 'Sweepy' app. It really helps me stay on top of things (when I remember to check it!).

Awesome job dude! Just knowing you’re falling sort and trying to understand how she may be feeling puts you strides before other people.

gotta default to the cleaner of the two viewpoints. Change.

I set a timer every day for 15 min and spend that time cleaning. I typically do it in the morning while my coffee’s is brewing. I can get 80% of my weekly cleaning done using this method.

The last thing you need is for her to feel like she’s your mom. That does not end well.

Don’t put it down, put it away.

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Read Fair Play by Eve Rodsky. Get the deck.

Just do it not for you but for her. I too build to the point of action, but I had to do the right after for the sake of peace (and piece).

Its annoying at first but if you think about how much this makes your wife happy and loved then it gets much less annoying. Then you get used to it and you realize that your wife was right.

Offer to do the deeper cleaning, weekly stuff, like moping, vacuuming, windows, etc...

I'm a daily cleaner too, but I hate deep cleaning.

A cordless vacuum has helped me so much. I didn’t think the cord was holding me back, but apparently it was. So easy to just grab it and zip through a room while I’m waiting for coffee to brew or whatever!

I just learned the name to how I clean sometimes... RAGE CLEANING!

I didn't know it was a thing..lol

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Let she clean small routine things.

You can do a deep clean every week (mop, dust, wipe windows, toilet, etc) to show her that you care and she will also appreciate the extra cleaness.

I hate cleaning, especially dishes, so I clean them immediately after using, small incremental effort is much easier to commit to than one big one and it keep my mind at ease washing 1 piece at a time instead of the prospect of washing a whole basin of dirty dishes.

Before you leave a room, look around. Is something out of place, does a cup need taking to the kitchen, if you are heading upstairs is there laundry to go up, before you leave the kitchen is there something out on the side?

I think this is a good way to get tidier.

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Well, you could take the cleaner's car keys, and do what you can to make them feel welcome. That might keep the cleaner home

A robot vacuum will help a lot

She should lower her standards, though, or accept that she will do more. Your standard is perfectly acceptable and hygienic, which is the only thing that really matters.

Honestly, I'd show her this exact post and ask for her help figuring out a plan that works for you both. It articulates where you struggle well, and articulates that you don't want her to carry the full cleaning load.

Possible thing to suggest might be a division along the lines of the as-it-happens and the weekly big things. If you struggle to notice the small things, but can take on the big once a week clean of the floors, bathrooms, etc, that could take a big chunk out for her.

The division me and my partner do is that we do a blitz together when our schedules line up - just clean the place for a couple of hours together. It sounds like mini blitzes a couple times a week may fit more with your fiancee's needs, but it's important that you talk to her on that rather than just assume.

You could always lock the cleaner in the closet.

Make sure to give some water and bread.

The main thing that helps us is keeping a spray bottle of all purpose cleaner (a nice, refillable one) and a supply of rags HANDY, like RIGHT THERE, in the kitchen, on the counter. That way you can clean off the stove top, counter, spills in the fridge, coffee maker, faucets, spot clean floor, fronts of appliances, all while you're waiting for your coffee to brew or your pizza to warm up. SO EASY. Your kitchen will always look nice too. Look for dirt, you'll find it. And kill it. You are brilliant for trying to do better!

Sounds like she might have OCD. I think so because I'm the exact same way.

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I have garbage cans in places I dwell the most as well as recycling bins. I use a kitty litter box to hold used dishes until I'm ready to take them to the dishwasher. Don't put dishes in the sink unless they have caked on stuff the dishwasher can't clean. I keep a hamper in my computer room cause that's where I go when I get home. But even better is just chucking my clothes right into the washing machine. Basically, anywhere that you end up leaving a mess, have the means to dispose of or transfer the mess to where it needs to go. I only deep clean on the weekends when I'm off and get bored.

She wants to hear this.

Tell her you noticed, tell her your intentions to improve to meet her standard. She will tell you what she would like you to do. If you show the initiative first, without her asking She will be over the moon.

Also by asking her you get an idea of the degree if clean that matters to her.

Talk to her about end of the day chires that you can do to make up for it. If she likes the trash too go out before bed, or a quick vacuum of high traffic areas, mop around eating/cooking areas, doing final check of locked doors before bed, walking pet before bed etc.

Good on you for wanting to be a partner and searching out solutions for a problem before it becomes a fight. My husband wont lift a finger to do a damn thing without me begging him for days to do it. Then he likes to yell about how im always nagging him. So yeah. Dont be him.

You are lucky to have a woman who likes to keep things clean. My woman does not and our home is a complete embarrassment.

Ask her to start telling you to get off your arse all the time, until you do it automatically.