Submitted by true90sstory t3_y99sqp in GetMotivated
Comments
SkamGnal t1_it5ro23 wrote
There’s a distinction here. There are the toxic positivity people. Then there are the always-negative do-nothing people. Two sides of the same coin and both are unbecoming attitudes. I think the post is addressing only the one extreme
Bucket1982 t1_it6p4b8 wrote
There are also the, always negative but do plenty people.
jonfun t1_it5fh2a wrote
Actually I lost a friend, facebook acquaintance mainly, because their view of the world stayed extremely black & white. Finally called them on it, slight regret. Seemed to almost always be negative about something. 🤷🏻♂️
Littleman88 t1_it7bcov wrote
It's really about dismissal of someone's feelings and not recognizing it.
Someone having just a negative moment needs compassion, not a positive spin.
Someone comfortable in negative thoughts needs compassion and a positive spin.
The difference here is in the term "silver lining." If you're looking for the silver lining, it's essentially belittling the pain someone is going through as it roughly translates to "please feel better so we can go back to normal." The only person allowed to observe the silver lining is the person feeling upset.
For the people that find comfort in a negative mindset, yeah, you basically have to contend with their glass-half-empty-will-run-out worldview using a glass-half-full-could-be-fuller view and actually show them their worries are misplaced. No one wants to be a glass-half-empty thinker, it's a coping mechanism because they're just tired of feeling like all they ever do is lose and expecting and accepting the next loss ahead of time softens the blow.
opinionated_cynic t1_it7gqq6 wrote
“This too shall pass” - if someone says that to me ever again I will slap them. It is so insulting and reductive.
anomnnomnom t1_itc2uva wrote
It is not necessarily insulting in and of itself but you felt insulted by someone saying that to you. That's an important distinction to make because you have a choice how you interpret and react to things to a great extent.
acfox13 t1_it5pbq7 wrote
Toxic positivity is also known as Spiritual Bypassing - it's skipping over acknowledging the suck of grieving and feeling alongside another human and moving right to "solutions" or platitudes.
l0v3bu770n t1_it6jweq wrote
It’s nice to hear someone say, “Yeah, that’s bullshit.” Add a little fuel to the fire sometimes…
Haploid-life t1_it71xwh wrote
Yep. Commiserate instead of trying to get me to dismiss my own feelings.
--leave_me_alone-- t1_it72g8j wrote
Naw. Stop wallowing. People get mad when some people say the solution to depression and the like is to "just get over it". That's why it sucks. As someone that was wildly depressed, you have to find the key which is often just a shift in perspective.
I still get depressed, and I use self affirmation to ride it out
Rebresker t1_it73r69 wrote
I was part of a 20 year study for kids with a parent who was diagnosed with depression and showed signs of having depression that was geared towards preventing depression. We talked a lot with each other, had classes about recognizing the early stages of depression and described those stages as a downward spiral. Discussed ways to recognize and prevent yourself from going down further.
They paid us to do it and bought us lunch. It was like initially once a week, then once a month, then when we got older it was just phone interviews.
I think it helped get me through some shitty times but I think something like that requires a “renewal” once in a while because I honestly at this point can’t remember much about the content of those classes to put in practice.
Also, legitimately talking sincerely with other people is pretty nice in itself.
Haploid-life t1_it7fgpa wrote
Ah yes, tell the lady that is grieving the loss of her husband or child to stop wallowing. FFS.
--leave_me_alone-- t1_it7w3bn wrote
That's not the context of this post, and as a generality I stand by what I said.
--leave_me_alone-- t1_it7zl9w wrote
Hold up, are you literally just making a straw man post here? You literally are posting about your son and husband...
kingman123 t1_it7e1ek wrote
Exactly. Focusing on the solutions, doesn’t mean neglecting the problem or the negative feelings. It just means you drop the constant rumination. It could even be useful to schedule like 20-30 minutes of your day to just feel like shit, but after that it just blocks you from moving forward
[deleted] t1_it78ea4 wrote
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nxdark t1_it7prc3 wrote
Your feelings are not serving you well and making the problem worse. You should dismiss them and just work on solving the issue.
ashoka_akira t1_ita09a3 wrote
So someone just died and I’m dealing with the grief of that, how do I solve that issue? Are you saying that I’m not allowed to have my grief?
Preventing someone from grieving actually hinders their psychological healing: sometimes you actually have to have feelings and work through them and not just dismiss them.
nxdark t1_ita3ej9 wrote
Grief is a waste of time. This is a lesson to learn to prepare for anyone's death as death is a fact of life. Accept anyone will not be here tomorrow then the next time it happens you will be unaffected and you will be able to continue on with your life. Preparing ahead of time means there is no damage you need to heal from.
Believing you have to be sad and have an emotional response when something that is a certainty just wastes your time and energy.
We as humans must work to evolve past this nonsense.
[deleted] t1_itc782u wrote
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gak001 t1_it6zqiw wrote
Great point! It's super isolating. Solidarity and commiseration are actually helpful.
Eguana84 t1_it7dh1d wrote
Exactly. Sometimes you just need to feel stuff as it comes and not paint over it and slap a fake smile on top. That ignoring it and repressing it will make it 30x worse, trust me i tried. Now I embrace the lows along with the highs and I’m more joyful than I’ve ever been.
EricScheffey t1_it6hpbz wrote
Think more positively, it's healthy.
Jealous_Swimming_835 t1_it6vuu2 wrote
but it can be unrealistic, hard times and bad circumstances are a part of life, as well as the negative feelings that are attached to them. it's okay and normal. I don't think it's a healthy way to cope by always trying to think positively during these times. take that with a grain of salt, I do agree that we should try think positively rather than negatively in our general day to day life.
Rocket_Monkey_302 t1_ita08rd wrote
A positive attitude, not a delusion.
The positive everything people give me the creeps. No there is no silver lining that my dog is dead and my grandma didn't live long enough to see my children born, I'm balding and suffering from chronic migraines. It sucks but I'm a fucking adult, I'll get over it.
My perspective is accept my reality and realize, I'm fortunate I've got what I have, it really could be worse.
Eguana84 t1_it7d8io wrote
If someone gets shot in the leg five times , telling them to just ‘think positively’ is highly dismissive of the actual pain they are in. There’s a process to healing and it takes time. The worst thing you can do is rush that process.
nxdark t1_it7plg5 wrote
The solution is the only thing that matters. The grieving is just a waste of time and energy. The sooner you find a solution the sooner the problem over.
joleme t1_it8nxhj wrote
Really hope you're not a counselor.
Hey you, I know you just got diagnosed with cancer and have 2 weeks to live, and your 3 young kids won't have a father anymore, but stop grieving it's a waste of time.
If you can't see how stupid you look with that attitude then you can't be helped. Grieving is a natural part of human existence.
StudlyCurmudgeon t1_it8we8x wrote
Natural, sure, but I don't feel the OP is saying that you're unnatural for grieving. The point is, if you "wallow" for days/weeks/months after a cancer diagnosis, your kids now have to deal with an "absent" parent even before the potentially inevitable death, but then they still have a parent with terminal cancer either way. It's heaping more misery onto an already shitty situation.
The key here is to be understanding of those that do "wallow", while also recognizing that acceptance is a very important first step to an inevitability. Prolonging denial or grief is never great, and is almost always somewhat selfish. Again, very human, but definitely has negative consequences to both you and your loved ones.
Just my two doges.
BryKKan t1_it8rgbq wrote
Are you going to come help me solve it? Or is it all just preaching and no consideration of problems more serious than you can "solve" alone?
nxdark t1_it90ksd wrote
I normally come up with solutions to those problems. If I don't have a solution there is no point in me engaging in that conversation.
BryKKan t1_it977gr wrote
I didn't ask you to intellectually determine the solution. I know the solution. I asked if you were going to come over here and help do the work of implementing it.
nxdark t1_it9b57o wrote
Why would I do that? I don't know you and have zero investment in you either. So the only thing I have to offer for free is an intellectual solution to your problems to stop your wasteful feelings.
BryKKan t1_it9c2o5 wrote
Why would you have any justification for judging my actions, much less my feelings if you aren't contributing to the solution yourself?
Why should we see you as anything other than toxic for presuming to so judge?
nxdark t1_it9code wrote
Because my contribution is the intellectual solution because that is what you need to move past your emotions that are controlling you. The emotion and feelings you have are your worse enemy.
BryKKan t1_it9cyh8 wrote
That's disturbing in so many ways.
No. Other people can find solutions too. Sometimes it's not possible to make the required changes alone. Your contribution is nil, because you're not offering anything of positive value. Just telling people their emotions are getting in the way is irrational and unhelpful.
[deleted] t1_it9dmkv wrote
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EternalAutist t1_it5poyf wrote
'Insist' seems to be the key word there. If it were 'suggest', at least it leaves further communication as an option. Insistence is for cases like 'my friend came to me injured. I insisted they see a doctor.' There's only one good option. The friend might not be in the right mental state to plan the right thing, they came to you, not a doctor after all.
'Insist' is a one way street. 'Suggest' or 'discuss' or 'problem-solve' are two way streets. They're social streets that strengthen bonds.
That being said, how you approach someone when you 'share something difficult' can also be closed or open. It takes two to tango.
Diregnoll t1_it6ptdu wrote
Also we probably all have that one friend that will refuse to ever see a positive. So insisting on seeing a positive isnt a bad thing.
like you can point out that they fixed the sonic movies graphics and its good now and they will still only see the nightmare fuel and be angry about it.
infiniZii t1_it6q0f8 wrote
Meh. I'd rather deal with toxic positivity than toxic negativity. What's important is trying to identify and respect people's boundaries when established.
Environmental-Care-6 t1_it7w710 wrote
This is better than the post
EVILMINDY12 t1_it64pbb wrote
This!
Xeludon t1_it8k53c wrote
This what?
EVILMINDY12 t1_it8p81o wrote
Its a expression, I'm agreeing with the above commenters post.
Indigo_Sunset t1_it8lpui wrote
The idea of compassion fatigue needs to be considered as well. A rock seems solid in the water, yet the beach can be the end result.
threenamer t1_it4eby5 wrote
No.
This is a selfish take.
PM_SHORT_STORY_IDEAS t1_it4nxtx wrote
Agree. Positivity isn't about minimizing something, it's about being generous with your ability to spread.happiness, and realizing that happier self-talk and "faking it" leads to more actual happiness.
spider-bro t1_it4rwa5 wrote
Skipping straight from sharing something difficult to declaring it resolved/transformed is the definition of minimizing something.
“My mother just died”
(a) “Oh my God that’s terrible!”
(b) “Turn it into a positive!”
PM_SHORT_STORY_IDEAS t1_it4ycuj wrote
TLDR: Looking on the bright side =/= 1984 forced happiness.
Obviously grieving someone's death or mourning a loss is a process that needs to be gone through, you're taking a generality and extrapolating it into an absolute truth.
Should you grieve your mother's death? Yes, that's horrible. Should anyone else tell you how to feel about that? No, they should f*** off.
Should you continue to be sad and grieve for years on end? Past a certain point... If you can help it, no. Seeing the positive and being thankful for the good in things will make you a happier and better person overall.
Someday my mom will die, and it will wreck me. Hope not painfully, I hope she doesn't suffer, but it's going to suck a lot. And it will suck after. But I hope that I will remember her for the positive moments after some time has passed.
The post asserts that trying to look on the brightside is actually wrong if you're not feeling good in actuality. It completely misses the point that sometimes changing your mind is a good thing, and you can often be a buoying force in someone else's life
_tsuujin t1_it643hf wrote
My dad recently died from cancer. It was a long, painful death and I sat at his side the whole time. Watching him suffer and die broke me emotionally and I still struggle with it every single day.
If I didn’t have people around me doing their best to help me find balance I genuinely do not know how I would make it day to day. Sometimes I need to just be sad, but if I did that all the time I don’t think I could function.
Most of the time I need people to help me remember that my world is broader that my grief, and sometimes that means I need people telling me to look on the bright side when I can’t shake off being sad.
The original post is what I view as toxic here. Making an assumption that someone reaching out to remind you that your attitude is largely within your control, even when you think it isn’t, can’t just be a blanket evil, selfish act. That kind of thinking does nothing for anyone and is actively harmful to those of us currently suffering.
Yes_Thats__My_Name t1_it7wcns wrote
Yeah I’ve been through some shit in life. Lost my mum at 12 and had no dad around and then it was a cascade of one thing after another until I got to around 27/28 and if it wasn’t for people around me helping me to see the positive in life I for sure would not be here today. I had to see the positive otherwise I would have literally just curled up died and would not be enjoying the life I have now.
trippingbilly0304 t1_it62irn wrote
Found the Thought Police everyone.
PM_SHORT_STORY_IDEAS t1_it65142 wrote
Dude just try to be happy. I'm making a point separate from the post.
trippingbilly0304 t1_it65797 wrote
Bingo
DLBaker t1_it4vzkp wrote
Inheritance?
*Ducks*
billustrator t1_it58ks2 wrote
I got a good laugh from this one
Pandora_Palen t1_it5614a wrote
B is more often than not a person fumbling around for something to say that makes you feel better. They don't know if "oh my God that's terrible" will send you spiraling into an episode of renewed acute grief so they try to say something that maybe hadn't already factored into the hardship you've been dealing with.
Most people would like to help you suffer less, so their intentions are good even if their methods need some serious work. Calling that "toxic" is bullshit.
Ferret_Brain t1_it6m2ix wrote
That’s great if they’re actually offering TO help. Some people don’t, they listen, say “be positive” but don’t offer any real support or empathy because they’re not offering it, they just want the person to get over it.
IMO, you should always acknowledge someone’s pain first and THEN offer positivity/comfort/advise next, and sometimes, it’s more beneficial to outright ask first “do you want to talk and process it first or do you want advise/to change things?”
[deleted] t1_it6y4gw wrote
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Pandora_Palen t1_it8864o wrote
The people I was talking about (group B) are not the "some people" that "just want the person to get over it." I'm referring to people who actually care about you, but I think you're talking about those who were probably wondering "why are they telling me this and how do I get them to stop talking about it" the whole time you were unloading your traumatic experience. They're probably also the people you wouldn't sit down for a conversation about how you'd like them to treat you when you're divulging painful things. If doing that would be awkward, then you're probably not close enough to have any expectations for how they respond. Sharing pain can be bonding, but not everybody is up for that with everyone else all of the time and that's fair.
I agree with you about acknowledging pain then offering whatever, but there are a lot of people out there who do care about you but either don't communicate well on an emotional level or who, for themselves, prefer to always look for the positive and shove back the hardship. My kid had a 5% chance of living at one point. What I did NOT want to hear? "OMG, I'm so sorry you're going through that. It must be incredibly difficult. Want to process or talk?" It's what I'd say to somebody else, but it was not what I wanted to hear. What I wanted was something solid and grounding and positive. Maybe throw in a joke. Gimme the hopium I crave and the silver fucking lining because sympathy means absolute shit when you're really going through it. Sometimes false positivity is exactly what a person needs.
ETA: sure would have liked to have heard the reasoning behind the downvote. My personal coping mechanisms just not meeting Reddit standards? SMH. Absolutely bizarre.
throwawayfae112 t1_it69azb wrote
Agree.
simulacrum81 t1_it5gqwp wrote
Dunno when my grandfather died I took some comfort from the fact that he was no longer suffering, that we were fortunate to have had him in our lives at all, the fact that we had an opportunity to be with him in his last days, the fact that we had the privilege of helping to ease his discomfort in his last days. Etc.. I shared some of these thoughts with some other grieving relatives and they found them useful. I could have sat there yelling “he’s gone! He’s gone! He’s gone!” Over and over in my head and working myself deeper and deeper into despair.
spider-bro t1_it4rij0 wrote
But the choice to turn something into a positive really only works when it comes from the inside.
Like I recently decided I want to be a therapist so that all the bullshit I’ve been through becomes an asset. This was based on Jordan Peterson’s quotation “Find a future that justifies your past. A future that makes your past worth it.”
He didn’t tell me: “Turn your sexual abuse into a positive thing”. He said, to everyone, “This is possible”. When I was ready, I was the one who connected those dots to my own specific past.
AdviceNo1622 t1_it4wjcu wrote
Agreed! Same here!
PM_SHORT_STORY_IDEAS t1_it4zjhe wrote
In the strict context of the post, I absolutely agree with you. To say that positivity or trying to encourage someone to be happy is wrong universally feels equally dismissive.
jeerabiscuit t1_it5cmh9 wrote
That is not a society that is a cult, which is how American culture turns out to be.
SkamGnal t1_it5r6s7 wrote
Toxic positivity is a real thing. Negative emotions are a real thing. There are people out there that use positivity as a means of denial. “My life is great and there is nothing I need to change or work towards.” Versus “This sucks, but now that I acknowledge it, I can change it.”
There are also those that use positivity as a means to make oneself emotionally unavailable. If you’re 100% averse to any negativity and never want to sit in it with a friend, I think that’s a problem.
ZoeAdvanceSP t1_it5d59c wrote
It’s only selfish to those that you effect by being unrealistic and relentlessly positive. “I’m sorry and I’m here for you” goes a lot farther than bullshit positivity that isn’t genuine. There are no bad emotions. The only “bad” emotions are those you repress and stuff down while forcing others to do the same.
sensitivepistachenut t1_it6ac7d wrote
I've seen toxic positivity with my own eyes, when I joined MLM. The usual small talk goes like this:
Guy: " Hi, how are you doing?"
Me: " Pretty good, nothing much.."
Guy: " Hold on! That's a completely wrong attitude! What you're supposed to say is 'I feel amazing'"
Me: "okay... I feel amazing today?..."
Guy: " that's much better! You can't let negative thoughts ruin your day! Always think the positive side!"
It became ridiculous, when his upper level contact fell into depression and this guy (along with the other yes men) ranted how weak his contact was for letting negativity influence his thoughts and not trying to get back into positivity.
The last straw was when one of the guys lost a friend in a car accident. He was avoiding the topic around the others. I went for him to let him know I was sorry for his loss. Later the yes men brought that up to me that I shouldn't talk about this car accident, because it affects negatively on the peers and that's something the guy needs to tackle himself.
The irony is that the material where they learned all about the positivity attitude doesn't even encourage suppressing negative thoughts. It literally says right in the book, that sometimes there's issues in life and it's completely fine to have bad days and grieving, but also face your emotions and seek for recovery. The yes men completely ignored this part.
PM_ME_GUD_BOBS t1_it6q2gi wrote
"Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way."
"When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves."
- Viktor E. Frankl, Man's Search for Meaning
[deleted] t1_it8eqlt wrote
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RickMacd1913 t1_it51xe5 wrote
It’s ridiculous.
12kdaysinthefire t1_it50wct wrote
I have a neighbor like this who is always dreadful to run into. Never thought I’d experience someone referring to terminal illness as a “blessing in disguise” with a smile on their face.
TwoStepsSidewards t1_it5ehhk wrote
I'm unsure, I don't think I like this quote though.
But, I do think it starts the conversation on Empathy vs Sympathy. Empathy being the ability to relate and emotionally engage evenly with the person speaking their emotions to you. Sympathy being in a state of understanding while providing ways the person may be able to overcome their situation, but not necessarily sharing the emotion as the speaker yourself.
A lot of people like more or less of one or the other. But both are great tools when needed. Telling which person wants what, or how much of both, isn't always clear to yourself or even to the person sharing their feelings which is why I'm unsure if I can agree with the post. It's not so "on/off" as it's written.
trippingbilly0304 t1_it62cnh wrote
"Focusing on the positive" can be an extremely destructive process.
Angry_Stunner t1_it6ppxb wrote
Focusing on the positive is what kept me alive when i felt like there was no point to going on though... I am a bit baffled by this wave of "toxic positivity" statements in the last 2 years. "Destroy what destroys you" is a common motivation focusing on getting rid of what brings you down, if you dont it will pull you into a depression and keep you there for good.
BryKKan t1_it8tsxy wrote
Unless you're condoning murder, that's not always as simple as you think.
NaTssz t1_it6hgcw wrote
How come? And what is better than focusing on positivity?
Ferret_Brain t1_it6l7sc wrote
Because there sometimes isn’t a obvious positivity, or it seems bleak/pointless even when there is one.
Would you tell a CSA survivor “just focus on the positive”? You might as well tell them to just get over it as well, or that what happened to them wasn’t that bad.
Acknowledging someone’s pain and suffering, imo, is far more beneficial for their healing, because it shows you care about and acknowledge how THEY feel.
dioxol-5-yl t1_it5r2i3 wrote
It shows an inability to relate to someone else's viewpoint that there may actually be a positive. It is in itself a selfish quote about how selfish people who are determined to wallow in their own self pity can erect walls that prevent do-gooders who try to find the best in things from helping you
trippingbilly0304 t1_it621ci wrote
Youre literally displaying what this post is about. positivity can be just as self absorbed as negativity.
Vioralarama t1_it69dy2 wrote
Some of you will welcome conversation with good intentions when you're fucked. Toxic positivity is terrible on the internet but less important in person. Judging someone for how they express their own feelings about you means you can't empathize with another person. It also makes you look self-absorbed.
Ex: I know someone who is very much about God having reasons for everything. I was surprised by it, and I really hate that line of thinking, but she's one of the sweetest people I've ever met and has been thru tough times. I see that is her world view so she means the best when she says it. In which case I don't begrudge her saying stuff like that.
tenebrls t1_it7a1zi wrote
Good intentions don’t matter. Good intentions don’t alter the outcome of actions and events. Good intentions can be used to justify oppressive laws and viewpoints, toxic behaviour, and the propagation of further suffering to others. Good intentions are what people use to pat themselves on the back as they try to forget their world is still a terrible place and their actions have had no significance in making it better.
Vioralarama t1_it7cv6h wrote
Well then quite frankly, good luck having friends when tragedy strikes.
EVILMINDY12 t1_it650u3 wrote
It's like we're forgetting depression is a thing, and that's not something you an force ppl out of. Sometimes ppl aren't seeking help, most times it's just a listening ear.
Ferret_Brain t1_it6lfbm wrote
I can’t find it now, but I remember reading something where someone was upset about something and her partner asked her if she wanted him to listen and help her process and grieve about it or if he wanted her to offer help/support/suggestions and I think that’s a much better way to look at it personally.
[deleted] t1_it6aev9 wrote
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BigPoppaPuff t1_it4wzew wrote
What do you want me to do? Tell you your life sucks?
abtseventynine t1_it5aeyt wrote
ask a person how they’re feeling instead of insisting they feel good?
billustrator t1_it59cul wrote
Understand that you aren’t emotionally attached to the situation, lend a shoulder to lean on or cry on. Emotions go to and fro, it’s impossible to be positive all the time, anyone who claims they are is lying to themselves. Life is gets hard as f*** sometimes.
chrisb5583 t1_it57qr1 wrote
Haha, my response exactly. So don’t encourage looking on the positive side of things that happen in life? This sounds like something a depressed person needs to read to justify their depression and stay where they are in life. Also, when was the last time someone that cared about you “insisted” you see the positive? You got into a car accident, but you needed a new car anyway. I INSIST that you see if this way and agree with me. Get new friends.
nature_remains t1_it64j05 wrote
I remember one of the most hurtful things someone ever said to me was an attempt at positivity. My then father-in-law had been brutally murdered in a senseless and totally preventable way and after dragging out of me why I seemed 'glum' that day, an acquaintance assured me that my sadness was selfish because he's in a better place now and no longer suffering. To this day it pisses me off as he had no idea what, if any, religious beliefs I had and just.... even giving him the out of being surprised by the news and not knowing what to say, I can't imagine saying something like that to someone. When in doubt, say nothing. A gentle armpat would have been more than enough. But damn. At a certain point, even with the best intentions, you should be aware that you might be cheapening someone else's experience.
ashoka_akira t1_ita0vpu wrote
My mother died from an unrelated bad infection about a week after getting a terminal cancer diagnosis. She was all ready to do her best to fight that cancer and even was talking to me and my sister about finding cute head scarfs for her hairloss during chemo.
The number of people who thought it would make me feel better to say some version of “well at least she didn’t have to suffer through all that chemo and is in no pain now,” just made me so very angry, like who are you to say that she didn’t deserve the chance to fight her cancer? perhaps it would’ve been drawn out and painful but at least she would’ve been able to give it a fight.
nature_remains t1_itjz2np wrote
Oh my god. To go through all that - and for her to manage an awesome fighter attitude - only to be taken down by an unrelated infection?? What a gut punch. I'm just so so sorry to hear that. The roller coaster of emotions is simply unimaginable. What a tremendous loss. And for folks to shut it down (for their momentary comfort) by insinuating that it was somehow benevolent is infuriating. I hope you are holding up ok and that the waves of grief and anguish ebb for you from time to time. Not that I know anything about anything but if you ever want to reach out, please feel free to.
Ehvens t1_it5r4wv wrote
When someone shares something painful with you, don't give them advise; they don't need it; they just want to be heard.
jeerabiscuit t1_it5c95y wrote
This entire thread and events since March 2020 prove that most people are implacably selfish and insist on toxic positivity.
HenKinkley t1_it5whc2 wrote
My boss and moron HR rep recently when giving me a bullshit written warning (with threat to terminate employment with no grounds): “it’s all about how you turn this into a positive”.
Me: “you are right. A new job would be a positive!”
spider-bro t1_it4rfc3 wrote
“I’m not patient enough to wait for your grieving and processing. Skip to the end please”
chojinra t1_it4ysa9 wrote
Sorry I would want to do something so my friend doesn’t have to feel like feces anymore….
michiness t1_it5gsue wrote
It can be frustrating when it’s. all. the. time.
I lived and worked in Ecuador, and I had an absolutely miserable job. But anytime I tried to talk to anyone about it, it was “oh don’t be sad, just drink and dance and be happy!”
There’s wanting to bring your friends up and then there’s taking “positive vibes only” literally.
chojinra t1_it61xb3 wrote
I can see that. My response would be more along the lines of “Damn, that sucks. Want to see if we can find you a better one?”
I guess a “fixer” would be bad too, but I’d have to offer.
WhatAreDaffodilsAnyw t1_it6abdq wrote
That's not toxic positivity, that's just empathy, positivity and helping a friend solve a problem
EVILMINDY12 t1_it6578e wrote
Totally understand I'm the same way, I think it's more of knowing when to listen and when to provide help at least thats what I'm finding is my issue.
Ninjas4cool t1_it5f18i wrote
I’m super torn on the topic of “toxic positivity”…and I hate to say it but both sides are right so can only come to the conclusion that it’s up to the individual to figure out what works for them
Suli44 t1_it68f47 wrote
I've been absorbing my SO's problems for so long and trying to help in all ways possible that I can't in good conscience agree with this sentiment. If you open up with your problems to someone, you have to be ready to hear what they think and what they say, instead of stating with the preconceived notion of the reply. Person to person, will have different reactions. Some will extend their help in their own ways.
BuildingMyEmpireMN t1_it6y6ab wrote
Ehh I think this is a total different category. Toxic positivity is when you’re not “allowed” to have a bad day. It sounds like your partner might constantly put themselves in bad positions then doesn’t take responsibility. There’s definitely a time and place for feedback.
jamaicandave27 t1_it5uqig wrote
We found Ted Lasso’s ex-wife 👆
pewpewpewman1 t1_it4zofy wrote
This post is a micro aggression.
Bucket1982 t1_it6oyol wrote
Thank you. I am constantly like this. I wish I wasn’t, maybe. But I am usually bombarded by negativity a lot. I refuse to accept peoples negative problems. I refuse that I even have any problems of my own. Because I am always just happy and fine with everything. It’s obnoxious to people. But what am I gonna do just agree with them and be miserable? Nope. I’ve accepted that I’m not good a helping negative depressed people.
oxyhenry t1_it4ydkg wrote
Totally inacurate
redsing92 t1_it5t7nw wrote
I've been saying this for a long time , I don't know if it's because I practice sports but for me telling it like it is way more helpful than false positivy. First step to improve is to recognize in all honesty that I'm bad at something.
ZoeAdvanceSP t1_it5cuas wrote
Well said!
ahsan_saadat t1_it5dziw wrote
Ok. But what about people like me who are always trying to find a solution to a problem? I live in my in comfortable zone but when someone shares their pain my brain starts to think how to overcome the problem/ situation they're describing. Does that mean that it's toxic positivity? Or sulking with the other person and listening to them melting down in their worries is better (without offering a real solution)?
Suyefuji t1_it5hdhg wrote
I find it's best to ask someone if they're venting or looking for a solution. If they want to vent, you listen to them and sympathetically agree with them until they're ready to be done and feel better. If they want a solution then you give them your solution.
ahsan_saadat t1_it5m3nz wrote
It's debatable right? Probably at the age I am nobody shares any pain unless they are looking for an advice or solution or comfort. They want that positivity in their life which they have forgotten in that moment. In my experience (I'm not THAT old) women want to vent, but guys are looking for support.
Suyefuji t1_it5msjx wrote
I've never had anyone get upset at me for asking which they want and I'd rather know than guess
ahsan_saadat t1_it5nxbs wrote
Like I said. Debatable. Just the idea of toxic positivity is mildly infuriating, I mean I do what I do out of goodness of my heart. Not to get internet or brownie points. It's genuine all the way. I'll shut up now.
Suyefuji t1_it5oqx1 wrote
I understand that it's that way from you, but there are definitely people who exhibit toxic positivity in a really nasty way and also people who have been subjected to that enough to be sensitive about it.
ahsan_saadat t1_it5t1fu wrote
Indeed, if people are writing about it I'm sure this must be the case. I was speaking from my POV only.
PunkAssBear t1_it5rz33 wrote
I really like this
NothingIsInMyButt t1_it5zaib wrote
My wife refuses to see the positives in literally anything, and when I point them out, I get chastised for "toxic positivity."
I'm fucking sorry I refuse to be a pessimistic curmudgeon.
sensitivepistachenut t1_it6ca6k wrote
Now that's the other side of the scale: toxic negativity. The key here is to reach for a balance and accepting, that you have both positive and negative thoughts, but you always should seek for the balance. Suppressing either positive or negative emotions will lead to a bad health. I'm afraid you have to wait until your wife is willing to seek help for herself, because change starts by accepting your own need of help. Maybe you could suggest her to seek therapy to deal her issues
trippingbilly0304 t1_it61u5g wrote
"It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society."
nox-electrica t1_it62luz wrote
This shit made me drink like, two more beers.
Archangel1313 t1_it643fr wrote
Or...finding something positive in your past trauma is actually a really good way to finally accept it, and move the fuck on. Holding onto those negative feelings, will only serve to habitualize them. Your brain gets better at whatever you practice. Practice negative thinking, it gets better at thinking negatively. Practice positive thinking, it gets better at thinking positively.
sensitivepistachenut t1_it6bobm wrote
You are right, but that doesn't mean you have to suppress your negative thoughts, because you're just bottling them up
Archangel1313 t1_it6c0c5 wrote
That's very true. Suppressing your feelings doesn't get rid of them, it just buries them for later.
PlasmaPulsar t1_it65rb1 wrote
I don't understand where this quote wants to lead me. When I try to help my friends with their problems, I always try to sort the positive and negative aspects of their situation. I put the effort to go through every details to be sure they don't miss the best by always seeing the bad. There is no "only good" or "only bad" experiences, but there is a ton of means to see them. In my opinion, toxic positivity is just not putting effort in someone. People then say : "just think of the positive !" Without going through this with the person they speak to. But people seems to don't understand that you have to change your point of view if you want to go through a difficult situation. You can't always complain without trying something. I mean, there are bad situations where it's really hard to see something positive, I know that. But the vast majority of those situations is surmountable and require a sharp mind that can see farther than the bad of this.
Tell me what do you think of that.
deeryk t1_it6b5gf wrote
This is such a helpful perspective. I'm currently training social workers and psychologists on how to talk to children impacted by the Russian war in Ukraine. Terms like toxic positivity don't translate well in this culture...but a phrase about prioritizing personal comfort does. Thanks!
Dorsiflexionkey t1_it6o8i2 wrote
this sounds like forced negativity, turning an attempt at problem solving and positivity into something sinister.
Just because somebody is trying to help it doesn't mean they're uncomfortable. What you're looking for is a mindreader and Jesus to fix your life for you.
finger_milk t1_it6vmdy wrote
The most empathetic people, the people who have lived and can understand your pain, don't tell you to turn your pain into a positive.
That's why toxic positivity is so crap. It's always maintained by sheltered young people who cannot truly understand this deep pain. I would be toxic positive too if I had a trust fund and believe everything I read on LinkedIn.
ItsKaptainMikey t1_it6vvmw wrote
This is so wrong. There is always something positive to take away from a bad situation and people who spew this crap generally have never been though anything remotely challenging in life. No matter how bad something has been that you went through, you always have the choice to push through it and conquer it and help others that have been through the same situation.
DivineJustice999 t1_it7g8kr wrote
damn reddit is soft
djayed t1_it7wa7w wrote
I have been through a relationship that ended in suicide and a cat 5 hurricane where I was stuck in a bathroom for 36 hours.
My positivity isn't toxic, it's how I survive. There is always an equal and opposite reaction to everything, that's just science Susan.
[deleted] t1_it4e1kn wrote
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Knerrbo t1_it5dkb3 wrote
Amen 🙏🏼
jonfun t1_it5en6q wrote
Health and Wellness Check...
Your perspective & life is not my reality, simply stated.
If you want a friend that is not going to give you bullsh*t answers & support then I am here for you my friend. No questions asked. 💯
[deleted] t1_it5grp9 wrote
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khadohex t1_it5lkry wrote
While this can be the case with people you aren't particularly close to, more often than not, the person doesn't know what to say to make you hurt less (because there isn't really anything that could) and so they just want to try.
Seeing someone you deeply care about hurt makes you want to do anything you can to make them feel better even when you know you're powerless to do so.
sweetassassafras t1_it5rh7o wrote
Looks at Boomer that calls his Mother every f'ing morning to meditate^TM & share 'gratitudes'. I swear he does it just to humble brag. He then finds the rest of the day to complain and wine about his present situations.
Where can I find more about this Susan David!?
Clockreddit2020 t1_it5t7pb wrote
People in Quidditch community are like that
lostoceaned t1_it5tb4e wrote
I see so much toxic positivity in men's online dating profiles it's so annoying. Hate it
sidharthv1 t1_it5yd42 wrote
I also experience this situation everyday
Korvun t1_it60qvm wrote
Couldn't they also mean to say, "Don't let the negativity of that experience stop you from trying again?" I.E. using a negative experience for positive motivation?
T0URIST t1_it63n4j wrote
Susan is just confirming that misery loves company.
S-Vagus t1_it66g1k wrote
The great thing about communicating is that it never happens in a vacuum except in someone's imagination.
LightBeerIsForGirls t1_it69zsy wrote
This is where I work. I should print this out.
exintel t1_it6do71 wrote
Daijobu! Watashi Ga Kita!
rapscal t1_it6kntk wrote
Ahh, I think I finally understand my mother.
thys123 t1_it6mi8u wrote
This seems a bit dramatic. Not all people are narcissists
xGIANT_5150x t1_it6pm3o wrote
THANK YOU, Right? 💯💯💯
ReptileBat t1_it6pxr5 wrote
This is the dumbest shit I have every read…
Rayqson t1_it6rq01 wrote
Is it bad if you tell your friends something like this? Not in the way of "Oh your problems aren't actually that bad"
But moreso on the side of "Look at it this way; yes, it sucks right now; bit on the bright side; this and this opportunity opened up for you."
More as a way to say; even during negative moments in your life; pathways and possibilities to a brighter future are laid out for you.
KungFuViking7 t1_it6sfys wrote
This makes me realise What this post was about. Thank you.
kadren170 t1_it6t2zv wrote
Back in the Spanish colonial days, there were these friars that took a man, beat him, poured hot oil on his legs, made him drink from his toilet bucket, and tortured him.
He read the Bible front to back, trying to find out why this was happening to him, and now even though we know religion was used as a weapon to justify the crimes laid upon my people, it's been a staple of my country.
We used the very same thing used to fuck us over as a source of strength. This quote is just close-minded and I think the person lacks experience.
Surprisedropbear t1_it6w503 wrote
Im getting really sick of the “toxic” label
[deleted] t1_it6wxek wrote
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Flacidpickle t1_it6x6lf wrote
This isn't motivating, but it is insightful.
_reddit_account t1_it6xmmx wrote
Or that stop whining
-poiu- t1_it70e57 wrote
All you folk saying this isn’t a thing.. you haven’t worked for enough large organisations. Toxic positivity, whereby you are not allowed to point out any problems, is a major reason people leave that work place.
youknowiactafool t1_it73789 wrote
Kind of like how people say, there has always been homelessness and there always will be homelessness and compare the quality of homelessness. (being homeless in a first world country is somehow less painful than being homeless in a third world country)
[deleted] t1_it73are wrote
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Mikeinthedirt t1_it79nrz wrote
Maybe.
onstanonsta t1_it7iaro wrote
What if toxic positivity was created by an extremely toxic person?
swissiws t1_it7kngl wrote
this is true. an example is the omnipresent trope of "be yourself, follow your dreams and you will succeed". 99% of people won't make it and it's part of life. Every athlete knows it, but rarely they tell you that only 1 gets the golden medal. Also, there is a lot of people that dreams unrealistic things. And a lot of depressed people is in such condition because they did their best and failed.
BenjaminHamnett t1_it7mkdk wrote
I dunno. I may not have liked it when it happened but I was usually better off getting these reminders. Even I fake it sometimes and it works.
The crazy thing about the habit of remembering to look for silver linings and reasons to be grateful, is that even when you can’t find them, the act of looking actually cheers people up. That’s a powerful realization
ganchroi t1_it7muf3 wrote
Anytime I see the term I think of the kids film "Inside Out" - if Joy isn't the epitome of what toxic positivity is and what it can do, idk what is...
vaksninus t1_it7r240 wrote
toxic positivity is so fake anyway, don't know anyone who practice it
DarkQuiz t1_it7rsq0 wrote
That’s why, when someone begins to tell me about the difficulties in their life, I cut them off mid sentence. “I don’t want to offend you, but my comfort is more important than you reality. Maybe you should find a therapist…have a nice day!”
notaredditor4life t1_it7w7k6 wrote
All depends on context and circumstances
Taolan13 t1_it8411x wrote
Absofuckinglutely
Let me have my bad mood, and get the fuck out of my way. I will deal with it my damn self.
LawlessCoffeh t1_it87lc1 wrote
This image goes hard.
[deleted] t1_it8d7ov wrote
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nocursing t1_it8erbc wrote
These are the kinds of thoughts I have when I'm getting ready to climb mountains!
PjustdontU t1_it8vykc wrote
Or they're just trying to provide positive reinforcement and are bad at it.
stendhal666 t1_it90bsy wrote
Then the reciprocal is also true, and the one complaining places their reality over the comfort of others.
Peace2Mankind t1_itlqrzf wrote
Situations are as bad as we make them. I prefer to look at what's in front of me and say 'oh is this what we are doing today'. Then I grab my imaginary shovel and shovel my way through it. I don't usually ask for help. After we heal, we realise we learned something and become a stronger version of ourselves. I have never let my trauma turn me bitter or mean. I have become more caring and realised that no one should suffer like I did. It is my mission to make sure that at least one person smiles a day. It is contagious.
I made a rule for myself. I can break but I can't stay down. I set a time limit before I waste too much time in my negative zone.
Never tell anyone to get over it. Never say oh just cheer up. Never disregard their feelings because those are theirs, they are allowed to have them.
SpreadLoveNotChaos
Do no harm.
Peace2Mankind t1_itlr2mo wrote
I have a motivational saying for those in need.
You have made it through 100% of all your bad times.
Have an amazing day or night. Whichever U are in.
deviemelody t1_it4rkxt wrote
This is more like “MLM positivity”
OperationClippy t1_it53csk wrote
Who?
ThoughtSpectrum t1_it5k06a wrote
Apply that concept to gender theory.
--Keru-- t1_it5m1nj wrote
Lost my husband after we spent 10 yrs together. I even forgave him cheating on me with his ex at one time... yet he couldn't handle my lows and harsh moments when i was suicidal...i could have killed myself and he wouldn't cared lol. And what upsets me is that i was always there for him no matter what.
yaywoo t1_it5mvnw wrote
No, wrong, that’s not at all what it means. Turning something negative into a positive is an attempt to help the person reframe the situation, which is a provenly effective technique in CBT. Literally no one does this to make himself feel better. It’s an attempt to make the suffering person feel better. This quote is stupid trash.
tenebrls t1_it7bh0z wrote
You say that as if psychiatry isn’t itself a societal device for ensuring it’s own self survival by coercing/forcing aberrant individuals from ascribing themselves to the principles that allows the continual propagation of said society. While sometimes there can certainly be a bit of overlap, at the end of the day, CBT, other forms of thought reframing, and more intensive treatment options are not primarily focused on giving the patient as objective and impassive a view on life as possible as it is to bring them into harmony with the principles of the dominant society, as if that society and everything in it necessarily deserves to exist in the first place.
yaywoo t1_it7k1rh wrote
this is embarrassingly cringey
Wyrdthane t1_it60on0 wrote
Toxic is a bad word here. If you share something negative or disturbing without consent to someone who is sensitive and maybe just needs some positivity in their lives, then calling them toxic is just being an asshole.
dioxol-5-yl t1_it5quri wrote
But hey, if you share something with someone and their positive attitude makes you feel uncomfortable you can just tell yourself this over and over again but what you're really saying is your comfort in believing there is no positive so you can think woe is me how hard is my life is more important than the reality that there is actually a positive
sensitivepistachenut t1_it6bgpg wrote
I don't think it's the positive attitude that irritates, but lack of empathy and avoidance of the subject. If something horrible has happened to someone, they need some time to process the situation before they can recover. You can't speed up the process by demanding them to focus on positive side. They'll do that when they have passed the trauma
SeriousMcDougal t1_it61e3c wrote
Wallowing in self pity and not taking control is fucking depressing. Call it what you will, get off your ass and stop crying. Toxic positivity my ass.
Tarantula_Saurus_Rex t1_it4inq1 wrote
So ignore the person. Stop giving them space in your head rent free.
The76thTrombone t1_it5mlyg wrote
That is an incredibly cynical way to interpret someone trying to help. If someone reached out to me about something they're dealing with, I'd want to help them. Even if trying to find a silver lining isn't what that person needs, my bumbling attempts to help come from a place of empathy, not selfishness.
Not everyone handles their struggles in the same way. For some people, finding those silver linings is their way of managing their own suffering. Naturally, they'd want to help others in the same way. It's not an inherently wrong position to take, it's just the not everyone handles it that way. Don't judge people harshly if they attempt to offer positive perspectives. They may just be clueless on how to help, rather than simply being selfish.
glasser999 t1_it61lkl wrote
Clearly written by a woman.
singlegayguymelb t1_it4x4dt wrote
Love and Hate are the SAME emotions - existing on the opposing scale of Polarity...
Blanket statements such as the one posted fall EXTREMELY SHORT of any TRUTHS and may in and of itself be extremely TOXIC in nature especially when presented to someone in a state of extreme vulnerability.
Sometimes the most powerful gesture anyone can gift another is making your presence known and gifting them with an opportunity to get whatever ailes them at that given moment in time out of their soul whilst remaining respectfully and responsibly SILENT
Googlyboobs666 t1_it4vzjt wrote
Like denying women abortion .
anomnnomnom t1_it4won6 wrote
It's naive to look at things like this as black and white, people can get stuck in being negative and it can be good to hear a positive spin, alternatively someone might just want to say the negatives going on for them and have them heard and acknowledged and might feel their feelings are not being validated by trying to put a positive spin on it. That's just two possible avenues of which there are many. If someone is assuming that by putting a positive spin on something they said, that you are not comfortable with their sadness, that's a bit of a dick thing to do to assume that, that is their intention.