Why does your mom let your grandparents boss you around and parent you?

Disown, (vb), what you should do to your grandparents.

My mother did similar to me multiple times. Eventually she did it while I was hosting an international guest at her home. Everyone was happy and excited at the start. Then she got so stressed at my being in another city with them that she demanded WE come home early. Not me, but both of us. The plan was 10PM return, yet she made the demand to start returning at 7.

This absolutely would destroy the night so I fought it, but eventually she won the argument with me. My friend told her that she's being absurd and outright declined however.

So she revoked him from returning.

An international young adult who came here on a shoestring budget.

Thankfully he was able to crash at a mutual friend's place that night and I went home. I then did the worst thing I could do to her after that, absolute silence. This sounds laughable unless you know my mother. Silence, and the void of information it brings, is murder to her.

By the time she acknowledged that I appeared upset I laid it down in absolutely simple terms, in as few words as possible. That will never happen again, or this silence will become permanent.

Message received and respected. (with growing pains, but respected).

my mom was in a rehab plan, meaning my grandparents had total authority over me for about 6 months prior to this. since she lives with them rent-free and they could call child protective services on her for the smallest things now, i understand she doesn’t have much of a choice. it’s mostly forced submission :(

planning to go no contact as soon as i’m 18, but i guess that never stops them. they did the same thing to my mom almost every day when she was in her mid-20’s living two hours away.

I imagine it is annoying but the takeaway is you have a lot of people who care about you so much, deviation from expected patterns sends out alarm bells. Some kids don't get that kind of love from their family. Some kids go missing and no one notices for days, weeks, months.

im sorry that happened to your guest but im glad that it hopefully worked out for him. i already told them that when i’m 18 they can expect total silence, but the same thing happened to my mother when she was in her 20’s and never stopped. they lost her jobs, friends, and the rest with their antics until she was crawling back to them permanently with me latched at her hip. i made a vow to myself not to do that as well.

They sound like wonderful people. Well when you’re 18 they can report you missing all they want. See how quickly the police lose patience for them.

this kind of “care” is ridiculous and will continue until either i am 30 or they pass away. they did the same to my mom when she was in her mid-20’s working two jobs living two hours away from them because they somehow had it in their heads that she ran off to mexico. lost her her jobs because they wouldn’t stop calling asking where she was every day of the year, told her friends she was insane and schizophrenic and planning on killing them, because she wouldn’t respond to their texts as her attempt to go no-contact.

i cant wait. i’ve been counting down the days for what seems like forever now.

You would have to think that the police would get pretty tired of this if it happened repeatedly, especially once you're 18, and put a stop to it fairly quickly.

You may have to look into restraining orders.

Peace was eventually made between all parties thankfully. Although she did try to creep in her antics with my then GF. She then told her that if our behavior wasn't satisfactory we would happily leave and come back when she is comfortable with it again. I didn't even get a chance to say anything, that was all her doing.

I love my wife, lol. (Mother backed down)

As for the cutoff approach, it is a severe ultimatum, and cannot be issued without full sincerity, else it will be called out as a bluff and tested. If you try this, it has to be made with a definitive conviction that you are willing to go right then at that moment with only the clothes on your back with only the plan to figure things out as you go.

It can be done but it's the hardest thing to do. For what it's worth though, thousands of LGBTQ+ individuals impose this reality on a regular basis, and I know one personally. I am so proud that they were able to build a quality life for themselves in less than 2 years and are in a stable and loving relationship.

I wish you well and a more optimistic outcome.

i talked about that with my mom earlier. i was wondering why she didn’t do the same but i guess in her defense they are the people who adopted her and gave her at least a somewhat better life than she could have had. maybe she knew something i don’t. i have no idea

im sorry for replying to every comment on this post, currently i have nothing else to do. im not sure if it’s within reddit etiquette or not haha. i do appreciate everyone offering me perspective, stories, etc. maybe i’m young, naive, and overreacting, but it really is frustrating.

Are they allowed to file a missing persons report if it’s been less than 24 hours since you were last seen?

i was called by the sheriff’s office and told i was filed as missing. i’m not sure if the report would’ve went through until 24 hours had passed or not. i told my grandparents that i thought they had to wait 24 hours to even try to file one but they shut me down with “no! I just called 911, they are coming.” (copy and pasted). within two to three hours they had police at my home, at my former high school talking to my friends who still attend, at my workplace, etc. so maybe not. i do live in a small town where a lot of commonplace laws are ignored or looked over and that may be one of them.

Report them to the police so that there's something on record to say the police should not take too much notice when they call.

i will be doing that when i’m 18, but since they have used my mom’s mental health as a crutch to continue doing it to her for her entire life i will probably also be taking some more preventative measures as well

> more preventative measures

Nothing involving baseball bats I hope..

If they attempt it again get a restraining order against them as soon as you turn 18. They got some psychological issues going on that they will never deal with but they will negatively impact your life.

Fair enough. Over reaction isn’t good, but no reaction definitely is worse. Hopefully you can get them to understand what acceptable responses are. Good luck!

even if i don’t currently agree with your opinion, i can see where you’re coming from and i definitely am luckier than some others in many regards. i do not take this for granted often but my limits are very often pushed. thank you for offering a different perspective to this situation.

I believe it's not true that it has to be 24 hours. If they have reason to believe that you should be somewhere and can't be found, you're missing and it can be reported.

However once it's explained they can look like fools to the police, and possibly be charged for the callout.

This is a very common misunderstanding. You can report someone missing after like 20 minutes if you have reason to believe they’re missing. It is up to the discretion of the police to decide whether or not they want to look into it.

24 hours to report missing isn’t an actual law, it’s just garbage used on tv to create drama.

When I was in high school I didn’t have a curfew or anything, just had to let them know where I was. The key was making sure my mom knew, my dad was much more laid back, so if I talked to him I had to make sure he told my mom or that she was there when I told him. In this case it might just be getting into the habit of letting them know you won’t be home after work.

As a teenager you see it as them trying to control you, as an adult you realize that you want to know where they’re going to in case something happens to them. The mistake made in this situation was a complete lack of communication between your mom and grandparents. However, if your grandparents are your legal guardians (as opposed to your mother) you should’ve let them know where you were as opposed to your mom.

100% your grandparents should’ve asked your mom before phoning friends and random people though.

Text them next time beforehand. Calling 911 without proper reason can get you fined and you texting you will not be home should be enough to make them calling BS

i googled it and you’re right, apparently 24 hours is a commonly believed misconception. i’m hoping the police won’t take them as serious next time because they have a very long history with the police here, but this is one of the few, far in-between times they have done something to me specifically, so i’m guessing it was taken more critically due to that. once i explained to the sheriff i was fine everything was called off and i just went back home so they wouldn’t try again.

How did you sleep thru so many calls? Do you turn your ringer off at night or just have it super quiet you can't hear it? That's what I'm curious about. I think if you answered the first time and told them your mom said was ok, then all this escalation by your grandparents could have been avoided.

>unfortunately, i live with my 80 year old

The line ended here and wrapped around to a new line to continue the sentence. Combined with the headline, I’ll admit my heart skipped a beat before my eyes caught up to the rest of what you wrote.

Yeah that sucks. When I first started dating my girlfriend freshmen year of college (at a college 4 hours away from her parents and we both lived in the dorms) she texted her parents that she was going golfing with a friend, she came back to the dorm, left her phone in her golf bag, came over to my room and she fell asleep on the couch for like an hour and a half, then went to her phone and saw like 10 missed calls and a million texts of her mom freaking out over her not responding to her. For not even 5 hours. On a weekend. At college. She called her and she was crying and saying how she was about to call the police in our town, over her 18 year old daughter not responding to texts, for not even 5 hours. On a weekend. At college.

Godspeed on getting the fuck away from your crazy grandparents. You'll feel so much better when you do.

i have my phone on both silent and do not disturb, and i’m a very heavy sleeper (have slept through the sounds of a drill in the same room, things like that). i think the repetitive vibrations of the calling is what eventually woke me up since i fell asleep with my phone pressed against my body. the main problem was that (reading my call logs here) my grandparents only tried to call twice at 4am before rapidly escalating the situation, while the sheriffs department repeatedly called in intervals every few minutes until i picked up and told them i was okay.

oh my god, trust me i definitely know better. i promise my boyfriend is not an 80 year old man

Oh wow that really sucks on their part then. I on the other hand am a very light sleeper. I go to sleep and get awake by someone getting up from the couch or flipping the light switch sound lol

My phone is on silent at night because I don't want to be disturbed by the non-stop spam calls everyone gets nowadays. Or the fact that she was just at work beforehand and had it on silent. This is not unusual, and certainly not the problem in this story. The fact that they didn't even ask her mom if she knew where she was means this was entirely about controlling her, if they actually cared they would've woken her mom to check but they just wanted to bully OP for staying at her boyfriends (which they probably assumed and didn't like).

Your suggestion of appeasing people who are being unreasonable and arguably abusive is not a suggestion that will fix things in the long term.

i don’t know if reddit has a character limit but if it did, i probably couldn’t even finish typing out a list of the things i’ve slept through. i also have “small ear canals” or something so i get routine ear flushings at the doctors to help me be able to hear better. i have a unique vibration sound for calls and alarms on my phone since i try to fall asleep with my phone near me so that i can feel those vibrations instead of relying on my admittedly crappy hearing

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Just a comment to say, I don't know you, but I'm proud of you. Youre being more thoughtful than I am sometimes, and it gives me hope for the future. If I ever have kids, I hope I can nurture this same sort of kind and intelligent thoughtfulness in them as you're showing in your comments. Youre doing just fine!

Either your family needs to trust you more, or the town you live in is a friggin war zone

Your grandparents really need to understand that by reporting you missing all the time that if something bad really does happen to you, the police might not take it seriously. If you get lost hiking, drive off the road, or worse, the police might look at your situation and consider you a runaway.

Hopefully this is a one time thing

i’ll admit that i don’t live in the best, safest town in the world, but it’s an “everyone knows everyone” type of place and there are areas everyone knows not to go to. as you can probably tell the police are pretty responsive too haha. i don’t necessarily think that trust is an issue, especially with my mom, it’s definitely more a control thing for my grandparents and like some other comments have said i may need to consider some underlying issues they have that may never even be addressed.

The moment you turn 18 get a restraining order. If they continue, sue them for all they got.

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Literally the same thing happened to me when I was 18, there were missing posters of my face all over social media, I feel you. I also was embarrassed because I was like, great; now the whole town knows my family infantilizes me.

Now I look back at it and it’s kinda funny. People will forget, but this reflects more poorly on your grandparents than you, really

if anything youre underreacting. i dont know if theres a cultural element im missing, but what they did was wildly inappropriate.

unfortunately, most of what they’ve got right now is my rent money, my child support, and their retirement fund. but hey, it’s something at least. i would definitely feel guilty for suing them if something did happen that would breach the terms of a restraining order but i do know it would be necessary.

My mom did something similar to my brother when we were in our early twenties. My brother went full no-contact for a little over a year.

25 years later, I still have to reset some boundaries from time to time.

To this day I am very careful what information I give her about my work, life, health, etc. She is super nosy and just can't stand not being all up in everyone's business trying to run their lives "for their own good".

cultural elements don’t really apply here i believe. just a white, lower class family in the south. i definitely don’t know anyone else with a family similar to mine, especially someone who would go through the same things i do, but i just reassure myself it will be over soon enough and that i’ll save up enough money to be able to live my own life. i was worried i was just coming off as a moody teenager with this post but there’s a lot of people who went through the same stuff as me and it’s really reassuring.

That’s a super common myth that even police departments will tell you, because so many “missing persons” end up being found (This incident is the perfect example of this) and ends up being wasted resources.

There is no minimum to report someone missing.

The one thing I haven't seen said here is YOU ARE A MINOR. Regardless of graduating HS or not, you are still a minor. Even with that, I don't agree with their actions in this case at all.

That out of the way. What assholes. Especially to say they'll do the same once you're 18. I'm sorry you're being treated like that. You might have to get a restraining order or something else if they can't have sense talked into them.

You can also report your grandparents missing. I don't recommend this, it's a huge waste of resources, but perhaps a little payback is in order so they learn the embarrassment.

That's not a thing except on shitty made-for-TV crime dramas. You can - and should - report a missing person as soon as you notice they're missing.

As a general rule, don't take legal advice from Law and Order.

🧵✂️

I guarantee if they continue to do this past your age of 18, the response will not be the same. Actually, establishing any sort of bogus pattern may be a hinderance to you if you actually -do- go missing. The cops will one-hundred percent be like, 'She's an adult. She can do what she wants. We do not care.'

That's not a good idea, let's not make the only adults on her side angry at her too

Edit: only adults on her side as in the authorities. Fuck the grandparents but doing the same thing as them doesn't help anyone.

Be careful, my girlfriend's grandparents do this to her still and she's 27. Her dad was in a similar situation as your mom but he passed shortly after I met her and then they went full on crazy on her when he was out of the picture. Threatening to call her job and force her managers to get her off work when she refused to go to family gatherings in other states during work days (which isn't so much of a real threat so much as a threat of embarrassment), invoking power of attorney that she unknowingly signed when she was like 12, opening disability in her name, etc.

Fuck these people, I have no patience for these kinds of people after battling this crap for 4 years as an already overwhelmed young adult.

Yes, there’s no time limit. Time is the MOST important factor if someone is missing and the belief that you have to wait X days is very dangerous.

Theres a lot of messed up stuff with this situation (most notably the threat that it’ll continue past turning 18), but someone with parental authority over a minor who earnestly believes the minor to be missing should call the police, they should not be waiting.

(Whether the grandparents earnestly believed that in this situation is another question entirely)

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Just make sure not to really go missing after the police get fed up with your grandparents!

nobody has mentioned it as i’ve seen besides you but yeah, being under 18 plays a lot into the serious tone the police took with this. unfortunately i’m a minor but i am, in most regards, an independent person, as far as even paying my grandparents for rent, electricity, and other bills while i live with them, buying all of my own things, paying fully for my car, etc. i haven’t mentioned it in any other comments here but i am also thinking about talking to my mom about emancipation. not sure if it would stop their harassment but it would at least make me an independent person legally.

She should start reporting them missing

Ahhh the one day I went over my friends house and my parents didnt pickup.

I did leave a voicemail, but I guess it was full or something.

Mom reported me missing around 8pm…my friends dad got the call I was missing and he said I was at his house.

My friends dad was the chief of police

Based on your post, I agree with you.

It is probably why the cops took it so seriously.

You do seem quite independent, so hopefully you can get some sense talked into your grandparents.

How long till you turn 18? I have no idea how long the emancipation process can take, so I don't know if it'd be worth the effort to try if you'll just turn 18 beforehand.

My parents would send us out to play after dinner, with a "be home by 7" type of warning, for every minute we were late, 2 minutes were deducted from our play time for the rest of the summer, if you were late 30 minutes, deduct one hour from play time the rest of the summer) We were not allowed to have a watch. (parents were German, and drunk, you will have no fun! Achtung!)

i did not go through the same things, but at 17 i would tell my parents "im going to mikes(or sarahs, or jarrets, or cassies, etc) ill be back in a day or two" and theyd just tell me to be safe and have fun. i think my experience is much closer to typical than what you described, and youre definitely not just being a moody teenager. try to go to college or trade school in a different city so your grandparents dont have the ability to exert so much control over you. try to save every penny you can now, so moving out will be easier later. if you are making $300/wk it should be theoretically possible to have a little spending cash, and have close to $10k by the time you graduate high school, which is more than enough to cover moving costs and first/last months rent, etc. best of luck

You’ll miss that when it’s gone and will understand when you become a parent.

It is a pain in the ass though. My sister STILL goes through it and she’s much older than you haha. Parents will be parents (no matter grand or great-grand, etc)

Until you turn eighteen, it sounds like they have the authority over you, not your mother. It sucks, no doubt about it. If you spend the night at your BF’s house again, be upfront with them about it. If they plan on weaponizing the Sheriff’s office, let that office know it. Call them before you spend the night and tell them what's up. That you are fine, and they'll call to try to force you home. It depends on the department if they will fetch you or not. If it's a high crime area, they'll probably just roll their eyes unless they think you're in danger.

If the grandparents are going to call around all your friends, let key people know ahead of time. All it takes is a few friends who know what's up to comment on social media if a post goes out that “OP is fine, her family is Extra. Ignore them.”

Nah, this isn't it. OP appears to have care and love from her mother. The grandparents are overbearing, manipulative and abusing the system for control over the family.

Sure, maybe they care for her in their own twisted way, but OP absolutely does not need to erase how toxic they are just because other kids have been neglected or abandoned.

OP: look at it from the shoes of concerned family members. If you were in real danger?

I did read the post, I just don't see how doing the same thing her grandparents did solves any problems.

Edit: in my above comment I was referring to the authorities as the adults on her side, not her grandparents. Maybe that's where you got confused.

i’ve done a lot of past research on emancipation, i have a good bit until i am 18 so i feel as though emancipation would be faster and it would also take away the $700/month or more child support they are receiving from wherever my father is. usually emancipation here takes just a few months since the courthouse isn’t very utilized. i just have to go to a judge, get myself a free attorney, and prove myself to be financially stable and independent of my family, with a legal way of earning money and the means to provide for all of my own necessities, a show of maturity/capability, and a $300 or so filing fee for the clerk.

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they probably shouldn’t report me missing and force me home every time i do something they don’t like. i’m afraid it’ll be a boy-who-cried-wolf type of situation if im ever in legitimate danger and the police won’t care.

> that she unknowingly signed when she was 12

Minors can’t execute a power of attorney so this shouldn’t have been enforceable. Only their parent(s)/guardian(s) can execute it, and they generally expire after six months to a year. This sounds like they were trying to use a meaningless document to bluff.

I had to do this at 19. I was home from college for the summer, and my boyfriend was calling a lot. He was actually my fiance, but I hadn't told them that yet, because as soon as we got serious, they didn't like him.

So I was taking a phone call and trying to meet up (not allowed without parental permission) and my dad waits and decides to take my phone after the call, because I'm using it too much.

The important thing to note here is that the phone was mine. The phone plan was mine, and I was an adult.

Of course I threw a fit. It was the kind of fit that only a belligerent 19 year old who is raised by narcissistic parents can throw. There were some words said that I mildly regret, and I might have also lost control of my temper.

It ended with me telling my dad to give me back my phone, and him saying that I couldn't live there if I couldn't follow the rules.

So I called the bluff. Then I called my fiance. He came and picked me up. A week later I picked up my stuff. My parents tried to make this difficult by throwing in all my totes of childhood things.

I was VLC for another seven or eight years until they were invited to our wedding.

Were you supposed to just know the time automatically?

That is straight up abuse. Post this in r/insaneparents

I mean, it's stupid they didn't ask your mom, but in missing person cases it's actually important to contact the police ASAP. 8 hours is later than you'd want in a real situation.

Go down to the police station, tell them you're not missing, your grandparents just have a stick up their butt, then if your grandparents call the police can tell them to piss off.

On the bright side at least they care what happens to you.

You didn’t fuck up at all. And now you have learned to set very clear boundaries with these people. They can call the cops all they want. That doesn’t mean you should stop living your life. They are the fools.

She doesn’t want to rock the boat. Afraid of conflict.

There’s a book called “set boundaries, find peace” you might find helpful. Very how-to/example-oriented.

There’s no reason to be embarrassed for another person’s action. I know it might seem like The Most Important Thing In The World but other people are going to forget about this in maybe a week, and if anyone asks you can tell them the truth and say that they decided you were missing because you were gone for 2 hours. I’m sorry you have to deal with this (it sounds exhausting) but don’t stress yourself out further by concerning yourself with other people’s opinions when they’re honestly, and in the best way, not really thinking about you.

I presume you were.... Very Little Contact and not a media player for 7-8 years?

No, because she's now making false police reports. Not a good idea.

Nobody wants to be around your grandparents either if they air everyone's laundry out like this. God they have no shame

If you don’t mind me asking, when did your mom’s drug abuse issues start? Was it around your age?

I wonder if it would be possible to go talk to a cop about the situation and see if the cop would be willing to sit down with the grandparents and explain this to them. There certainly are reasonable cops out there.

But she did tell her parent. Grandparents didn't bother to ask her mom

Yes, they are. Admittedly for when we did it, it was for a young child, but there's no real limit if you reasonably believe someone is missing, as far as I know.

You're absolutely right. Most of it is bluffs and thankfully I've come to realize that as well, but the time and energy spent verifying and fighting them is exhausting. It's amazing how much time and money they've sunk into messing with her life but as retirees who owned their own restaurant they sure have a lot of both.

I had a similar thing when growing up. Mostly it was "When the streetlights come on, it's time to come home." Typically that would be around 7-8.

If it was a specific time, we (my brothers and I) would periodically ask for the time from one of our neighbors or when one of our friends went inside.

This was a time before everyone had cellphones.

I would guess they had to do similar things.

it was around my age, i believe. it’s been on and off her whole life but she’s tried for me as best as she can. we argue sometimes but it’s never been serious and i trust her just as much as she trusts me. she was a young mother from a bad past and got into some unsavory things. she’s trying her best even now and i’m really proud of her but my grandparents feel the need to kinda shove her nose in shit every day, if you get what i mean.

I would say that usually these people do escalate until they get a response from you. The trick is to grit and bear all of that until they stop. They have to truly believe that they will not get a response from you no matter what they do.

One option might be changing your name?

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i’ve actually been planning on changing my name for a long time because i don’t like the past being tied to it. it’ll definitely be freeing to do. gritting and bearing has been my tactic for a long time but as i get older i get more explosive towards them and when i walked in the house this morning, not a word has been spoken since.

My suggestion is when you are 18, MOVE far, far away....

I observe two types of 80-year old people.

Ones who have seen it all and are very chill.

Ones who no longer pretend to give a fuck what anyone else thinks.

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You need to just buckle down and be independent as soon as you responsibly find the opportunity. You’re right, that no one is going to want to be around someone who gets reported as missing by overreacting guardians.

This is literally something that causes employers and recruiters to not call people back for job opportunities. As unfair as it is, they have an entire pool of candidates to choose from. Why would they willingly pick someone that, from their perspective, doesn’t seem like they have their life well enough put together that their parents/guardians have to make a fuss about it.

I’m not going to touch on the social aspects of it as, given your edit, you seem like you got a solid enough head on your shoulders. I will, however, emphasize the social/professional aspects of this.

You can feel however you want about whether or not your parents are or aren’t controlling, or whether or not they’re overstepping their bounds. However, as you just experienced, other people are going to have their say too. This is only the first time, and your grandparents have made it clear that they are going to do it again.

This is abusive behavior, and it will cause you to lose friendships, relationships, and professional opportunities, as your grandparents attempt to control your life through hyper vigilance and, potentially, outright lying to other people.

Ultimately, that’s what this boils down to. You grandparents lied to authorities in an attempt to control your life. Your mom, and you, aren’t people with lives and autonomy. You are possessions to be kept, protected, and displayed.

What happens when you turn 18? What happens when your college classes and responsibilities force you to stay out past what your grandparents consider acceptable? What happens when you’re applying for your first job, and you’re still living with them?

Heaven forbid, what happens after you move out, and your grandparents still have access to your information as a form of maintaining contact, but they instead use that to intrude upon your life wherever you go?

Will they call your job when you’re 25 and report you missing? Will they report your future fiancé for abducting you if you happen to go on a vacation to a place without cell phone service?

These might sound like exaggerations, but you just experienced 12 calls from the sheriff’s office, a call from your former high school, multiple calls from friends and family, and a bombardment of unknown numbers for not being home for 8 hours, and in spite of the fact that your grandparents could have literally just woken up your mom first to check.

I’m not saying “freak out”. I just want to emphasize that you’re making plans to go to college, and that is literally only going to make this problem worse, and it will likely continue getting worse until you make yourself independent, and likely cut off your grandparents, because they literally said they are going to make this an ever increasing problem for you once you turn 18, and beyond.

When people tell you who they are, listen.

Your grandparents plainly stated they are going to leverage at least this level of control over your life no matter how old you are.

This situation will very likely not get any better for you, and it’s going to be up to you to build a life for yourself while fighting against your grandparents’ efforts to control and possess you.

my phone is silent 24/7 because im not supposed to have it on at work and then its do not disturb from 8 pm to 8 am because i slways get random discord notifications at like 3 am

And now it all makes sense. Great question!

Yeah, one of the things you could really say to them that they’d actually care about (because clearly they don’t care about your feelings) is, “you really embarrassed yourselves today.” And don’t even bother to elaborate.

"This kid is missing" "uh... No s/he's not"

Yea it was funny we laugh about to this day and I tell my mom to check her voicemails before calling the police 🤣🤣

It’s a tough one.

You rather people care and support for you, but there is going waaay overboard. I wouldn’t be “mad” at the grandparents, they have no idea how this modern world works.

You’re so blessed to have your grandparents. You don’t even know. This isn’t a TIFU. This is what love from a grandparent who watched their own daughter go to rehab. Thank God for the people in your life. I wouldn’t be embarrassed. I would be beyond greatful that all these people in the town care about me.

As a parent I can understand why they wanted to report you missing, but a lot of people dropped the ball here... Sorry for your situation. Good for you getting that job and being on a good path!!

Did your mom not tell your grandparent?

This will clearly be an unpopular opinion, but I’m with your grandparents, mostly. They are your guardians right now. Your mom is unfortunately unreliable and maybe not trustworthy. You didn’t tell anyone they could trust that you were ok. They are deeply scared that you will face the same issues as your mom.

Your grandparents could have asked your mom. But she’s effectively sick right now, and not reliable. Your grandparents could try to talk more and control less. It sounds like you could also try to communicate better. Frankly, a family therapist sounds like they could be helpful in improving your family’s communication.

Experiencing some social embarrassment because your grandparents love you is far from the worst thing in the world. And they clearly love you.

Exactly. My parents went through a similar scenario with my sister, except that she has 4 kids and they were much younger. They have been dealing with the fallout from her addiction issues for years.

In the end they gave up about 12 years of life, unbelievable amounts of money and time. And still, any day she could relapse and start it all over again.

i am not blessed to have people who outright say they are going to control my life as long as they are able to. my grandparents abuse my mom’s issues and exploit her. i love my mom. i am embarrassed because rather than maybe asking my mom where i am, they bombard me at 5-7am in the morning with calls from the police, family who do not live here, friends, my former high school, my workplace, unknown numbers, and social media. this is by no means love. if i turn 30 and they’re still doing this, it’s STILL not love. they are manipulative and my mom and i are not actual people with free will to them. we are things to smother, keep home, and break down until either we die or they die. i’m not sure what would happen first especially if they never stop.

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You didn’t go spent the night at your friend’s house without letting your parents know.

I'd have a talk with them and make it unmistakably clear that, unless they want to grow old(er) without ever speaking to their grandchild again, they're not to pull this shit again. Ever. As in there won't be a second warning. There won't be an 'oh in that case...', either. Do this again and I'm cutting you out of my life.

As for the reasoning: Love and concern is one thing. This isn't about love and concern. Your mother knew where you were. Your mother - which I'm assuming to be a normal, i.e not insane person - okayed your stay at your bf's. You're her responsibility, so everything's fine. There is zero reason for your grandparents to get involved - let alone to just involve themselves. There is zero reason to assume that you were in any sort of danger. As such, them still doing this to you has very little to do with love and concern and quite a lot with the old teaching-you-a-lesson kind of approach to raising a child.

I'm not saying to actually cut off contact, ofc, but a threat like that usually gets through. Having grown up with a father who is, in some ways, not unlike your grandparents, I've yet to find a better way to handle these situations. Some people are simply unable to graps the concept of personal boundaries, unless the price of overstepping them is so great that they'd rather not try.

If your grandparents continue to do this after you turn 18 they will be fined for wasting police resources.

27 is not 17. Two 80-year-old people are dealing with a drug addict daughter and are responsible for a 17-year-old who thinks it ok to disappear overnight and get pissy when two 80-year-old grandparents are worried about her. Jesus. Y’all have zero compassion for what these grandparents are dealing with.

i don’t understand how i am inconsiderate or egotistical for having explicit permission from someone with legal custody over me to spend the night at my boyfriends after i get off work, only to wake up to the police and other factors because my grandparents did not like that and would rather me not only not have a job, but not leave my house at all so that they can “support” me my whole life in the same way they do my mother. im not sure how you could give me tips for growing up any more than i have tried to grow up.

Lol you do you champ!

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Huh, the weird thing is media and hollywood always made me believe that you can't file a person as missing until 24 hours has passed.

my mom was actually not okay with me spending the night with him at first, but after a few months more and a few scattered discussions, she agreed to trust me on this so long as i agreed to be responsible. she is not damaged goods and her opinions aren’t to be overlooked because she is trying. she’s doing amazing and she hasn’t touched anything in 6-8 months now. she raised me, my grandparents did not, which is why i’m not a narcissist. i wish i could provide more information on the numerous other things my grandparents have done to me and to the rest of my family (one incident even involving my younger brother moving in with his father halfway across the country), but i fear that kind of thing would be too specific. they also specifically stated that when i turn 18 and even older they are still going to call the police on me if i do something they do not approve of, whether it be moving out of their home or other actions.

One day, when you’re a mom or grandmother, you’ll empathize their actions. Better safe than sorry.

i think the worst part for me is that they called my brother, who lives nowhere near us but still has my location on iphone. and he told them where i was and that i was fine, because we had a conversation about all of this and we tend to talk every night. yet they still chose to do what they did. they are not scared of me ending up like my mom, they threaten me with it, but i really do love my mom and i’m proud of how far she’s come especially considering the things they’ve done to her for much longer than they have me.

they used to call the police on my mom when she was in her mid-20’s, lie about her being “off her meds”, homicidal, etc, just to be able to know where she was and keep tabs on her. im really worried that’ll happen to me.

When you turn 18, file a restraining order.

Your grandparents are liable for your well being. Your mother's permission doesn't mean anything and you know it. Technically your boyfriend committed a crime and contributed to the delinquency of a minor. You've gotten off fairly unscathed, be more mature next time.

OP said in the post that she did tell her parent and got explicit prior approval.

Thank you, boss

You too, chief

Have a wonderful day, big guy

Sounds like you need to have a serious talk about boundaries and rules with your grandparents. Boundaries going both ways. If they want you to follow rules which are too strict, they can lose you because you'll just move out when you're 18, so being mindful of your need for independence is important.

my mother has legal custody over me. my grandparents are my guardians. what my mom says goes over what they say legally, but they don’t think so and choose to ignore that. they only called the police because they weren’t happy with it. my boyfriend is also 17, it was not a crime.

It is a crime even if your boyfriend is a minor. Even if he isn't liable, then his parents are. If your grandparents are your guardians, don't be surprised if there's an issue with you missing overnight. You aren't emancipated yet. Deal with it. Everyone does.

my mother is my main legal guardian, they are only side ones since i live with them as well as her. there should have been no issue if i got permission from my own mother and had family besides her (such as my brother) who also knew where i was/have my location and told them so when they called. my grandparents chose to ignore it all and blow everything out of proportion anyway.

After my mother died, I lived alone for a few months in the house where I grew up, with my grandmother in the house next door. On this one particular summer night, right after I turned 17, I told my grandmother that I was going to go into work for a little bit to fix a fence in the swimming pool (I was a lifeguard, and the fence was a safety hazard). Work was literally one block away; I took my car just so I wouldn't have to lug my tools.

I came home one hour later, and there was a police car in front of the house. She had called the police to report me missing when I had been gone for all of about 50 minutes, at a location a block away.

What if they have a daughter with an addiction problem because they were shit parents? We don't know anything about their life or OPs life. We can only say from OP's posts is that she feels her grandparents are overbearing towards both their daughter and granddaughter.

Put them in dementia care and never visit them again.

Well now you know if you go missing your guardians are going to have a problem with it. As if you didn't already know.

Just wait till you see what dementia will do.

Which is probably going to force a cycle. They don’t understand how to properly handle things.

Thanks for a little more context. Not sure what your grandparents have done and without specifics, I’m going to say you are still a minor. They are taking care of you and your substance abusing mother. She hasn’t touched anything for 6-8 months? That’s good and I hope she continues her sobriety. But your grandparents have dealt with her drug abuse for a long time and that isn’t easy. I hope all of you treat each other a little better.

Did you have this conversation about your boyfriend with your grandparents? The folks who are legally responsible for you? Courts don’t take away custody on a whim. Your mom wasn’t doing well there for a while. Probably a long while. Not saying your grandparents are saints but nothing you’ve written indicates them looking for you when you don’t come home overnight is abusive.

Edit: a whole new paragraph

unfortunately they say they’re doing to keep doing it after i turn 18, after i already threatened no-contact if they continue after that point. they would do the same thing to my mom when she was in her mid 20’s and working two jobs in a city two hours away. it got her fired because they kept calling her workplaces every day. at one point they got it into their heads that she “ran off to mexico”, and worse things ensued after that.

i wish we could treat each other better. but thank you.

My mum did this sort of thing until my early 30s, and tbh the reason she stopped doing it is because she passed away. I wish I could say I put down boundaries but it never worked.

An example that sticks out is - I get home from work exhausted. Have a nap on the sofa that lasts longer than planned cause I was so tired. Get woken up by my annoyed lodger because my mum is ringing him asking where I am. They swapped numbers for EMERGENCIES ONLY (eg if anything went wrong with the house and I, his landlady, was unreachable). He was like, I'm not your secretary lol.

She claimed it was an emergency. What, because a 30 yo woman didn't answer her phone for 4 hours on a weeknight?

Her grandparents have custody of her. Not her mom. Her mom is a recovering addict. Courts don’t strip away custody on a whim.

Your mother's adopted parents continue to exercise control over her adult life and have displayed that they intend to do the same to you?

Look, OP, I don't say this kind of thing often, but when you turn 18, I think you need to get the fuck out of there.

my mom did not have custody of me ever taken away through this. by all regards she is the one legally responsible for me. my grandparents are registered guardians vs my mom being my natural guardian. whatever my mom said should have been enough for them, but it never is. i never claimed they were abusive, that’s mostly been other people in this comment section, but this post was mostly a vent for my frustrations and it got a little larger than i intended it to be.

That is certainly a possibility but that’s not indicated. All we know is that she didn’t come home after work on a dark and rainy night. The grandparents, even if the shittiest grandparents ever, called around looking for her. When they didn’t find her, they called the police. I am still not understanding the problem here. OP even admits that they don’t do this to her often. They do monitor their drug-addicted daughter a lot more. Because she is an addict who is living with them. Should they just not care what their daughter and grand daughter are doing or where they are?

How does that work? Your grandparents are your legal guardians but your mother has custody? I’m confused.

But even if your mom has legal custody, you are living with your grandparents. They should be told that you are going to be out overnight. Even if they disagree with the decision, tell them so they aren’t calling around town looking for you.

No, her mother has legal custody of OP. For God's sake read the post before commenting incorrect information. TIFU by spending the night at my boyfriend’s

>EDIT #2: one more time to say that although my grandparents are filed as legal guardians as my mom is still working through her rehab, MY MOTHER HAS LEGAL CUSTODY OVER ME. what my mom said should have been enough. she is not damaged goods because she is battling herself, im so proud of her for being clean for so long now and i love her. my grandparents have done things like this to everyone in my family and that is why none of my siblings are here anymore.

Sounds like mom went to rehab and she stayed with her parents as OP's de facto legal guardian (not court ordered), if mom is 6-8 mo sober and a court hasn't given grandparents legal guardianship, they don't have any rights to report OP missing without contacting OP'S LEGAL GUARDIAN, her mom.

In the first set of edits, OP says her grandparents are her legal guardians. Later she says her mother has legal custody. I’m not sure what to believe. For God’s sake, read the original post before commenting incorrect information.

Key difference. OP sees it coming. And they will be dead soon.

sorry, i had to find the correct terms, i wasn’t super involved in the proceedings of all this but i think i can clear it up now. my grandparents had a temporary custody type deal that timed out maybe after 6 months of my mom’s rehab and is no longer in place, making my mom my legal guardian again since she’s my natural parent. kind of like the “do you have a parent or guardian i can talk to?” deal they always asked in school. however they still exert that kind of control over me. i’m sorry, the way i said it was definitely confusing.

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Not respecting boundaries is not some god given right by parents or grandparents, it is shitty and immature.

Uh. This is 100% on you, and the primary problem here is that you didn't communicate very well at all. You live with your grandparents who are, at least until you turn 18, still primarily responsible for things like making sure you aren't dead or missing because they're your legal guardians. Your mom's permission doesn't mean shit in this instance, except inasmuch as your legal guardians might defer to her, which it sounds like they do when they're actually aware.

You needed to tell them you wouldn't be coming home that night or of course they might think you're missing.

It doesn't sound like this was some weird attempt to harass you or punish you, based on how many friends and people you know they involved. It sounds like they, with pretty good reason, genuinely thought you were missing.

They might be inept and frustratingly bad at parenting a 17 year old, but it also sounds like you have some people who genuinely give a shit whether you live or die looking out for you. That isn't always a given!

Your mom has been in and out of rehab. Obviously if she goes out for extended periods of time they're probably pretty fucking worried she might start using again. Literally six months ago she was out of rehab!

This is a situation where, if you're lucky, you will have a very different perspective on this in like 10 years.

this is actually a lot better than how i put it, it’s almost 100% accurate. however i think my mom was required to sign for their temporary guardianship at that point

Then OP needs to make that clear. OP has written that grandparents are her legal guardians. She has also written that mom has legal custody. It also sounds like mom is still in rehab, so at this point, I think OP is on her own. But legal guardian or not, I’m not mad at grandparents looking for looking for their grandchild who does not come home after work on a dark and rainy night.

Wait I'm sorry, did you say they're charging you rent? Your mother, sure, they can make her pay rent, but I'm pretty sure you can't charge a minor rent

edit: turns out it depends on the state, if you have the means to contribute they can charge rent... Though not all states.

my grandparents are not my legal guardians, they try to exert guardianship over me because they used to be my temporary guardians. i had some terms confused previously but i did research before replying to anyone else about it. my mom is my legal guardian and i updated that in my post since i was even confusing myself with it. i got permission from the person with guardianship over me and it should have been her concern, not theirs.

Make sure you set boundaries now with them. Because when you turn 18 it could get worse.

> reporting you missing all the time

did i miss something in OP's post? this was the first and only time as far as i can discern

It's manipulative as fuck and disrespectful, not "love".

it’s an unofficial agreement but they were getting mad at me for taking so much space with my stuff as well as part of their electricity bill. i like to think of it as me paying for my mother in a way if that makes sense. it gives me some semblance of comfort

Thanks for this. That clears up a lot. I still say that you could have told your grandparents you wouldn’t be home that night. A call or a text would be great for two 80-year-old people. Would it have prevented the embarrassment? I think it would have.